Sulking because I didn’t reciprocate oral sex

[NoFun21]

Please don’t flame me as this is a complex situation but...

I stupidly have been to bed a couple of times with my stbxh who I have petitioned but who has not responded to petition. I see him weekly when he visits kids which for reasons I don’t go into now is at my home. He can be very clear in his body language, comments , eye contact that he is attracted to me. I find this v difficult as I have never found it easy to say no and not be flattered because of low self esteem. Last occasion I ended up asking him to leave as I was too angry with him to have sex after he refused to admit to being an asshole at time’s during our marriage . He never accepts blame. This time we did end up in bed and after giving me oral sex he moved himself so I would be in a position to reciprocate. WhenI said I didn’t want to just because I felt like I had to he began getting dressed again telling me he felt rejected and like I was saying I didn’t trust him, that he might have a disease and was disgusting. He said that he thought I’d enjoyed it in the past and was that a lie? ( well yes I never really enjoyed it I was just in love with him and now I am distrustful of him- he didn’t cheat but was emotionally cruel to me). Anyway I just felt really confused after this experience- manipulated but also wondering if I was had been being intentionally cruel I’m withholding oral sex?

He arrives I give the kids lunch, I go out, my son talks about wanting me to come- sometimes refuses to go on outings without me, often doesn’t go to the toilet without me - so it’s hard to let go. I get back give kids dinner. If I’m easy going STBX might start giving me looks and then might hang around wanting to be intimate. I really don’t know how to handle it. I’m so upset about it all.

That's why I was suggesting you all go out, on a family outing.
Then he doesn't come into your house afterwards.
Could that work?

You really need help in how to deal with him, though. Have you tried Woman's Aid for advice?

What would happen if you tell him straight out "We're getting divorced. I'm not having sex with you any more."?

We have done days out before but it then makes it extremely hard as the children then assume I am always coming out and it’s very hard for me to get any time away.. if I told him that it was over in that way he’d become very cold with little eye contact of any as he did in the marriage when he was upset with me and I I find it really detrimental to me emotionally and it’s not great when we are all together in my home with the children. . Because I’m carrying huge guilt for everything and I’m so scare of the outcomes for my children it’s hard for me to cut the rope
WTH him.

If he's there for contact, why are you cooking lunch and tea for the dc?

Surely you should go out, and come back when it's the end of contact. Then you're not having to interact and he can be as cold as he likes because he's on the way out the door.

And the guilt is not yours.

Have you spoken to Women's Aid, had any counselling, are you seeing your GP?

I cook because he literally can do nothing but heat a pizza and also because I find it hard having him doing things in my home.

I’d feel stupid ringing women’s aid like there are not people with worse situations.

You are being abused. You need advice.
That's what Women's Aid is for.

Ok. It’s hard to see it like that although I do feel coerced. Thank you.

There's nothing wrong with pizza once a week. I would hate having my ex in my home cooking or whatnot - but you have to make some changes somewhere.

You can't go on being pressured into sex you don't want / having sex with him because you're feeling so low it's the only comfort you can find.

And yes your situation is bad enough to seek help from Women's Aid.

And how's he ever going to learn to do things for the kids (or himself) if you're taking responsibility even after you've split up?

Yes all noted thank you Category12