Jealous of DH's friend

[Gtp78]

DH told me he had a meeting in London next week but was acting a strange and was cagey about it. This made me check his phone. He's going to a meeting but at lunch he's going quite a bit out of his way to meet up with a friend so they can catch up. I'm feeling jealous because he is making such a big effort to see this woman and in the 2 YEARS since we've have our DC we have NEVER been on a date night or even gone out for lunch on our own. He said he knows of a lovely little pub nearby that they can go to but when I've suggested anything he just says "yeah, whatever" and it doesn't happen unless I make all of the effort and organise when, where and childcare. I'm annoyed everything like this falls to me. I'm jealous of the effort he's going to to see her and the fact that she gets to have a lovely lunch alone with my husband and I don't get to and haven't done in over 2 years. I know it's petty but I can't help feeing like this. I think he hasn't mentioned it because he knows I'll say "what about time with me?" And he won't want an argument about it. I don't feel like we are husband and wife anymore. We don't have sex unless I initiate it. I just feel like I'm good for only one thing...being mum and I'm not worth making any effort for because I'm just there. I could try to suggest a night out again but I know he won't even look at his diary to try and plan anything unless I nag him and I'm beyond wanting to keep pestering him to spend time with me. I don't know what I'm expecting from posting. I think I just need to vent as I don't have anyone IRL to talk to about it. I think I'm just going to have to talk to him about how down I'm feeling at the moment and hope things can change.

Sounds like he makes no effort for you at all. No way would I accept that.

I think she's innocent in this. I think as others have said she's just meeting an old friend which I don't have a problem with (if he makes the same effort for me). It's the lies he's telling and he must feel so smug that he's gotten away with it. I want to let it happen and carry on with my plan because I want to watch him squirm as I pick apart his lies and he has no choice but to tell me the truth. I don't want to give him the easy way out of telling him I know. I know he will turn it around on me and try to make out that I'm the bad one and trying to control him. He will twist it so that it's my fault he had to lie even though I've never stopped him being friends with any woman. I need to be prepared for that argument.

I'm so glad this community exists. Thank you to everyone that has replied. I was doubting myself and thought I was being petty. You've really shown me how much my self confidence has taken a knock. You are all right that I shouldn't allow him to treat me like this. I think I had accepted that this was normal and it must be my fault.

What if he pays for the lunch in cash though?

OP, what will you do if he pays in cash or with a card whose statement you don’t have access to. What if he changes the venue to a restaurant in London?

If you tackle the lying now, it won’t be easy for him if you impose an effective consequence. If he’s going to shift the blame to you now, surely he will do the same later.

He never has any more than £10 cash on him. His wallet is his phone so he just has that one note just in case. He only has one bank card for his current account. His other accounts are savings accounts that he doesn't have cards for. He uses that one card for everything. I would put money on him using it. If he's that forward thinking and he uses cash then I still have copies of the messages to confront him with. If I let him lie about the lunch, go on it and then lie to me afterwards it means I can hit him with both barrels when the truth comes out and it will one way or another.

So what do you want to get out of it, OP. You will easily be able to prove where he is. He will lie. What will you do then?

I understand. Whatever happens, do not let him get away with manipulating and deflecting the blame by accusing you of being controlling, paranoid, insecure, etc. He is choosing to lie and be secretive, and you are not responsible for his lack of integrity and devious behavior.

You deserve to be treated with love and respect.

You could suggest that you'll take the kids up to London for the day and why don't you all meet for lunch (assuming that this is actually something you would/could do).

I think the lack of communication is a bad sign though. He should have mentioned he was meeting up with her but also you shouldn't have checked his phone. If you want to try and salvage the relationship I'd suggest you have a really honest talk with him about the communication problems and how undervalued you feel.

@ nomoreclue I want to employ you as my life coach 😄!

OP, I would confront him now and tell him, if he doesn’t cancel the lunch, then he can move out.

To the OP, from what you e said he sounds like somewhat of a narcissist (turning things around, deflecting blame, etc etc.).
That's a whole different kettle of fish so confronting him / not letting him get away with a lie is probably not going to get you the result you are hoping for. Do some research on this type of personality trait and it will shed some light as well as arm you with ways to effectively handle those objections and deflections he will no doubt throw your way. Good luck. Very hurtful indeed!!

I agree with you OP. Let him go and see what happens. As you say you've got the messages anyway, regardless of how he pays.
I think your marriage is dead and this will be fuel for you to leave him. I hope so anyway, you deserve better.
He sounds sleazy as well. Sorry you're going through this. You'll be well rid.

In the meantime I would start putting extra effort in to my appearance. Nice clothes, hair, makeup, etc. Be a bit late home a few days so he's home before you. You walk in all in looking all glam. Play him at his own game, make him realise how attractive you are and that if he's not interested others will be. Give him a wake-up call.
It will also do wonders for your confidence.
Don't let him treat you like this. He should love and respect the mother of his child above all others. You deserve that at the very least.

Can you get to a CAB to find out your entitlement to the house, savings, pensions etc and hand divorce papers to him when you untwist his lies? Stay one step ahead. Lookup narcissistic personality disorder too. He's a controlling, lying arse. You can and will do better.

Good luck xx

Hi OP. You’re in similar territory to where me and my stbexh were in. ReadI gotta this thread has reminded me of how much shit I put up with - lying, criticism, being taken for granted, dining out with female colleagues but zero effort into me/us, no affection unless wanting sex; if I’d object he’d then start criticising me; gaslighting. You name it. And there is more too.

Reading this thread has been a useful reminder of why we are now separated. It can be easy to minimise behaviours because you will be so invested in your family and your marriage and you will want things to work.

We did a year of marriage counselling. One last try. We still didn’t make it work but at least I know we have our all. Would your husband be willing? The problem for me is the lying. My ex did this too and for very similar reasons - not because he’s trying to spare your feelings or protect you, but because he’s trying to protect himself from your nagging. He basically wants to have his cake and eat it. Now I’m not suggesting there’s anything going on with the other woman but he knows that you’d be upset so instead of addressing why you might be upset, he has chosen to lie to you. There is the issue. He prioritised himself and going for a nice little pub lunch over your feelings. That is very selfish and indicates that he has lost respect for you. He may have checked out of the marriage.

What to do..? You can confront him with the bank statement, watch him squirm, etc. Won’t make him respect you or suddenly make him see the error of his ways. I’d let him know that you know he lied. Then his reaction will be telling. If he’s remorseful then perhaps you’d consider marriage counselling. If he becomes defensive and tries to gaslight you even more then I really think you need to consider cutting your losses.

We spent £100s on the counselling. From the start and right through to the end my ex insisted that I’d basically forced him to lie. Looking back, he was emotionally abusive and, though the counselling helped in some ways, it was never going to save us.

@Gtp78

How are you holding up?