Concerned for marriage and poor sex life

[Concernedhusband1]

Hi all,

Seeking a little bit of advice regarding my marriage and loss of any type of sexual spark. I have been with my now wife for 11 years (married 6) since we were both 18 having met at university and I love her dearly, though I am really concerned for our future.

She is wonderful in pretty much all ways however we've always had a challenging sex life. I was her first and intercourse has always been very painful for her, however after trying half a dozen or so times in the early days of our relationship we kind of gave up on the idea and managed to meet our needs through other methods. I was generally OK with this and always felt that sex should be mutually enjoyable so wouldn't want her to be in pain. We also assumed that things would improve.

Over the years however we've gone from being intimate maybe a few times a week down to barely once a month. I have tried to talk about and admittedly have been at times naggy and frustrated, though by and large I don't mention it and I am a few times (I have only ever mentioned it seriously about 4 times in 8 years) am usually supportive and do my best to be understanding, however she just doesn't seem to want to discuss the matter. Responses have ranged from denying any problem, to crying, to saying we'll make an effort to even pretending she hasn't heard me. I have tried to seek clarity on if she is happy and I just seem to get nothing back.

My ow and feelings have switched from frustration, to sadness and I am now at a point where I just feel ambivalent and as if I don't care, and that is a bit frightening. She mentioned the other days I seem to have withdrawn from her which admittedly I have been but I know telling her the truth (that I'm fed up of being rejected so have lost the will with it) is only going to upset her.

I'm worried for a host of reasons as outside of sex she is wonderful in every way, though I do feel hurt and rejected. I am also concerned about the future as we're both only in our late 20s and have no children, so I can't imagine where we can go if ever we do have kids. I also worry as she would like to start a family in a few years but doesn't seem to see the massive elephant in the room that we can't do the physical act, seemingly barely do anything intimate and can't even talk about it.

Any views or thoughts welcome to a desperate husband who loves his wife and doesn't want to give up, but doesn't know where to turn

Do you have a sense of what your bottom line is in this situation OP? I know you love your wife but can you have a happy life without sex do you think? (I couldn’t but we are all different). From the outside, it looks as though you are making exceptionally large compromises in this area and your wife is simply not. I can imagine her lack of sexual experience might explain this, but even so it feels extreme.

It just strikes me that you are thinking a great deal about her perspective and her needs. Does she give an indication that she gives an equal weight to yours? Are you playing a caring role so much that you are both disconnecting from the ways you need care? This balance is pretty important for the long term.

@crazyhead my heart wants to say lack of sex drive and that alone but my head wonders what else. I think I try to be sensitive to her needs, am generally one to shy away from conflict and generally don't like to see anyone upset. We're a pretty good team outside of the bedroom and no real dynamics as you describe. Clearly though pacifism isn't working for me in this situation otherwise I wouldn't want to be hear. My wife is pretty prudish around sex not in a super old fashion way, but she certainly not a modern cosmopolitan sex in the city type either.

I admit I just skimmed through your post OP and I missed the part where you've never successfully had PiV sex. And on top of that how's she just interest in alternatives. I have read stories like this. They are only resolved where the woman seeks medical attention, talks continuously about it, and pushes herself to resolve it.

It seems she is intensely embarrassed about all things sexual and has a very low libido. She is taking advantage of your patient nature, not maliciously but just because this is what is comfortable for her. You are going to have to leave her.

The thing is with sex, is that you have to do it for your libido to exist at all. The more you do it, the more you want to do it.

Agree with posters here re a serious chat with her to work together to solve the problems, and for her to be open to the fact that they are solvable and she can hopefully enjoy full sex in the future.

Have you thought about how to approach it with her this time?

@StealthMama working it out at the moment tbh. I guess honesty is the best policy. I don't know if I want to leave her at this moment but I do feel resentful and that builds and it may get to a point I feel I need out. I really don't want that though as she is amazing in every other way but all marriages have challenges and the key to success is working through them

Certainly all marriages have challenges but no PIV for eight years! And you are only in your 20s.

Stealthemama is right - the more you enjoy sex the more you want to do it. It's a virtuous circle, but it can also be a downward spiral if you don't enjoy it, or decide that you won't, and then don't do it because you have decided that you don't enjoy it.

You are young, you cannot spend the rest of your life like this. You need to make it clear to her that she has to make serious effort to resolve things and if she cannot your relationship may not be sustainable.

Wow. You deserve a medal. I can't even begin to imagine how devastating this is for you. This is beyond a "challenge".

You are too young to live like this. I would leave, I couldn't do it. You're young enough to find someone else, someone you're more compatible with. Your wife hasn't even tried to resolve this in 11 years? She's not going to now. Don't waste anymore time. Life is too short.

@Anothernick If she were willing to make a serious effort to resolve things, she would have done something about it by now. Instead she hasn't even gone to a doctor (I think), changed the subject every time he's tried mentioning it, and broken into tears on the handful of times he's gotten serious about it.

There is no hope here. You are going to have leave her OP. This will be very difficult, she will be angry, she will be extremely upset, she will promise all sorts of things (but not deliver). But its got to be done.

@Concernedhusband1 you clearly love her very much, and equally this is clearly a problem that could break the marriage, She needs to know that you feel this way, and feel so strongly about it, as she might not realise how bad this has become for you. You've tried your very best to let her be in the driving seat about this and to accept what she says, but, now it is time to try something else ie GP/counselling. And given she has had your love and support in trying to solve things how she wants ( which sounds like not really solving anything if I'm honest), she equally has to show love and support by trying to solve things your way too, after all, marriage is a partnership of compromise and working things out together. A healthy marriage is also about a close, intimate and loving sex life, at least at your age it should.

Give it your very best shot this time with her to get her to be honest about it and agree some next steps together. Tell her you need to talk and try to make the setting safe and calm where she can feel as relaxed as possible.

If she isn't open to trying to solve it, then you are left with the final ultimatum on being married to her - if it can't be fixed, change it.

Has she tried a small vibrator with lube? Could be a good step x

When something even as extreme as this goes on for long enough, it becomes normalised - and that is the real danger. In the absence of knowing any better, the pair of you have reached a level where she thinks it’s normal enough to tolerate and you look for excuses to overlook this behaviour in favour of seeing other positive qualities.
I do not feel I am being judgemental by saying that your situation is far from normal. Viva la difference and all, but what you describe is not normal and should not be encouraged. If it were normal, the human race would have died out a long time ago. I sympathise with the notion that she has issues, physical and/or psychological, but that is no excuse for failing to start a programme of professional guided treatment. A drowning man does not have the right to drag you down with them.

You need to land on her the realisation that she is not normal and the ball is in her court to see that, medicalise that, prioritise that and fix that or accept that her condition is the reason for you blamelessly ending the marriage. You’ve done your bit - 11 years of it. Time for her to do hers.

@tangomouse I have made such suggestions and purchases but they've never been accepted or only used imfoe clit stimulation. Frustrating as he'll but as previous I've just not wanted to ruin the rare moments we have.

All points noted and appreciate the honesty, even if some truths are hard to swallow

Jabbereocky have you ever gone to see a GP with a sexual problem and been fobbed off? Or had an embarrassing cursory examination that didn't reveal a cause? If only it were as simple as take problem to the doctor, get it fixed.
But I totally agree that she does need to do this as a first step. It can be a lot easier to bury a difficult problem than to face up to it, especially if she suspects there's no cure.

There could be worse things to do than show her this thread.

I never said go to a doctor. I said a professional.

..what sort of professional?
She needs to find out what the problem is, if she sees a therapist and there is a physical issue things will just get worse.

Sex therapists would be the best place to start. A few sessions to get used to the idea of talking about the issue with someone who is very used to talking about such issues rather than someone who dispenses antibiotics all day. I would imagine that would lead to an appointment with a gynaecologist, by-passing the whole unsympathetic GP situ, which I grant you, is a hurdle many fall at.

Not to be picky, but surely only an NHS sex therapist could refer you to a gynaecologist - and you wouldn't get to see the NHS therapist without seeing your GP first. A private therapist could only refer to a private gyny... loads of ££ when the assistance is available on the NHS.

The thing is with sex, is that you have to do it for your libido to exist at all.

Rubbish. There are plenty of horny teenagers out there who haven’t even had sex yet. Nothing wrong with their libido. Surely you remember being that age and being ruled by your hormones?!

After teenage age though the more and better sex you have the more you want. Of a woman's never enjoyed sex fully she's unlikely to want it, but probably doesn't know what she's missing. If you have done everything possible to create romantic situations and tease her into wanting you sexually, then its not you, she needs help somehow. And sadly it's probably not going to get much easier. I do agree with the lady who suggested getting very drunk though. As sad as that is it does create a lot of freedom and fun and easier to bring up this kind of conversation!

@CurlyhairedAssassin but they're not teenagers, they are late twenties. No sex = no sex drive.

There isn't any psychosexual therapy available on the nhs, there is a treatment for vaginismus that nurses can do which involves inserting different sized 'vaginal trainers'.

It's not obvious that it is vaginismus in this case but it's a possibility. She needs to go back to the GP really, all practices have more than one available so having a bad experience with one isn't really an excuse.

Thanks again all for comments

This is so very sad. You sound like a considerate and thoughtful person. But unless both partners agree or the is a good reason (illness/recent birth) it's unacceptable to have no sex at all (or barely at all) in a marriage. Otherwise you're just housemates. She also has a responsibility to seek help for the issue, whether physical or physiological, or admit she just doesn't feel that way about you any more. By keeping you in limbo you're losing years of your life.

Also, and I know it wasn't the question you asked, but if you've never had piv since your wedding then you aren't ideally married (there's a rebuttable presumption this has taken place until one partner asserts otherwise). You'd be entitled to anull the marriage. That's what I would do.

aren't ideally married

Sorry that should say LEGALLY married.