Concerned for marriage and poor sex life

[Concernedhusband1]

Hi all,

Seeking a little bit of advice regarding my marriage and loss of any type of sexual spark. I have been with my now wife for 11 years (married 6) since we were both 18 having met at university and I love her dearly, though I am really concerned for our future.

She is wonderful in pretty much all ways however we've always had a challenging sex life. I was her first and intercourse has always been very painful for her, however after trying half a dozen or so times in the early days of our relationship we kind of gave up on the idea and managed to meet our needs through other methods. I was generally OK with this and always felt that sex should be mutually enjoyable so wouldn't want her to be in pain. We also assumed that things would improve.

Over the years however we've gone from being intimate maybe a few times a week down to barely once a month. I have tried to talk about and admittedly have been at times naggy and frustrated, though by and large I don't mention it and I am a few times (I have only ever mentioned it seriously about 4 times in 8 years) am usually supportive and do my best to be understanding, however she just doesn't seem to want to discuss the matter. Responses have ranged from denying any problem, to crying, to saying we'll make an effort to even pretending she hasn't heard me. I have tried to seek clarity on if she is happy and I just seem to get nothing back.

My ow and feelings have switched from frustration, to sadness and I am now at a point where I just feel ambivalent and as if I don't care, and that is a bit frightening. She mentioned the other days I seem to have withdrawn from her which admittedly I have been but I know telling her the truth (that I'm fed up of being rejected so have lost the will with it) is only going to upset her.

I'm worried for a host of reasons as outside of sex she is wonderful in every way, though I do feel hurt and rejected. I am also concerned about the future as we're both only in our late 20s and have no children, so I can't imagine where we can go if ever we do have kids. I also worry as she would like to start a family in a few years but doesn't seem to see the massive elephant in the room that we can't do the physical act, seemingly barely do anything intimate and can't even talk about it.

Any views or thoughts welcome to a desperate husband who loves his wife and doesn't want to give up, but doesn't know where to turn

This isn't within her control to fix, without intervention and support. First step is to go to the GP. It's not normal to find sex so painful, and she must have a pretty miserable existence to have this condition and get no help with it.

Thanks for replying. I did recommend this several times when we were young but at the time didn't want to put too much pressure on her as she was inexperienced and I didn't want her to think I didn't value to other aspects of intimacy. As intimacy also become increasingly scarce I also haven't wanted to risk ruining the moments by pressuring her to try something she previously found painful (hope this makes sense). To clarify too, my concern isn't mainly about the physical act of penis is vagina per say, but the disinterest in any type of intimacy and inability to talk about it as a couple. The physiology of having children in the future is part of it but not the crux

I think it is reasonable to say you are unhappy and unfulfilled and believe she must be too - and that she needs to get some advice (for her own sake - not just so you can penetrate her obviously). Whatever is making sex painful, whether physical psychological or both, will doubtless be affecting her enjoyment of other forms of intimacy too.
There are things that can be done. The GP would refer her onwards.

I think I need to face up and have the difficult conversation you're right and I agree about gp too. I do wonder if it's psychological as she managed the smear fine, or if it would even be an issue now (last time we tried full penetrative sex was about 8 years ago). On the occasions we are initmate she seems to enjoy it and tell tale physical signs are there. She's naturally shy and comes from a closed family so I think that's a factor too, though ultimately such can be destructive. I appreciate your comments

"She mentioned the other days I seem to have withdrawn from her which admittedly I have been but I know telling her the truth (that I'm fed up of being rejected so have lost the will with it) is only going to upset her.:

The only way sexual issues like this, whether physical pain or lack of desire, can be resolved is by talking, and talking about them. Talking even if it embarrasses both of you. If you can't talk in great detail about them, nothing's going to change.

There seems to be some combination of several problems here - pain, lack of desire and embarrassment about sex. You'll have to accept you might have to leave her. She simply might have fallen out of love with you, and that's hard to rekindle. Start off by telling her you won't remain in an essentially sexless marriage. Say it not as a threat, but as a matter of fact.

There are a whole load of physical things that can cause painful sex, and there are ways to gradually improve them. Vaginismus seems likely here, though not the only possibility. Smears are done with smaller equipment than a man provides, with lots of lubricant and by a (hopefully) skilled medical prof. If she has experienced pain previously there is likely to be a strong psychological resistance too which she won't feel she has any control over. I think wanting (if she does) to continue in a relationship with you and especially if she wants children might be motivating in terms of trying to address this now. I would not say "fix it or I leave" as I don't that pressure would help but I would let her know if she doesn't try to address it for her own sake you will both be a lot less happy than you could be.
She may not be aware that other women experience this too. It could of course be linked to an earlier trauma so do tread carefully.

I think that's it. I certainly don't want it to be the end of my marriage but it does have to be discussed as feelings of rejection and loneliness only build further resentment. Best said in a calm and considered way then at a time when feeling angry or hurt

Hi OP
I would tell her that for her own health she should see a GP. I did as I had pain and it was one of the reasons why they suspected endometriosis and PCOS, both not scary and manageable conditions.

It was always at the back of my mind, the pain, and I started walking away from intimacy.

I would also suggest couple counselling or sex therapy

Best of luck.

I echo what PP's have said. If she wants to have a family, then this is a big issue. Talking to GP and then taking it from there. As long as she is trying to work out her issues, I would not put any additional pressure, even by bringing it up, unless she mentions it first

Imo your wife sounds like a lesbian.

A really helpful comment there, but alas there is always one isn't there

@Treesthemovie hmm wouldn't be my first assumption. More likely a physical or psychological issue.

Don't know why no one is considering it as a possibility. She sounds completely sexually uninterested in you

I'm the wife in this situation. Not 100% the same don't worry I'm not your actual wife!

I find sex painful and always have. I have had lots of smear tests but I do find these very painful too and just have to grit my teeth and try not to scream.

I also have zero libido. I used to when I was younger but nothing now (and I'm 37 so should be in my sexual prime apparently).

I'm not the same as your wife in that I would be open to talking about it with my husband, except we talked about it to begin with but haven't now for a couple of years. I think we've both just accepted how things are?

Then again he might not have and I just don't know because he isn't saying anything.

I think you need to sit her down for a proper talk - where she can't pretend not to hear you and be very clear about how much of an issue it is for you.

I understand you don't want to pester but equally it is fine for you to want to be intimate with your wife and for you to want a relationship with intimacy.

Perhaps as part of this conversation you need to discuss her a) seeing a GP about the pain and b) seeing a specialist relationship counsellor.

You need to be very clear about how important this is to you though.

Don't dismiss what Treesthemovie has to say.
It is something we would suggest if the sexes were reversed.
In fact it would have mentioned loads by now.
It's a definite possibility (I love the irony of that saying)

But OP, I really think it's ultimatum time.
You've lived without penetrative sex for 8 years!
If she won't see the GP or a sex therapist then you need to consider separation.
You can't go on like this.
The resentment is already building.
It knocks your confidence and self-esteem.
Time for a serious, calm chat.
And yes, I would suggest that she considers her sexuality as well!
Be open to that and don't judge her.

I don't think the issue is her sexuality to be frank and as mentioned earlier we were happy with other aspects of intimacy outside of penetrative sex and enjoy it on the occasions we are intimate. Yes it makes having children difficult and I wish we did do it but any upset I have is based on lack of interest. I honestly don't think my wife is a closet lesbian

Thank you @whereismymojo I appreciate your response

She has never had any interest in penetrative sex and now at the grand age of her late twenties has no interest in any kind of sex...

I'm just saying that the possibility of her being a lesbian is something that should be considered not blanket ruled out. Along with other stuff eg depression, naturally having low sex drive, trauma.

Those are, of course, other possibilities. However she has no interest in sorting this out, as whenever you bring it up, she changes subject. This says a lot

You want her to change but people only change when one of the following is present

A) They possess a strong (obsessive even) internal drive to change, or
B) They experience an extreme intervening, external event that forces them to change.

From the sound of it, your wife lacks A. You cannot instill that in her. Your only hope is B. You would need to shock her into recognising that there is a major issue, owning the fact that she has prolonged and deepened the effects of it and cause her to realise the current and future consequences of perpetuating the current situation. That’s a fairly harsh thing to have to do and with that in mind, I disagree that endless talking and endless empathy will help. It hasn’t so far, has it, and it been 11 years.

Having issues with sex, physical or psychological is one thing. Refusing flat out to do anything about it to the lifelong detriment of your spouse is quite another. In fact, her stonewalling, crying, denial, failing to follow through on promises and selective hearing all point to one thing: manipulation. I’d concede that this is probably subconscious rather than intentional but it’s manipulation all the same - she shuts down the debate because she doesn’t want to have it. That’s not a good sign.

Sorry if this is a weird thing to say but have you had sex when you are drunk? If she is shy and there is a psychological problem, perhaps it would help to be a bit sozzled and relax (including her vagina)?

You sound like a nice and considerate person and I think you have the patience of a saint. However, one day you'll wake up 50 and realise you haven't had proper sex for decades. Perhaps she thinks you are fine with this and would never actually leave her hence the unwillingness to try and sort it out with a doctor or a therapist.

We have and as it did when we tried to have penetrative sex sober it ended in tears of pain. I kind of accepted penetrative sex may be an issue when we got married and having children aside had accepted seeing I enjoy being intimate in other ways. What I didn't expect however was to be be intimate once ever 6 weeks when in my 20s.

Lots of good advice and food for thought

So your marriage has not even been consummated in the traditional sense? I hadn't fully realised how young you both are. This shouldn't be the end of your sex lives for either of you.

@Pandainmyporridge no not in the traditional sense. I guess I have always been of the mindset no sex (as in penis I'm vagina and excluding any other form of intimacy) whilst not ideal is better then sex with someone who simply is in pain and discomfort to point of tears. Plus the selfish side of me hasn't wanted to risk ruining the moments of intimacy (once every 6 weeks isn't often after all) by risking making her cry or sapping her enjoyment of the moment too

I can't see her waking up one morning and suggesting trying sex or signing up for a GP appointment. Meanwhile, you are clearly not happy (and rightly so). So the options are to keep living as you do or sitting down with her and saying how you feel. Then pack your bag and leave for the weekend giving her time to realise that you are serious about this. If she then would prefer you to move out/getting divorced to going to a doctor to ask for advice then, well, you have you answer. I wouldn't stay with somebody who categorically would refuse to see a doctor, especially if that very thing could save our marriage.