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Original poster

Jealous of DH's friend

64 replies

Gtp78 · 27/10/2019 12:39

DH told me he had a meeting in London next week but was acting a strange and was cagey about it. This made me check his phone. He's going to a meeting but at lunch he's going quite a bit out of his way to meet up with a friend so they can catch up. I'm feeling jealous because he is making such a big effort to see this woman and in the 2 YEARS since we've have our DC we have NEVER been on a date night or even gone out for lunch on our own. He said he knows of a lovely little pub nearby that they can go to but when I've suggested anything he just says "yeah, whatever" and it doesn't happen unless I make all of the effort and organise when, where and childcare. I'm annoyed everything like this falls to me. I'm jealous of the effort he's going to to see her and the fact that she gets to have a lovely lunch alone with my husband and I don't get to and haven't done in over 2 years. I know it's petty but I can't help feeing like this. I think he hasn't mentioned it because he knows I'll say "what about time with me?" And he won't want an argument about it. I don't feel like we are husband and wife anymore. We don't have sex unless I initiate it. I just feel like I'm good for only one thing...being mum and I'm not worth making any effort for because I'm just there. I could try to suggest a night out again but I know he won't even look at his diary to try and plan anything unless I nag him and I'm beyond wanting to keep pestering him to spend time with me. I don't know what I'm expecting from posting. I think I just need to vent as I don't have anyone IRL to talk to about it. I think I'm just going to have to talk to him about how down I'm feeling at the moment and hope things can change.

OP posts:
MMadness · 27/10/2019 12:44

Fuck that. He's hiding it? Why? The fuck I'd let that go. In fact, I'd show up. His reaction to that will tell you all you need to know.

Spied · 27/10/2019 12:50

I'd have to tell him I know of his plans.
If he hadn't of been acting strangely you wouldn't have to look through his phone.
I'd be very suspicious.

EileenAlanna · 27/10/2019 12:58

I don't know how practical it would be for you but if he was mine I'd say nothing then turn up at the lunch. I'd be very clear that it's the only way you've been able to sit with your husband somewhere nice away from the DC in 2 years, pity he couldn't show a bit of consideration for me but fuck it, if all I could get were a few crumbs from her table then so be it. Tell her to just carry on & act like you don't exist because you're used to that from him.

fairydustandpixies · 27/10/2019 13:05

^^ that!!!

Greenkit · 27/10/2019 13:22

think this relationship is dead in the water

Tell him you know and you don't expect him to come back...

DBML · 27/10/2019 13:24

It is a rather funny thought to imagine walking in a few minutes after them and then apologise for being a bit late.

In all seriousness though, who is this fried to him? Is it an old friend that you’ve always known about? In which case, it’s probably not too abnormal to make a bit more effort than you would ‘at home’ - even if that’s not fair.
Or is she someone who you are more suspicious of? As far as his intentions are concerned?

Whatever, you do need a discussion with your husband as he’s taking you for granted and it’s not fair. Life with kids gets boring...that’s reality. Everyone needs to be making an effort. Good luck.

Jennifer2r · 27/10/2019 13:40

Gosh no wonder this hurts. The words lovely little pub are a sting aren't they, if at home you're met with indifference. It's nice to feel cherished and special and loved by your husband.

nomoreclue · 27/10/2019 13:49

I don’t think it’s at all petty and the fact you think you might be being petty probably explains why he treats you the way he does. I’d be livid. I have very firm boundaries about this type of thing. It’s a big fat NO. I come first over and above other women and I expect that to be respected. If I hadn’t been taken out for dinner in 2 YEARS!! andhe was organising a pub lunch with another woman that he hadn’t even told me about WTF!?! No no no. I’d pack a bag for him and tell him he can fuck off, he’ll be getting papers from my solicitor and he can contact me when he’s sorted his fucking shit out. You get treated how you allow yourself to be treated OP. Where’s the fire in your belly? He’s treating you like shit. Do not stand for it. If he doesn’t want to treat you well, there are 60 million people in this country so there’ll be some other lucky bloke who does want to treat you well. Funny how he’s all proactive about pub lunch when it’s another woman? Fuck that shit. Life’s too short to put up with shitty coffee, shitty friends and shitty men.

babba2014 · 27/10/2019 13:49

Yes to the pp who said turn up and just sir casually. After all you are his wife! So no one should be bothered about it. The kids can come too.

nomoreclue · 27/10/2019 13:49

Sometimes you have to take a stand. Be counted. This is that time for you

dontgobaconmyheart · 27/10/2019 14:02

Have you asked him why he is going desperately out his way to arrange lunch at a 'lovely little pub' with this woman OP, when he hasn't bothered with you in some time? Why let him have the secret in this scenario; I'd just have told him I think he's looking a bit desperate and find it odd that he is clearly more excited to socialise with someone who isn't me, and clearly we have something we need to discuss.

Tell him you know OP, don't let him have it secret so he can enjoy it. The relationship sounds like it's reached a pretty low point- do you actually want to be in it and does he? I think you need to have some conversations.

Surely he must be speaking to her a fair bit generally if they are meeting for lunch. Are you sure he even has a meeting or is that also a lie as excuse to meet her? Who is she to him OP, have they been friends years or what?

NormaLouiseBates · 27/10/2019 14:05

Christ, no it's not petty at all. He is taking the piss out of you. Do you know this friend?

gwackywacky · 27/10/2019 14:18

YANBU.

Tell him you dont feel valued yet he clearly values other women. Tell him you would like to separate and see what he says

Original poster
Gtp78 · 27/10/2019 15:52

To those asking who she is...she's an old work colleague he knew from before we met. She moved companies when she sold her house and moved to a different area. He hasn't spoken to her in a few years and I've never met her. I think he's mentioned her once or twice in the past. Nothing to say they're really good friends that need a good catch up. This meeting has come out of the blue due to him contacting her saying they need to catch up and he'd rather meet her for lunch rather than just a coffee. There was nothing in the messages to suggest they were intimate though.

OP posts:
user1479305498 · 27/10/2019 16:50

WAit and see if he says anything on the day like ‘don’t bother with dinner for me as meeting xxx for lunch’ . If he says nothing, call in afternoon and ask if he needs dinner that night and see what he says. If he says bugger all, he’s a sneaky shit

rainbowlou · 27/10/2019 19:30

This is so hurtful, I’m sorry you’re going through this Flowers
I wonder what his reaction would be if you suggested finding a babysitter so you could accompany him?

ShitOnIt78 · 27/10/2019 19:33

I'm another who would turn up!

Mrsmummy90 · 27/10/2019 19:37

I agree, you should turn up!

chuffoff · 27/10/2019 19:40

I'd give him the opportunity to admit to his plans. You could say something along the lines of "you seemed a bit uncomfortable and cagey when you mentioned you were going into London next week, is there anything you need to tell me or that I should be worried about?" See what his reaction is.

ISmellBabies · 27/10/2019 19:42

He's arranged a date with someone else, that's why he was acting so shifty. Are you not pissed off about it op?

HundredMilesAnHour · 27/10/2019 19:52

I don't think there's anything wrong with him meeting an old colleague for lunch, and making an effort with the arrangements. It sounds like they used to be close and I'm sure he's looking forward to seeing her. The fact that she's female should be irrelevant here. OP has already said that there's no flirting etc, nothing going on here.

The real problem is that the OP's DH doesn't appear to have any interest in spending quality time with the OP. Giving him a hard time about having lunch with an ex-colleague won't change this so let the lunch be. And for heaven's sake don't go gate-crashing it unless you really want to ruin your relationship and come across as a complete psycho. Some people on MN give such bad advice!

Instead the OP needs to find a way of having a conversation with her DH about their own relationship and try and work out together what's not working and how they can make things better. Or maybe the DH is done and their marriage is over.

Original poster
Gtp78 · 27/10/2019 22:45

I wouldn't just turn up as much as I would love to just to see the look on his face. My plan at the moment is to not say anything yet. He's told me his fake plans for that day and I'll ask him about it when he gets home so he can't lie again later on. I can almost guarantee that he'll foot the bill for their lunch so my plan is to check the statements because the pub should be listed on there. I'm going to tell him that someone must have cloned his card when he had lunch in London and used it somewhere else at the same time. I'm going to make him panic when I say I'll phone the bank to report it to the fraud squad to investigate and to refund the money. According to his version of events he can prove he was in London can't he! (Just to clarify, I won't actually report it since the transaction would be genuine).

I was hoping he was going to tell me the truth when he brought it up earlier today but he just fed me a load of lies.

I've told him we don't have a relationship anymore and it's not much of a marriage. We need to have a date night and start making an effort for each other. His response was he was completely against hiring a baby sitter because he doesn't want a stranger in the house. Just another excuse.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 27/10/2019 22:50

Urgh

I wonder if he is hoping to start a relationship with this woman, she may be completely oblivious of course! She could be a fantasy of his?

PixieDustt · 27/10/2019 23:06

He is an utter arse and agree with PP about wanting to start a relationship.

His response was he was completely against hiring a baby sitter because he doesn't want a stranger in the house
Not the fact he doesn't want a stranger looking after his children, just doesn't want them in the house.

Tbh OP how horrible this sounds he doesn't want to spend time with you and that's really shitty.
You seem very calm, I'd be raging by now.

DBML · 28/10/2019 01:59

If she’s just a friend there’s no need to lie.

Why play games op? You know he’s lying/going to lie to you.

Just tell him that whilst he’s meeting this other woman at the lovely little pub, you’ll be popping along to the solicitor to make sure you get your fair share of the house and finances.
I can tell you now, he’ll not be looking forward to that date quite as much.

Stand up for yourself.

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