Please can someone talk to me

[Henriettahufflepuff]

I have name changed and am in my car with tears pouring down my face.

I want to know if this is normal as I have lost all perspective. Dp rarely listens to me. I have to repeat myself numerous times for the smallest of things. So today we argued because every week I go food shopping straight after work, I always ask what he wants and cook him nice meals but whenever he goes to the shops he gets me nothing. I have explained so many times how this makes me feel yet he does it all the time. He used to do his own washing and never mine, his own washing up and not mine until I finally got through to him.

Today he came in with shopping for his mum and him and not me. I asked why he had done it again and all he could say was your a fruit cake, I'm busy, go away. He never responds to me ever and I get so frustrated I become really distressed. I feel like nothing. And then he gets his phone out to film me to show me what a nutter I am. But I just want to be treated like an equal. This is only a few examples of what he does but my feelings are always disregardrd. I feel like I am losing my mind.

Just read your last two posts and he clearly doesn't give shit about you or your feelings.

I doubt he'd be there for you if you took a turn for the worse anyway. More likely you'd just get extra disregarded and be made to feel more aggrieved by his lack of interest.

He's a bully op. And bullies go for your week spots. So get out now while you're well enough. He'll only get worse. Find yourself somewhere else, even if it means renting for a while. Or you could do a flatshare for the sake of company maybe? If you don't have a ton of furniture.

You can leave op. The alternative is staying with this twat - surely nothing's worse than that!? xD

*weak spots

Him walking away from you during a discussion, and him not responding to your points/questions are both classic control techniques used by abusers.
He is using them deliberately, so that you do feel frustrated and you do lose control. Then he can give it a twist so that you feel everything is your fault, not his. So then you feel even worse, probably apologise to him, do what he wants etc.

The walking away, lets you know that he will only engage when he decides to, lets you know that he is in control, and that in turn makes you feel your points/thoughts are not valid, only his point of view matters or is right.

Once you see his strategies for what they are, methods to control you and your thoughts, it's easier to cope with them.

No, this is the first time I have talked about it properly. The more I think about it the more examples I can think of where he has been awful to me.

When I was diagnosed with atrial fibrillation I was scared and upset and he didn't get it. He asked why I was crying as I had suspected I had a heart problem for a while any way, and then he got his phone out to watch videos on his own on Facebook as it was depressing and to lighten the mood.

I have been such an idiot and still I have stayed. Even his own daughters have said I could do better yet I do nothing about it o it of fear. And because with him I have a family - 2 step daughters I get on great with and his mum who is dotty as he'll but lovely

I have a dog so renting would be tricky. I need to buy ideally and then never let myself be so vulnerable again

Oh Sweetie, you poor rabbit. Get out of this living hell that you are in. You are basically a robot in this relationship, not a person! Being by yourself would be so much happier than being treated like a non-person, or an unpaid servant.
Pack up when he’s at his bloody hobby and just go.

He probably won’t notice

"He didn't get it"
He gets it. He just doesn't care.

If you ever find yourself explaining the most obvious of feelings (eg:'I am upset because you swore at me') to someone and being looked at with a blank stare (then trying to rephrase things thinking you haven't explained properly) - you.are.with.an.abuser. Normal people gave empathy and this shut shouldn't have to be explained to them. He gets it, he just doesn't care. And he wants you to feel crazy/selfish/bad/wrong for having needs. (Or for holding him accountable for anything or expecting anything from him).

Hello dear your dp is a narcissist.

Please visit this woman's youtube channel who talks about narcissism and different aspects of narcissistic disorder. Once you have watched her videos all will add up and start making sense.

www.youtube.com/channel/UC6Wl7WhoeTw_dTDbAM3J7Fw

In my experience, being alone with your "partner" right there next to you is a lot more unpleasant than just being alone.

Shame you didn't go for the house before, but you didn't have a crystal ball. If you can buy now, well great ... if you can't, other options might be more complicated but that doesn't mean you should just give up without trying.

Get yourself some outside help, go and chat to your cousin maybe? Sounds like you need a bit of a push in the right direction?

It always feels daunting and often impossible to leave an abuser. One reason is that your confidence and self esteem has been eroded and uou will also be drained as you are living in a hostile environment. It is however possible, just take one step at a time. Remember you are a capable woman.

Getting out is the first step to rebuild your energy levels. In the meantime look up narcisstist personality. His need to devalue you reflects on his flawed personality and has nothing to do with you.

In the meantime please get support, even a friend to talk to, use MN, or a counsellor. Try to observe his behaviour rather than react to it. I know it is so difficult but he is deliberately goading you so he can call you crazy. His behaviour is not rational so it won't make sense to you.

Please take care of yourself.

One thing you shouldn't do though, is to go to counselling with him. An abuser will use the joint therapy sessions to increase your vulnerability. So only go alone.

Hi OP. Have you posted before? I remember a post where the abusive DP filmed the op to make her look mad.
Anyway, I think you know that everyone agrees he is an awful human being and you need to get away from him.
On the buying front, just to say I have recently just bought a house on my own with a 5% deposit and I am 43 so don't think its too late.
I do think you need to get our sooner than that if you can afford to rent for a few months.
This man is relying on your being weak and too scared to leave him. Prove this arsehole wrong!

Time to stop being a doormat and leave his abusive arse.

OP, your heart issues might well be caused by this toxic toad of a partner. You will be fitter and healthier when you are away from his horrible bullying.

It has crossed my mind he might be a narcissist. He likes to be the alpha male, he has no heart as nothing seems to phase him, he can rarely show empathy, he is well known where we live for being too honest. He would rather be "honest" or rude as I call it than nice so as to not hurt people's feeling. And he loves to put constant long statuses on Facebook when really no-one is that bothered what he does during the day.

I haven't posted before but I think I have seen something similar on here. It scares me that there are more men like this out there.

It's heartening that a house was bought at 43. I was always worried I had missed the boat.

He blames things on work stress. Or my heart tablets. Or wine if I have had wine. Or my period. Says I need help. That I get too upset and shouty. I do get upset n shouty but only ever due to him. I have told him he is the only common factor and still he doesn't see it

It's never too late to leave a bad relationship, buy a new house, make new friends, reinvent your life. 41 isn't remotely old!
I hope you find strength to leave OP, you owe it to yourself. Don't let your 40s be miserable.

Just wanted to share my story, offload my sadness a little.
15 months ago when my LB was only 12 weeks old my Husband of one year (together for 7) walked out and left us for a woman he started kissing at work two weeks beforehand.
Before this he was a wonderful man, adored me, said he loved our life, my soulmate.
I had quite a traumatic birth and a difficult time after birth. When I found out he had kissed her my world collapsed, I was already dealing with so many emotions being a first time Mum and finding it all very overwhelming breastfeeding etc.
He said he was going to sort his head out on the Friday and his friends and actually slept with that vile woman and never came back. The following week renting a house with her. Walked out on his Wife, newborn Son, two dogs, our friends and families, the home he built and never looked back. Didn’t bat an eyelid.
At first I thought he would see sense and come home. He never. He’s still with her.
I’ve always allowed contact with our Son but under my roof.
What’s also strange is I basically had a breakdown in front of him. Cried everyday for 8 months solid whilst holding our home and family together and not once had he shown and empathy, remorse towards me. If anything I irritate him. Said he hasn’t been happy for ages that’s why he did it, we had only just got married and had a child. There’s nothing to suggest this. If that was true you would talk about it and at least try wouldn’t you?!
So 15 months on I’m in a much better place but still can’t move on from it or get over how he could hurt me and not care. Not care how I’d would cope at the most vulnerable time in my life. How it would affect me and our baby.

If you have savings & income what's stopping you from renting or buying on your own ?

I've lived on my own, it's ok

You can do what you want, when you want !

You can join some local clubs, volunteer, move to a new area

It made me a stronger person

Make serious plans to start on your own
Don't tell your partner
He is not worthy of being called a partner
Make some positive changes for yourself

@Kaneb123 wow your ex really is a callous arsehole. I don't think anyone would expect you to be over it yet and would suggest counselling if you can.
OP I hope you can find the strength to leave. This man needs a short sharp shock or he will just continue to get away with treating you like this. I'm not being mean here but you are enabling his behaviour. Only you can stop it now because he won't.

No love, you're instincts sound spot on here. He has put you at the bottom of his pecking order...is it because you're the only person who challenges him and so the biggest threat to his authority/self-appointed top spot? Looking at it from a practical perspective, this is not going to work, is it? You are never going to be happy in this situation. You have tried. You have told him what you need and given him fair chance to pay attention. His crying clearly wasn't heartfelt otherwise he'd have changed his ways.
Really, you need to consider whether you want to carry on like this for the next few years or just make the move now to change things. Every incident like this teaches you what you're not happy with...so you can be thankful that next time you're in a relationship you will be hyperaware of any behaviour such as this.
I would try, as much as possible, to put your emotions to one side for the moment and deal with this practically. Its not going to get better so its best to just get the whole hurt and upheaval over and done with so you can move on from it all. I wish you all the best. He doesn't deserve your time or energy. Please move on.

Stop buying him nice food and cooking for him.
As of now.
Just live separately.
Do you have a spare room you could move into until you have found somewhere else to live.
You missed an opportunity a while ago but they do come around again.
Keep your eyes peeled.
Keep thing separate from now on.
Let him get on with his life and you get on with yours.
Get out and about.
Keep busy.
Do NOT include him in any of your life from now on.
Time to detach.
Time to move on.
You can do this!

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds like one of those situations where you don't realise how bad it got until you're out the other end. I'm sorry about your health fears, but on balance I think the unhappiness and stress are probably doing your body more damage while you stay. A poster who left a massively abusive relationship a couple of weeks ago said her GP had been a life saver. Do you have a decent GP to talk to?