Dp and Ds 8th birthday yesterday.

[Fedupofitnow123]

It was ds's birthday yesterday, on Friday I went and got his gifts while doing the weekly shop, Saturday went into town to get his cake twice! as Ds was with me and decided on one that needed to be made so we collected later in the evening.

DP had promised DS to go to softplay on Sunday (his birthday), Sunday comes around and I'm finding DS something to wear and say about "when we come back...." and DP shouts through, "We're not going" I ignored it...

Next I'm in the kitchen and DP comes in "We don't really have to go do we?" I said yes as DS has been looking forward to it and he promised DS.

The DP comes up with a genius plan wherby we invite some of DS friends (a family 5 minutes walk away) and then DP can stay at home, so I agree, I know if he comes now he'll be extremely moody and ruin it. This has happened before with a planned bike ride, DP promised it, didn't want to go on the actual day (as always) and then had a MASSIVE tantrum, he refused to talk to me for the entire bike ride.

So I agreed, I phoned my friend and she said they'd love to go. The plan was to go to her house, then to lidl and catch the bus together.
When I got to her house she wasn't ready, ended up making all the kids lunch and we left after 2 hours. Got to softplay, left softplay and then my oyster wasn't working so we all walked home.

It took a bit longer than expected and we reached home at 5pm. I asked DP if he had started the roast dinner (DS requested birthday meal) and he said no, later adding "Why should I slave around in the kitchen while you and DS have a day out" (I'd already prepared it all in the morning, he just needed to turn it on) Before we left for softplay, he had told DS that he wasn't going as he was going to the shop to buy DS his gifts (Lie as I'd already got and wrapped them). When we came back DP had got the gifts and the cake and set them up nicely. It was lovely. DS was excited as only asked for 1 toy but got 3. All the way through DS was saying "Thanks dad, thanks dad for the gifts" DP said nothing.

I was cooking the meal and asked DP to make fresh gravy (I am rubbish at it) He did and said you can make gravy from water or milk, I made a comment that from milk sounds disgusting, he gave me an absolutely filthy look and started having a go saying I never try new foods, (not true). The led on to I always finish what he is saying and I'm obviously not interested onto how I am not "here" in my head, and always floating away somewhere. (Because he'd made me cry and I wasn't completely over everything instantly) At one point he even said "That's what happened, accept it", he told me how I behave and then when I disagreed he later said that "we had agreed that I was behaving in such a way" I asked him to stop numerous times as it was DS's birthday.

He wouldn't. He then had a go at me for taking DS out with another family on his birthday, and when I said "Maybe you should have come then!" He flew off the handle saying I had said he was a bad dad! He would not stop shouting, I tried to DS's cake, asked him if he wanted to sing "happy birthday" with us, he accused me of asking him if he wants to have cake with us, thus calling him a bad dad again. No amount of "I never said that" mattered. I relented, cut DS his cake, apologised to him and we tried to play xbox while DP was still going on.

He eventually stopped, and then never spoke to me at all for the rest of the evening (so from 8pm onwards) Went to bed alone (unusual for us) Refused to touch me in the night.

Then today, he sends me a message saying "we had to buy ds presents on credit" as if that's an excuse.

I am utterly fed up of this now. I did so much yet it still wasn't enough. He tried to hug me this morning (after he came back from work because it was cold) and I'm just sick of it. AIBU in any of this?

I lived with a total twunt for years. When I finally left him I expected to feel joy and delight but I didn't. I felt sad and low, and a failure. I was shocked.
It's still early days for you. You've done a hugely courageous thing. But your life has changed and it's a massive deal, despite the fact that your life will significantly improve.
One step at a time. It's ok to have these feelings. You will have times when you feel fantastic but others, like at 4am, where you just feel shit. It will improve. Honestly. Keep going! Xx

I think everyone has said what needs to be said.

Just want to add to the support and let you know that I think you are an awesome lady. A strong and wonderful mother and you deserve not to have someone treat you the way he has and will again if you go back.

I don't want to go back

Remember this. Over and over.

If you DID, he’d snap straight back into the hellish arsehole he was... and worse, he’d crack down double hard and crush you

You’re out, you’re safe, your ds was HAPPY to go... remember? Hold onto this. It will feel better, keep going

Stay under a blanket and cry, honestly that's your body helping you to heal.

Block the email account, you don't owe him anything. You don't need to be reading these words they are just trying to mess with your head.

Well done 💐

told me to shut up when I was talking, told me not to bother talking unless I had anything interesting and unique to say, then would have a go at me because I never spoke

Absolute carbon copy of my experience with my ex. I'm 10 years away from him and now I can truly see what he was, what he did to me and how glad I am that I am no longer with him. But it took time to see the truth and feel justifiable anger. You've made a massive change to your life and leaving the familiar, however unpleasant, is hard. Give yourself time, read books about toxic relationships and how to deal with them, and look after your DS and growing baby. They now have the best shot at life, thanks to you. Well done OP.

for you.

Like PP have said, he’s trying to mess with your head. How can someone possibly go from:

Jabbing your face with his fingers
Pushing you
Calling you names
Belittling you
Manipulating you
Setting up cameras to watch you constantly
Letting down your DS on his birthday
Getting angry with you because you went somewhere with a friend
Getting angry because you spent £5 to meet your DB
(And anything else that he has done, which you have not written about yet.

To

I’ve seen a GP and got a prescription
I was like this because of LSD
I didn’t mean it
It will be better if you come back

Do you need your work email? If you don’t (as you were working for his business) then close it. Or if you need it, ask @ToxicCat to read it first, delete it/forward it to her email account.

Also, you need support so contact women’s aid and do the freedom programme.

Keep posting.

Cry and keep talking about your feelings.

My ex used to mime turning the volume down whenever I spoke when he didn’t want to

It’s a script

You know he has NOT been to the docs... you know he’s lying and full of crap

Block him from emails

I have just re read all your posts from the 28th and 29th.

He sounds like a psychopath. It makes really disturbing reading. There is no way you could go back. He would escalate his abuse, without doubt.

But as others who have escaped abuse have said, these early days are very hard. You haven’t had an outlet, or a safe space for years.

Blanket and hot drink, or a quick trip out if Ds fancies it.

You must NOT go back

Your life would be hell and your children’s lives would be hell. His gaslighting & abuse would escalate

His emails are lies, lies & more lies

Don’t even open them just gave them automatically go into a folder.

Be VERY careful to make sure your landlord & anyone else who you give your new address to knows it’s confidential and they are to be EXTREMELY careful not to give it to anyone else

STAY STRONG 🌷

Could you get a new email address for work?

OP, please just remember that your son asked you to escape from his own father, he asked you to help take him away and run away from him. He was scared for you both and that was what he could see.

Your Ex knows he could face legal charges for the way he treated you and kept you monitored, he’s trying to get you back not because he loves you but because he doesn’t want to do any jail time.

Always remember that your son asked for you to save him and you did. He will always remember you for that. Of course you are going to grieve for the life you think you should have have had and the happy family. But you will be a happy family now and safe and can learn the hide and not get physically assaulted. If a random stranger came up to you in the street and poked you in the face it pushed you they would be arrested. Same applies to him

Just this: your son pleaded with you to leave.
If you disregard everything this man has done to you, remember your son pleading to leave.
Your son deserves a decent childhood.

I agree with all the other posters.
Anytime you have a wobble, remember your DS saying "today my dreams come true" and then you will remember you made the right decision. You can do this and come out the other side, but it's fine to feel sad/confused/grief etc until you get there x

This man doesn't love you, he's abused, bullied and tormented you. This abuse became your normal life but it was anything but normal. Your son has seen this. Everything he says is lies because he's lost control and he may also be worried about being prosecuted or jailed for his abuse of you. You are in control now and can forge your own destiny. Things are hard now but every day is a step closer to a happy future for your family. Take all the help you are offered to eradicate this man from your life. You have a new baby to look forward too, your new life will be full of freedom. Imagine your future full of happy times with new friends, chatting to other mums at toddler groups or in the school playground. Days out in school holidays with your sister and her children or with new friends, days in the park, laughing and enjoying life. A new home a fresh start. All the normal things mums do. This will be you in the future, focus on all the good things to come. This is a fresh start for you and your children. You have lots of support from your wonderful family. Allow yourself time to heal let your family care for and help you. You're doing brilliantly x

@Fedupofitnow123 I have no experience of what you have been through and continue to go through and no advice to give. however I am in awe of you. From what you described you were in hell and have found the courage to climb out. You are amazing and your son and unborn baby are so lucky to have you as their mum.

Remember - You are braver than you believe, stronger than you feel and wiser than you think. You have the strength of an elephant and the courage of a lion.

you are at the start of the rest of your life - you have been through so much you are probably in shock which is why you are feeling so rubbish. Be gentle on yourself. Do what you can.

You are amazing. Your son will always remember that he asked you to save you both and you did, and your baby will never have to know that life.

Just remember that in the difficult times. To use a phrase I heard once... Don't look back. You're not going that way.

So glad you got out - you've given your son the gift of a better present and a better future, and never forget that.

It's natural to have a wobble and remember some good times you had - write down a list of all the horrible things he did and re-read it whenever you're tempted to feel sorry for him and that things might be different. They won't be. This is who he is.

Look after yourself. It's okay to grieve. Like Going on a Bear Hunt, you can't go under it, you can't go over it, you have to go through it.

Thank god you got out, you strong, brave amazing lady. X

You don't have to do anything at the moment. Rest, sleep, eat, accept the help and love being offered. You will slowly start to heal. Give yourself time.

On a practical note, you can set up a PO Box for your post if you're worried about him finding out where you are:

https://www.royalmail.com/personal/receiving-mail/po-box?PSID=GooglePPC&cid=POOQ11920SMM7170000003616375158700004059373137&gclsrc=aw.ds&&gclid=EAIaIQobChMImLGaatfa5QIVA7DtCh2Yqgn8EAAYAiAAEgJPPD_BwE

Just sending positive thoughts your way op! Hope you're coping ok.

You're amazing. Well done.

It will take time to adjust and you may be in shock after all you have been through.

Stay strong

Thank you every one, the morning was a real struggle and it was hard to pull myself together, thankfully the midwife has said she'll keep a close eye on me as physically I'm low risk, but mentally I'm high risk.

I did go Christmas shopping today, half way through I was able to lift myself up after getting some new jeans lol.

I've contacted the landlord today and gave my 30 days notice, exdp had told him we were having problems. Landlord said exdp had said he was going to sort the rent, but then asked me to pay him some money until I reminded him he'd just said exdp will be paying.

Thank you for the post box recommendation, will look into that.

I have started a notebook, but I find writing in it really exhausting, I've covered 11 pages of A5 in an hour and haven't even touched the surface.

Thank you so much for your support, you all remind me of why I left, but in the night it is so hard, I loved this man, I thought we were good, I'd planned a life, but it's all no more, and I have to adjust.

He lied to you from the start
He's not going to change well done op for saying no more

LSD use decades ago or whatever doesn't make someone an abusive twat. I'm not a fan of drugs, but that's bollox.

As the others said, remember your son saying this is his 'dreams come true.' That is incredibly moving! He' seems an emotive boy, and to be with your now ex is the worst possible thing for him- or anyone. Stay strong please- don't believe the bollox. xxx