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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex ramping up the abuse

58 replies

goawayyouboringbastard · 27/10/2019 08:10

Posted about this before. Ex moved in with new girlfriend and since has escalated the abuse towards me, refusing to drop DC back, I must travel, I’m a that, I’m a that and his favourite old trope I’m crazy.

Name calling - vicious name calling, and now he’s threatened to go to social services.

He contributes zero financially and is still disputing he needs to pay maintenance and contests it with the CMS. On reason he’s abusive and he was furious I dared apply in the first place.

Trying to get a contact order formalised but he keep changing the goal post. One of the results of the new girlfriend is she is dictating where and when contact is ‘allowed’ to take place. Whilst amusing he is doing as he is told, it’s also a little disturbing she thinks this is acceptable. She has no DC of her own, so I am of the option that this escalating situation between her boyfriend and I, really is something she needs to stay out of. The narrative he will have created however will mean she can’t of course. So it’s already a mess.

He was incredibly abusive during our relationship and his threats of social services will only escalate the matter in court as there is so Much evidence against him including his alcohol abusive. He’s no risk to the D.C. beyond how he treats me and always has done. Even in front of them. Having said that if I was to fill in a court order form then leagally and morally the boxes I would have to check would turn this matter into a very ugly and messy situation and I don’t want to put myself and the DC through that.

I am struggling to deal with the stress of his constant tirade of bullying and all of it to be honest. I’ve a high pressured full time job and am hardly on top of the housework. (I have to have absolute organisation) so it’s a little bit of a tricky situation.

I want him to stop absuiving me and then accusing me of being abusive as a start.

OP posts:
TarMcAdam · 27/10/2019 08:16

Can you set up an email or separate phone for contact arrangements and let him know this is the only route for any communication to you. Also that the communication is for contact arrangements only ... Absolutely no other comments or communication or any description, otherwise it will be logged/reported to ss/police as harassment.

And then stick to that, no compromise, no quarter.

Have you dealt with women's aid, can they advise on this?

Lol at his new woman, seems like he's found a kindred spirit, I'm.sure it'll be a delightful, stable relationship.

Original poster
goawayyouboringbastard · 27/10/2019 09:25

Yes, been referred to domestic violence team as I asked 101 what to do as he was refusing to bring them back. They flagged an alert and not it’s flagged a merlin. I can’t believe how he’s escalated things. He bullies me at every point. I still feel guilty saying that as if I’m over reacting. It’s ridiculous as he drove me to the point of self harm when I was pregnant with our second DC.

Yes, she sound delightful but to be honest after the reports from the DC he was in bed 24/7 when they were with him it’s probably good to have another adult around howver the fact he now won’t look after them round ours is another flag. He is so predictable is scary though so I can see how things will pan out. Anyway that’s beyond my control and my only concern is the DC.

In the meantime he’s dictating all contact and has me over a barrel. He’s also gone as far to say now she’s there they have a stable base for the DC and I’m crazy and unhinged. Not sure he will want full residency (he has them less that I do) but he is definitely up to something and very much acting out again.

I don’t have any mental health issues but did have severe PND and was under the psychiatric team and it was identified as an environmental result. IE abuse etc so this is on record at least as he’s painted me to be at fault.

He behaves as if he protecting them from their evil monster crazy mum, it’s just another way for him to convince himself it’s not him.

OP posts:
FabbyChix · 27/10/2019 09:36

Can you not let him have contact at all unless it’s court ordered

Winterdaysarehere · 27/10/2019 09:44

Imo you need to go via court. Ugly for you maybe but things are very ugly for the dc right now.. If he won't financially support the dc now, he isn't going to commit to doing so full time is he? If you have any evidence to keep him from the dc then ffs use it!! Or you are as guilty as him and gf for game playing..
Stop contact until court orders it.

something2say · 27/10/2019 09:53

Yes the thing to do now is to pull apart from him and let the professionals in.

Speak to your local DV advisor and get a safety plan drawn up.

Speak to social services and let them be the ones to negotiate contact, and the fallout when it comes from him ie you agreed hed drop them back at x time, but he dropped them back at y. Let them see his messages and dont respond, bearing in mind they'll be read..

I'd not wait for court at this stage. If you do have to, dont allow contact but do engage fully with court proceedings and eventual orders. But itd be ok to wait for court.

Its actually good that its reached this point. You are closer to relief now that the professionals can see what he's like. Most act up less when other people can see xxx

Original poster
goawayyouboringbastard · 27/10/2019 10:07

would be to just stop contact when they’ve had it regularly game playing and considered unreasonable. I’m not sure their new set up there and the way he’s gone about it is fine in any sense of the word in fact I think it’s downright selfish as he won’t understand the impact of such a big change.

What do I do about that? I can’t dictate who he sees but contact like yhis is damaging of course.

I’ve been asking him to mediate for a while now and he’s refused. If I’m honest I’ve always been scared of what he might do in terms of contact.

OP posts:
Original poster
goawayyouboringbastard · 27/10/2019 10:08

In terms of the financial support I think it’s just because he doesn’t think I deserve anything from him and I made his life so bad.

OP posts:
nomoreclue · 27/10/2019 10:15

This is the reason there are laws. Of course he had to pay maintenance. You know that. Stop listening to him. Start reading what the law actually says. What he says makes no consequence to anyone. He’s not the king of England. He doesn’t set the law. He has to abide by them. He can mouth off all he wants. You no longer have to listen. He’s just making his own coffin everytime he opens his mouth. Let him rant, save it all, do not respond. Find a solicitor. Speak to rights for women and document everything. He does not get to dictate contact. Go see a solicitor about setting up a proper contact agreement. Everytime he breaks it, it’s more fuel for you. You are their mother. You hold down a full time job (so obviously not crazy right?) so you get a say in what contact works for you. He doesn’t get it all his own way which he’s used to getting. He’s a bully. Stand your ground. We are all on your side.

Original poster
goawayyouboringbastard · 27/10/2019 10:34

nomoreclue Thank you, your last sentence has really got to me. I’ve had no support for so long so for a stranger online to set me off is just ridiculous.

He was vile when I was pregnant and in fact I wrote about then when we were together and didn’t believe the posters who pointed out how bad he was, but I am looking for a therapist as I have severe issues as a result in terms of being on high alert all the time.

He makes me collect them from him and refuses to bring them back if I don’t. I can’t leave them there but that’s the type of thing he does. Days off he wants he doesn’t have them but makes out he’s super dad as he’s ‘upholding his responsibility’.

I can’t withold contact as that’s damaging to them. I guess court is the only way although he’s refusing to amend the contact as it is which he’s decided is what suits him. I feel so helpless

OP posts:
NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 27/10/2019 10:45

How old are are the kids? What would happen if you didn't pick them up? Presumably he has to work?

MitziK · 27/10/2019 10:54

He's counting on you not wanting to tick the boxes. It's what gives him the power to keep on abusing you - and taking your children away from you would be a great way to punish you, as then he'd be able to drink himself stupid on child benefit, his girlfriend finds herself being the primary carer and you'd be without your children.

Tick the boxes, you could get the support of the courts to keep your children with you. Without it, you run the risk of him getting what he wants - which isn't the DC, it's to make sure you don't have them. To punish you. To deprive them of their mother. To win at all costs.

TheABC · 27/10/2019 11:03

Declare everything to the courts. Let his behaviour be seen by all. Yes, it's a shitstorm but he is already bullying you. Having crystal clear rules and a rigid contact system is there to protect you. Plus, if he ever refuses to drop off the kids or absconds with them, you already have a record on file with the police.

Finally, just because he is not abusing the children now does not guarantee it in the future. What happens when they reach teenage years with a mind of their own? They won't be cute and submissive anymore. Just having his history recorded will help them if they choose to report and end contact.

Original poster
goawayyouboringbastard · 27/10/2019 11:03

MitziK

That’s chilling and I feel a little terrified at that being his motive.

OP posts:
Nc77 · 27/10/2019 11:14

I’d stop contact and make him go through court. It’s damaging to the kids sending them there as no doubt he will be slating you to them, it’s not a good environment. You might feel terrible for stopping contact but in the long run it’s more beneficial to your kids well being.

If he wants to take you to court he will need to fill out a form and pay £210 for it, do you think he will do that if he won’t pay maintenance?

If and when it does go through court, you’ll have set days and rules to stick by as clearly nothing can be agreed to or stuck to and it will be resolved without his new girl friend sticking her ore in.

Quartz2208 · 27/10/2019 12:26

Yes start the court process now get legal advice and apply to be the resident parent and get contact (includ8ng arrangements for collection)

StationView · 27/10/2019 12:33

You are not crazy. It's a standard part of The Script. My XH said the same.

The wonderful part of him refusing to cooperate with the CMS is that eventually they will put him on Collect and Pay. This means they charge an extra 20% to him in order to collect maintenance & pass it onto you. By contrast, you pay a nominal sum. My XH was put on this in the end because he thought he was a Master of the Universe and normal rules didn't apply to him. Guess what - they did Grin

Original poster
goawayyouboringbastard · 27/10/2019 12:51

I just hope he does meet me with the DC today - he’s making me travel to where he is but already said he’s concerned about their safety but won’t withold contact I just have to fetch them and if I don’t then I can’t see them.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 27/10/2019 12:53

What’s the current arrangement who is the primary carer/home

Original poster
goawayyouboringbastard · 27/10/2019 13:03

I am primary carer and he had them most weekends. This was his request but I’ve been contesting it as he changes it whenever it’s inconvenient and the inconsistency is not good.

OP posts:
SnowyRacoon · 27/10/2019 13:35

Ignore and block on everything, keep one email address strictly for arranging contact. Do not engage, discuss or retaliate or discuss anything other than your children. Keep every form of communication, i am sure if you give him enough rope it will not be long before he hangs himself, then you can report the continuing abuse and harassment, apply for a Non Molestation order and Prohibited steps order.

Do not agree to anything that you are not happy with, only allow contact where you decide. Let him threaten you, this is how abusers like him work.

Original poster
goawayyouboringbastard · 27/10/2019 14:06

What does the prohibitive steps order do?

OP posts:
Original poster
goawayyouboringbastard · 27/10/2019 14:16

I also do t understand why his aggression has increased as he has what he wants, I would have thought he’d actually start to be decent for a change.

OP posts:
Aveisenim · 27/10/2019 14:29

Because he wants to control you. Take court action. Now. To protect yourself and the children. He's trying to take primary residency from you.

Original poster
goawayyouboringbastard · 27/10/2019 14:49

Yes agreed, based on what he had just messaged me he is.

OP posts:
Winterdaysarehere · 27/10/2019 14:54

Why are you taking them to him? They aren't pizza and you aren't a delivery driver....