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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Ex ramping up the abuse

58 replies

goawayyouboringbastard · 27/10/2019 08:10

Posted about this before. Ex moved in with new girlfriend and since has escalated the abuse towards me, refusing to drop DC back, I must travel, I’m a that, I’m a that and his favourite old trope I’m crazy.

Name calling - vicious name calling, and now he’s threatened to go to social services.

He contributes zero financially and is still disputing he needs to pay maintenance and contests it with the CMS. On reason he’s abusive and he was furious I dared apply in the first place.

Trying to get a contact order formalised but he keep changing the goal post. One of the results of the new girlfriend is she is dictating where and when contact is ‘allowed’ to take place. Whilst amusing he is doing as he is told, it’s also a little disturbing she thinks this is acceptable. She has no DC of her own, so I am of the option that this escalating situation between her boyfriend and I, really is something she needs to stay out of. The narrative he will have created however will mean she can’t of course. So it’s already a mess.

He was incredibly abusive during our relationship and his threats of social services will only escalate the matter in court as there is so Much evidence against him including his alcohol abusive. He’s no risk to the D.C. beyond how he treats me and always has done. Even in front of them. Having said that if I was to fill in a court order form then leagally and morally the boxes I would have to check would turn this matter into a very ugly and messy situation and I don’t want to put myself and the DC through that.

I am struggling to deal with the stress of his constant tirade of bullying and all of it to be honest. I’ve a high pressured full time job and am hardly on top of the housework. (I have to have absolute organisation) so it’s a little bit of a tricky situation.

I want him to stop absuiving me and then accusing me of being abusive as a start.

OP posts:
goawayyouboringbastard · 27/10/2019 15:09

I’m not he’s refusing to return them

OP posts:
Winterdaysarehere · 27/10/2019 15:11

Sorry for misunderstanding!
I had same with exh. Dc went nc with him eventually..

Quartz2208 · 27/10/2019 15:21

Do you have anyone you can go round with and get then

Once you get them back Court
If you don’t Court

goawayyouboringbastard · 27/10/2019 15:26

No, absolutely no support and he knows it.

I am beside myself. How dare he.

OP posts:
NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 27/10/2019 16:28

Ex husband? Or Ex boyfriend?

goawayyouboringbastard · 27/10/2019 16:34

Boyfriend...yes I know that was very stupid

OP posts:
NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 27/10/2019 16:39

Lol, maybe not so stupid now you're separated.

I'd be very very tempted to ring the police, tell them he's got the kids , and he's not the father and he needs to return them. Then keep them away from him until a court says otherwise.

Do you also take the kids to him to drop them off? How old are they? How will he work tomorrow if he's got the kids?

Drabarni · 27/10/2019 16:42

How is he making you travel to him?
Just block him and don't take the kids, see if he'll bother to go to court.
I know it's a shit storm but you need to do this for your dc.
Don't take them, get a good solicitor and contact the police about his constant abuse.
If he wants to see the kids he picks them up, if he has refused to bring them back, then you don't let him take them again.

Aveisenim · 27/10/2019 17:40

What everyone else said and make sure you log this with the police!

mymadworld · 27/10/2019 17:49

If he's refusing to bring them back I'd be calling the police not chasing around after him! Op you need to take back control - can you get,out of work for a couple of hours to speak to women aid and find a solicitor as this can't go on for yours and the dc sake Sad

goawayyouboringbastard · 27/10/2019 18:42

He has PR and told me in isn’t denying contact just that I am refusing to collect them! So the police won’t do anything.

OP posts:
beckyvardy · 27/10/2019 18:54

Stop contact. Let them take you to court.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 27/10/2019 18:54

Go to the house now then and get them. Take someone with you for support. Don't they have to be in school tomorrow? You're not being very forthcoming with details to be honest OP.

Honeyroar · 27/10/2019 18:55

Can you not go and get them? But make it the last time. Refuse him access until he has set up maintenance and you've a proper schedule set up by the courts. Ignore any of his threats. Tick those boxes, whatever you have to do, just get everything set in stone. Refuse to play his games.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 27/10/2019 18:57

OP I mean this kindly but have you had a drink? Is that why you can't go and get them?

goawayyouboringbastard · 27/10/2019 19:04

What? I didn’t say I wasn’t going to get them. I was relaying the conversation, of course I got them just that I’m having to jump through hoops. A drink? Smile no I’m not much of a drinker. I’ve been making dinner so not been able to give an in-depth reply.

Yes I know this should be the first and last time and he is raging with me that much I can tell! Also told the DC he’s angry with me according to them!

I will find a solicitor asap but not sure what to do in the meantime.

Thank you for all the advice it’s helping knowing that there I have someone to talk too. Bedtime hour so so if I am seeming vague.

OP posts:
NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 27/10/2019 19:23

Oh, you've got them now. Confused

goawayyouboringbastard · 27/10/2019 19:38

I had to go and get them yes, I need to mediate it seems and then find a solicitor. I don’t think I can stop contact as I think they would be confused. He’s been playing happy families but actually doesn’t seem to interested in any of it permanently.

I just don’t understand why he still expecting me to do what he tells me to. Ok I do and have done so have answered my own question! Heads a mess tonight.

OP posts:
Aveisenim · 27/10/2019 19:51

You need to stop contact now for you and your children and go through legal channels for contact. He will do this again. He's an abuser, you can;t have mediation is one of the party is abusive, it is not advised and for a very good reason.

goawayyouboringbastard · 27/10/2019 19:55

Why isn’t it advised? I thought legally I had to before a court would decide on contact?

OP posts:
Winterdaysarehere · 27/10/2019 20:01

How can you argue he shouldn't have contact whilst still giving him contact?

goawayyouboringbastard · 27/10/2019 20:16

What?

OP posts:
goawayyouboringbastard · 27/10/2019 20:18

I meant that to stop contact would probably be confusing for them, sorry if that wasn’t clear

OP posts:
aweedropofsancerre · 27/10/2019 20:26

I stopped contact between my eldest DS and his dad due to an escalation in behaviour and it wasn’t in my DS best interests. Let your ex take you to court and get access arranged without you being abused. I should add that my ex didn’t get granted access

carly2803 · 27/10/2019 21:32

you need to stop contact today and apply to court.

he is damaging the children, what on earth is he telling them?

they willbe damaged more seeing him than not given the situation

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