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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being selfish?

51 replies

BAC72 · 25/10/2019 19:44

Im ready for walking out on my DH. We have been together for 30 years, since I was 19. We have two beautiful children who are my world and we are both extremely proud of them. Our marraige was good and to the outside world we probably look perfect but I am so, so unhappy and miserable 😞
My DH does nothing to help me and I mean NOTHING! He never has but Ive put up with is cos thats what you do but I cant take it any longer. He has promised to change many times over the years but of course it has never happened.

I have a demanding full time job and do all the cooking, cleaning, washing DIY (although so much needs done to the house I cant keep up), dog walking, you name it, its down to me. Any jobs at home he has started hes not finished. He gets up 10 mins before we need to leave for work...im up 2 hours prior to that to get kids sorted and when we come home at night I dont sit down til about 8.30. We have no social life, we dont see friends, we do nothing together. We dont make any plans for the future. Theres no intimacy and have not had sex since December and before that I couldnt tell you last time. If we have a few drinks at weekend he sits in a different room. He lies in late at weekends which for me are spent with more housework one day and the next housework and shopping for my elderly parents. Nothing gets done while Im out and I come home to a bigger mess to sort out.
Once I was an outgoing bubbly person and now i find myself full of anger and resentment and the life being slowly sucked out of me. Ive been struggling to make even small talk recently. I told him last week I was very unhappy and he said nothing. No questions asked. Next day he sent me a text to say he will change but not one thing has improved. Although i think he may have thrown a pizza in the oven for the kids one night.
Ive put up with it for sake of the kids but i know think it is more damaging. They are asking me if im ok more often although i try to be ok around them but they must feel the tense atmosphere.
He is a nice guy a great dad and I care for him but no longer love him and dont think I can put up with another 20/30 years of this. Am I being selfish for putting myself first for once and wanting to be happy?

Please help...my head is bursting with this 😞

OP posts:
Moondancer73 · 25/10/2019 21:56

But you've just said that he will do anything for them but you don't everything' - so plainly he doesn't do anything. Read back what you have written.

Wallywobbles · 25/10/2019 22:02

So easy steps forward.

Copy all financial information x2, one copy for his lawyer one for yours. Mortgage, bank account, salaries, savings.

Get house valued and on the market.

Work out what you think would work best re kids 50/50 is a good place to start. If there over 8 I'd recommend one week one week. Friday from school so no stuff in the wrong house. BUT everyone needs enough sets of uniform. Talk it through with him if possible. The more you both agree to now the quicker it'll be.

Tell the kids. Deal with fall out. (Much less than you'd imagine).

If you manage the miracle of an amicable divorce you can do it DIY.

Start looking for a new home for you.

pinkyredrose · 25/10/2019 22:07

What does he actually do when he's not at work?

Original poster
BAC72 · 25/10/2019 22:08

@GettingABitDesperateNow..this is what I keep telling myself

OP posts:
Original poster
BAC72 · 25/10/2019 22:12

@pinkyredrose nothing

OP posts:
Original poster
BAC72 · 25/10/2019 22:13

@Wallywobbles thank you

OP posts:
MrGsFancyNewVagina · 25/10/2019 22:18

So he parents them? How does he do that? Does he pack their lunches, wash and iron their uniforms, get them their breakfast, help them with their homework, take them to their appointments, tidy their rooms? I’m sure there’s loads I haven’t thought of, but which of those does he do?

Wallywobbles · 25/10/2019 22:18

My pleasure. You are going to love your new life.

Original poster
BAC72 · 25/10/2019 22:22

@MrGsFancyNewVagina yeah he does the homework, taxi and fun stuff...point taken 😊

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 25/10/2019 22:22

He loves the kids and will do anything for them and wont take that away from him.
Well, from your post, he won’t get up with them in the morning, he won’t feed them breakfast, he won’t feed them lunch, he won’t dress them, he won’t make sure they have clean clothes, he won’t know what they need for school, he won’t cook them dinner (one frozen pizza is not dinner), he won’t bath them, he won’t make sure they live in a reasonably clean tidy house, he won’t book doctors appts and vaccinations... great fucking dad he sounds like. Just move on as fast as you can op.

MsFrosty · 25/10/2019 22:36

I'd say you have to ask yourself if this is saveable or is it just too much now. If you want to try and recover something then it's got to be a conversation he will engage in. If he doesn't then start making plans to separate

pinkyredrose · 25/10/2019 22:38

Well then i totally fail to see how he's a good father if he does precisely nothing.

OnceUponAMidnightBeery · 25/10/2019 22:51

Yes to what all pps said. What parenting does he do? So far he might have stuck a pizza in the oven. Once. After you'd asked him to step up.

Check what you would be legally entitled to if when you split. Talk to a solicitor about the house situation. Think about what you want to do with your life. Do you want to stay in the house? The area? Move away?

You have choices, and you and DC would be far better off. Sorry to sound harsh, but if he's not changed by now he won't.

Original poster
BAC72 · 25/10/2019 22:58

I know you are all right. Just didnt ever think id be in this situation. He has just asked me to cut him some slack cos he has taken the dog out every morning and night this week (he hasnt)...ive asked him why he thinks its ok to think everything is ok when its obviously not and that ive had enough...silence

OP posts:
RandomMess · 25/10/2019 23:05

The resentment will destroy your well being if you don't end it Thanks

Original poster
BAC72 · 25/10/2019 23:09

@RandomMess...thats my worry x

OP posts:
ExcitedForFuture · 26/10/2019 09:47

I was fed up in my marriage. Not your situation but I was in charge and had to facilitate everything or nothing would ever get done. Every little thing. H would do things but only after I told him to. Then there were other things that just got left and left. It became very wearing and I felt more like his mother. I just got more and more unhappy and felt like I'd lost me. I told him I was unhappy, which terrified him (I only found out later) and he said and did precisely nothing. I even forgot that I had brought it up with him! Crunch time came and he finally said he'd do anything to save it but I had lost interest by then. Plus I knew it wouldn't last. I had been bringing up my issues for years but he never changed.

I left him last year. I've never been happier. Yes he was heartbroken, but he should have stepped up sooner without me having to say all the time. My home is so much more relaxed and chilled and I'm a better person, not grumpy and miserable. I no longer get fed up because I'm having to parent another adult (he even admitted this was the case after we split).

Original poster
BAC72 · 26/10/2019 21:24

So I grabbed the bull by the horns and said it ladt night 😞 Most horrible thing Ive ever done in my life. He as devastated and begged me to give him a chance. Today has been mainly silent but he did say he was sorry he hasnt shown how much he loves me and then sent me a pic of us both looking happy. I feel bad but trying to be strong...good memories can cloud judgement but it is hard xx

OP posts:
RandomMess · 26/10/2019 21:34

Geez so trying on the emotional blackmail by sending the photo and still not actually doing more stuff to lessen your workload!

Original poster
BAC72 · 26/10/2019 21:53

Am I totally niave?

OP posts:
justthecat · 26/10/2019 21:54

How old was the pic ? Bet it wasn’t recent. He’s clutching at straws

RandomMess · 26/10/2019 22:00

He doesn't want his nanny, housekeeper and PA leaving him!!! Not to mention as well as doing those roles you subsidise him financially too..,

He is going to try and get you to change your mind anyway he can!

BelfastmummyL · 26/10/2019 22:03

Let him read this post. He can see it in writing how you feel and what you are doing. Plus what everyone thinks of him. Might be one last chance at a wake up call

cometothinkofit · 26/10/2019 22:19

How old are your children?

I suggest you make a list of every single household task and call a family meeting. Give everyone a copy of the list and ask them to read it. Then ask them all how those tasks should be shared out fairly.

Kids are usually pretty hot on fairness, and it will give them considerable food for thought. It will hopefully also shock your dh into the realisation of just how unfair everything is now, and why it has to change.

timeisnotaline · 26/10/2019 22:59

A pic of you looking happy? Bet after that smile for the photo you cooked dinner fed the kids bathed and bed then cleaned up and did some ironing.
A pic of him hoovering under the sofa, folding washing away, and planning a couple of meals might have pulled at my heartstrings in your situation.