Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He doesn't go down on me

87 replies

ILikePaperHats · 26/10/2019 23:17

My previous partner gave oral loads and always sorted me out first IYKWIM. I can't really orgasm any other way apart from with a vibrator which I do use occasionally in front of my current partner but often he seems bored by that, maybe left out? He hardly ever gives me oral. I shave, shower every day so I know It's not the odour that might put him off. I've tried talking to him about it and he says he's under confident about his technique, especially as I 'just lay there like a sack of potatoes' (yes, his words but probably on the defence). I've tried telling him that being still and quiet is my way of relaxing and enjoying it and if I'm squirming around then it means he's not in the right place. I tell him I like it on the left hand side of my clit and he nearly always does it on the other side which drives me mad as it seems he doesn't listen or doesn't care much about my pleasure. What should I do? He's 10 years younger than me, was quite inexperienced when I met him and I feel I should have been able to teach him better than this!

OP posts:
ffswhatnext · 26/10/2019 23:56

One of my partners enjoys rimming. It’s brings him please. It’s not something I enjoyed or wanted to do.
No is no is no doesn’t come with exceptions.

ffswhatnext · 26/10/2019 23:57

And didn’t do (phone is acting really weird today)

Interestedwoman · 27/10/2019 00:00

I agree with the PP that saying you 'lie there like a sack of potatoes' is not a respictful way to talk and he'd be 'on probation' at least with me for that alone.

Interestedwoman · 27/10/2019 00:01

*? respectful lol

timshelthechoice · 27/10/2019 00:03

He doesn't like giving oral. YABU to expect him to. You need to find someone else to shag. He's not your previous partner. You're incompatible.

Pandainmyporridge · 27/10/2019 00:09

I don't think there is a straight comparison with "how would we respond if it was a man saying this" - we would need a comparison where the woman had a guaranteed orgasm every time and the man was asking to have one too, but she didn't like doing anything that led to this.

yoursworried · 27/10/2019 00:10

You're not sexually compatible then are you. You can't force someone to do something they don't enjoy and you shouldn't want to.
Neither my DH or I enjoy oral sex, never have so it's not an issue because we're compatible and enjoy other types of sex. You two aren't so find someone else.

category12 · 27/10/2019 00:14

I'd agree, Pandainmyporridge.

But at the same time, he doesn't have to do anything he doesn't want to.

And OP doesn't have to stick around for an unsatisfactory sex-life.

rvby · 27/10/2019 00:17

My partner was unconfident with a particular thing I liked, but once I told him how much I liked it he started on the learning curve and is now v enthusiastic. It took 5-10 shags for him to get it right. He also tended towards what seemed to be selfishness but over time we both learned it was more lack of confidence, which quickly resolved itself. Sexual confidence is a tricky thing because many people lack the language or try not to think about whether they are good in bed.

This is different though. This guy sounds like he just really doesn't like doing this? If you require this service and he doesnt want to offer it, its unkind to force him. Perhaps time to let him go?

Groundfloor · 27/10/2019 00:19

That the OP can only orgasm through oral is not his fault though, and shouldn't be a factor in him doing something that he doesn't feel comfortable with or doesn't want to do.

If that's all that works for her and he doesn't want to do it, they are incompatible and that's that.

Him making the sack or spuds comment is out of order.

However, actually lying there like a sack of spuds would stop me wanting to offer up a particular activity again. A passive, unresponsive partner gets old very quickly.

ffswhatnext · 27/10/2019 00:19

A comparison would be if he could only cum by having a finger or something up his arse.

AuntyElle · 27/10/2019 00:22

People keep conflating men being bog-standard selfish in bed with not pressurising anyone to do anything they don’t actively want to sexually. The fact that when he does do it, he focuses on the opposite side to what you have asked for says it all. Smacks of doing something badly cos you can’t be arsed. More comparable to blokes doing domestic tasks badly in the hopes they won’t be asked ever again. And his comment backs this up - there’s nothing immediately in it for him so he’s not interested.

moofolk · 27/10/2019 00:22

Why doesn't he like it though?? What a fool.

It's great. Making your lover feel great is brilliant and if he doesn't then that's a bit weird.

For years I went with men and did things to them essentially as repaying favours / to be nice to them but had no intense desire to (though I did enjoy sex in general).

Now I'm a lesbian everything is much better and I am very, very keen to give my partner as wonderful a time as possible, through acts which also give me great, great pleasure. So I would wonder why he doesn't want to worship the female body.

I'm not saying he's definitely gay, but ....

Well maybe if he's not interested in exploration then you are not compatible.

Original poster
ILikePaperHats · 27/10/2019 00:26

@AuntyElle you've hit the nail on the head and seem to understand the situation more than a lot of other posters on here who seem to think I'm a bully

OP posts:
category12 · 27/10/2019 00:27

He's due the dump, then.

DBML · 27/10/2019 00:33

I agree with other posters that you shouldn’t have to be coaxing someone to do something they are uncomfortable with.

However, on the other hand, why should you miss out. So I’d speak to your partner about the issue and move on. There are plenty of people out there who do enjoy the same things as you.

timshelthechoice · 27/10/2019 00:38

You need to get rid of him then, ILike. He's not into it, and if he were he'd want you to respond differently. You are not compatible.

1moresurvey · 27/10/2019 00:38

Have you actually considered that your left is his right and vice versa in this situation? Instead of jumping off on "he's going to the other side on purpose"

Applesanbananas · 27/10/2019 00:51

He doesn't want to do it. You've probably made a big enough thing about it now , you're harassing him. If its thats critical for you then leave but dont force someone to do something they just dont want to do.

OctoberLovers · 27/10/2019 00:58

Imagine

My boyfriend forces me to give him oral and he says im shit at it. I dont like it !!!!!!

Really OP. Biscuit

category12 · 27/10/2019 00:59

Oh come on, she's not forcing him.

SleepingStandingUp · 27/10/2019 01:02

asking him to do the one thing that would bring equality to our sexual relationship is unreasonable?
Asking him to do something he doesn't want to do is unreasonable. Similarly, breaking up with someone who cannot satisfy your sexual needs is not unreasonable.

Do you think he gets confused with his left and your left?

nocluewhattodoo · 27/10/2019 01:07

I'm not seeing anywhere in the OP him saying he doesn't like/want to give oral, just reacting immaturely and defensively to being told his technique isn't working. I think people are being incredible hard on OP unnecessarily. I do think it's a case of selfishness and laziness, sounds like my ex. The long and short is you are incompatible, dump him.

Interestedwoman · 27/10/2019 01:11

@Groundfloor 'However, actually lying there like a sack of spuds would stop me wanting to offer up a particular activity again. A passive, unresponsive partner gets old very quickly.'

I can see that sometimes if one wants to orgasm one needs to focus/relax. If OP has told her partner that's what it is, he should then understand. I'm sure he'd be eventually given an enthusiastic response.

Speaking as a bi woman, honestly I find sex with women so difficuit, I can't even find my own clit half the time, never mind anyone else's. The poor menz! :) I suppose some of it boils down to practice and confidence, but to get the practice and gist, someone usually has to get stuck in and give it a go.

@moofolk I get what you mean though, most of what I do with men I do partly through a sense of obligation.

GameofPhones · 27/10/2019 01:37

Wasting your precious time with an incompatible partner.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread