How can they get away with this?

[Mandapea]

Hi!
I’ve just found out I’m pregnant (I say just, 3 weeks ago) after a relationship with a guy I had known for a while.
I have a son with my exh who I left as he was emotionally abusive alcoholic.
It’s been hard as I had to quit my job to be a SAHM and it has just been me and my boy ever since. I had a relationship (first one since x) with new guy for about 4 months. There was red flags all over the place so I left him.
I told him I was pregnant when I found out. All he done was try to manipulate me into getting an abortion and was vile to me. He doesn’t want his ex knowing or his family and has blocked me from everything and said “you know what you need to do”.

I know I’m not financially stable right now. I had planned on going back to work in January. However this won’t be the case. But even still I’ve managed before so I will manage again.

I’m just so hurt by it all and wonder how he can be expected to get away with this. I know he is and there’s nothing I can do, I’m not a person who would go out and tell anyone as he obviously wants no part of it. I’m just so hurt that people are actually like this.
My son doesn’t really have a relationship with his dad and that has been really hard trying to shield him from the hurt and now I’ve got to do it again. The thought makes me sob.

I know this is my own fault. I think I just want a bit of reassurance that things will be ok and that he is missing out.
Thankyou x

Well if I didn’t feel bad enough before I definitely do now! Thanks 😊😂

So wait.. You had sex with him knowing you'd had a stomach virus and that your pill might not work? Did you tell him that? Now he's pissed off that you're pregnant. I don't blame him tbh.

He should have used a condom though. It's crazy to not use a condom if a pregnancy absolutely must not happen.

OP - in case you haven’t figured it out yet, MN is full of people who think they have a right to dictate what happens to your uterus just because they pay taxes

First of all, congratulations!

You have been through this before so you know that it will be hard, but you are also better prepared than some for single parent life. It is sad that your child’s father doesn’t want to be involved but that IS his loss. Don’t let his behaviour now spoil your pregnancy. I would ignore him for the time being and pursue him for child maintenance once the baby is here.

Although you may be grieving the relationship that your child will not have with their father, please remember that 1) circumstances change - your ex may feel differently once the baby is actually here 2) there are far worse situations for a child to be in.

Good luck x

Sorry cross posted with another thread 🤦‍♀️

Once, I might have blamed you for making poor choices.
But I grew up. Admittedly, it took a long time.
You'll have two children (unless you decide on a termination). That's brilliant.
You'll look after them, you'll manage, you know that.
I'm sorry the man turned out to be horrible. So many of them do.
Let it go. You'll be fine.

Is it early enough for you to terminate? I'm not saying you should but it is a consideration, especially as your man is worried about his ex finding out.

Do what is right for you and your son, please don't be sentimental about it; this is the time to be pragmatic.

He sounds horrible. The moment a man has sex he knows there is a risk of pregnancy. Do you want the baby? What about the implications for your ds?

Thankyou to those who have actually offered advice. I didn’t think I would come on here and be made to feel worse, but hey ho.

I don’t think I could get rid of the baby, that’s not me being sentimental or seeing everything through rose tinted glasses. There wouldn’t be any implications on my son, he will be starting school and I have a good support network with my mum and friends.

I know this isn’t an ideal situation and as already stated being reliant on benefits was not something I thought would have to do. Once I can, I WILL be going back to work.

The posters saying birth control is a man’s responsibility too are absolutely correct. Unfortunately though they never end up being lumbered with a kid who has a father who doesn’t want to know. It always falls to the mother. No child deserves to be brought into poverty. If you’re of working how are you going to support two kids. I’ve never claimed benefits in my life and don’t know how much you get. I do know that’s it’s not enough to realistically live on. He had sex with you thinking you were on the pill. I don’t blame him for being cold to finding out you were pregnant. He can hardly be criticised when he had protected sex. This would indicate he didn’t want a child.

Wow, some really harsh responses on here. OP, do what you think is best for you and your family. An abortion isn't easy physically or emotionally, personally I'd never be able to do it, although I'm pro-choice in theory.

Don't pay attention to those making you feel guilty about being on benefits. There's a big difference between choosing this as a lifestyle and having no intention of working, and genuinely falling on hard times. It sounds like you're trying your best and you do want to work eventually.
And btw, working doesn't mean you don't still rely on the taxpayer. Child benefit, funding for schools, playparks, free childcare hours etc., all comes from taxpayers' money. As a non-parent I could get all snide about how I'm paying for other people's children, for services that don't benefit me as a childless person...but I don't, because I understand that as a society we have to invest in the next generation. Supporting single mothers is part of that.
OP you've worked and paid tax in the past, and will again in the future, so there's no reason why you shouldn't take the help. People all over the world bring up children in much harsher circumstances, I doubt your children would be so hard done by.

I also don't agree with those defending the boyfriend. He might not want a child but sex can lead to one, even with precautions...so if he's having sex he should be prepared to take responsibility if the woman gets pregnant and wants to keep it. If he was so against it he should've worn a condom instead of leaving all the responsibility for the contraception to his girlfriend. However, in reality she'll be on her own in this, he probably won't pay/help with the childcare.

Well all I can say is 'very good luck for the future', I'm sure you'll have a lovely baby and will bring him/her up beautifully.

I'm sorry about the man but you won't make the same mistake twice.

All the best.

Are you really sure you’ve properly considered a termination? Whilst it is and always be the woman’s right to choose, you’ll be bringing (by choice) the child into the world already financially struggling and already have one child without a proper father. So both your children won’t have contact with their fathers... sometimes the most loving thing you can do is to consider what kind of a life this child would have.

Sorry you have found yourself in this situation with such a horrible non-partner.

Good luck with whatever you decide

Again Thankyou for the advice whether it be good or bad.

I think I’m going to take a step back from this thread right now as it’s a bit upsetting to read.
Thankyou for the advice x

Of course there will be implications for your son. He's getting a half-sibling.

What if the father of this child does a turnaround and starts demanding contact and makes himself a nightmare? Walks in and out of your lives?

I’m sorry you’re being attacked like this OP - this is why I rarely come on MN as it is full of adult bullies. You came on looking for a bit of a pick-me-up and some support and instead you got interrogated and your life choices questioned by people who have never met you. Please remember that they use the anonymity of the internet to air their judgemental clap trap because they would never dare do this in real life.

I hope you are taking care of yourself. Being pregnant is hard enough without having to go through the emotional upheaval of planning out your future as a single mum. Please remember that you are strong and have already done this successfully: you’ve got this, mama.

I would suggest that those who persist in bullying a vulnerable pregnant woman reevaluate their own life choices before they even think about tapping out an ill-thought out response on this thread. Disgusting behaviour.

@GlitterSparklePony I really appreciate your comment and kind words. I don’t know if I’m just extra hormonal but that gave me a lump in the throat 😂🙈 thankyou x

You are so welcome! I hate to see people overstepping their bounds and making someone who already feels pretty fragile even worse. There is such a prejudice against single mothers on MN You and I know as well as anybody that a happy, well-looked after child can be raised by a single parent, just as much as a child with two ‘active’ parents has no guarantee of being well-looked after, sadly. Keep doing what you’re doing and the rest will work itself out. And hugs to wherever you are in the world; you sound like you have a good support network and will totally rock being a mum of two x

Hear hear Glittersparklepony!

exactly! I couldn’t have put it better myself @GlitterSparklePony. I have a friend who stayed together with her husband “for the children’s sake” and put up with years of shit. Said child now receives counselling as it is effecting her views on relationships.
Granted they were financially stable but I’m sure but looking back, is that child going to remember the money spent on her or the unhappy memories?

I’m just trying to make the best out of my situation. If that means getting a bit help till I find my feet then so be it. I can probably understand other people’s views if I had never worked a day in my life and this is all I wanted, but it’s not. X

Don't let some of the replies on here get to you. I left my husband when my children were young and had to go on benefits for a bit before I could return to work and that is what the benefits system is for! It is to help people.
Abortion isn't an easy thing to do and certainly not something that should be done because you are being pushed into it. Why is it such a bad thing for his ex to know that you are pregnant?

@ExcitedForFuture I don't agree he should pay maintenance.

Good lord are you serious?! It was his responsibility as much as hers to make sure he was protected too! Wow I've heard it all now! Sounds like you're projecting.

Well said @GlitterSparklePony !! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻