Dp and Ds 8th birthday yesterday.

[Fedupofitnow123]

It was ds's birthday yesterday, on Friday I went and got his gifts while doing the weekly shop, Saturday went into town to get his cake twice! as Ds was with me and decided on one that needed to be made so we collected later in the evening.

DP had promised DS to go to softplay on Sunday (his birthday), Sunday comes around and I'm finding DS something to wear and say about "when we come back...." and DP shouts through, "We're not going" I ignored it...

Next I'm in the kitchen and DP comes in "We don't really have to go do we?" I said yes as DS has been looking forward to it and he promised DS.

The DP comes up with a genius plan wherby we invite some of DS friends (a family 5 minutes walk away) and then DP can stay at home, so I agree, I know if he comes now he'll be extremely moody and ruin it. This has happened before with a planned bike ride, DP promised it, didn't want to go on the actual day (as always) and then had a MASSIVE tantrum, he refused to talk to me for the entire bike ride.

So I agreed, I phoned my friend and she said they'd love to go. The plan was to go to her house, then to lidl and catch the bus together.
When I got to her house she wasn't ready, ended up making all the kids lunch and we left after 2 hours. Got to softplay, left softplay and then my oyster wasn't working so we all walked home.

It took a bit longer than expected and we reached home at 5pm. I asked DP if he had started the roast dinner (DS requested birthday meal) and he said no, later adding "Why should I slave around in the kitchen while you and DS have a day out" (I'd already prepared it all in the morning, he just needed to turn it on) Before we left for softplay, he had told DS that he wasn't going as he was going to the shop to buy DS his gifts (Lie as I'd already got and wrapped them). When we came back DP had got the gifts and the cake and set them up nicely. It was lovely. DS was excited as only asked for 1 toy but got 3. All the way through DS was saying "Thanks dad, thanks dad for the gifts" DP said nothing.

I was cooking the meal and asked DP to make fresh gravy (I am rubbish at it) He did and said you can make gravy from water or milk, I made a comment that from milk sounds disgusting, he gave me an absolutely filthy look and started having a go saying I never try new foods, (not true). The led on to I always finish what he is saying and I'm obviously not interested onto how I am not "here" in my head, and always floating away somewhere. (Because he'd made me cry and I wasn't completely over everything instantly) At one point he even said "That's what happened, accept it", he told me how I behave and then when I disagreed he later said that "we had agreed that I was behaving in such a way" I asked him to stop numerous times as it was DS's birthday.

He wouldn't. He then had a go at me for taking DS out with another family on his birthday, and when I said "Maybe you should have come then!" He flew off the handle saying I had said he was a bad dad! He would not stop shouting, I tried to DS's cake, asked him if he wanted to sing "happy birthday" with us, he accused me of asking him if he wants to have cake with us, thus calling him a bad dad again. No amount of "I never said that" mattered. I relented, cut DS his cake, apologised to him and we tried to play xbox while DP was still going on.

He eventually stopped, and then never spoke to me at all for the rest of the evening (so from 8pm onwards) Went to bed alone (unusual for us) Refused to touch me in the night.

Then today, he sends me a message saying "we had to buy ds presents on credit" as if that's an excuse.

I am utterly fed up of this now. I did so much yet it still wasn't enough. He tried to hug me this morning (after he came back from work because it was cold) and I'm just sick of it. AIBU in any of this?

Maybe I'm jumping to conclusions but could it be that your sister has ended up with a wanker not quite as bad as your ex? I hope your parents have more empathy with your son and you.

Your BIL has been a twat but if he is usually a decent person then I would take some time out at your parents and see if he apologises.
It is a tense and sensitive time so things that might have blown over in better circumstances become much bigger and more painful.
Take care.

Reported post 01.41.59

Thank you for reporting post before I could see it.

I feel hate towards my BIL, he knew what we are dealing with, I had asked multiple times if it's ok we are staying, and he clearly doesn't know my son, my son is so sweet and kind, he has a few things he's learned from his dad (saying things and then saying he's joking) but he truly doesn't realise that you can't say these things in a joke and apologises when told and feels bad.

I don't want to be near my BIL anymore. I don't want my son near my BIL. I'm so done with people like him, I've had enough of it already.

Don't worry, Alsioma didn't say anything bad about you or your situation. They have been spamming the boards with adverts all night.

It can be hard living with other people. I hope things are easier at your parents house.

OP, I’ve just read 23 pages in one go and wanted to say how brilliantly you are doing. Don’t doubt yourself. Just hold onto the moment your beautiful boy told you “My dream has come true”....

I don’t know exactly what happen with your BIL and it’s clearly something that has upset you deeply. I will say very very gently - your BIL is not your DH and I would just be aware that you may have a lot of repressed anger at your DH that is going to bubble up at times.

None of this means your BIL wasn’t a twat - it’s just that he might be a normal unthinking twat rather than an abusive one.

Oh love.

The whole situation with your Ds demonstrates how important it was for you to leave. Your ex’s behaviour was deeply toxic and damaging.

Notable how he tried to isolate your Ds from other relationships and your family.

You have a hell of a lot in your plate OP. I think you need professional support from Women’s Aid or the charity you said were helping. I honestly would be looking for counselling or family therapy for you and your Ds. This can be arranged by your GP but you are away from home so.....

Was your BIL clumsily referring to the fact that your Ds has social skills as coached by your ex? As if the poor boy can help it !!

Well done for getting so far in such horrible and difficult circumstances. I hope today is more peaceful.

OP, I’m sorry your BIL was a twat to your DS, DS really doesn’t need that. I hope things are ok at your parents house.

On a practical note, you need to contact all the companies who have accounts in your name. I did this when I left and they were great. You will have to cancel the accounts in your name and give them his details, where upon they’ll contact him about opening accounts in his own name. Unfortunately you’ll still be liable for the notice period, but, and this is important, tell them you had to leave in a hurry due to domestic violence. Don’t play this down. They will direct all further correspondence in your mane to you and they can set up a password so he can’t access the account. In some cases they’ll credit your account so the final bill isn’t so crippling, BT did this for me.

Belt and braces OP, and you can do it all without having to speak to him.

Open a new bank account that he doesn’t know about and get all your payments changed over. Then he can’t steel your money. He’s going to have to be a big boy and look after himself.

Keep on doing what you’re doing. You’re doing brilliantly. I hope things can calm down now you’re with your parents. Onwards and upwards OP.

I agree I think you need to get some therapy in place
How much has your DS socialised outside of you and his father

Will you be sending DS to school now. It might be a good idea if you could do a managed integration for him. He will inevitably isolated from his peers, lacking the opportunity to develop essential social skills.

I’m wondering if SS might be able to help here, not in a judging you way, but a helping your DS way. They can also facilitate things like getting you on the Freedom Programme, which is what they have done for me. They will be able to help with managed integration into school, plus supporting your DS’ emotional and social development through offering access to clubs and groups etc. They are actually really good at this, despite the bum rub they get on here.

It’s not necessarily a right now thing, as you all need some time to readjust, but I think in the not too distant future you need to consider it. Your DS will need emotional support, and however much you provide it for him you’re too close for him to be able to open up to fully. He’ll need somebody impartial who won’t be affected personally by how he’s feeling.

I hope things are better at your parents, your BIL is a dick!

Are you still home educating? I'm sure you said in one of your posts you are. I'm a home educator too, I think it's important to get your son out and about with your local group.

Introduce yourself, explain briefly your situation if you feel up to it, you don't have to go into any great detail but my experience from home educators are that they will welcome you both with open arms and be understanding of any behavioural issues your DS may have picked up from his dad and hopefully been around other children and families will help him realise he is likeable and his dad was definitely wrong!

Good luck OP!

Your bil is a dick. Have you got somewhere safe to stay at the moment if you have left there?
Sounds like he's going to be a dick about money. I'd cancel his access to anything and refer him to your solicitor in the messages before blocking him on that too.

I have been nodding my head at all your updates. So good to see your in a good mindset as in defo not going and going to do this for yourself and your son. Keep that in mind. Get angry. And keep hold of it to get you thru this stage. How dare he treat you like that. And your boy. How fucking dare he!
Your job now is to make sure that he can never ever have chance to do that again.
Then you can build the life you want for your lovely little family of 3! Just you and your kids, doing whatever you feel. Without having to dance to his stupid tune.

Been there op. It is shit. Really shit some days. But however shit it is it's got to be better than even imagining another 20 years if living like it would be with him ruling your life.

You are doing so well, I hope you manage to shrug off this latest upset. I would suggest that you open a new bank account with a different bank that is not linked to your old one. I have heard of cases where banks will empty a new account to service debt on your old account. Your ex could still get access to your income that way. Google banking groups to see which ones are linked.

"Today was prompted by ds tripping over a glass cabinet door that was encased in wood and left wide open by BIL and snapping it, BIL then kicked it off fully. "

Wow. Your BIL sounds like he has issues. I would be furious if DH just kicked off a broken door. Glad you've left as he sounds like he could go the same way as your ex DP.

I was sensitive to what BIL was doing, I can see what it looks like clear as day now. According to my sister he has cried today about his actions, but, he picked on my DS, singled him out and Christnas plans have been rearranged to my parents house this year.

Ds has really great social skills, I am always complimented on how well he speaks with people and how confident he is, we had some friends in London and before recent months I had made sure to take him to various places, soft plays, out with friends so he could socialise, he is the same as any other kid in that sense.

I want to carry on home schooling, and plan to do so, we just need to get through this difficult time, I've taken the weekend off getting sorted and feel fearful about continuing tomorrow to sort finances, housing and everything else that needs doing, I kind of just want to bury my head in the sand and pretend all is ok, but my sister won't let that happen so that's a bonus!

On a positive we had a good day today, saw my brother and spent time playing pool, was a really nice day! Ups and downs, ups and downs

Glad you've had a good day today. I hope you smooth things over with BIL. I hope his reaction was one borne of pent up emotions after what will have been a difficult week for them all too. By no means am i suggesting they have things as difficult as you, but I helped a friend through leaving an abusive relationship, though wasn't as heavily involved as your family have been, and I remember feeling emotionally drained and then guilty for feeling that way as I wasn't the one going through it. I hope him lashing out was a one off knee jerk reaction to a difficult time that he has failed to handle well.

Good luck tomorrow getting back into sorting out. Can you do a list of jobs in priority order so if you can only manage a few hours you know you've hit the most important stuff? It's both tedious and mind numbing at the best of times sorting out admin stuff, but on mass and when you're having to explain your situation it must be ten times worse.

You're placing your child's welfare above the hurt feelings of adults who should know better.... that's called parenting. I think you're doing really well.

Maybe in time things with BIL can be smoothed over, but right now it feels so raw. I understand he may be finding it hard, but I find that hard in another sense as while I was there all he did was play video games while I washed and done washing and looked after kids and stuff. Ah well, not my problem any more.

Writing the important tasks down first is a really good idea, it is completely exhausting to do it all and I really don't want to face it!

You've been an incredible advocate and protector for your son through this. Life must feel very difficult and exhausting right now but it will be worth it for both of you.

Its a difficult time Fedup, and I am sorry that things are not a little bit easier.

You have done what is best for you child. And you of course. It is possible that bil was feeling out of sorts with having extra visitors (did you not say in a post that you would be staying with them indefinitely). We don't know what transpired, but I do hope that in time things will sort themselves out, as you do seem to have a good relationship with your sister.

But at this point in time, its your child that needs the stability. You as adults can deal however, but that isn't the priority here. So personally i think continuing with home schooling is a good thing, as if you enrolled ds into a school now is going to be just one more massive thing for him to deal with. He is so young, even though he sounds very mature for his age.

Its only been a short while OP. Things will settle but feathers will be ruffled along the way. That's not your concern right now though. You have a lot more on your plate that is more important.

Hang in there.

How are you @Fedupofitnow123

@reignbow I am ok, thank you, actually feeling really sad today, this is the first day where I haven't been busy! It's really tough, my heart hurts, then I remember what hes like, then I'm ok, then I'm crying, it's so hard today!

BIL sent ds a bag of toys as a sorry and ds is over the moon

I’m glad your BIL is trying to make amends. This could be a positive lesson for your DS. Adults get it wrong sometimes and they don’t get to gaslight it away or blame the other person. They have to apologise properly and make amends.
I remember when my DC were small and I got very unfairly cross with them I had to go on the step in time out, just like they would. I felt it was important they learnt that there aren’t different behaviour rules for adults.

It’s OK to cry and grieve for your lost dream. It’s normal to go into a relationship full of hope and excitement for the future and it will hurt when that has gone.