I'll explain the back story as briefly as I can. Apologies in advance that this is a lengthy read - it's acting as a good vent too.
- I met my partner in April this year. He is married but separated and has a young child. I have four children of my own.
- The ex wife insisted on meeting with me sooner rather than later, no doubt to get a 'feel' for who I am and what I'm like. I entertained this without issue. I personally don't feel the need to meet the current partners of my children's fathers as I trust them entirely as far as the children are concerned, but everyone is different as a parent and I was happy to meet with her if it reassured from a maternal perspective. We more or less instantly became friends on social media as well, which again I didn't mind at all.
- The ex had moved on before my partner and I met and is now with someone new herself.
- Rules regarding their child were 1. I wasnt allowed to be left alone with them and 2. I wasnt allowed to post photos anywhere on social media unless they were also posed with my own children and the photo was 'flattering'.
At first sticking to these rules wasnt an issue. But as mine and my partner's relationship began to progress and we began to make happy memories, I wanted to be able to post the occasional picture I took of his child with his consent. Despite agreeing with the ex wife at the time of them being together that they wouldn't post pictures of their child on social media, my partner admitted he didn't feel as strongly about this as the ex did and didn't mind me posting photos so long as it wasnt often and I asked him if it was okay first.
To start with his ex didn't seem to mind and even commented positively to one or two of them. It wasnt until at least another couple of months down the line that my partner and I took his child out to the local park as it was a beautiful day weather wise. I wanted to take snaps of them together which he was fine with, but asked me not to upload them as the ex wanted to get out of going to a friends birthday party and was using him as the excuse to do so (as in he had to unexpectedly go to work that day so she had to look after their child).
I was instantly annoyed and asked why she couldn't just tell her friend that she didn't want to go. Why couldn't she say SHE was sick? I asked why she felt the need to use him, my partner, as her excuse to be a flaky friend rather than use her own partner? My partner agreed it was childish but he was going along with it, and it felt more so out of not wanting to deal with the aggro if he didn't than anything else.
This obviously didn't help how I felt and set some alarm bells in motion. When I made my discontent known, she responded with not being happy for me to post photos on social media anyway. This was all through my partner too, she never approached me herself. My partner began to handle things poorly, playing on my mental health diagnosis to her for the reason why I wasnt listening to her rule. He would tell me of her discontent but play it down, telling me he had it handled.
I didn't fully trust the situation. If he was already lying to her, using my ill health as an excuse, I questioned how he was attempting to handle the situation now. I decided to check his messages one day whilst he was at work. I wasnt worried about 'snooping', he had told me repeatedly he had little to hide and I was free to use his PC and so on.
As you can imagine, their conversation was 'fun' to read. She questioned by use of social media, stating my Instagram surely couldn't be private and safe as I had over 200+ followers and couldn't know that many people personally. Presumptuous bullshit to try and push her control over this whole situation (and yes, I do know that many people personally in real life! Being linked to an ex in the music industry will do that, along with moving away from many friends from my home town).
I removed her from my social media accounts. We barely interacted together on it anyway and it was from that point on that I got a profound sense of only being 'friends' on social media so she could stalk and make inaccurate presumptions about me. And obviously to check I was adhering to her orders of not posting any photographs.
She tried to friend me back, without a word, which I also declined. The last correspondence I read between my partner and her was that I was too extreme (for unfriending her presumably), she didn't want me near their child and trusted that he was making that happen. I finally exploded emotionally and messaged her to ask what the hell her problem was. She in turn pulled my partner into the chat before saying this wasnt about me, it had just been blown up to look like it was about me, and that my partner had been setting us off against the other.
I ranted at her and said she has belittled me and made me feel like a dangerous crazy person who can't be trusted, despite having done very little other than question her actions and opinions. Rather than explaining anything to me, she just shut me down and addressed my partner from that point on, so I left the conversation and blocked her across the board.
Approximately a week later we knew she had a solicitor appointment to start general divorce and custody proceedings. The day after that appointment she withheld my partner's access to their child, stating he wouldn't be seeing them again until they had mediation appointments. She didn't answer any of his questions or concerns about this interesting new arrangement and he was obviously devastated.
I had actually broken up with him on the same day, having had enough of the whole situation. I didn't have to stay in it and clearly I was going to have some competition in the form of his ex. He didn't talk to me all day. By bed time I asked him to message me just to say goodnight - say anything - so I wasnt so worried. He called me and told me the ex had stopped him from seeing their child and wasnt in a good place.
I apologised and said I didn't want the relationship to end, I just didn't know what else to do or how to simmer my emotions down from it (I have BPD but I'm in recovery. I'm a hell of a lot better now than I used to be but can still struggle bringing my emotions down sometimes).
So it's been about 6 weeks later. This all happened early September time. Over the last 6 weeks my partner and I have remained together. The ex had slowly withdrawn communication about the child altogether, refusing to send him photos or videos. They had solo mediation appointments and then finally a joint one. We hoped that he would be able to put his argument down with the mediator and start to get some say in all of this and I guess he's had a bit of a say, to an extent. He has also been allowed to see his child again - for a day or two - whereas before he was their primary carer. He had them for more time and spent more money on them in a week than his ex did. So this is quite a difficult transition for him at the moment.
I'm still not allowed around the child. My partner has apologised and knows it isn't ideal for us, before explaining he needs to build his ex's trust again. Apparently one of her main fears is that he will let me do whatever I want without question around their child (I think?) which amused me as that's exactly what she does. Demands and ascertains control over him emotionally to get what she wants. When it comes to their child I get the impression he isn't allowed a say over, well, anything.
She also had to be the one to tell HIS family of this drama as well before he could, making it known she wasnt happy with him and I. Of course his family were thoroughly confused and upset to start with. That has since churned into disbelief and anger that she's doing this.
I actually agree with her and believe this isn't about me at all but about her trying to retain control over their relationship - whatever form that takes - and their child. Shes just using me as a pawn whilst trying to make herself look like the innocent, hard done to party. She still hasn't explained any of her fears to me about the use of social media but for the most I suspect they're bullshit anyway. She once said "Bloody Facebook, amirite?" to my partner after moaning about me in relation to it, yet I know she sits on it far more than I do. I know she has stalked me on it too and probably still tries to.
It's like... she is actually guilty of these things but is trying to project them onto me? And it's very clear she doesn't trust my partner but mostly because he has an acute fear of confrontation and will just say anything to us to keep us happy. I can imagine after so many years of this she is fed up with it, but she also fully uses it to her advantage. He has to build her trust now in mediation apparently, yet he's had to receive counselling lately for severe anxiety and the fact she has emotionally toyed with him.
I doubt the question of being both emotionally immature and abusive wont be raised at mediation and I feel like she will just verbally walk all over him at these appointments, because it's all shes done so far, whilst tentatively feeding him scraps of information about their child and letting him see them for a minimum amount of time each week.
He has every legal entitlement to his child but wont disrupt their routine or take them from their mother because he has fucking intelligence and realises they're a person, not property to be wrestled and used as a bargaining tool. He's terrified of facing the ex and pushing for what he wants incase she withdraws access to their child again, including during the courts process which could take months to finalise.
My anger over this is on a low simmer for the most. Occasionally the heat will be turned up and I'll want to rant about how unfair everything is, but thus far I haven't really. I did send her an email at some point telling her that she wasnt allowed to legally do this and called her a controlling bitch. She responded by threatening to report me for harassment! Yet she knows exactly how to snoop on me and harass my partner for money and items that don't belong to her of course.
I get angry at my partner and how he's dealt with all of this too. I struggle to see our future and that really bothers me. I would like to get married at some point but I highly doubt he will after all of this (and I cant blame him really). I'm just scared and often feel I need to walk away now before things get any worse. I'm sure his ex can approve other partners in the future, hey?