Am I being selfish?

[BAC72]

Im ready for walking out on my DH. We have been together for 30 years, since I was 19. We have two beautiful children who are my world and we are both extremely proud of them. Our marraige was good and to the outside world we probably look perfect but I am so, so unhappy and miserable 😞
My DH does nothing to help me and I mean NOTHING! He never has but Ive put up with is cos thats what you do but I cant take it any longer. He has promised to change many times over the years but of course it has never happened.

I have a demanding full time job and do all the cooking, cleaning, washing DIY (although so much needs done to the house I cant keep up), dog walking, you name it, its down to me. Any jobs at home he has started hes not finished. He gets up 10 mins before we need to leave for work...im up 2 hours prior to that to get kids sorted and when we come home at night I dont sit down til about 8.30. We have no social life, we dont see friends, we do nothing together. We dont make any plans for the future. Theres no intimacy and have not had sex since December and before that I couldnt tell you last time. If we have a few drinks at weekend he sits in a different room. He lies in late at weekends which for me are spent with more housework one day and the next housework and shopping for my elderly parents. Nothing gets done while Im out and I come home to a bigger mess to sort out.
Once I was an outgoing bubbly person and now i find myself full of anger and resentment and the life being slowly sucked out of me. Ive been struggling to make even small talk recently. I told him last week I was very unhappy and he said nothing. No questions asked. Next day he sent me a text to say he will change but not one thing has improved. Although i think he may have thrown a pizza in the oven for the kids one night.
Ive put up with it for sake of the kids but i know think it is more damaging. They are asking me if im ok more often although i try to be ok around them but they must feel the tense atmosphere.
He is a nice guy a great dad and I care for him but no longer love him and dont think I can put up with another 20/30 years of this. Am I being selfish for putting myself first for once and wanting to be happy?

Please help...my head is bursting with this 😞

Good god you're not selfish! He is! What a lazy twat. You must have lost all respect for him whilst he sits on his arse letting you do everything.

He won't change. He had his chance. He doesn't bother because he knows you will do everything as you always have. Also think about the type of relationship that is being modelled to your children, mum = skivvy, dad = sits on his arse and does nothing.

Time to start your life and get happy again.

How old are your children? I certainly wouldn't live this way. He sees you as his mum, not a wife.

Youre not being selfish. Youve lived your life for him and your kids for way too many years , its natural to feel that way and you wouldnt want to waste the rest of your life doing that. Maybe the news havent actually registered. If its always been like that he may think youre just having a bit of a moan and thinks youll get over it in time. Show him thats not the case. I think you should put yourself first for once (i need to be taking my own advise) . Dont let it be and bring it up again, seriously.

He is not a great guy OR a good father from what you've put here. He sounds like a child. What would you advise your daughter in the same situation? Leave save yourself. Like you say you've x another 20 30 years... don't waste them being unhappy

I’m sad reading this. Leave him! You would be much happier.

I agree we are not showing kids the right way a relationship should be and I wouldnt want this for my daughter either 😞..Just feel heartbroken its came to this after all these yeara and I know it will break his heart and come as a total shock. He must see how unhappy Iam yet carrys on like nothing is wrong. Thank you for your comments.

Dont know how to take next step 😞

Ok what is the financial situation
Sort out getting legal advice and paperwork

You need to leave

What is the point of living with him?

You would be so much happier without him. It's one thing getting up early and working late but when you've got another adult in the house who's just comatose through choice, then it's enough to make your blood boil.

I think I would sit him down and say, "I have something to tell you. It CANNOT have escaped your notice that I am beyond exhausted with working full time and carrying all the load around here. We have had this conversation so many times, yet you have never made any attempt to help me - and that tells me that you don't honestly care about me. It is now too late. I have lost all love and respect for you so I am ending our relationship. I'd like to be reasonably civil about it so as to minimise the effect it has on the children, but I will be consulting a solicitor next week and you will be hearing from them in due course".

There honestly isn't anything else to say. If he promises to change, wants to talk it through I would just keep repeating, 'But these are just words, and I have heard them before. Nothing will change'.

Pack your bags and leave. Tell him you won't be back unless and until he changes. Permanently. You could go back for a day every now and then to check it out, but if he hasn't got everything under control, that's the end.

Financial situation is we have no savings but equity in house. We share everything and im main breadwinner. He is also good at spending money.

@TimeforanotherChange ..thank you...good advice x

@BAC72. The best of luck to you! I hope it's good advice. It is honest advice, at least. I divorced my exH after 14 years, mostly because of his utter selfishness - like your DH he did nothing, and I was exhausted and shattered and miserable.

It was tough - we had three primary aged DC - but I have never regretted it. He wasn't devastated in the slightest, however. He has moved on to someone else and as far as I am aware she is exhausted and doing everything for him.

I hope things work out for you. Your first post where you said I no longer love him and dont think I can put up with another 20/30 years of this really resonated with me. I got to the point with my ex where if someone had told me I'd be waking up next to him in 20 years time I'd have cut my throat there and then.

@TimeforanotherChange..thank you. I dont hate him. We had some great times and have two gorgeous children but yeah I think even if he does change I dont want to be with him...want me back 😊

He is also good at spending money. please don’t tell me he’s spending more than he needs, so you’ve no savings? He really has it made, hasn’t he? A wife that raises the kids, does all the domestic work, works and earns enough to top up his wages. Wow! Can I marry you OP?

No amount of promising to change will last. It’s too late for that.

@MrGsFancyNewVagina ..we have never had savings..we tended to just enjoy ourselves and spoil kids but he does spend money on things we either dont need at that time..cos we are skint...or we can get cheaper. Jeez when you see it all written down it doesn't half hit home. How niave have I been? X

You been too busy doing every bloody thing, to have the time to notice! It’s probably only because the children are older that you’ve had the time to catch a breath and recognise what a shit husband and father he is. He is a shit father and you know it. Stop making excuses for him. I hope you find the courage to leave.

Yes get legal advice and start thinking about a fair equity split and get the hell out of this marraige

You’re already doing it all by yourself , you just need to take that anchor off

You've given him plenty of time and opportunity to help. Bows the time that you get all the relevant paperwork in order, see a solicitor and sit him down and tell him you want a divorce.
He'll either get the shock of his life and lift his game or he won't, which will tell you what you need to know - and to be honest I don't think I'd want to give him a chance.
It sounds like your dc's are going to be old enough to be aware of what he is like and I suspect you will find being single is like having a huge weight lifted off for you.

Are you selfish for being pissed off at being treated like a slave for 30 years? Absolutely not. It sounds like you have tried your best. And even if he did change tomorrow...to be honest although most people would love to do less chores and childcare, I'm not sure a decent person would ever actually be happy to see the person thay they supposedly love rushing around doing everything while they just sleep longer and relax more.

He loves the kids and will do anything for them and wont take that away from him. But I also do everything for them so definately they see me as the one should do everything x God this is so sad because I honestly think everyone in famiky and extended family will be so shocked. Ive obviously hidden it all well

I'd ask him "Burial or cremation?" Seriously I couldn't spend five minutes living like that with a lazy ass husband-my father was exactly the same and you and the children deserve better

He's not a great dad because he doesn't actually do parenting does he?

Leaves all the day to day grunge work of parenting to you!

Absolutely get legal advice and divorce him.

@RandomMess..he does do parenting

So what parenting does he do???

What does he do that you don't?