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Original poster

Jealous of DH's friend

64 replies

Gtp78 · 27/10/2019 12:39

DH told me he had a meeting in London next week but was acting a strange and was cagey about it. This made me check his phone. He's going to a meeting but at lunch he's going quite a bit out of his way to meet up with a friend so they can catch up. I'm feeling jealous because he is making such a big effort to see this woman and in the 2 YEARS since we've have our DC we have NEVER been on a date night or even gone out for lunch on our own. He said he knows of a lovely little pub nearby that they can go to but when I've suggested anything he just says "yeah, whatever" and it doesn't happen unless I make all of the effort and organise when, where and childcare. I'm annoyed everything like this falls to me. I'm jealous of the effort he's going to to see her and the fact that she gets to have a lovely lunch alone with my husband and I don't get to and haven't done in over 2 years. I know it's petty but I can't help feeing like this. I think he hasn't mentioned it because he knows I'll say "what about time with me?" And he won't want an argument about it. I don't feel like we are husband and wife anymore. We don't have sex unless I initiate it. I just feel like I'm good for only one thing...being mum and I'm not worth making any effort for because I'm just there. I could try to suggest a night out again but I know he won't even look at his diary to try and plan anything unless I nag him and I'm beyond wanting to keep pestering him to spend time with me. I don't know what I'm expecting from posting. I think I just need to vent as I don't have anyone IRL to talk to about it. I think I'm just going to have to talk to him about how down I'm feeling at the moment and hope things can change.

OP posts:
MsDogLady · 28/10/2019 03:53

You are underreacting.

He has checked out of your marriage. He makes no real effort to connect with or prioritize you. When you expressed your grave concerns, he dismissed your needs and feelings. He shut you down.

He has set up a ‘lovely’ date with this woman and is blatantly lying to you. He is treating you with contempt. Is that not a dealbreaker for you? I would be furious and I would confront him now. In fact, I would tell him to stay gone while I considered my options.

BastardGoDarkly · 28/10/2019 04:03

Oh OP, you seem so used to this really shitty behaviour!?

This is not ok, hes fully taking the piss out of you, dig deep and put a stop to this, he either does a complete 180 in your relationship, or fucks off entirely, you're worth so much more Flowers

wineconnoisseur · 28/10/2019 04:16

I think your plan is a good idea, that way he would have already been and when you act oblivious at first he will happily lie about the meeting!

RantyAnty · 28/10/2019 04:22

I wish you had a male relative he hasn't met or might not remember and show up at the same pub with him!

nedflandereses · 28/10/2019 04:31

He's not interested in your marriage anymore op. Keep going with your plan to catch him out lying, however you already know that he is. I'd get legal advice and consider the relationship done.

Greenkit · 28/10/2019 08:58

When are they meeting up?

chipsandgin · 28/10/2019 09:07

Lying is a dealbreaker for me. To clarify, both DH & have lots of male & female friends & neither of us have any issue with each other spending time with friends regardless of the contents of their underwear...

However - in your situation I’d be livid - I will not tolerate lying & I would challenge him prior to the lunch & explain that (& that it’s not just the deceit, although that alone would do it, but also the fact that you don’t have lunches or any other quality time together & it’s making you question both his morals and your relationship). It’s not on at all. Turn it around maybe, ask how he’d feel if you were lying and keeping secrets?

TheStuffedPenguin · 28/10/2019 09:10

I don't think there's anything wrong with him meeting an old colleague for lunch, and making an effort with the arrangements. It sounds like they used to be close and I'm sure he's looking forward to seeing her. The fact that she's female should be irrelevant here. OP has already said that there's no flirting etc, nothing going on here.

except for the fact that he is LYING about it !

I expect he is feeling in poor stuck Daddy mode a bit and is looking for a little bit of a rush - prick!

misskatamari · 28/10/2019 09:13

I'm sorry OP. His response to your concerns is so telling. I understand your wanting to catch him out/hoping he'll come clean when you pretend you don't know where he's been, but honestly, I think this strategy is just going to end up hurting you. Id be spelling it out to him, that you know what he has planned, you know he lied, and that he is skating on very very thin ice, and going down a path which will end your marriage if he doesn't stop. He needs to get on board and be an equal partner in trying to fix things, and if he won't do that, and won't make an effort, then that tells you all you need to know. You deserve so much more

NormaBean · 28/10/2019 09:25

It’s sounds like he checked out a long time ago. Sorry OP.

Mrsmummy90 · 28/10/2019 10:37

If it was just an innocent meeting with a friend, he wouldn't be lying about it. He's planning on more happening.

EKGEMS · 28/10/2019 11:05

Hundredmilesanhour Your advice is ridiculous he's not having a harmless lunch with an ex colleague he's actively deceived his partner and is spending time with another woman not his wife

BrassTactical · 28/10/2019 11:10

Don’t Dick about with those games. He’s lying and treating you like a housemate.

Clearly doesn’t want to change so I’d say you would be happier off out of it!

sarahjconnor · 28/10/2019 11:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KindOranges · 28/10/2019 11:26

I've been the (entirely innocent) female friend in this scenario. For me, it was just a nice chance to catch up with someone I used to work with and had been very fond of. I'm happily married, and often see old friends of either sex for lunch if I'm in their city, as does DH. I had no idea that my friend had essentially checked out of his marriage because it had been an entirely work-centred friendship, and we lived a long way apart, I'd only met his wife once and had also dropped contact with all his old friends, which meant that making plans to meet me stood out as something deeply unusual, and in his wife's eyes suspicious. She actually phoned me, and once I'd figured out what was actually going on from her side (she was hysterical and throwing around accusations of affairs and hotel rooms, and at the start I had absolutely zero idea what she was on about), I was able to reassure her.

He did in fact ask his wife for a divorce within a year, but it was nothing at all to do with me. In fact, I was horrified -- he just said it out of the blue to her, with no effort to work on the marriage and try to repair things. I made no secret of thinking he was behaving outrageously selfishly.

Which is a long way round of saying, there may not in fact be anything wrong going on here from his old colleague's point of view, but your marriage sounds appalling, OP. Sympathies -- are you prepared to go on living like this?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 28/10/2019 11:34

he was completely against hiring a baby sitter because he doesn't want a stranger in the house

Sorry, but this is total bullshit. He's actively avoiding spending time with you.

Sorry. But I think you need to get your ducks in a row. He's checked out of this relationship and you deserve better.

I don't know why you'd bother with all the fake 'your card has been cloned' bollocks either. I think you need to call him out. He's planning on meeting another woman in secret. None of that is good.

BlastEndedSkrewt · 28/10/2019 11:43

I would be extremely pissed off if he really is hiding it but one of my closest friends & male & i'd think nothing of meeting up with him for lunch just the 2 of us

Herewego93 · 28/10/2019 15:14

You've never met each other he could be lying to this woman as it looks like it's so easy for him to do.
I wouldn't turn up you'll just look crazy if it's far away aswell. She could be totally innocent in all this and just think she's catching up with an old mate.

I think you're original plan is pretty good to be honest. You need to start looking for advice if you think he's checked out and trying to cheat.

ScreamingLadySutch · 28/10/2019 15:48

THIS: " in the 2 YEARS since we've have our DC we have NEVER been on a date night or even gone out for lunch on our own. He said he knows of a lovely little pub nearby that they can go to but when I've suggested anything he just says "yeah, whatever" and it doesn't happen unless I make all of the effort and organise when, where and childcare... I'm jealous of the effort he's going to to see her and the fact that she gets to have a lovely lunch alone with my husband and I don't get to and haven't done in over 2 years."

Mine was over 10. Not even a coffee or a breakfast or going to the cinema. Why do men do this? Why after giving birth does the wife just become 'Mummy' and OW gets all the attention?!

Anyone have an idea?

ScreamingLadySutch · 28/10/2019 15:55

Please take on board what people are saying @Gtp78 about being treated the way you are allowing, and to put your foot down.

I didn't, and OW happened. I think he had cheated a lot before now I look back.

Savingforarainyday · 28/10/2019 16:06

Yep, the lying would seal the ( doomed) fate of the marriage for me.
Sorry OP....

HollowTalk · 28/10/2019 16:10

He's going on a date with another woman. He's checked out of your marriage, OP.

Time to get your ducks in a row. FWIW I think you'd be much happier without him.

Lifeisabeach09 · 28/10/2019 16:12

Why do men do this? Why after giving birth does the wife just become 'Mummy' and OW gets all the attention?!

Because they have you and, as such, do not need not make an effort anymore.

That's my theory.

Hanab · 28/10/2019 16:26

I would make a plan to be in London on the day kid in tow .. he does not want to take you out alone ... take baby with .. but I rather like the idea of joining them for lunch ..

Uponreflection · 28/10/2019 17:39

I wouldn’t let him have his cosy secret date. I would confront him before he goes away.

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