Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sulking because I didn’t reciprocate oral sex

63 replies

NoFun21 · 28/10/2019 22:47

Please don’t flame me as this is a complex situation but...

I stupidly have been to bed a couple of times with my stbxh who I have petitioned but who has not responded to petition. I see him weekly when he visits kids which for reasons I don’t go into now is at my home. He can be very clear in his body language, comments , eye contact that he is attracted to me. I find this v difficult as I have never found it easy to say no and not be flattered because of low self esteem. Last occasion I ended up asking him to leave as I was too angry with him to have sex after he refused to admit to being an asshole at time’s during our marriage . He never accepts blame. This time we did end up in bed and after giving me oral sex he moved himself so I would be in a position to reciprocate. WhenI said I didn’t want to just because I felt like I had to he began getting dressed again telling me he felt rejected and like I was saying I didn’t trust him, that he might have a disease and was disgusting. He said that he thought I’d enjoyed it in the past and was that a lie? ( well yes I never really enjoyed it I was just in love with him and now I am distrustful of him- he didn’t cheat but was emotionally cruel to me). Anyway I just felt really confused after this experience- manipulated but also wondering if I was had been being intentionally cruel I’m withholding oral sex?

OP posts:
BiMum5 · 29/10/2019 08:22

Sweetheart, if he's only a good father when he's getting sex, then he's just not a good father. A decent man wouldn't expect to have sex with his ex and use his treatment of the kids to get his way.
Your self esteem is so low Sad.
FWIW, I met someone new at 49 and I'm no oil painting! And I know someone with a child who has complex needs and she met someone lovely who is wonderful with her dc.
Take steps to make life better for you and your dc. You need to get this man out of your life.

Wolfiefan · 29/10/2019 08:32

Is there a contact centre you could all go to instead of having him in your house?
Use any time you have to start to deal with your poor mental health and find support. Don’t worry about meeting anyone else. Not yet. Focus on you. Flowers

category12 · 29/10/2019 08:38

Does the special school have parent groups running or any support you could feed into there?

Original poster
NoFun21 · 29/10/2019 08:42

category12 I have tried so many things but nothing can help
Me navigate my ex and my sons needs. Found a local charity offering discounted help with separation counselling but the lady told me she needed to
Work via Skype after first session which wouldn’t have worked. Have tried sitting and befriending service but was costly and they couldn’t manage my kids alone so was t worth it. Tried a therapist but was left in waiting room for so long I left as I had child to collect. Am trying another therapist. Am in touch with charities but not much they can actually do to help
Me with my separation and my son which is my main issue.

OP posts:
Original poster
NoFun21 · 29/10/2019 08:43

No no parent groups. I’m not even sure how they’d help. I know a few other parents all as busy as me . They have no free time either. I’m doesn’t help me with my personal situation which I’m embarrassed to talk about In RL anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
NoFun21 · 29/10/2019 08:47

Also he is a good father when he’s not getting sex- he’s always lovely to them just less lovely to me and less communicative and i need him to be communicative because of my son.

OP posts:
category12 · 29/10/2019 08:49

Well I was thinking it would help with the loneliness if there were group activities you could take the dc to. Just to have people to share experiences with and ideas, in similar situations.

Don't be embarrassed. You're looking for comfort in hard times, but unfortunately your ex actually wears away at you at the same time.

Original poster
NoFun21 · 29/10/2019 08:52

Fairlylee I’m terrified of respite because he’s so young. Maybe later when he’s older. I also don’t really need less time with him as now he’s at school it’s only weekends and holidays really. My problem is the day dad comes at the weekend and how to manage that! I really appreciate everyone giving me hopeful thoughts about the future- thank you.

OP posts:
category12 · 29/10/2019 08:55

he’s always lovely to them just less lovely to me and less communicative and i need him to be communicative because of my son

I think the last part of the sentence is a bit self-deluding. You need him to be communicative and nice to you, because christ you need it, and who wouldn't? But it's a trap - it's keeping you down and needing him.

Original poster
NoFun21 · 29/10/2019 08:57

Thank you Fairylea.

OP posts:
Original poster
NoFun21 · 29/10/2019 09:04

I feel like I’m stuck in a web or a maze and I can’t see any way out. Life feels relentlessly hard and sometimes I can’t bear it. I can’t risk it getting worse. I am so angry with him and disappointed in him but he will
Never accept any blame or fault - it’s all my fault complete with some finger wagging to boot. I also unhelpfully feel desperately sorry for him as he has zero friends and no family in this country, rents a shitty flat, can’t cook so eats take out every night and looks awful and despite working v hard in a very respected professional fiend has little disposable income because money abroad to his family and also pays child support to me. I have been helped hugely by my own family financially so I am comfortable with a nice house. So I feel sad for him and responsible but also angry that he’s not taking care of himself for the children’s sake and building a better life. It’s so complicated.

OP posts:
Original poster
NoFun21 · 29/10/2019 09:05

Professional field. Sorry he’s not a professional fiend 😈

OP posts:
Bellringer · 29/10/2019 09:23

You started by saying it was unwise to sleep with him, now you're justifying it. If you write doormat on your head and lie down people will walk all over you. Find your strength, you must have used it to leave, keep away from him, it may reappear. It will be tough for a while but you know you made the right decision for you and dc. It will get better, just hang on.

Original poster
NoFun21 · 29/10/2019 09:24

Thanks Bellringer. I’m not justifying it I’m just explaining why I’m conflicted and easily manipulated.

OP posts:
BiMum5 · 29/10/2019 10:40

He is not your responsibility. Plenty of men live alone and cook for themselves. If he's found himself in a shitty flat because he was a shitty husband, that's his problem not yours. He's emotionally manipulating you into sex when the relationship is over. Don't let him do that. You're worth so much more

Interestedwoman · 29/10/2019 11:18

'I feel like I’m stuck in a web or a maze and I can’t see any way out. Life feels relentlessly hard and sometimes I can’t bear it. I can’t risk it getting worse.'

You could also try some new medication- if you've tried something then go back, say you still aren't doing well, and they can try you on another. There are dozens of mental health meds, so if a particular one doesn't work there's almost always something else they can try, and eventually they'll hit on something that helps. Hugs xxxxx

StanleySteamer · 29/10/2019 11:21

Life doesn't stop in yor forties. I met my second and present wife when she was 42. If your crap husband still fancies you, then obviously other men will fancy you too, not that I expect this is a priority for you at the moment, but just saying...

Cheeseandwin5 · 29/10/2019 13:17

Sorry , you know he finds you attractive, doesnt want to divorce and than use sex as a way of controlling and punishing him.
I am not surprised he is angry, you sound very manipulative and controlling. If you dont want to be with him, than tell him and organise the situation where you dont fall into bed with him and don't use sex as a tool to make him admit to things he doesn't believe just so you can blame him

Zaphodsotherhead · 29/10/2019 13:46

Sometimes when you are deep in the web of depression it can seem as though life is stuck and will always be the way it is now. Which can make it harder to look for change, because - well, what would be the point?

If you deal with the feelings that are holding you down (loneliness, depression) then you will have more strength to deal with your ex. Go to the doctor and ask for help. Ask anyone for help, your son's school may know of groups you could join. Think about taking up something you could do during the day - therapeutic life writing may be good for you, some kind of hobby, just for you.

Once you start to strengthen in yourself, you will find you have more abiity to tell your XP to shove his pathetic offers of sex.

Original poster
NoFun21 · 29/10/2019 13:56

Cheeseandwin5 clearly I have this the wrong way around, thank you.

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 29/10/2019 13:59

So many excuses.

Original poster
NoFun21 · 29/10/2019 15:39

Food for thought thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
NoFun21 · 29/10/2019 20:55

I am actually really upset by the last two posts as they are not true and I am not making excuses I am taking all the responsibility and he is putting all the responsibility on me. Nor am I sexually manipulative. I came on mumsnet because I thought I might get advice from other women who
Might understand the pressures of my situation but I don’t think that’s the only demographic.

OP posts:
Original poster
NoFun21 · 29/10/2019 20:56

I do appreciate the earlier posts though.

OP posts:
Happityhap · 29/10/2019 21:27

You don't sound manipulative or controlling - he does.

Stop feeling sorry for him. He can take responsibility for himself and his own living conditions & food.

A pp suggested you all go out somewhere, on his visits. Could you do that?

Can you speak to your family? And are they near you?