How can they get away with this?

[Mandapea]

Hi!
I’ve just found out I’m pregnant (I say just, 3 weeks ago) after a relationship with a guy I had known for a while.
I have a son with my exh who I left as he was emotionally abusive alcoholic.
It’s been hard as I had to quit my job to be a SAHM and it has just been me and my boy ever since. I had a relationship (first one since x) with new guy for about 4 months. There was red flags all over the place so I left him.
I told him I was pregnant when I found out. All he done was try to manipulate me into getting an abortion and was vile to me. He doesn’t want his ex knowing or his family and has blocked me from everything and said “you know what you need to do”.

I know I’m not financially stable right now. I had planned on going back to work in January. However this won’t be the case. But even still I’ve managed before so I will manage again.

I’m just so hurt by it all and wonder how he can be expected to get away with this. I know he is and there’s nothing I can do, I’m not a person who would go out and tell anyone as he obviously wants no part of it. I’m just so hurt that people are actually like this.
My son doesn’t really have a relationship with his dad and that has been really hard trying to shield him from the hurt and now I’ve got to do it again. The thought makes me sob.

I know this is my own fault. I think I just want a bit of reassurance that things will be ok and that he is missing out.
Thankyou x

Congratulations!! I hope your pregnancy runs smoothly.
You and your growing family will be more than just fine.
It doesn't matter where the money comes from... just focus on enjoying your pregnancy.
Sorry to hear he doesn't want to be a parent to his child it's shocking when people you know do/say things that you wouldn't expect.

You are getting harsh replies because whenever there is a post about a new relationship & accidental pregnancy, making no mention of how the accident occurred & complete shock from the Op at being abandoned by the guy, it just gives off the vibe that it wasn’t that big of an accident & the Op is obviously happy at the accident. It is often in poor circumstances (unstable new relationship, not working or able to support child) and if anybody dares to question the Op about her choices we get told that we are slandering poor people & suggesting all poor people should have abortions.

But I think for a 4 month relationship, not working, obvious red flags in the father then it is ok to agree with the person who wanted to opt out & doesn’t want the child.

This post is about how can he get away with this ? But am not sure what you are expecting here. It was a short relationship & it’s completely understandable he wants no active role in this. Leave him alone & file the child support claim once they are born, or write him out. Either way you need to respect his decision.

I'm shocked at people virtually insisting the OP have an abortion and all to save the taxpayer some money.

Abortion can only ever be the choice of the woman in question, it is not a duty to the taxpayer.

I believe you know the answers already.
Nobody has the right to be vile to another.
If you agree for him to be not involved then I think you should consider not expecting CMA.
No one would want to live a life on benefits. You are facing a hard time for a while. I think you have enough to think about without others on here being bullying.
Just take a little more time to work out what YOU want and go from there. And since you have worked and paid your dues, if you need help from the govt to get back on your feet, you have earned the right t9 do so!
Good luck

I do hope Mandapea comes back.

prawnsword
Your post was great.

I also see user1486 has posted just above me and I think that post is also great.

Mandapea, we really care about you! Let us know how you're getting on.

I respect his decision. I’m not pestering him, I’m not going after him. I won’t open my mouth. I will keep his “little secret”.
I should have really worded my title of this thread different because I’m hindsight I was just hurt that he could turn his back on this. He was more than keen to try and win be back when I ended things which I didn’t want too but isn’t mature to actually have a conversation with me about how we go forward.

@28Daddystilllost "Sounds like you're projecting."

Shows what you know then doesn't it.

When it comes to pregnancy, women ultimately get the final say because the baby is in their body, which is obviously how it should be. However I don't agree that men should be forced to pay when they make it clear they didn't want a child. OP was on contraception that is 99.7% effective when taken properly. She didn't use it properly, making it ineffective, why should he pay the price.

I don't think OP should have an abortion she doesn't want, but nor do I think the man owes anything for a choice she will make.

I disagree entirely. Child support is for the child's sake, who has no choice in any of it. The child deserves at least financial support from the adults who created him or her. "I didn't want them" doesn't erase the reality of the child's needs.

OP, you shouldn't keep it a secret for the man - why should you? Don't shield him.

Listen, I may not think your choice is the best given your circumstances - a feckless father who sounds like he's been awful to you and with whom you have a turbulent relationship, a low income and another child to think about - but I am not against you or single mums in general at all.

Good lord are you serious?! It was his responsibility as much as hers to make sure he was protected too!

Well, unless he thought she was on the pill and was unaware of the sickness and/or the implications of that sickness.

It’s so strange how the Pill never works when you’ve got a bug but you’re still well enough to have sex.

The same excuse is always dished out on here. It’s a shame people can’t be honest on an anonymous forum.

What reason have I got to lie? And yes he was made aware of the sickness bug. And yes I was probably naive to think it would probably still work.

I wonder how many people on here have never tripped up and things haven’t got exactly the way they wanted. And I know the implications are massive. But I’m not one of these people who wants to live a life on benefits.

I’m going to stop justifying myself now because I’ve came on a forum and been made to feel a failure. No I’m not after sympathy either but I think people should realise ever words of strangers on the internet have an effect on people.

Thankyou all for the advice x

Hi mandapea I'm a mum to 6 children soon to be 7 when my last child was born I had to give up work as he had a condition called saggittal cranatosonosis I have 2 soon to be 3 children living with me as my others are grown up you will be fine he sounds like a prick he's going to miss out on your baby's milestones you will be there to see them and as a mum that's the best feeling in the world when baby is about a year old you could always do part time work and remember being a mummy is a full time job and the most rewarding job in the world I wish you all the best

@Mandapea check your inbox please I've PM you.

SpeakJive, I have actually known three cases of pregnancy when the woman was on the pill, when pregnancy was confirmed they thought back to any time they had a digestive upset.

In one case she was seeing a gynaecologist for some unpleasant and strange symptoms, who didn't diagnose a pregnancy until she was five months! All turned out well thankfully.

I get what you are saying but the women on here who have become pregnant unexpectedly whilst on the pill are usually the sort that can cope with what life brings but wouldn't have deliberately become pregnant.

I think some of the comments on this thread are vile. Someone takes the courage to come on to this forum to ask for help and support, and gets a right verbal kicking. Talk about kicking someone while they're down!
OP I am really sorry you've been subjected to such a response by some on here, it would appear that they think their taxes give them the right to bully. I pay taxes too, and I don't mind helping others out like yourself. Pay no mind to bullies you do what is right for you! All the negative comments come from people who would probably feel exactly the same as you, if in your shoes. If they say they have been we'll that's up to them. All circumstances are different. It's hard when people let you down, and show themselves to not be the person you think they are. This man is probably better out of yours and your children's lives, he doesn't appear to be the dependable supportive kind does he?
You just think of yourself and your children, do what's right for you. You say you have family support, and that's fantastic. Your children are not going to grow up in poverty, there may be lean/tough times, but you'll get through.
Take good care, and all the very best to you. Things will work out just fine. Big hugs xx

Good post Groovypeanut.

Op you don’t need to justify getting of accidentally. I think I read somewhere the average woman misses pills around 8 times a year. You are not alone in making a mistake with the pill.

All that should matter right now is what you want to do because it’s your choice. My df was brought up in real poverty and had a wonderful Dm who went without herself to give him things. It was hard at times but he is a wonderful dad himself and a great person. He would be the first person to say he’s way better off than someone brought up with a horrible dad and material wealth would be.

Op I’m afraid this isn’t a good bored to come to for help with stuff like this. There is a single parent board. You would get more support there.

Really sorry to hear you will be going it alone but you sound like a lovely mum and I’m sure your older child will be excited about the new baby

I hope that whatever you decide works out for you

I wouldn't want to be tied to someone like him, of course you must do what your heart tells you but you will have no support from him and nothing but resentment, is it really worth it?

How old are you OP?

He’s cold because he wasn’t emotionally invested in you after such a short time and didn’t want a baby with you, but you must know that. Women have always borne the consequences of unwanted pregnancies much more than men (especially if not married) so need to be extra careful with contraception. If you want to keep the baby, you can do but will have to go it alone and on benefits

Why do so many women infantilize men? If there is an unplanned pregnancy, it's always the women's fault and if she doesn't want an abortion, even more. Poor wee men, they need all the protection from us horrible women with their annoying children

@Mandapea I didn’t even know the pill wasn’t effective if you were sick! That’s so scary!

Congratulations on your pregnancy, just focus on you, your DS and bump for now xxx

So if you have a stomach bug or forget a few pills & are aware of this affecting its reliability, but don’t tell the partner because if he reallllly didn’t want an accident he would double up with condoms, then instead of acknowledging you knew there would be a higher risk but we’re open to a pregnancy you throw in his face “well if you don’t want kids wear a condom” is that not gaslighting ? Because I think that is gaslighting, because you are turning your actions onto the partner. It’s not ok to think this way

@vvbrownxo
I didn’t even know the pill wasn’t effective if you were sick! That’s so scary!

Are you on the pill? If so you should know this as it's quite important. I'm not on the pill so I dont know if it is in the insert that comes with the tablets? But I (think i ) know that if you are sick then it's less effective?

I’m not going after him. I won’t open my mouth. I will keep his “little secret”.

Why would you short change your DC this way? Your DC needs the CM - why would you allow them to have less?

Why would you keep the father of your DC a secret to save the blushes?drama? of his random ex who you don’t even know. Your child needs to be validated - this is the priority - there may well be blood relatives grandparents, half siblings, etc who may want a relationship with your DC even if the DF doesn’t at this time.

It’s hard to know what you actually want here though - he has red flags, you finished with him - but you want him to be an active part in your DC life? If he is that bad - he could continue to manipulate and abuse you through access and money (you might have experienced this with your first DC’s DF) and this could leave you v distressed 24/7 which your baby and existing DC will absorb. Only you can call how bad he is to know if he is a net positive or net negative in ALL of your lives.