Dp and Ds 8th birthday yesterday.

[Fedupofitnow123]

It was ds's birthday yesterday, on Friday I went and got his gifts while doing the weekly shop, Saturday went into town to get his cake twice! as Ds was with me and decided on one that needed to be made so we collected later in the evening.

DP had promised DS to go to softplay on Sunday (his birthday), Sunday comes around and I'm finding DS something to wear and say about "when we come back...." and DP shouts through, "We're not going" I ignored it...

Next I'm in the kitchen and DP comes in "We don't really have to go do we?" I said yes as DS has been looking forward to it and he promised DS.

The DP comes up with a genius plan wherby we invite some of DS friends (a family 5 minutes walk away) and then DP can stay at home, so I agree, I know if he comes now he'll be extremely moody and ruin it. This has happened before with a planned bike ride, DP promised it, didn't want to go on the actual day (as always) and then had a MASSIVE tantrum, he refused to talk to me for the entire bike ride.

So I agreed, I phoned my friend and she said they'd love to go. The plan was to go to her house, then to lidl and catch the bus together.
When I got to her house she wasn't ready, ended up making all the kids lunch and we left after 2 hours. Got to softplay, left softplay and then my oyster wasn't working so we all walked home.

It took a bit longer than expected and we reached home at 5pm. I asked DP if he had started the roast dinner (DS requested birthday meal) and he said no, later adding "Why should I slave around in the kitchen while you and DS have a day out" (I'd already prepared it all in the morning, he just needed to turn it on) Before we left for softplay, he had told DS that he wasn't going as he was going to the shop to buy DS his gifts (Lie as I'd already got and wrapped them). When we came back DP had got the gifts and the cake and set them up nicely. It was lovely. DS was excited as only asked for 1 toy but got 3. All the way through DS was saying "Thanks dad, thanks dad for the gifts" DP said nothing.

I was cooking the meal and asked DP to make fresh gravy (I am rubbish at it) He did and said you can make gravy from water or milk, I made a comment that from milk sounds disgusting, he gave me an absolutely filthy look and started having a go saying I never try new foods, (not true). The led on to I always finish what he is saying and I'm obviously not interested onto how I am not "here" in my head, and always floating away somewhere. (Because he'd made me cry and I wasn't completely over everything instantly) At one point he even said "That's what happened, accept it", he told me how I behave and then when I disagreed he later said that "we had agreed that I was behaving in such a way" I asked him to stop numerous times as it was DS's birthday.

He wouldn't. He then had a go at me for taking DS out with another family on his birthday, and when I said "Maybe you should have come then!" He flew off the handle saying I had said he was a bad dad! He would not stop shouting, I tried to DS's cake, asked him if he wanted to sing "happy birthday" with us, he accused me of asking him if he wants to have cake with us, thus calling him a bad dad again. No amount of "I never said that" mattered. I relented, cut DS his cake, apologised to him and we tried to play xbox while DP was still going on.

He eventually stopped, and then never spoke to me at all for the rest of the evening (so from 8pm onwards) Went to bed alone (unusual for us) Refused to touch me in the night.

Then today, he sends me a message saying "we had to buy ds presents on credit" as if that's an excuse.

I am utterly fed up of this now. I did so much yet it still wasn't enough. He tried to hug me this morning (after he came back from work because it was cold) and I'm just sick of it. AIBU in any of this?

I loved this man, I thought we were good, I'd planned a life, but it's all no more, and I have to adjust.

This is actually a really big thing to realise so soon after leaving.

And you've done nothing wrong here at all. Nothing to beat yourself up about. You fell in love with someone was hiding who they really were.

Then you realised.

And you've left.

Your DS will always remember your strength in leaving and that you put him first. And your new baby will grow up in a safe environment, with a happy and safe Mummy. (And you will be happy again, even if it doesn't feel like it yet).

Keep posting, keep talking to your family (they all sounds fab) and just give yourself time to grieve and put yourself back together. You'll get there. And we're all right behind you.

You'll have good days and bad days. Sometimes you will ache to be held by him. Then you'll berate yourself for feeling like that. It's normal. It will get better. In the short to medium term it will be hard, but it's so worth it.

You are doing brilliantly OP, you may not feel it but you are incredibly strong and a inspiration.

You may have planned a life with that man, but that wasn't the life he was giving you and all of this just means you get to plan a new one, a better one, one where you and your children are happy, one where you aren't living in fear and one where you are respected and loved, one where your children grow up well adjusted not seeing violence day in day out. You get to create the life you want now.

Keep looking to the future, keep your head up and keep your eyes on the prize which is you and your children been happy again, it will happen, these are just the first few steps to that life.

Been waiting all day to see a message from you that you are ok so thanks for updating us all, as you can see there is a lot of support here for you and your bravery, truly inspirational stay strong xx

Isn’t it amazing how they all think a prescription from the GP will cure them of their pathological personalities. What magical miracle people these GPs must be to have medicine that stops you from physically intimidating you partner, lying about your age, setting up cameras to spy on your partner’s every move, threatening to kill your partner, and acting like an abusive scumbag. It’s amazing we have any crime at all with this miracle medication available..

Well done for getting out OP. I’ve been reading although I’ve not commented. Please ignore his pathetic whining. I’m sure he must be really sad he can’t abuse you anymore but he’ll just have to be a big boy and suck it up.

Don’t go back to him. You don’t want to go through all that again.

Thank you everyone, you have been a massive support in all of them his. I'm definitely not going back, we deserve to be happy and to live in peace, it's nice not having ds ask what mood his dad will be home in today, or hearing how ds has tried to work out his moods if we do end up getting back from shopping after he finishes work. Ds used to say "if he's left one door open I know he's in a good mood, if both are closed he's in a bad mood"

I'm sat here reading "why does he do that"?again, it's all too easy to start minimising it all again, so I'm trying to keep my mind in the place of knowing it wasn't normal

Oh my goodness, what a lovely, intuitive child you have raised.

No child should have to manage their parents emotional state that way though. So well done for you for leaving.

Stay safe

Just popped by to say well done again, and how happy I am for your DS. You both deserve so much better, and now you will have it. 🎉

Ok, so I have opened my messages again today, he has created a new number and messaged me very formally on it. Using "Hi there..." then asking me to transfer money to a friend so he can pay the landlord. Only, I went into the bank earlier today and know he has drawn out £620, £550 of that is from yesterday and today, he was owed £700 from payment on Tuesday.

I have now cancelled the card as it is in my name. What is this about? Asking me to now send money for him to pay the landlord, I got paid today, £940 for the month and was only able to draw out *870 as a payment had come out.

This is making me nervous again, very uneasy...

What does he think, that I don't know he drew out all of that money, does he think all of it in there is his? Just what?!

Ignore him. He hasn’t changed. He still thinks you owe him in every sense. What an entitled git.

I wouldn’t be surprised to find that he had conveniently put all the bills in your name even though you were the lower earner.

And yes, he is so arrogant that he doesn’t think you will see through him or question his behaviour.

Put the message in a folder and remember that it’s not your problem anymore.

I would not send rent to a 3rd party for him to pass onto the landlord. That sound dodgy as. Surely you direct deposit it into landlord’s account or via real estate agent, etc. I second ignoring this correspondence & liaising with landlord yourself.

It’s possible he wanted to start a fight with you over money, any attention for him at this point would be welcome. Best to not feed the beast. Good call shutting the account down.

I have already liased with the landlord, he told me he had been in contact with exdp who was sorting the rent. BUT, he has already had his weeks wages that he earned. (minus £80)

All bills are already in my name at the property.

He told the landlord he would sort it.
So let him.
If he was owed £700 and took most of it with the card just don't send him any

He is financially abusive too. He expects you to subsidise him when you earned less that’s why the bills were in your name.

He expects you to still pay after you have gone. It shows how his mind works.

can you open a new account and arrange for any payments to go in there from now onwards
Do you remember which company the bills are with - can you contact them and tell them you have left now - you dont want to have to deal with them so they will need to close accounts and he will need to take them over. again you dont need to tell him this yourself. You can inform landlord - he can go in if neccesary and take final readings for you as he wont want a bad credit against the home.
you dont need to pay any rent. You have notified landlord and he knows you are not there and your ex is, and has said he will get rent from him.
your ex will need to sort that all out himself. Hes a big boy now. you managed to do it all when you moved in no doubt, and people do it every day. not your problem.
grey rock and no contact.

also notify the bank so that you can either be taken off the joint account or have the account frozen until its closed. that should make him move his arse.

You need to take your name off / close all accounts/bills that are in your name Fedup.
Do it as soon as possible so's you don't have utility companies, council tax, etc. coming after you.

You are doing amazingly on the practical front, fedup! Really organised.
I’m glad you bought new jeans.

“I loved this man, I thought we were good, I'd planned a life” This is hard, and only time will help because however much you are relieved not to be dealing with his moods and his attacks and his behaviour to your Ds at the same time you are grieving the loss of the life and love you thought you had.

And you weren’t wrong to fall in love with him. You saw the good things, and they were good. It isn’t your fault you couldn’t see what was hidden or what was to come.

So you aren’t wrong to be sad. It’s grief.

But he is truly a horror. I am haunted by this tapping you in the face thing. It sounds so horrible.

Did he do it in front of Ds?

Try and get your finances sorted ASAP OP. He will use money as peerage to try and get at you.

Also having left an abusive ex whilst pregnant, I understand how hard it is to get up and go some days. I went to see a perinatal psychologist who had a background in DV and if it wasn't for her I wouldn't have made it through the pregnancy. Try and Ee if you can get someone to talk to to help you xxx

I hope today has been a better day for you @fedupofitnow123

Hi OP, have a read of this thread from earlier this year, it may resonate with you and give you some strength in your determination to escape your husband:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3531414-handhold-told-h-i-want-a-divorce-the-fallout-and-rise-again-hopefully

The poster, @Awesmum, has updated today.....

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3739572-handhold-told-h-i-want-a-divorce-the-rise-and-fall-i-am-rising?watched=1&msgid=91463149#91463149

Thank you for asking today has been an awful day, the worst since we left.

BIL has treated my son badly, telling me hes not "horrible horrible" meaning hes a little horrible, its broke me, we've left my sisters and she is absolutely furious with him. Thankfully ds was out with my brother when this was said, but I've said that we will no longer be going there for Christmas as planned.

Ds has heard a lot of people not liking him lately and it really isn't what an 8 year old boy needs to hear, exdp told ds all of my family hate him which isn't true and that my friends husband hates him. Today was prompted by ds tripping over a glass cabinet door that was encased in wood and left wide open by BIL and snapping it, BIL then kicked it off fully.

I love my sister and know she has nothing to do with this, it's just absolutely tough, we are now with my parents. It's really hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when all of this is going on.

So sorry it has fallen apart with Bil. You are doing the right thing looking out for your DS. There will be some bumpy days until you get all aspects of your life in place but you will get there.

So sorry today has been rubbish. I hope you feel settled with your parents. It can't be easy sharing other people's space for you both. This will pass though, and things will settle more when you have your own space, which will come.

Try and think back to where you were a week ago. How if you had visited your sister for the afternoon and this had happened, how it would be another thing to mentally deal with on top of living with someone so abusive. And whilst all the emotions of that relationship are still there, you are no longer IN that situation and so can give your DS your full attention and prioritise him, which is exactly what you have done. He's really seeing his mum come through for him. And continuing to do so in the face of new challenges. You are doing great.

How are you feeling towards BIL at the moment?