Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How can they get away with this?

75 replies

Mandapea · 25/10/2019 12:44

Hi!
I’ve just found out I’m pregnant (I say just, 3 weeks ago) after a relationship with a guy I had known for a while.
I have a son with my exh who I left as he was emotionally abusive alcoholic.
It’s been hard as I had to quit my job to be a SAHM and it has just been me and my boy ever since. I had a relationship (first one since x) with new guy for about 4 months. There was red flags all over the place so I left him.
I told him I was pregnant when I found out. All he done was try to manipulate me into getting an abortion and was vile to me. He doesn’t want his ex knowing or his family and has blocked me from everything and said “you know what you need to do”.

I know I’m not financially stable right now. I had planned on going back to work in January. However this won’t be the case. But even still I’ve managed before so I will manage again.

I’m just so hurt by it all and wonder how he can be expected to get away with this. I know he is and there’s nothing I can do, I’m not a person who would go out and tell anyone as he obviously wants no part of it. I’m just so hurt that people are actually like this.
My son doesn’t really have a relationship with his dad and that has been really hard trying to shield him from the hurt and now I’ve got to do it again. The thought makes me sob.

I know this is my own fault. I think I just want a bit of reassurance that things will be ok and that he is missing out.
Thankyou x

OP posts:
category12 · 25/10/2019 13:05

I think you need to reframe it as a bloody good thing he doesn't want to be involved.

onthecoins · 25/10/2019 13:28

I don't quite understand - get away with not wanting the baby? Was he using condoms?

Majorcollywobble · 25/10/2019 13:40

He obviously wants no part of the pregnancy as he doesn’t intend to pay maintenance. Is the father of the baby the man you’ve known for quite a while - or the one you have known for four months ?
The father can only get away with not paying maintenance if you allow him to .
Unfortunately you can’t form him to be part of the baby’s life but he has a duty to help in the expense of raising the child . Sounds like you and your son have been a great team so far . You obviously can manage just fine without a live in man so concentrate on yourself and your boy x

SellmeyourMLMcrap · 25/10/2019 14:24

Well he isn't going to be a part of this child's life so if you want to keep it make sure that you understand that it will be alone and it is also highly unlikely that you'll get any money from him.
So with you not working and no partner, can you really afford another child? Would that be fair on you and your Son?

Abortion is a very personal decision and you may be dead set against it regardless of circumstances and that is totally fine, you'd get by with support from the government and eventually you'd get back to work but it won't be easy.

This situation will work itself out one way or another so don't over stress yourself in your condition.
For the future consider contraception, you shouldn't be risking pregnancy with a new boyfriend, especially if looking after another child would be problematic.

Original poster
Mandapea · 25/10/2019 14:46

Thankyou for the advice. Sorry I didn’t make clear, the guy I’ve known for a while was the one I was seeing for a few months.

Also, we did use protection, I’m on the pill but had a stomach virus a few days prior. Again I understand that right now I don’t have a job but there is a million other people get by on a lot worse situations than the one I’m in. And my children will never have to go without. I’m just so upset that a man could be that cold towards this situation. All because he doesn’t want his ex knowing.
People never fail to shock me
X

OP posts:
Nc77 · 25/10/2019 14:55

You will be fine! It will be a hard road but if you want this baby then you keep it and don’t let him tell you what ‘you need to do’ because he’s just thinking about himself.

Don’t even give him a second thought he is going to miss out on your beautiful baby and that’s from his own doing.

averythinline · 25/10/2019 16:17

If you won't have an abortion then make sure you apply via cms for maintenance and i hope you have for other sons father as well...but 4.5months is not a long relationship really... and he wasn't to know your pill wasn't effective but should still be belt n braces at that stage..,
Sounds like he wasn't over his ex bug you don't need yo keep secrets

category12 · 25/10/2019 16:41

How can you say your dc "will never go without" when you're presumably living on benefits? I'm sorry but the phrasing irritates me - unless you are independently wealthy, you're bringing another child into a very low income home and it'll be a long road to digging yourself out of the poverty trap.

ExcitedForFuture · 25/10/2019 16:46

So you quit work and live off benefits. You've got pregnant again because of your contraception failure (it's well known sickness etc affect the pill and you should use condoms for 7 days afterwards), he doesn't want a baby which is perfectly fine, and your solution is to stay on benefits. Not great and I don't agree he should pay maintenance.

Innishh · 25/10/2019 16:54

He has every right to express that he doesn’t want a child with someone he has only been in a relationship with for 4 months.
He has a right to say that he will not be involved physically in the child’s life.
He has to take equal responsibility for contraception failure.
He has to respect your decision to do whatever you want with your body.
He has to financially support the baby.
He cannot be manipulative and vile to you.

Treesthemovie · 25/10/2019 16:56

Well lesson learned then. Obviously his behaviour is disgusting but it takes time to get to know people and getting pregnant so early will put you in this position. It was never a great idea to be lax with your pill about 2 months into a relationship

onthecoins · 25/10/2019 17:05

I think people are being a bit harsh, if he knew you'd had a stomach virus why didn't he insist on using a condom? It's not just up to the woman.

But OP, if you're keeping the baby I think you must accept that's you're going it alone, he's not wrong to not want a baby. But he certainly should pay CM and you should pursue him for it.

Original poster
Mandapea · 25/10/2019 17:25

It irritates you why? My child and future child would never go with out. I am well aware I am just another statistic and claiming “benefits” wasn’t on my to do list and I am most certainly not proud of that.
It is going to be a long and hard road, but I didn’t “quit work” to live on benefits, I claimed no benefits at all when I first left my husband as i had savings.
I’m actually quite shocked at the harshness, but most definitely lesson learned and I’m dealing with it.

OP posts:
category12 · 25/10/2019 17:45

I'm irritated by it because it's a smug platitude when children that grow up in poverty are disadvantaged by it and do miss out on things. How can you possibly say they will never go without?

misspiggy19 · 25/10/2019 17:50

My child and future child would never go with out.

^At the expense of taxpayers. And you want to bring another child into the world whilst you live a life on benefits.

Original poster
Mandapea · 25/10/2019 17:53

Wow. I am far from smug and they most certainly will not be growing up in “poverty”.
God forbid you ever fall on hard times, and rely on support/help.
And as a mother I can assure you my child/ren hasn’t and never will go without.
What kind of things will they be missing out on? Please elaborate?

OP posts:
Original poster
Mandapea · 25/10/2019 17:54

I will not be living a life on benefits.

OP posts:
category12 · 25/10/2019 18:05

I have done. I am extremely grateful to the system that supported me and my family. And I grew up in a single parent family and my mum worked very hard for me.

Falling on hard times is one thing, choosing this is another. What will you be living on?

Original poster
Mandapea · 25/10/2019 18:14

And I will be working hard for my children but like I did right up till leaving my husband.
Right now it’s not possible. I haven’t chosen to live a life on benefits and I will be going back to work.

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 25/10/2019 18:22

You should weigh up your options, be ause you're in a bad situation. Is giving up the baby for adoption or abortion a possibility? If you keep it, can you live at your mums?

TheBatsHaveLeftTheBellTower · 25/10/2019 18:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

DelphiniumBlue · 25/10/2019 18:36

Some harsh responses here.
I was was quite surprised that some people think that the father doesn't have an obligation either to be physically involved or even financially.
OP, you have found yourself in a difficult situation, and clearly you are seeking to make the best of it. It takes two people to make a baby, and both of them are responsible for it. It is quite shocking that fathers can just walk away, and more so that some women will defend them doing so.

Malesingleparent · 25/10/2019 18:47

Quite shocked at some of the responses on here having a go because the OP does not want an abortion. Whether she does or does not have an abortion is her decision alone regardless of her financial situation.
As soon as the baby is born you must contact the CSA and make a claim against the father. If he is working and not on benefits he will need to pay. You night need a DNA test if he denies hes the father. But nowadays he should not get away without paying. It takes 2 to tango and its just as much his responsibility as yours that you are pregnant.
Good luck OP you have a hard journey ahead

Perunatop · 25/10/2019 18:52

You need to make a decision about the pregnancy based on what is best for your existing child.

Innishh · 25/10/2019 18:53

He has a right to say that he will not be involved physically in the child’s life.

The law gives him this right - as it also does to the Mother. Doesn’t mean anyone agrees with it - it’s just a fact.

Swipe left for the next trending thread