Dp and Ds 8th birthday yesterday.

[Fedupofitnow123]

It was ds's birthday yesterday, on Friday I went and got his gifts while doing the weekly shop, Saturday went into town to get his cake twice! as Ds was with me and decided on one that needed to be made so we collected later in the evening.

DP had promised DS to go to softplay on Sunday (his birthday), Sunday comes around and I'm finding DS something to wear and say about "when we come back...." and DP shouts through, "We're not going" I ignored it...

Next I'm in the kitchen and DP comes in "We don't really have to go do we?" I said yes as DS has been looking forward to it and he promised DS.

The DP comes up with a genius plan wherby we invite some of DS friends (a family 5 minutes walk away) and then DP can stay at home, so I agree, I know if he comes now he'll be extremely moody and ruin it. This has happened before with a planned bike ride, DP promised it, didn't want to go on the actual day (as always) and then had a MASSIVE tantrum, he refused to talk to me for the entire bike ride.

So I agreed, I phoned my friend and she said they'd love to go. The plan was to go to her house, then to lidl and catch the bus together.
When I got to her house she wasn't ready, ended up making all the kids lunch and we left after 2 hours. Got to softplay, left softplay and then my oyster wasn't working so we all walked home.

It took a bit longer than expected and we reached home at 5pm. I asked DP if he had started the roast dinner (DS requested birthday meal) and he said no, later adding "Why should I slave around in the kitchen while you and DS have a day out" (I'd already prepared it all in the morning, he just needed to turn it on) Before we left for softplay, he had told DS that he wasn't going as he was going to the shop to buy DS his gifts (Lie as I'd already got and wrapped them). When we came back DP had got the gifts and the cake and set them up nicely. It was lovely. DS was excited as only asked for 1 toy but got 3. All the way through DS was saying "Thanks dad, thanks dad for the gifts" DP said nothing.

I was cooking the meal and asked DP to make fresh gravy (I am rubbish at it) He did and said you can make gravy from water or milk, I made a comment that from milk sounds disgusting, he gave me an absolutely filthy look and started having a go saying I never try new foods, (not true). The led on to I always finish what he is saying and I'm obviously not interested onto how I am not "here" in my head, and always floating away somewhere. (Because he'd made me cry and I wasn't completely over everything instantly) At one point he even said "That's what happened, accept it", he told me how I behave and then when I disagreed he later said that "we had agreed that I was behaving in such a way" I asked him to stop numerous times as it was DS's birthday.

He wouldn't. He then had a go at me for taking DS out with another family on his birthday, and when I said "Maybe you should have come then!" He flew off the handle saying I had said he was a bad dad! He would not stop shouting, I tried to DS's cake, asked him if he wanted to sing "happy birthday" with us, he accused me of asking him if he wants to have cake with us, thus calling him a bad dad again. No amount of "I never said that" mattered. I relented, cut DS his cake, apologised to him and we tried to play xbox while DP was still going on.

He eventually stopped, and then never spoke to me at all for the rest of the evening (so from 8pm onwards) Went to bed alone (unusual for us) Refused to touch me in the night.

Then today, he sends me a message saying "we had to buy ds presents on credit" as if that's an excuse.

I am utterly fed up of this now. I did so much yet it still wasn't enough. He tried to hug me this morning (after he came back from work because it was cold) and I'm just sick of it. AIBU in any of this?

Thank you! The adrenaline is gone I think? Though I'm not sure, @ToxicCat is just ringing the phone company to cancel his phone as it is in my name and the Internet, this is making me feel really anxious so I'm here, posting, I just feel scared. Really scared, I know how angry he can get, even though I'm not there I'm scared. Today he has no bank card, no money (until I send the cheque) no phone and no Internet. I'm so scared.

You've done so well. If he knows where your family live it may be worth ringing the police again and explain how scared you are or get your sister to ring on your behalf. Don't post anything to him as he will be able to see on the envelope what area it was posted in. Talk to the charity you mentioned tomorrow (or today if phone lines are open still ) as they will be able to advise you (as will the police) on how to deal with everything and stay safe. You've done brilliantly so far and your family sound amazing. Things will get better for you, you've been through an awful time but the next few days will probably be a roller coaster of emotions and then things will settle. Good luck with everything x

The bank have very kindly offered to send the cheque so that it will have a London stamp on it. He has sent emails detailing the effects taking LSD has on the brain, as some kind of excuse maybe, begging me not to tell anyone.

Stay strong Fedup, you've done so bloody well and it's absolutely natural to still feel so scared of your partner. He's controlled, threatened and bullied you for so long that it will take a while for you not to feel that way. It's ok. Talk to your family, post on here, keep talking. And keep going.

It doesn’t matter why he did it. What matters is that he behaved deliberately abusively for years. Do you think, for one minute, he would be worried if you were without money or a phone. He wouldn’t probably be happy at the thought of you struggling.

Any problems he is facing are a direct consequence of how he chose to treat you.

He would probably

What do you mean by the lsd comment? Has he been taking drugs (sorry if I kissed something)

Missed!

So, so happy for you @Fedupofitnow123. You have made such a strong and admirable decision.
It is so lovely to read all the supportive messages on here from all the Mumsnetters - what a fantastic community we have here!

OMG at anyone using LSD use as an attempt at mitigating circumstance

Don’t engage with him, OP, he will go through the whole script: contrition, self pity and moving quickly to blame and attack.

No conversation is worth having, you're Out, you don’t have to justify yourself or make him validate your reasons - he never will.

So don’t even reply to his messages in your head, if you can help it. You know, that thing where in your head you’re having the whole conversation and ‘and another thing...’. Just blank him and his messages.

Work with the police and the charity. Tell them about anything he does and says now.

You may we’ll have days when you wonder if you have done the right thing and are tempted to ‘have another try’. Tell yourself that if in a year you still feel the same and he has transformed/ sought effective help for his behaviour it is an option, in a year.

Your Ds may well have moments of missing his Dad. Tell him of course he does, he is is Dad, and once things are sorted out, not yet, he will have contact. But that for now you had to leave because it isn’t right to live with someone who shouts at you and makes you miserable so you had to make the decision to leave and even when you feel sad you know it was the right decision. Don’t let him feel he was responsible for the break up and leaving.

One day at a time .... so good that you got out.

Don't feel guilty about the money and phone. He's caused all of this not you. All you are doing is getting your control back and protecting yourself and your children, there's no guilt in that.

Plus, he's getting a taste of his own medicine and I bet he doesn't like it. The email about LSD is him trying to shift the blame, that he couldn't help it, which is utter bullshit, if he knew he was out of control he would have got help, but he didn't. It's all on him.

He took LSD when he was younger. He has also emailed saying he'll go to the doctor too. That I can go with him. @ToxicCat printed them. Thank you everyone, this is a great place to come when it gets tough

So instead of admitting his abusive behaviour, he’s giving pathetic excuses. Please don’t fall for them!

This is part of the script. It’s not my fault... I’ll change...

Bollocks!

Why didn’t he seek help when you were there if he cared so much.

It’s about control. He will say anything to get control of the situation and of you. You have the Lundy Bancroft book, there is a story in there of a bloke that was saying all the right things, looked like he had learnt, right up to the point when he attacked his partner because he didn’t like something she did.

It’s still all about him isn’t it. I bet he hasn’t really made any attempt to acknowledge what you and your DS went through. He doesn’t care. You are bit part players and he is the star of the show.

Don’t engage and don’t give him space in your head.

To everyone,

I need to email copies to the police of the emails and they will have it all on file then, shes getting back her life, I've seen her more herself right up until those messages and she sunk slowly back into herself until my dp came home and cheered her up, we are taking her to get herself some tops that she wants so it's not the work tops all the time, admittedly we will be going to charity shops as we are tightening our belts to ensure we can help her through the next month or so for the start. Thank you all for the support for my sister it means so much

Also at least this points to the fact that he obviously knew his behaviour was disgusting. He hasn’t emailed asked what the hell is going on and why you’d left, he’s emailed basically saying he’s fucked up from drugs and he needs help. A pity it’s taken his wife and child leaving after he’s destroyed them to even contemplate his behaviour

Oh what a load of bollocks trying to use taking LSD as an excuse. Everyone I know took plenty of LSD back in the day and it certainly never made any of us violent. Don't believe his bullshit!

He's lost control, and will say and do anything to gain that control back.. this is a dangerous time OP, please be careful.

Indeed: no sign of this epiphany when you have been crying, when he has been jabbing you in the face, oh no, all your fault then. But you leave and all of a sudden he realises he has been doing it all wrong....but through no fault of his own. Pathetic! And it will last no more than a day or two before he starts in threats again.

Have none of it, be resolute.

Loads of people took LSD when they were younger. I don't know any who turned into abusers as a result. He's talking shit OP and as PPs said clearly knows just how horrendous he has been to you all along, just hasn't cared.

@Fedupofitnow123 and @ToxicCat

He is following the abusers script. He’ll probably claim a major health scare/suicide and when that doesn’t work he’ll start getting angry. He’s trying to regain control. Please call WA, rights of women and the charity for advice and counselling. They can give you additional support etc.

Also, Is there anyway that his emails could go into a junk folder, so that it doesn’t instantly pop up and cause anxiety?

I would also (if you haven’t already), begin to organise tax credits and child benefit; so at the very least @Fedupofitnow123 you’ll get some money to support you and DS.

Another thought, will he likely turn up at your sisters? It’s important that the police be told this and l would call them straight away if he does.

He doesn't know where any of my family live fortunately, he could never be bothered to actually come with me when I came back home. He's blocked everywhere now so can't make any more contact. Since I've left I've started to become ill with a cold, feeling rough this morning with lots to do. Booking in appointment with the midwife today, my nan has some wardrobes we're going to store for when I have a home, the house is in my name from London, what do people advice with regards to this, it says on the tenancy that I can live there and only allow my exdp and son to live there, but I was the only one who signed it.

Is it a private rental? It Council / HA?

Private rent, through a friends friend

@BlouseAndSkirt