Feel sick

[SulaBear]

Getting in bed last night. Promise on the cards, all dressed up for the occasion. Long standing issue with him being obsessed with trusting me through no fault of my own.

He asked who had liked my recent posts on insta, also asking questions if I've ever done anything on my phone I shouldn't etc. Told him I'm no longer in the mood and he does his nut. I've explained to him before it's quickest way to turn me off! Goes on about how important it is to do it last night as he must have it again Monday. I said I'm not doing it I don't want to. Then he tells me I better to it tomorrow else it'll be 3 days and Monday as well as Monday very important to him. He can't even tell me why Monday so important?

I told him it's not acceptable but he doesn't get it. He told me I'm unacceptable for leaving things like that before we went to sleep even knowing full well I've told him it's not acceptable to ask the questions he does. He wants to know what I'm going to do to make it right. I've had a bad stomach all night through stress.

Run OP. Run for the hills. This man is a nasty, controlling, pathologically jealous weirdo. He's also a sexual predator. ("I must have sex..." - well, no, not if the woman's said no. If you go ahead after the woman's said no, you're a rapist. If you put her so much in fear of the consequences of saying no and sticking to it that she acquiesces... you're a rapist.)

And you’re in a relationship with him because.....?!

Sounds like he asked you those questions to start an argument so that you wouldn't want to sleep with him so he could tell you that that was unreasonable. He wants you to feel like you are always walking on egg shells. He is gaslighting you because he is an emotionally manipulative psycho. That shit doesn't change. It is who he is.

Time to go! Fast!

In my 1st marriage my ex H (this is 30 years ago) used to keep a running mental clock of how long it was till ‘last time’and frequently bring it up, it was a total turn off. In the end it totally pissed me off and I left him

As I say I've been hoping he can change but as the days go by I think I'm understanding that that won't happen.

I also suspect I've got a UTI and have been uncomfortable since Friday will see docs tomorrow. I was still going to go ahead yesterday because it would have been easier than trying to explain why I wasn't in the mood. I told him this and he didn't seem bothered by that either. He's shown no remorse for what was said. Keeps reminding me of how unhappy he is and that both of us have to sort.

I've told him I'm getting an early night as only 3 hours sleep last night as well. All he says is that 'you're going to leave it like this?' And I should know how much he hates that!

Even with the UTI I've said it's now completely off the cards tonight and he showed no care. Just reminded me he's not best pleased about it. Apparently if I showed him that I cared more then he wouldn't be like this.

Admittedly I do struggle with showing how I feel and I'm not the most tactile person but I feel I show in many other ways but he just says I was able to do it in the beginning.

My ex didn't care about UTIs. Sex was the most important thing to him. He sounds very similar. It's worrying that you were just going to do it anyway. He should be looking after you - sex is not a right.

he sounds so controlling. Can you go to a friends?

And I think - get counselling. I say this all the time, but I was so unclear about what was normal in a relationship, even though things made me really uncomfortable. Counselling has helped.

Can I just ask how would your lovely OHs respond to things like this? Or how should your DP respond?

He will not change because he feels perfectly alright to act like he does.
After all - in his eyes you are not a human being, not a real one, that is.

Leave him!

There’s only one thing that you can do in these circumstances- split up. He’s not normal and you deserve much better. You must know this deep down.

My dh would run to the shop and buy cranberry juice. He'd wrap me up in a blanket and do everything for me.

We don't live together. That's how a proper caring dh acts.

He sounds like a complete wanker. Run

With care and compassion.

Honestly, the Freedom Programme explains how an imperfect but decent partner would behave - it's really useful to get a sense check - and what you're describing is the opposite. This isn't normal.

You deserve so much better.

He says yes. You say no. He insists and you still say no. If he goes ahead anyways that's rape.

My DH wanted me to be really enthusiastic about sex. He never once pressured me. If I had a UTI he'd tell me to go to bed, take care of myself. Oh, and we totally trusted each other.

You say you've got a UTI. Your OH being jealous and checking up on you might - just might - be a sign that he's the unfaithful one. Perhaps you haven't got a UTI. Perhaps it's a STI. Hope I'm wrong, but I do wonder.

Please ditch this sorry excuse for a partner. He sounds horrible.

The sex thing? If he's demanding sex you don't want that's rape. He has no right to tell you that you have to provide sex to order, Monday or any other day.

His argument was why is it always as I want it. Why does he have to do as I say? I didn't even know how to formulate an answer to that apart from if it's not consent it's rape. I don't think he knows how to listen to another's views and opinions. He could have felt free to do one a long time ago if he didn't like what he was seeing/hearing.

I have questioned myself whether he is faithful but of course he'd never do that. His terrible problem which means he cannot trust me has to take priority. He makes me feel that he wouldn't have this problem with anyone else.

my current dp would run me a bath, poor me a glass or wine, or go to the shop to get medicine. Rub my back. There'd be no expectation of sex. He'd send me flowers from work. He'd probably try to get me to go to the doctors or A&E (he's a bit of a worrier).

My old one would harp on about sex being crucial to maintaining intimacy. Ultimately if I was in bed with him, he'd just insert himself anyway. (In a sort of kind way, but yes, I know).

You're still describing standard abusive behaviour.

It's about having power and control over you. That's it. You're not doing anything to cause it, it's not your fault, it's his.

You don't have to shag him, no matter how much he says you do- but you know that. If you can't think of anything to say except 'if it's not consent, it's rape,' then you could say that.

His obsessive jealousy and attempts to control you, including threats to hastle someone he sees as a threat, are not good either.

He gives me the creeps and I've not even met him. I'd recommend getting out of this relationship. Xxx Best wishes.

He said he can't help the questions he asks

He most certainly fucking CAN.

I have to help how I respond to them and help him better with his problem

Exactly as he says.. HIS problem, not yours.

I don't delete him he'll call him to tell him to stop persuing me.

Coercive control right there, he's a bullying controlling twat, and there are laws against this behaviour.

Kick this Idiot out of your life, and block him on everything, you deserve WAY more respect than this TWAT is showing you.

Oh and STOP having Sex because he COMMANDS it ?! WTF did I just read.

OP why do you want to respond to the despicable arse hole in any way ? in what way does he make you feel precious, special, cherished, loved, adored ? I'm genuinely interested ?

Get rid asap.

she does it bumblebee because she's under his control. Possibly trauma bonded to him and certainly been warn down by coercive control and abuse over a period of time. You cease to realise what's normal. It's constant control and coercion and you do things for an easy life, or to please the person, or to avoid arguments or silent treatment or whatever.

My ex (who I mentioned below) wanted me to have sex everyday- he would just put himself in me - he called it Hello Goodmorning (or Hello Good afternoon etc etc) and I went along with it! I possibly thought it was a sign of our great love for each other. I wanted to please him! I once called it rapey and he went beserk). When you've been controlled by someone you cease to know what's normal The OP needs to get away and then she will start to get clarify.

I'm so weak from it all

I understand OP. Do you have a friend or a sister or your mum who you can call? or visit. Just to get away for a bit.

Can you phone Women's Aid? I did and they were so helpful.

Just leave. It will only get worse. What are you waiting for?

@SulaBear please tell him to take a long running jump in front of a fast moving train!
You're being abused darling. If it's not your flat or you've not bought it together, get the fuck out or get him out! And if you're feeling weak and unwell go and stay somewhere till you regain your strength and come back ready to kick his arse.
Please DO NOT TOLERATE HIS BEHAVIOUR!
You have the world to look forward to and this fucktard is stealing that from you.
What a sad excuse for a human being.
Don't let this escalate and trust me it will x