Dp and Ds 8th birthday yesterday.

[Fedupofitnow123]

It was ds's birthday yesterday, on Friday I went and got his gifts while doing the weekly shop, Saturday went into town to get his cake twice! as Ds was with me and decided on one that needed to be made so we collected later in the evening.

DP had promised DS to go to softplay on Sunday (his birthday), Sunday comes around and I'm finding DS something to wear and say about "when we come back...." and DP shouts through, "We're not going" I ignored it...

Next I'm in the kitchen and DP comes in "We don't really have to go do we?" I said yes as DS has been looking forward to it and he promised DS.

The DP comes up with a genius plan wherby we invite some of DS friends (a family 5 minutes walk away) and then DP can stay at home, so I agree, I know if he comes now he'll be extremely moody and ruin it. This has happened before with a planned bike ride, DP promised it, didn't want to go on the actual day (as always) and then had a MASSIVE tantrum, he refused to talk to me for the entire bike ride.

So I agreed, I phoned my friend and she said they'd love to go. The plan was to go to her house, then to lidl and catch the bus together.
When I got to her house she wasn't ready, ended up making all the kids lunch and we left after 2 hours. Got to softplay, left softplay and then my oyster wasn't working so we all walked home.

It took a bit longer than expected and we reached home at 5pm. I asked DP if he had started the roast dinner (DS requested birthday meal) and he said no, later adding "Why should I slave around in the kitchen while you and DS have a day out" (I'd already prepared it all in the morning, he just needed to turn it on) Before we left for softplay, he had told DS that he wasn't going as he was going to the shop to buy DS his gifts (Lie as I'd already got and wrapped them). When we came back DP had got the gifts and the cake and set them up nicely. It was lovely. DS was excited as only asked for 1 toy but got 3. All the way through DS was saying "Thanks dad, thanks dad for the gifts" DP said nothing.

I was cooking the meal and asked DP to make fresh gravy (I am rubbish at it) He did and said you can make gravy from water or milk, I made a comment that from milk sounds disgusting, he gave me an absolutely filthy look and started having a go saying I never try new foods, (not true). The led on to I always finish what he is saying and I'm obviously not interested onto how I am not "here" in my head, and always floating away somewhere. (Because he'd made me cry and I wasn't completely over everything instantly) At one point he even said "That's what happened, accept it", he told me how I behave and then when I disagreed he later said that "we had agreed that I was behaving in such a way" I asked him to stop numerous times as it was DS's birthday.

He wouldn't. He then had a go at me for taking DS out with another family on his birthday, and when I said "Maybe you should have come then!" He flew off the handle saying I had said he was a bad dad! He would not stop shouting, I tried to DS's cake, asked him if he wanted to sing "happy birthday" with us, he accused me of asking him if he wants to have cake with us, thus calling him a bad dad again. No amount of "I never said that" mattered. I relented, cut DS his cake, apologised to him and we tried to play xbox while DP was still going on.

He eventually stopped, and then never spoke to me at all for the rest of the evening (so from 8pm onwards) Went to bed alone (unusual for us) Refused to touch me in the night.

Then today, he sends me a message saying "we had to buy ds presents on credit" as if that's an excuse.

I am utterly fed up of this now. I did so much yet it still wasn't enough. He tried to hug me this morning (after he came back from work because it was cold) and I'm just sick of it. AIBU in any of this?

Give notice to the landlord

If it’s in your name, he’ll trash house or stop paying and it’s your name he’ll blacken.

You've done amazingly!

I'm not surprised you are starting to feel ill, it is likely because your mind has taking a hammering, and now you are slowly letting yourself relax. The mind can manifest with physical symptoms. Be kind to yourself and rest where possible, let your family help you.

Re the rental, you can't do anything more than be honest with your landlord. You don't need to tell them the ins and outs, explain the relationship has broken down and you were unable to remain in the property so wish to give notice. Advise your ex is still there and provide his contact details so they can give him fair warning. I would try and keep details scant but if you need to, explain that you cannot contact him and whilst he is not deemed dangerous to any third party the police have advised you have no contact. How much notice does your tenenacy agreement require you to give?

@Fedupofitnow123
Contact the landlord and tell them that you’ve had to flee domestic violence and wish to end the tenancy with immediate effect (though you may need to pay your months notice) The flat should be vacant but your abusive partner may still be there. The landlord will need to go round with the police. To check everything.

Just read the whole thread and so relieved you and ds are safe and with family. It will take a while to get him out of your head but you will do it. You are amazing.

You need your friend on side, so I would tell your friend and your friend of friend landlord what has happened immediately.

However, it may be worth a call to Shelter first, or the charity may be able to advise you. If you will be looking for LA / HA housing, talk to them about any implications and whether making yourself ‘intentionally homeless ‘ counts when fleeing DV.

This is why it is SO important to have reported coercive control, abuse and DV to the police so that there is an official record.

I second calling shelter etc for advice, because I’m sure as hell could bet he’ll destroy the place just to get vengeance (Hence why it’s important that you have everything on record.

IMO, I would tell this friend the partial truth (why hide it..?).

Tell them (after advice from the above) Just to let you know, that l have left after DV and the police etc are involved. I will not be returning to the property as l have been told to block him on SM/Phone/email because of concerns for my welfare. Here are his contact details.

england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/homelessness/rules/intentionally_homeless

As a PP pointed out, your police report is important for many reasons. Fleeing domestic abuse takes you outside of intentional homelessness.

Advice if you have had to leave because of domestic abuse
england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/homelessness/your_situation/domestic_abuse

Just wanted to wish you well, you've done so well to remove yourself and your ds from this situation, very well done.

I'd just add, because I read a thread on here recently about it, that any businesses etc that do have your new address or contact details (think bank, phone company etc) are very clear that under no circumstances are they to write to you at your old address. It was a bank had given new address in correspondence to old address and it caused the poor lady quite some trouble.

Good luck with everything

If he isn’t the tenant he will have few rights to be in the property.

When was the lease entered into?

Assured Shorthold Tenancies give tenants a fixed period usu. 6 or 12 months. After that it becomes a periodic tenancy that runs from one rent payment to the next. Normally, all you need to do is give one month’s notice.

Check with Shelter and then speak to the Landlord.

Just want to reassure you that I also escaped my house & was sole leaseholder. He smashed up the house. I lost my bond but due to the police report it was proven I was not at the property at the time. So I did not go on the bad tenants register (in Australia here so laws do differ)

Just mean it’s only money ok - you being in a warm, safe & loving environment with family to support now is the best thing for you. Everything else WILL work itself out. It’s not that bad. It will be ok. People live with massive debt to service hanging over their heads. This rent issue will resolve so don’t worry about it. If you get anxious focus on how nice your immediate surroundings are.

It is totally normal to crash after this emotional upheaval. I’m so proud of you for escaping, he sounds like a truly horrid individual.

Well done for getting out

You're still young and have chance to start over, even if it seems scary now, you will have a bright future. Just keep going and don't look back.

OP, if you are happy living bee family is there anything for you to go back to London for? Stay near your family and you’ll make new friends if you can do your job there too. Your son will enjoy going to school. That’s huge for him as well and part of the control he had over you to stop you socialising with other mums.

He’s sending those emails as he knows what he has done is enough to get him jail time. He is trying to get you to down play his abuse to the police. Also if he gets you back to continue to abuse and make his life easier then it’s a win win for him.

LOL @ LSD supposedly causing you to become an Abusive, miserable twat. Didn’t they use it in the 70s as an experimental cure for depression ? They really will scrape the bottom of the barrel to excuse their ugly behaviour away !

Keep strong op. Don't be sucked in to his bullshit excuses. He will be trotting out every line in the book now.
Bloody LSD, what a dick. I took loads and he's chatting shit.
One of the best bits about your new life should be that you don't have to put up with his crap taking up all your mental time and energy.
Try not to give him any headspace. Use all of that for positive things. Like how your going to live your new life, however you want.
I couldn't even tell you what I enjoyed doing for myself when I first left my ex. Didn't know when what kind of tv I liked to watch!
Get all the support you can and every time you remember something about him that pisses you off use it to spur you on.

When I was the leaseholder on an apartment I notified the landlord I had to go without notice. They closed off the lease with me to the end of the month and offered ex a new lease from that point on or if he didn't want to sign the new lease he could move out.

I know you said you blocked him but you may want to look into receiving the texts/ emails and filtering them into a folder somewhere - they may be useful as evidence later if he decides he wants access to DS and you need to demonstrate why he should not be unsupervised with him. I'm sure they're the last thing that you want to read right now.

4am and I'm awake, it was a particularly hard day yesterday. Had to have the anti d injection just in case, so a sore arm, he set up an account so he could contact me through work, telling me he loves me, wants to see ds, has been to the doctor and now has tablets that make him sick, considering he wasn't even registered with the GP that was fast! Asking me to give our family one last try because we're having a baby, and that he's spoken to the landlord and told him everything! Wondering what he could have told the landlord but I will contact the landlord later and find out.

I felt so sick last night and now I'm awake after just 4 hours sleep, my head is not good at the moment, I feel confused, sick and really really sad and I cry really really easily. I'm crying writing this again, just not in a good place :(

Oh, fedup, so sorry.

This is hard.

And having a cold is grim for you.

Hang on in there and let your DSis look after you. Apart from anything else you must be emotionally exhausted.

As for the rest: it really is a script. He hasn’t suddenly changed. And you are ground down and vulnerable right now.

If he had changed he would understand that you would need time , space, a year’s worth of proof...

Oh so sorry you're feeling so rubbish in so many ways.

This will get better. Keep telling yourself that. You won't always feel this way. And him creating another email account to contact you is further control. Him not saying "I'm sorry, I've been an awful person and I know you need space and I don't care how long it takes I'll show you I've changed" shows this is still all about him, what HE wants and how it looks on HIM that you have left. And how HE has lost control.

It will not be like this forever. You are amazing. Don't you forget that.

Thank you, one thing he said in the emails was "take as long as you want", I don't want to go back, he wore me down so much, called me an idiot, told me to shut up when I was talking, told me not to bother talking unless I had anything interesting and unique to say, then would have a go at me because I never spoke. I'm so so sad right now, my BIL wants to go Christmas shopping, I want to sit under a blanket and cry :(

Oh Fedup, I wish i could say something to make it easier.

It is a journey that you are on now, you have taken the first step which was hard. But things won't be perfect straight away, you are going to have days when you just need to get through hour to hour. But in the end it will be so worth it. This time next year you WILL look back from a much better place. I know it seems an age away, but each day getting is that step closer.

His emails are just to prompt a response. Can you put a rule on your email including a keyword that he would use so it goes straight to junk mail. Not a sure fire fix if hes creating new accounts, but maybe it will catch a few so you dont have to face them.

You dont have to go shopping. I think perhaps your bil is thinking it may be good to get you out the house to take your mind off things.

Can you pop to a pharmacy or visit a gp and pick up something that will help you to sleep at night. Its hard dealing with things, but to deal with when you havent slept. I am sure not what you can and cant take while pregnant so maybe a trip to the gp isnt a bad idea.

But just want to say, good for you OP. You will look back on this, look its no walk in the park, but you are free now but you need to remember all the shit when you do get to read his snivelling emails.

Oh, of course the tablets make him sick. Its the script. Next he will have something way worse. He isnt sick. He probably didnt even go to the doctor.

Keep posting OP. A lot have been through similar so we do understand. We have come through it and so do know what you are going through. You will get through it too.

When I escaped my abusive relationship this year, I was still on this board bleating about how Weird it was I still felt love, loss, grief. Shouldn’t I feel happy & empowered? Wanted to sleep for a year, not face the world...had a big depression crash after settled into the refuge. However - now I can say that was not true. It wasn’t love & it was me mourning a loss of the potential future we had, how stupid I felt & how he made me feel wonderful when he wasn’t being abusive. It’s a cycle. I would strongly recommend you read WHY DOES HE DO THAT by Lundy Bancroft- free pdf versions of the book are available online if you google it.

Practice self care & take all the time you need to recover & rebuild yourself. You have changed your surroundings, routine, whole life in a whirlwind. Be kind to yourself & allow yourself the space to settle into your new routine. It takes time xo

I have just read your thread and firstly can I just say how brave you are, you really are an inspiration! You will have wobbles and cry but stay strong and know you have done the hardest part, you have done the best for your DS, you are strong, you are brave, you are amazing absolutely incredible, I don't know you yet I could t be more proud if you! Sending all the love and hugs your way xxxxx

Good luck OP, you've been amazingly brave. It's very hard now but I promise you this is the best thing you could have done. Wishing you all the very best xx

Isn’t it amazing how quickly he has realised the error of his ways, got medical help etc. You have rightly noted the pervading whiff of bullshit.

It was controlling and intrusive to contact you via your work email. How dare he! Don’t respond and just put any other emails from that address into a folder and get someone from your family to check them.

Your emotions will be all over the place for a while. You have some distance from your relationship now. You are going to be sad about what “should have been” for you and your DS. You will feel guilt because you have had years of putting everyone’s feelings before yours so you will still think about the impact on other people. A some point the anger might start. This is all part of processing your experiences, it’s normal.

For the first time in years you can just feel your feelings without someone else trying to gaslight you into thinking your feelings don’t matter or are wrong.