Why does my wife keep me at arm's length from her friends?

[Smokedcheddar]

Hello all, this is the first time I've ever posted in Mumsnet - and it's because I'm hoping I can get some perspective on a relationship issue that I've never seen raised on this site before.

So I'm a man in his 40s, and my wife and I have been together for over 10 years. Generally our relationship is very good - however, one thing that's been a sticking point over the years is her apparent reluctance to involve me in any social situations with her friends.

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for the two of us not living in each other's pockets, and going off and doing our own thing sometimes.

In the case of my wife though we're not talking just 'sometimes' - it's actually pretty much 99% of the time... and after a decade together I find it a bit sad that I feel like I hardly know any of her friends.

I find the whole situation hard because I'm a naturally sociable person - and I've always believed being in a relationship was about sharing your life with the person you're with... including your friendships. Over the years I've certainly enjoyed including my wife in activities with my friends - through doing so I like to think that she's shared some rich experiences, and over the years my mates have grown to love her just as much as they love me.

For years I thought the situation with my wife's friends was because none of them liked me - over time though I've started to lean more towards the idea that it's actually my wife who wants to keep me at arm's length from them for some reason. Granted, finding time to socialise together has become harder over the last five years has become harder as we've had children - so for both of us, going out of an evening will often involve a solo excursion for one of us... while the other stays in with the kids.

As all parents know though, children don't necessarily have to spell the end of your social life. In my experience friendships just take on a different dynamic. In the case of my friends who also have kids, the time we spend together will more often than not include our respective children these days - whether it be playdates at our house or their house, or meet-ups at a soft play or park.

And in the case of my friends who don't have kids, they're generally quite respectful of fact that my wife and I don't have the freedom we once had to meet up with them for drinks or whatever - and will come round to our house to see us.

It's a totally different story with my wife though - pretty much all of her meet-ups with friends don't involve me in any way. It makes me sad - and I've tried to broach the issue with her on many occasions, but rarely get very far without her flying off the handle and accusing me of being unreasonable.

I think the thing that's most upsetting is not the fact that I'm missing out on being involved in a big part of my wife's life, but the principle of it. Whilst I appreciate that I've not painted the rosiest picture here with my focus on this sole issue, my wife's an amazing person - and I'm always proud every time I get to present the 2 of us to the world as a married couple. I'd love to believe that she feels the same way - but given the situation I've described, that seems like quite a big leap of faith.

I'd be really interested to know if anyone else has been in a similar situation with a partner - and if so, how you've dealt with it.

If this was a woman saying the exact same situation about her husband, there would be out try, lots of LTB and plenty more OW is there.

Bullshit. It'd be the same advice.

Would it fuck be the same advice. Mumsnet is ridiculously gender biased (not surprising based on the audience and their experiences which bring them here in the first place) but still not a neutral place where a man can get advice.
It's dangerous how someone vulnerable can have such negative reinforcement based on if they are he or she

No. I disagree. I see a lot of people insist that there's a sex bias bit I just don't see it. Mumsnet is as likely to hand a woman her arse for playing the victim.

@baileys6904 my (male) DP has many friends, both male and female, who I haven't met or don't spend time with because they're his friends, not our friends.

I have friends who I spend time with and he doesn't, because they're my friends.

We have friends who WE spend time with because they're OUR friends.

I don't see why you think this is a sexist issue.

Has your DW ever been cheated on? The only woman I know who keeps her girlfriends and her DH far, far apart does so because her Ex had affairs with two of her friends.

She has a better class of friend now (me for one ), and I can't imagine her devoted current DP letting her down but she can't forget those past betrayals.

Depends on the meet ups, if it's all women then you are BU. She is allowed her own friends and it would be odd for you to be the only partner to attend.

If it's a meet up with other husband's invited then she BU, my ex did this to me and I was heartbroken and felt like he was ashamed of me, him not wanting me to attend a friend's wedding when he had a +1 was the nail in the coffin for that relationship.

So, it totally depends on the type of occasion she's going to.

I keep my friends separate because I have a history with them and we have our own dynamic and I like to feel relaxed. I don't try mix my college friends with my works friends as it wouldn't work so I don't like to mix in DH for the same reason. My DH is like you but I try to encourage separate interests. He wants couple things all the time. Different view points that's all.

... have you asked her what's up?

You have multiple ideas about why you dont get invited to hang out with your friends but I couldn't see a reference to you actually communicating with her about this.

If you have asked, what was her reaction?

I agree with a pp that that was a whole lot of words to explain you're pissed off that your dw won't obey you. Weird.

It's a red flag.
Don't ask me about the +1. He took one of the friends I'd never met.

It might just be that it's an all women thing but if you are excluded from everything, including social media groups, then keep your eyes open.

Reading some of these replies has actually put my mind at ease from my most recent break up (sorry for slight hijack). I hadn't met his friends after a year and a half together, for various reasons e.g. I was busy, and actually he stopped inviting me after a few times when I said i was busy... but this got completely thrown in my face by him as one of his excuses for cheating (he ran off with a friend of his friends, maybe it would have helped if I'd met them!)
It reassures me that there's people that haven't met friends after longer than we were together and it's not a major "thing" in some relationships as actually I wasn't too bothered as they are his friends, he met mine but more from circumstance as they had more parties/couples meeting things whereas his friends didn't.
I think I'm rambling a bit trying to get my head around what I want to say but I think it has made me feel a little better about it all :)

I don't go out with friends and dh. Tbh I love seeing my girlfriends as girlfriends and would probably bore the hell out of my dh if he came. I think it's normal ? Just because you invite your wife doesn't necessarily mean she has to reciprocate. The only exception may be as a couple to weddings maybe.

How did I deal with the man complaining that he wasn't invited to come along when I saw my friends?

Easy. I dumped him.

Yes adding a man in to a bunch of women changes the dynamic.

Or maybe she loves you and loves her friends but knows that if you got to know each other, you wouldnt "get" each other and it'd be awkward for her.

There are a lot of assumptions that the wife's friends are exclusively female but that need not be the case.
I have more male friends than female yet still wouldn't want my husband tagging along when I meet with them.

Meeting with my friends is my opportunity to kick back a little and to catch up with what's going on in their lives. It's my time. I neither need nor want to involve my partner in that.
I can talk to him any time! Having someone there who wasn't part of the friendship circle way back when you met changes the dynamic considerably. A lot of the time would be spent explaining why something was so funny, or the background to the story, which makes meet ups far less enjoyable.

But most importantly, your wife is an individual. She doesn't have to answer as to why she prefers to chill with her friends on her terms, she doesn't need to keep worrying about you feeling left out of the conversation, she doesn't have to feel that she can't say certain things because you're there. She needs and is entitled to a life of her own outside of marriage, which can sometimes be a stifling existence.

Don’t buy into the nonsense from people who claim they’re totally fine with their spouse never meeting their best friend. Maybe they’re okay with it, but I call BS. Seriously, a best friend and a wedding? You’re telling me they didn’t invite their bestie to the main event of their life? Sure, Jan. And let’s not even get started on what the husband thinks about all this.
Now, I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt—you’re not the guy losing his mind over your wife hitting up the occasional all-girls gathering. Let’s be honest, sometimes those things are fun for them, and for us, it’s a headache we’re happy to avoid. But most of the time, it’s not just girls there, is it? There are other husbands, boyfriends, whatever.
So here’s how it played out for me. At some point, my wife started going to these birthdays and hangouts where everyone else brought their partner along—except me. She’d even take the kids, but not me. A couple of times, I played along, stayed home, and did my thing. But then I thought, screw this. Why am I sitting around like a sad puppy while she’s out having fun? So I flipped the script.
The next time she was heading out, I got myself ready too. She went out? Cool, so did I. And you better believe that didn’t sit well. When she asked why I came home late, I hit her with, “Well, honey, you didn’t tell me when you were coming back, so I figured I’d entertain myself.”
And yeah, I died a little inside every time she went out without me. But eventually? Things evened out. Now it’s a little more civil. Balance, my friend—it’s all about balance.