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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feel sick

77 replies

SulaBear · 27/10/2019 07:36

Getting in bed last night. Promise on the cards, all dressed up for the occasion. Long standing issue with him being obsessed with trusting me through no fault of my own.

He asked who had liked my recent posts on insta, also asking questions if I've ever done anything on my phone I shouldn't etc. Told him I'm no longer in the mood and he does his nut. I've explained to him before it's quickest way to turn me off! Goes on about how important it is to do it last night as he must have it again Monday. I said I'm not doing it I don't want to. Then he tells me I better to it tomorrow else it'll be 3 days and Monday as well as Monday very important to him. He can't even tell me why Monday so important?

I told him it's not acceptable but he doesn't get it. He told me I'm unacceptable for leaving things like that before we went to sleep even knowing full well I've told him it's not acceptable to ask the questions he does. He wants to know what I'm going to do to make it right. I've had a bad stomach all night through stress.

OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 27/10/2019 19:32

if you don't live together it's much easier to get rid of him. but it's not clear if you live with him or not.

Honeyroar · 27/10/2019 19:36

You'll never be anything but weak and worn down if you stay with him. He's grinding you down constantly. Try and get friends and family to lean on and speak to women's aid.

MyGhastIsFlabbered · 27/10/2019 21:12

I've only been with DP 9 months but I'm fairly convinced if I said I was feeling ill and didn't feel like sex he'd accept it without question.

BumbleBeee69 · 05/11/2019 20:02

Did you get rid of this guy OP Flowers

DreamingOfLivingInAChateau · 07/11/2019 12:59

Please leave him OP,

he sounds like a vile excuse of a man, who doesn't care about his partners feelings, and wants to control everything,

its not a healthy relationship,

please leave before he try's to force the point,,, and he will at some point-

12345kbm · 07/11/2019 13:42

You sound completely ground down, you sound so sad and heartbroken. I'm sorry, but your relationship is not going to get better and could get very much worse if you remain. I know you want with all your heart for him to listen to you and change but he's not going to.

What he's doing is called 'coercive control'. It's a pattern of abusive behaviour in order to get you to 'behave' and do what he wants when he wants.

He doesn't love you and this is not a good relationship. You need to start making plans to leave, safely. Please don't tell him you are thinking of leaving, please speak to a domestic violence organisation such as Women's Aid but there will be others in your area, to organise a 'safety plan'. This is so you can minimise any risk to you, and you are at risk with him.

No one wants to be told that they are in an abusive relationship and it creeps up on you. You're not to blame and there is nothing you can do to stop him or change him. You really don't deserve this and your life can be so much better than this. I know it feels like there's no way out but there is. There is support out there, there is help available and, with one step at a time, you can have a better life.

First step: 0808 2000 247

Sandals19 · 07/11/2019 15:30

His terrible problem which means he cannot trust me has to take priority. He makes me feel that he wouldn't have this problem with anyone else.

I was with a guy this this. Said he'd never felt insecure of had a problem with any of his previous gf's going out etc.

Few months into the relationship (yes I was stupid enough to stay in it for months) when his filter was off, his tongue getting looser and he was increasingly letting himself have little rants about things Inc exes he mentioned he'd dumped one of his exes be sure she was out on a girls night out in what he considered a pick up joint. He was focusing on how she lied about being there and got caught out because a mutual acquaintance saw her and told him. He was so caught up in telling (and enjoying) the story of how he'd caught her out lying that he didn't realise he'd dropped himself right in it.

What he related her saying also dropped him in it "I wasn't, I'm old school, I wouldn't go out without my partner". I realised that she'd never have lied if he'd been ok with her going out on her own, and I also recognised her words as what he'd been saying to me repeatedly during the relationship- during every argument he started when I did something socially without him.

My point is it's never ever just with you. How they are, is how they are.

Sandals19 · 07/11/2019 15:30
  • guy like this
pudding21 · 07/11/2019 15:38

I get UTIs sometimes OP they make you feel horrible. Dandelion tea is very good for prevention, or wild oregano tea is good as a natural antibiotics for the future when those symtoms start.

My ex used to get moody and sulky if I didnt want sex, we had been together 21 years. He also always used to disbelieve me if I ever said I was ill, question it etc. Its horrible. My current partner would make me a tea, get me a blanket ask if I need anything and not pressure me into sex in ANY way. We have a very active sex life, but he would ALWAYS respect if I was not in the mood. Thats all I would have to say.

Get yourself feeling a bit better and make the break, he is abusing you by being paranoid and controlling and trying to coerce you into sex by making you feel bad for him.

Fluffypudcats · 07/11/2019 15:44

@SulaBear how are you? It's been a while since you last posted and we're all worried about you. Please give us an update 💐

Sunflowersok · 07/11/2019 17:22

Everything about your post is chilling to the core OP and I completely agree with the other posters.

As a normal reaction to me having a UTI: my partner would tell me to rest up, he’d look after me and make sure I was comfortable and he’s have all the patience in the world. In regards to sex, if he knows or suspects I’m tired he doesn’t even try it on (no matter how long it’s been since the last time).

The other week we got in to a conversation about the past and I admitted that I had been in a not so nice situation with a guy who couldn’t take ‘no’ for an answer. It made him feel that sick he cried in upset, we had to stop the car and hold each other and talk for 40 minutes (we was on the way home with hot food!). He said he was dearly sorry he wasn’t there to look after me years before we even met. That’s a caring, compassionate, supportive response to this situation OP, this is a response of someone who loves you deeply.

You deserve so much more than being with this entitled pig. Please consider your options

Original poster
SulaBear · 08/11/2019 06:45

Hi lovely people.
Unfortunately I have not made the break yet. However I have started keeping a record on my phone of all the things he is saying/doing.
His anxiety has got more out of control. I caught him smoking outside before he went to work this morning. He pretended to smell the exhaust fumes and say he didn't know where the smell was coming from. I got him to kiss me and it was very obvious. For months I have been saying I've got a whiff of cigarettes and he always denied it. He reckons it only started this week but my trust feels completely broken and I'm truly wondering what else he's lied about. He couldn't even own it but tried to make out he didn't know what I was going on about.

Meanwhile I have become more numb to the situation. I'm not feeling much of anything but enjoying focusing more on my DD.
He is meant to be staying away either tonight or tomorrow as he has his child but he still hasn't told me what night this will be. He can't bear the fact he won't see me all day and then may not see me tonight either. He has been questioning why I want my space.

It is all a mess but I'm trying to figure the way out.

OP posts:
NabooThatsWho · 08/11/2019 06:53

Just text him and say it’s over! It doesn’t have to be an elaborate plan. He’s paranoid and abusive, don’t drag it out any longer.

LannisterLion1 · 08/11/2019 07:52

Make a clean break so you can really focus on yourself and your dc. While he has you walking on eggshells you and they will always come second as thoughts of him will intrude.

Do you live together? If not it's even easier as you can change your locks (man that controlling will have cut a key), send a text and block. Ghost him drastically is best with controlling manipulative arseholes.

Original poster
SulaBear · 08/11/2019 08:25

We do not officially live together but have not been separate for more than 1 night for nearly a year now. Trying to get him to leave is very difficult. Even 1 night is becoming too hard to sort out.

OP posts:
MzHz · 08/11/2019 08:37

Please bin him. Today.

He’s AWFUL

MzHz · 08/11/2019 08:39

Omg! You have a dd? You want her to think this fucking awful relationship is in any way acceptable?

What would you feel if you saw her in this shit? Because that’s where she’ll end up if she thinks this is what relationships look like!

LizzieSiddal · 08/11/2019 08:42

Is it your house? Or your name in the tenancy?

Original poster
SulaBear · 08/11/2019 08:52

Yes I know that and it will be ending it's just a case of when. It is my house I own it but you wouldn't think that the way he behaves. So entitled and dictating. He has his own horse too but never stays there!!

OP posts:
Techway · 08/11/2019 09:03

Trying to get him to leave is very difficult. Even 1 night is becoming too hard to sort out

This isn't anxiety but control. You are on a clear path to him completely controlling you as you can't even get him out of your space for a night.

Are you afraid of how he will react? I would tell him to stay at his own place for a few days and ask him to not come over. Put the keys in the door and let a friend know so you have alerted someone.

forumdonkey · 08/11/2019 09:14

This is awful. You are clearly very unhappy still and he's abusive and possessive. You're in a good position that you've both got homes. Firstly change the locks, collect his stuff together and tell him you're done.

Have you a friend who can be with you? As pp says, are you scared of him? If so, call the police and explain the situation and what you're doing.

Please finish it, you sound broken

MashedSpud · 08/11/2019 09:24

He’s questioning you because he’s up to something himself.

His odd schedule for sex is boring and him demanding sex is unacceptable.

LannisterLion1 · 08/11/2019 09:25

Call a locksmith today and change the locks. No entry, no worry on getting him to leave. Thats the practical solution. What's holding you back is the hope he will change, it's shackling you to him. You need to focus on your dd and go for practical right now.

Or chose to ignore practical and hold out for something that will never happen.

ChuckleBuckles · 08/11/2019 09:40

I second that idea to change the locks, back and front door too. Bag up any stuff he has at your home and get a friend to drop it at his place.

Then go no contact, message or email him to tell him you do not want any contact with him again and if he attempts to contact you you will notify the police. Do not agree to meet for "closure", do not agree to him coming to your home to "talk", do not respond to anything from him, it is time to get this vermin out of your home and life.

Isthisit22 · 08/11/2019 16:33

Not really sure why you are negotiating a night for him not to be there.
You do realise that you can end a relationship at any time dont you?
Just tell him to leave.
If you are scared to do this then either get help from friends or family or call the police.
It is your home- he HAS to leave.

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