Why does my wife keep me at arm's length from her friends?

[Smokedcheddar]

Hello all, this is the first time I've ever posted in Mumsnet - and it's because I'm hoping I can get some perspective on a relationship issue that I've never seen raised on this site before.

So I'm a man in his 40s, and my wife and I have been together for over 10 years. Generally our relationship is very good - however, one thing that's been a sticking point over the years is her apparent reluctance to involve me in any social situations with her friends.

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for the two of us not living in each other's pockets, and going off and doing our own thing sometimes.

In the case of my wife though we're not talking just 'sometimes' - it's actually pretty much 99% of the time... and after a decade together I find it a bit sad that I feel like I hardly know any of her friends.

I find the whole situation hard because I'm a naturally sociable person - and I've always believed being in a relationship was about sharing your life with the person you're with... including your friendships. Over the years I've certainly enjoyed including my wife in activities with my friends - through doing so I like to think that she's shared some rich experiences, and over the years my mates have grown to love her just as much as they love me.

For years I thought the situation with my wife's friends was because none of them liked me - over time though I've started to lean more towards the idea that it's actually my wife who wants to keep me at arm's length from them for some reason. Granted, finding time to socialise together has become harder over the last five years has become harder as we've had children - so for both of us, going out of an evening will often involve a solo excursion for one of us... while the other stays in with the kids.

As all parents know though, children don't necessarily have to spell the end of your social life. In my experience friendships just take on a different dynamic. In the case of my friends who also have kids, the time we spend together will more often than not include our respective children these days - whether it be playdates at our house or their house, or meet-ups at a soft play or park.

And in the case of my friends who don't have kids, they're generally quite respectful of fact that my wife and I don't have the freedom we once had to meet up with them for drinks or whatever - and will come round to our house to see us.

It's a totally different story with my wife though - pretty much all of her meet-ups with friends don't involve me in any way. It makes me sad - and I've tried to broach the issue with her on many occasions, but rarely get very far without her flying off the handle and accusing me of being unreasonable.

I think the thing that's most upsetting is not the fact that I'm missing out on being involved in a big part of my wife's life, but the principle of it. Whilst I appreciate that I've not painted the rosiest picture here with my focus on this sole issue, my wife's an amazing person - and I'm always proud every time I get to present the 2 of us to the world as a married couple. I'd love to believe that she feels the same way - but given the situation I've described, that seems like quite a big leap of faith.

I'd be really interested to know if anyone else has been in a similar situation with a partner - and if so, how you've dealt with it.

Need more information, is this ‘couple’ friends and you are excluded or is it ‘girlfriends’?

I have been married over 30 years yet DH and I have very few ‘shared’ friends, can’t really remember the last time we went out with another couple. I see my friends a lot, we have a big community project that we are involved in, DH not really interested in it, I have other friends to go out for coffee or a meal with, we go to the cinema, theatre, walking etc. I wouldn’t dream of inviting my DH to tag along, nor would be want to .

If they come to the house there is always a friendly hello on both sides but we would choose to sit on another room for our meeting/catch up.

Likewise I have no interest in spending time with my DH’s friends.

We did have a Christmas drinks party last year and the split in friends was quite obvious .

I never used to involve my ex h with my friends because he was an incessant talker, and not always interesting.
your lengthy OP makes me wonder if that's the issue here?
or could just be that she doesn't get to see her friends that often, so she wants to focus on them when she does get the chance.

You tagging along to an all female meet up - not normal.

You not being invited if it’s a couples meet up - also not normal

I’d say out of every meet up I have my dh is there for 1/15 or so. Most of my meet ups are meals or coffees and no one brings there partners

Occasionally there is a birthday party or b que and then dh will come

He goes out with his mates alone or we do something as a family but that because his friends have kids that get on with our kids.

MaYbe you need to suggest a meal out with another couple or host an event at yours?

My DH does not tag along when I meet my friends. Why should he? I have a bloody good laugh and we talk about our usual stuff and it's the way we all prefer it. Cut her some slack.

So you dont want to be at arms length to her friends, you want to be closer.
Closer to your wifes friends.

What about her friends?
Do they get a say in who they spend time with or should they just budge up for you?

You dont seem very self aware.

Also you sound like my brother. His wife can't breathe without him being involved. She only gets to see her old long term friends when he is now present. Horrendous!

Jesus, that's a lot of flowery language to impress the importance of you getting your own way.

With my best friend, weve been friends for years, travelled together, shared many many times together and I love her dearly.. now she is in a relationship we dont get to spend any time without her partner.. it is very frustrating. However, there is more to this, I believe hes abusive but that would a whole other thread, and because of that I feel I have to grin and bear it to as not isolate her further.

I am all for involving partners in friendships, but not at every opportunity.

Because they're her friends.

and hard to have a midlife crisis in your 40s and run off with her best friend if you don't know them.

It's interesting how when my DDs marriage ended, how many of her ex's male friends started contacting her right away.

Agree with others - it depends if the other partners are invited. If it's just you left out then fair enough to be upset, otherwise this sounds fine.

Jesus, that's a lot of flowery language to impress the importance of you getting your own way.

I was thinking this too! OP when you say she flies off the handle and says you're being unreasonable, what exact words does she use? Does she find you controlling at all?

It depends on their meet ups really.
Is it all female get togethers?
If so, then you shouldn't be there.
Are her friends single or in relationships?
My friends are single, as am I, and I'd hate for a male to be with us when we get together. It would change everything.

You say that it's not an issue that has ever been raised before on MN but of course it has - from a woman's perspective.

Along the lines of - "my partner gets upset when I go out with my friends and wants to tag along all the time"

It's usually part of a pattern whereby the women then gradually stops seeing friends because it's too much aggro

Surprised at many of the responses and people having distinctly separate friends. Whatever happened to the mantra
if you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends?

There seem to be a lot of women who mistrust their DHs, or their friends! While a lot of my old friends live quite far away, so I only see them a few times a year, I thought it was really important for DH to meet and get on with them when we got together (and my friends were closer distance-wise then) and also to know what my friends thought of him.

OP you sound so terrifyingly reasonable that I'm fairly sure that you're not :)

This is the way it works for lots of people.

If all her friends are female then no, of course she won't want you on their get-togethers. And I suspect that they are - if they habitually went on nights out that included boyfriends, husbands, male friends - but YOU were left out - no way would you have omitted that from your OP

She has an established set of friendships that she wants to maintain as they are. That's a good thing. Sounds like both of you were 'adults' for a while before you got together if you're in your 40s and it's only been just over ten years - so she will quite rightly have strong friendships and a sense of individual identity which predates your relationships. Sounds like you don't really like that very much. If so, more fool you. There's more than a hint of propriety in your post - ' I'm always proud every time I get to present the 2 of us to the world as a married couple' - eek. No. I can kind of imagine the 'reasoned arguments' you must raise on why you can't gatecrash her girls' nights out - I'll just say that I'd end up flying right off the handle too.

Back off!

And I hardly think the OP sounds controlling. He has never met his DW's friends at all which I find weird on her part, he doesn't seem to be asking to tag along all the time, nor has insisted on this, or at any rate his DW clearly has a say in the matter!

Whatever happened to the mantra
if you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends?

The 11 year old girls who were the Spice Girls' fan base matured into grown women who enjoy having different types of relationships/social circles?

OP, my main group of friends is a bunch of women who have known each other 20-35 years. Unless it's a wedding, we almost exclusively meet as an all-female group. This is normal. It is quite difficult for anyone new (and yes, 10 years counts as 'new' in comparison to 35 years) to really gel into a group that longstanding, and having a bloke tag along ruins the dynamic.

One friend has a DH who was useless when the kids were small and would pitch up to any meeting after an hour or so, claiming that the child(ren) couldn't cope without their mother. He would then launch in with irrelevant comments because he couldn't contribute to the conversations which had already started, so would try to change them to suit him.

The rest of us were never quite sure whether our friend actually invited him to join us, or not. He really fucking irritated all of us, though.

Don't be that guy.

shearwater it's not compulsory to take spice girls bubble gum pop lyrics as a life long mantra... The minority have suggested lack of trust as a reason for keeping boyfriends/ partners and groups of female friends seperately - the vast majority are pointing out how tag along partners ruin the dynamics of all female friendship groups.

Nobody wants Claire's Nigel at their girls night in/ out.

If this was a woman saying the exact same situation about her husband, there would be out try, lots of LTB and plenty more OW is there.

OP, I think you have a point and should speak toy our wife although after 10 years k dont think much will change. I think part of a relationship is the other persons friends and the joint dinners or get togethers or family day outs. It combining lives as well as having separate entities.

For future reference, if you want some actual advice from mumsnet, pretend you're female and you'll find theres much more sympathy and anger on your behalf

He has never met his DW's friends at all which I find weird on her part

Sheesh here we go again.

Here's a helpful cut and paste from the ACTUAL op -

it's actually pretty much 99% of the time... and after a decade together I find it a bit sad that I feel like I hardly know any of her friends.

He's met them. He just isn't invited on their girly nights out and hasn't got to make them his friends too. Which he doesn't like. But no she's not weird for not letting him even meet her friends, because he HAS met them.

If you wanted to go out with them I'd think that was odd but I find you never having met them weird. My first thought would be that she's having an affair and all her friends know.

baileys6904 that's nonsense. People claim that on every thread started by a man. Men are actually given an easier ride and credit for far less - given praise and told they're "lovely" for doing the absolute minimum, even for thinking about or wanting to be around their children and spouse, in situations where women are torn to shreds...

If a man had a male best friend or long standing set group of male friends who he socialised with no woman with any self respect would push into that group as sole tag along girlfriend and insist on being invited when no other girlfriends or wives were.

Women are generally socialised not to push in where they're not wanted and men are socialised to believe that they are/ should be welcome everywhere.

The amount of stories I've read (or been told first hand) where a woman's close "friend" and her husband ran off together or a woman lost all her own friends following a marriage breakup in the name of "not taking sides" let's invite John and OW to dinner, Jane won't mind...I can absolutely see why she's keeping her own friends as her own friends. Clever woman.

If she meets with her girlfriends without their DPs or DHs being there, then you are completely and utterly 100% BU.

She wants some part of her life separate from you and she's entitled to it.

Speaking from the other side, if I were one of your DW's girlfriends, I'd have no interest whatsoever in you joining our social meetings, no sirree.

If you go out enough as a couple, either alone or with other couples, groups etc, that's enough.

YABU unless there's something you've not said.