Why does my wife keep me at arm's length from her friends?

[Smokedcheddar]

Hello all, this is the first time I've ever posted in Mumsnet - and it's because I'm hoping I can get some perspective on a relationship issue that I've never seen raised on this site before.

So I'm a man in his 40s, and my wife and I have been together for over 10 years. Generally our relationship is very good - however, one thing that's been a sticking point over the years is her apparent reluctance to involve me in any social situations with her friends.

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for the two of us not living in each other's pockets, and going off and doing our own thing sometimes.

In the case of my wife though we're not talking just 'sometimes' - it's actually pretty much 99% of the time... and after a decade together I find it a bit sad that I feel like I hardly know any of her friends.

I find the whole situation hard because I'm a naturally sociable person - and I've always believed being in a relationship was about sharing your life with the person you're with... including your friendships. Over the years I've certainly enjoyed including my wife in activities with my friends - through doing so I like to think that she's shared some rich experiences, and over the years my mates have grown to love her just as much as they love me.

For years I thought the situation with my wife's friends was because none of them liked me - over time though I've started to lean more towards the idea that it's actually my wife who wants to keep me at arm's length from them for some reason. Granted, finding time to socialise together has become harder over the last five years has become harder as we've had children - so for both of us, going out of an evening will often involve a solo excursion for one of us... while the other stays in with the kids.

As all parents know though, children don't necessarily have to spell the end of your social life. In my experience friendships just take on a different dynamic. In the case of my friends who also have kids, the time we spend together will more often than not include our respective children these days - whether it be playdates at our house or their house, or meet-ups at a soft play or park.

And in the case of my friends who don't have kids, they're generally quite respectful of fact that my wife and I don't have the freedom we once had to meet up with them for drinks or whatever - and will come round to our house to see us.

It's a totally different story with my wife though - pretty much all of her meet-ups with friends don't involve me in any way. It makes me sad - and I've tried to broach the issue with her on many occasions, but rarely get very far without her flying off the handle and accusing me of being unreasonable.

I think the thing that's most upsetting is not the fact that I'm missing out on being involved in a big part of my wife's life, but the principle of it. Whilst I appreciate that I've not painted the rosiest picture here with my focus on this sole issue, my wife's an amazing person - and I'm always proud every time I get to present the 2 of us to the world as a married couple. I'd love to believe that she feels the same way - but given the situation I've described, that seems like quite a big leap of faith.

I'd be really interested to know if anyone else has been in a similar situation with a partner - and if so, how you've dealt with it.

You sound a bit over invested in hanging out with her friends. I love my DH but I don't especially want him to hang out with my friends, having a man around changes the dynamic. You can't comfortably talk about things like relationship issues, womens health matters, or whether Thor or Captain America is the hottest Avenger.

My dh doesn’t come along with me if I’m meeting my friends. He’s been a few times, but they’re not his friends, they’re mine. We catch up on things and I can let off steam without dh being there.
Dh sees his friends separately too. A hell of a lot more than me.
My dh stays home with dds if I’m out and vice versa. It works for us.

My husband has his friends and I have my friends and I really prefer it that way. I would hate to have "couple" friends, it is my idea of hell.

Why do you need to see her friends? I’d be a bit concerned if you were my husband. I keep my friends separate. This is because in the past I didn’t and it went wrong. I actively encouraged my partner to get to know my girlfriends and he slept with one of them! The general advice amongst women is keep your bloke away from your friends because men can’t be trusted. So you’re probably not going to find much sympathy here.

My husband has never met my best friend. She lives an hour away so it's not like I see her all the time, but they've never met. I've only met her husband twice - once at their wedding (my husband and I eloped so they didn't come to ours) and once briefly in passing when I picked her up from her house. It's not because either of us is ashamed of our husbands, or is hiding something or doesn't love them etc, it's just our friendship is ours and predates both our relationships with our husbands. When we meet we want to be able to talk about anything with total honesty without judgement or worrying what a man thinks. And we want to be able to talk about our husbands!! I have a few other friends who although they have met my husband in passing he is never invited to actually come out and do activities with us. I just like having something that is my own. And I also think he'd find some of my friends tiresome - the things I like about them aren't things he'd particularly like about them. He has a large group of friends that have all known each other for years and tend to socialise as a group. Wives and girlfriends get invited on nights out sometimes and I'll occasionally go if he really wants me to and l make a good effort once I'm there but in all honesty I'd rather be at home watching tv! They're his friends and they have their in jokes and history etc and although they're pleasant enough I wouldn't choose them as my friends. I don't see why people automatically assume their spouse would or should enjoy spending time with their friends. My ex husband was very much like that and everything we did was as a 'we' and he'd act all hurt feelings if I planned things without him. I found it very needy and suffocating and was one of the things that contributed to me ending the marriage. If I were you I would try to stop worrying about it. Don't think it reflects badly on your relationship or her feelings for you. She's probably just enjoying something that gives her a sense of self and independence from the marriage. You might not feel the need to have that but it's not unreasonable of her to want it. Don't spoil it for her or make her feel bad.

Nomore IME that is total bollocks!

I think it might be that her friends are a group of "girlfriends" though, so adding a man would throw off the dynamic (mmm, Thor...), rather than a couple / family friend dynamic. Do the other women have partners and children? Do they go along? If they don't, that is why you don't either- one lone partner coming would be weird. You could try turning them into "family" friends if they have families by suggesting meeting at a weekend thing for example, but there may be a reason why this group doesn't do this- eg not all the kids get on, or one partner is out of step with the others. If the other partners are included, then I don't know- unless you are oldre/younger/different wealth/class/educstion/politics and she thinks it won't "gel"?

When you have small children, practicality often means that you see friends separately rather than as a couple. However, I do find it odd that she never once invited you out with her friends before you had children.

If other husbands go along to your DW's social circle meetings then you are right to be put out.
If it's always female only then bringing a man along scupper things and they wouldn't go as well so I can understand her leaving you at home.
As the DCs grow things will change - you don't say how old they are but you will be taking a child to sport, swimming etc and have less time for individual socialising. You also don't say how long this has gone on but I find over time that people move away, and illness, family commitments get in the way of friendship groups so things might change anyway.

I don't find it odd at all that he never invited her husband out with her female friends before they had children. If a friendship group is all women it ruins the dynamic if one has a tag-along velcro boyfriend they can't leave at home - nobody wants that. Lots of people keep single sex friendship groups seperate from coupledom, because they aren't egotistical enough to ruin the group's social life by insisting their boyfriend/ partner join a female group.

Where friendship groups are mixed sex from the beginning it is a little less clear why a boyfriend/ partner would change the dynamic, except where nobody else ever brings partners/ boy or girlfriends or siblings/ random other new friends and the group all met at the same time and have ling shared history (a group of uni or six form friends which has never included couples).

Obviously it would be a bit odd if the friendship group now socialised as families in the daytime, the OP's wife is taking their children to these gatherings and the OP is the only husband not invited - that's the only situation in which it'd be clear she's ashamed of him

I think meeting your partner's friends on an individual basis is a normal thing - perhaps just to say hello when one stops by or coincidentally when out as a couple. However expecting to be invited out as part of a single sex group when you are the opposite sex is egotistical and inappropriate.

I keep my friends separate, too. The purpose, for me, of meeting my friends is to talk to them. And that includes about my husband, if I want to. So he doesn’t get invited. He’d be bored, and cramp our style.

However, my husband meets friends specifically for the purpose of ‘doing something’, like a sport, or going to a concert. I am often invited too, as I might well want to join in the activity... but I usually don’t go. It’s good for us both to do things separately.

I have a group of girl friends and we always meet up without other halves. My husband has met them but only in party situations and not when we go out as a group of friends.

Another one here who specializes with her gfs on her own. We don't have any couple friends, I make friends through the kids activities and we go out (or stay in) for a couple of glasses of wine and a chat. If my husband happens to be there (for example if they come to me) it changes the whole dynamic, and we end up talking about different things. I love my husband very much but he has no place in these get together a

I also do not take DH out with me when seeing my friends !!
If it’s a ‘couples’ event then yes, but if I’m meeting my friends I don’t want him there !!!!
Doesn’t mean I’m devaluing him, just means I’m spending time with my friends !!

Are you quite insecure and controlling? If her friends partners aren't coming it would be weird as hell for you to tag along with her and her friends. She's allowed down time and a social life without you.

Very few people Male or female would take the stance you take. I'd maybe think of your motivations. Your real motivations.

Because everything she does does not have to involve you. Going out with her friends gives her a break from both them and you.

I think you need to get some friends of your own.
My husband doesn't tag along when I meet my friends unless it's a 'couples' night out.
I think you're being a bit weird about it

Sorry, I find it odd. So you never met her friends?
I was married for 20 something years, at some point we both met each other’s friends. I kept my group of friends to myself, but there were occasions where we all met up, of course.

Don’t you sometimes go out and bump into people and introduce them to each other?

Hmmm

I think it depends on the scope of it.

My ex husband once told me that I wasnt invited to a Bbq that his friend and his wife were holding. I was devastated ( there were loads of couples there). I eventually found out he had a crush on someone who went.

Another ex very often liked to keep me away from events ( mixed sex, I would be invited) because he loves the attention of women, and I cramped his style.

So- if she is deliberately not inviting you to events where other husbands/ partners are attending, then you have a problem.

If she just wants to hang out with her friends, then seriously, it's ok that she wants to do it on her own. It's not unreasonable to want to meet them, but it IS unreasonable to want to hang out with them all the time.

My dh and I keep our friends separate. After 16 years together I could count on one hand the number of times we've mixed and its usually weddings or christening where you're all invited anyway. My girlfriends and I like it to be just us and my husband’s and his friends are the same. I think in your case there is just a mismatch of how and with whom you like to socialise. I don't think there is anything wrong in either way, it’s ust preference. My brother and sil tend to always socialise together with friends - it’s both their preference and works for them.

I wouldn't massively recommend trying to change the set up as I would feel pressured if my dh tried to include himself with my friends and that's not going to make for a fun evening. It would also put pressure on my girlfriends as they don't include their dh’s either (assume your wife’s friends also do this?). I think you will just have to accept that your wife likes to spend time with friends alone and maybe do more things as a couple if you enjoy being out and about? My me, it has nothing do with his much I love my dh or enjoy spending time with him, its just that my girlfriend time is usually spent openly chatting about personal things and we just wouldn't feel able to do that with husbands we don't know as well around so would change the whole dynamic.

I have to eco what others have already said. If it’s the girls meeting up then it’s right you’re not invited but if other partners are going I can see why you are upset.

I regularly meet my girlfriends just us girls but the boys are almost always invited for nights out, parties, weddings etc. My ex had a very sociable group of friends who would also meet up with wives and gfs but my DH doesn’t have a large group of friends, he has individual mates so whilst I’ve met most of them, I very rarely get invited along.

I couldn’t imagine my partner wanting to be round my gaggle of female friends while we spoke about smear tests, piles, latest wrinkle creams and fanny farts.

I agree with other posters, if none of her other friends are bringing their partners then it’s just a group of ladies meeting up and having a chinwag about all sorts and a man being there would kind of change the dynamics.

I don’t think you should be too concerned.

My best friend has been with her boyfriend for 8 years. I've never met him.

I've been with DP for 6 years and he's met my friends when they've come to our house etc but he's never been out with me and them because they're completely different people and just wouldn't get on in that way.

I have to say, I find that a bit odd that you don't know them at all after all this time - do they never come to the house?

My dp and I are pretty friendly with each other's friends. Some I would now hang out with alone, some only with him, or as couples. The odd friend I would never go see, even with him, as we're just not compatible. So it's a mixture.

Pretty much the same story as Saving for a rainyday
Not invited because the EA woman was there.

If her friends are mainly women and they’re meeting up one to one or in groups of women, that’s probably their custom and ALL the blokes are excluded!

Stranger if other partners are there.

You could suggest having a couple over, with their partners if they have them, for a meal at yours sometime.