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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please can someone talk to me

59 replies

Henriettahufflepuff · 28/10/2019 19:13

I have name changed and am in my car with tears pouring down my face.

I want to know if this is normal as I have lost all perspective. Dp rarely listens to me. I have to repeat myself numerous times for the smallest of things. So today we argued because every week I go food shopping straight after work, I always ask what he wants and cook him nice meals but whenever he goes to the shops he gets me nothing. I have explained so many times how this makes me feel yet he does it all the time. He used to do his own washing and never mine, his own washing up and not mine until I finally got through to him.

Today he came in with shopping for his mum and him and not me. I asked why he had done it again and all he could say was your a fruit cake, I'm busy, go away. He never responds to me ever and I get so frustrated I become really distressed. I feel like nothing. And then he gets his phone out to film me to show me what a nutter I am. But I just want to be treated like an equal. This is only a few examples of what he does but my feelings are always disregardrd. I feel like I am losing my mind.

OP posts:
Wildorchidz · 28/10/2019 19:15

Are you in a position to leave him? He’s awful.

madcatladyforever · 28/10/2019 19:16

Do you live together or with his mum?

Herocomplex · 28/10/2019 19:16

No darling, it’s not normal. Time to make some changes. Has he always been like this? Are you married?

Original poster
Henriettahufflepuff · 28/10/2019 19:18

I was and I found a house I could afford. I told him it was a one off house as it was cheaper than average and I liked it. That if I bought it I could afford to have a life too. He cried, promised me he would change and didn't. More fool me, he did this to me a couple of years ago. So now I am looking at houses where I will probably have to scrimp n save and not have my car etc. I am stupid. I wanted to believe him

OP posts:
Herocomplex · 28/10/2019 19:20

You’re not stupid.

Iflyaway · 28/10/2019 19:20

You are not losing your mind!

How the hell did you ever get with someone like that? Anyway, that is neither here nor there, you have to get away from him!

He is despicable.

As for getting shopping for him and his mum, do you live there? Does she also treat you like this? The apple not falling far from the tree and all that.

Please get in touch with WomensAid.

You deserve a so much better life than this.

Herocomplex · 28/10/2019 19:21

Do you own your house together? Are you able to support yourself?

scoobydoo1971 · 28/10/2019 19:30

Save to support yourself, and in the meantime make sure you do nothing for this man, absolutely no chores, no favours, no treats...zero effort. He is abusing you, but the only person who can take control of this situation is you. Filming you and calling you nasty names is part of an effort to control, belittle and gas-light you into believing that you can never do better in your life than him. Frankly living on an island with a couple of sticksto make a fire and a parrot for company would be better than him. Tears won't fix this, so make a plan and escape before he wears you down further.

crystalize · 28/10/2019 19:31

It's not normal. He's an utter abusive twat. How awful for you. Do yourself a favour and leave him pronto. No explaining. No discussions. Grey rock.

Startingoveragain1 · 28/10/2019 19:35

That is absolutely not normal and not ok. To overlook you like that, give those responses like ure a piece of s*it. And record you when he has pushed you too far is absolutely disgusting and abusive. Im sorry you're finding yourself in such a crap place love. Did u say ure not in the position to leave now?

toshbish123 · 28/10/2019 19:39

You are NOT stupid. He promised to change and seemed genuine, why shouldn't you have believed him?

He's the idiot here, not you.

He sounds horrible and cruel and extremely manipulative. To film you when you're upset is horrific.

Really hope you're okay and have someone IRL to talk to xx

Interestedwoman · 28/10/2019 19:39

He sounds awful. You're not a fruitcake, he's a wanker. Best wishes for starting a new life. Hugs xxxxx

AdaColeman · 28/10/2019 19:44

It's not normal, he is an obnoxious abusive bully.

He is doing the food thing and filming you, in order to belittle you, and make you accept a subservient position. He is a very nasty piece of work.

You are not "a nutter" but that is what he wants you to believe, so that it is easy for him to control you.

You have to get out of that relationship Henrietta. Start to plan your escape, but be careful. When controlling men fear they are going to lose their victim they can become violent.

Don't be fooled by his tears again, he will never change to become the loving partner you deserve.

EllaEllaE · 28/10/2019 20:09

Oh lovely, you are not in the wrong here. What a mean person he must be. You should be the person he thinks of first, every time. Not an after-thought (or no thought!). And he should definitely not be calling you names and making you cry. Even if you have to scrimp and save for a while, and get a bike or the bus, it will be worth it to not have someone who makes you feel so unhappy. life is too short.

Anothernick · 28/10/2019 20:13

He sounds horrible. Do his own washing up but not yours! And filming you in that way is humiliating and obviously intended to bully you. Get rid.

Original poster
Henriettahufflepuff · 28/10/2019 20:14

We don't live with his mum but she is 88 and can't really shop for herself anymore. And that's great - I love that he does that for her. But I am invisible. He gets things that his daughter likes but rarely if ever for me. If I tell him I am unhappy about something he tells me I am being silly.

We are not married and I am not on the mortgage. He did ask me to go on it but I said no as we don't get on well enough to commit like that.

Yet still I stay. I don't know why. I was abused as a child and dont soeak to my family aside from my nan n grandad and one cousin and am scared of being lonely and scared of being unwell and alone because I have atrial fibrillation and the thought of it getting worse terrified me I know being on my own is better than this yet still I stay. I am my own worst enemy

OP posts:
Livebythecoast · 28/10/2019 20:25

Please find the strength to leave this man.
Filming you when you're upset? What kind of 'man' (and I use that term loosely), does that?.
This 'relationship ' is not normal. And you're not stupid btw - you're vulnerable and you believed him - that's not being stupid - you trusted him.
Please leave him. He will erode your self confidence to the point where you won't leave. You know this isn't right. Wishing you all the strength and best wishes Flowers

ravenmum · 28/10/2019 20:27

The filming is disgusting.

You've tried asking him nicely to change and he hasn't. You've kept asking and he hasn't changed. If you move on to begging and nagging he'll call you a nutter again. Those tactics don't work.

You want an equal partner, you're going to have to find an equal partner. This person is not a partner to you, and he's not your equal; he's nowhere near as decent as you.

SpookilyBadOooooooh · 28/10/2019 20:30

(((Hug)))) it’s not you, it’s him. He’s nasty

Could you stay with your grandparents while you look for a place? (Or a friend or lodge in a room). He’s a head fuck and you need to brace up to leaving.🌷

AdaColeman · 28/10/2019 20:31

Henrietta A previous poster mentioned Women's Aid, and they are right, you should contact them. They would help you create a plan to leave this awful man.

Also, have a look at The Freedom Programme, you can do it on-line now. It might help you see why you put up his bullying behaviour.

The more you say about him, the more it's clear how horrible he is to you.

Original poster
Henriettahufflepuff · 28/10/2019 20:33

I do shout when I get distressed because he never responds to what I say. I know that's wrong but I feel so frustrated. And then he goes around closing windows and hissing at me that I am an embarrassment. I hate that I don't have normal responses anymore. He will never apologise. H4cis always in the right.

I had a termination a few years ago as I knew he would not be there for me as he has a hobby that takes him away a lot. And I didn't feel able to have a baby with someone like that. He nearly didn't come with me as it almost clashed with one of his events and even before he kept saying " Well if it happens in the morning I can go in the evening" until the hospital explained that after a ga you need someone with you for 24 hours

OP posts:
Original poster
Henriettahufflepuff · 28/10/2019 20:41

My nan n grandad only have a tiny 1 bed house about 80 miles away and my cousin lives in France. I have a small amount of savings Though and enough for a 5 percent house deposit. I am 41 now so I really need to get on the ladder soon or I will be out of the affordability range due to my age.

I have thought about the Freedom Programme before and would like to do this. My previous relationship was lovely- we are still best of friends- but the one before was abusive in a different way. I have often thought that to have 2 people be like this and to make them both so angry, perhaps it is me. I do nag and I often end up following dp from room to room because he walks off and shuts doors in my face without ever responding to what I am saying. I just want to be listened to but I don't seem to know how to do this in the right way anymore

OP posts:
ravenmum · 28/10/2019 20:45

If you do manage to leave, you'll feel better about yourself as you won't be driven to shouting through frustration.
Have you sought help from outside already?

ravenmum · 28/10/2019 20:47

I just want to be listened to but I don't seem to know how to do this in the right way anymore
He doesn't want to listen to you. You can't make other people do things they don't want to. It's got nothing to do with your ability to communicate.

MrsAJ27 · 28/10/2019 20:49

Your DP is massive prick, you know that you deserve better than to be treated like this. The fact that he films you is fucking disgusting, especially when you are being vulnerable and opening up to him.

Form the sounds of things he brings nothing to your life and this relationship needs to end.