His ex is still abusive and using their child as a weapon.

[Seribeth]

I'll explain the back story as briefly as I can. Apologies in advance that this is a lengthy read - it's acting as a good vent too.

• I met my partner in April this year. He is married but separated and has a young child. I have four children of my own.
• The ex wife insisted on meeting with me sooner rather than later, no doubt to get a 'feel' for who I am and what I'm like. I entertained this without issue. I personally don't feel the need to meet the current partners of my children's fathers as I trust them entirely as far as the children are concerned, but everyone is different as a parent and I was happy to meet with her if it reassured from a maternal perspective. We more or less instantly became friends on social media as well, which again I didn't mind at all.
• The ex had moved on before my partner and I met and is now with someone new herself.
• Rules regarding their child were 1. I wasnt allowed to be left alone with them and 2. I wasnt allowed to post photos anywhere on social media unless they were also posed with my own children and the photo was 'flattering'.

At first sticking to these rules wasnt an issue. But as mine and my partner's relationship began to progress and we began to make happy memories, I wanted to be able to post the occasional picture I took of his child with his consent. Despite agreeing with the ex wife at the time of them being together that they wouldn't post pictures of their child on social media, my partner admitted he didn't feel as strongly about this as the ex did and didn't mind me posting photos so long as it wasnt often and I asked him if it was okay first.

To start with his ex didn't seem to mind and even commented positively to one or two of them. It wasnt until at least another couple of months down the line that my partner and I took his child out to the local park as it was a beautiful day weather wise. I wanted to take snaps of them together which he was fine with, but asked me not to upload them as the ex wanted to get out of going to a friends birthday party and was using him as the excuse to do so (as in he had to unexpectedly go to work that day so she had to look after their child).

I was instantly annoyed and asked why she couldn't just tell her friend that she didn't want to go. Why couldn't she say SHE was sick? I asked why she felt the need to use him, my partner, as her excuse to be a flaky friend rather than use her own partner? My partner agreed it was childish but he was going along with it, and it felt more so out of not wanting to deal with the aggro if he didn't than anything else.

This obviously didn't help how I felt and set some alarm bells in motion. When I made my discontent known, she responded with not being happy for me to post photos on social media anyway. This was all through my partner too, she never approached me herself. My partner began to handle things poorly, playing on my mental health diagnosis to her for the reason why I wasnt listening to her rule. He would tell me of her discontent but play it down, telling me he had it handled.

I didn't fully trust the situation. If he was already lying to her, using my ill health as an excuse, I questioned how he was attempting to handle the situation now. I decided to check his messages one day whilst he was at work. I wasnt worried about 'snooping', he had told me repeatedly he had little to hide and I was free to use his PC and so on.

As you can imagine, their conversation was 'fun' to read. She questioned by use of social media, stating my Instagram surely couldn't be private and safe as I had over 200+ followers and couldn't know that many people personally. Presumptuous bullshit to try and push her control over this whole situation (and yes, I do know that many people personally in real life! Being linked to an ex in the music industry will do that, along with moving away from many friends from my home town).

I removed her from my social media accounts. We barely interacted together on it anyway and it was from that point on that I got a profound sense of only being 'friends' on social media so she could stalk and make inaccurate presumptions about me. And obviously to check I was adhering to her orders of not posting any photographs.

She tried to friend me back, without a word, which I also declined. The last correspondence I read between my partner and her was that I was too extreme (for unfriending her presumably), she didn't want me near their child and trusted that he was making that happen. I finally exploded emotionally and messaged her to ask what the hell her problem was. She in turn pulled my partner into the chat before saying this wasnt about me, it had just been blown up to look like it was about me, and that my partner had been setting us off against the other.

I ranted at her and said she has belittled me and made me feel like a dangerous crazy person who can't be trusted, despite having done very little other than question her actions and opinions. Rather than explaining anything to me, she just shut me down and addressed my partner from that point on, so I left the conversation and blocked her across the board.

Approximately a week later we knew she had a solicitor appointment to start general divorce and custody proceedings. The day after that appointment she withheld my partner's access to their child, stating he wouldn't be seeing them again until they had mediation appointments. She didn't answer any of his questions or concerns about this interesting new arrangement and he was obviously devastated.

I had actually broken up with him on the same day, having had enough of the whole situation. I didn't have to stay in it and clearly I was going to have some competition in the form of his ex. He didn't talk to me all day. By bed time I asked him to message me just to say goodnight - say anything - so I wasnt so worried. He called me and told me the ex had stopped him from seeing their child and wasnt in a good place.

I apologised and said I didn't want the relationship to end, I just didn't know what else to do or how to simmer my emotions down from it (I have BPD but I'm in recovery. I'm a hell of a lot better now than I used to be but can still struggle bringing my emotions down sometimes).

So it's been about 6 weeks later. This all happened early September time. Over the last 6 weeks my partner and I have remained together. The ex had slowly withdrawn communication about the child altogether, refusing to send him photos or videos. They had solo mediation appointments and then finally a joint one. We hoped that he would be able to put his argument down with the mediator and start to get some say in all of this and I guess he's had a bit of a say, to an extent. He has also been allowed to see his child again - for a day or two - whereas before he was their primary carer. He had them for more time and spent more money on them in a week than his ex did. So this is quite a difficult transition for him at the moment.

I'm still not allowed around the child. My partner has apologised and knows it isn't ideal for us, before explaining he needs to build his ex's trust again. Apparently one of her main fears is that he will let me do whatever I want without question around their child (I think?) which amused me as that's exactly what she does. Demands and ascertains control over him emotionally to get what she wants. When it comes to their child I get the impression he isn't allowed a say over, well, anything.

She also had to be the one to tell HIS family of this drama as well before he could, making it known she wasnt happy with him and I. Of course his family were thoroughly confused and upset to start with. That has since churned into disbelief and anger that she's doing this.

I actually agree with her and believe this isn't about me at all but about her trying to retain control over their relationship - whatever form that takes - and their child. Shes just using me as a pawn whilst trying to make herself look like the innocent, hard done to party. She still hasn't explained any of her fears to me about the use of social media but for the most I suspect they're bullshit anyway. She once said "Bloody Facebook, amirite?" to my partner after moaning about me in relation to it, yet I know she sits on it far more than I do. I know she has stalked me on it too and probably still tries to.

It's like... she is actually guilty of these things but is trying to project them onto me? And it's very clear she doesn't trust my partner but mostly because he has an acute fear of confrontation and will just say anything to us to keep us happy. I can imagine after so many years of this she is fed up with it, but she also fully uses it to her advantage. He has to build her trust now in mediation apparently, yet he's had to receive counselling lately for severe anxiety and the fact she has emotionally toyed with him.

I doubt the question of being both emotionally immature and abusive wont be raised at mediation and I feel like she will just verbally walk all over him at these appointments, because it's all shes done so far, whilst tentatively feeding him scraps of information about their child and letting him see them for a minimum amount of time each week.

He has every legal entitlement to his child but wont disrupt their routine or take them from their mother because he has fucking intelligence and realises they're a person, not property to be wrestled and used as a bargaining tool. He's terrified of facing the ex and pushing for what he wants incase she withdraws access to their child again, including during the courts process which could take months to finalise.

My anger over this is on a low simmer for the most. Occasionally the heat will be turned up and I'll want to rant about how unfair everything is, but thus far I haven't really. I did send her an email at some point telling her that she wasnt allowed to legally do this and called her a controlling bitch. She responded by threatening to report me for harassment! Yet she knows exactly how to snoop on me and harass my partner for money and items that don't belong to her of course.

I get angry at my partner and how he's dealt with all of this too. I struggle to see our future and that really bothers me. I would like to get married at some point but I highly doubt he will after all of this (and I cant blame him really). I'm just scared and often feel I need to walk away now before things get any worse. I'm sure his ex can approve other partners in the future, hey?

As far as I can see she tolerated your decision to post pictures regardless of her parental veto on this. Probably because your DP defended it. I think she rightly challenged him so he told you to stop. At this point you escalated over the party excuse and over stepped another boundary. Then more as you snooped on private conversations, ranted at her and expressed opinions about her parenting. She is right to want you excluded from her and her child’s life after that. Whether she can or not is another issue.

It is not just about social media. Your overall behaviour is wrong as is your lack of respect for other people’s boundaries. These are reasonable boundaries.

Do you want to be told your parenting decisions are wrong? Do you want to be ranted at? Do you want abusive unsolicited emails? I suspect not and that you would exclude anyone doing this from your life.

Oh no I fully agree that the victim in this is the child. She's been kept from her father for several weeks for no real reason. I'm not dangerous or unhinged. I may still possess hindrances that come with a BPD diagnosis but I do well by and love my children. I was trying to establish a relationship with his kid and find a way to make things work that kept all involved happy.

I ranted at her

called her a controlling bitch

She asked you not to post photos on social media of her child, but you did.

Yes, you've admitted that you were wrong doing that, but can you not see how your behaviour has actually caused, then inflamed, this entire situation?

I'm not surprised she won't allow access.

You shouldn't need to establish a relationship with this child at all. You have had a boyfriend (who is still married) for 6 months and have already broken up once!! Can you honestly not see why everyone is saying that isn't a good idea? Can you not understand at all?

Yes not trying to dog pile on here but it seems like you didn’t have any respect for the mothers wishes for her own child and that’s why things have gone so badly. You can’t say “if it wasn’t this it would be something else” because the problem wasn’t just about social media it was about you not accepting any boundaries. I think you need to take some steps back

But that’s the thing op. You didn’t. You crossed boundary’s and ignored requests from the child/rens mother. You snooped on conversations between them and really stuck your nose into things that are quite frankly, none of your business.

What would have kept everyone involved happy would to not develop such an intense relationship so quickly, and not disrespect the children’s mother’s wishes, or email her disrespectfully calling her a bitch.

The only person you actually kept happy in all of this is you. We’ve told you this and you still cannot see that.

The children deserve for you to take a huge step back here, instead you’re waiting for your partner to make that decision- and to be fair, he should. The relationship is not typically normal for such a period of time, it should be all sunshine and roses and getting to know one another.
Not overstepping another parents wishes in regards to her child and thinking about long term marriage with the new person you’re still getting to know.

Seribeth,

I think you have acted disrespectfully towards your partner’s ex. I don’t know why you would post having been asked not to?! It just seems bizarre and guaranteed to damage your own relationship.

OTOH, I think it is outrageous for your partner’s ex to withhold his access to his own child. You have not done anything dangerous or harmful at a level to make that reasonable. And she is clearly not acting in the best interests of the child.

Your partner will now need to go to court to get proper access arrangements put in place.

Regarding your relationship, though, is it worth continuing? There are so many tensions and roadblocks in place. Be the bigger person and call it a day.

There is a reason OP and as you say your partner has been fuelling it as well. She isn’t being kept from your partner but from you. You overstepped a parental boundary with the photos and felt you had the right to. That is a huge red flag for her. Then She is being harassed and ranted at. She has tried to reach out again and has been rebuffed.

No ones relationship is perfect op.
My situation right now is far from it, but I’m aware and steering through to make things right for myself and my children.

Life sucks, it really does. But everyone in your situation deserves to be happy and by the sounds of it none of you are.

You shouldn’t have even met his kid as you so charmingly describe her. Let alone taking pics arguing wether or not to post them or try to have a relationship with her back off. Not about you.

All me myself & I whilst ignoring what is actually best for those kids is not to have you pushing yourselves into their lives so soon, plus painting the DM as an evil witch denying DH & you her kids. Rather than seeing that she's doing her best to keep them safe because YOU don't respect boundaries. YOU are the reason your BF isn't seeing his kids, not his ex 😏

Your MH diagnosis does not excuse or explain the incredibly selfish, me me me tone to your post. I repeat, it is not about YOU, it's about what's best for the kids & right now, that doesn't sound like you are & that's nothing to do with not being a safe person for DCs to be around, but your tunnel vision selfishness isn't allowing you to see that's it's actually YOU that is in the wrong here

You had his ex on social media. Shared pictures she had asked you not to then ranted at her. Honestly you sound unstable. And the whole situation really unhealthy. I’d be backing away from the relationship. Fast.

I don’t want to make you feel even worse however if your BF’s ex asks you not to post photos on SM then you don’t do it ! Ranting and abusing the ex was a really bad move and to be honest I am not surprised she has ceased contact .
You shouldn’t be so involved after just a few months , you need to step back and allow your BF to build bridges with his ex. I also , gently, suggest you seek some medical support . Take care.

Thing is OP, your partner has decided your MH is an issue here as he has mentioned it to his ex. Without your BF’s input she would never have known about your MH so that one is on him not her.

Also, and I risk being flamed for writing this, you mention that you have four children and talk about how you don’t get involved with their fathers’ (multiple) relationships. To the parent of a child that could seem as if you become involved in relationships too quickly and those relationships rarely last and are now looking at bringing her child into a relationship which, based on your history, has little chance of success. After all, you’ve been together for five minutes, you have had other relationships before and have had children from those relationships and they haven’t worked out. So it is absolutely not possible to know that a relationship of six months or so is established or has the potential for marriage in the future, but is far more likely ., that it doesn’t, so i wouldn’t want my child being introduced so quickly when i thought the chances of it lasting were minimal.

You seem to have become fixated on the photo issue and decided it was your absolute right to post pics regardless of what the child's mother wanted. Your desire to show off your new relationship on social media does not trump her preferences and decisions as mother. It's a very new relationship and you've caused all sorts of problems already. It takes a long, long time to know someone properly and I wouldn't be surprised if the relationship doesn't last much longer. Hopefully you can learn from this and from your own reactions

Regardless of what you’ve done op as I agree with everyone else.

Is this relationship really worth it? All this drama in 6 months including a break up. You have four children who need their mum. Not wasting all this effort on a man who’s got his spoon out stirring between you and his child’s mother.

Not much to add. I don't know what kind of treatment you have had or are in now, but it might be a good idea to seek that out again for your own well-being and that of your children. Instead of relationships, it might be best to focus on getting yourself well.

My partner began to handle things poorly, playing on my mental health diagnosis to her for the reason why I wasnt listening to her rule.

Dump him for this alone OP. Your boyfriend is a weak, lying scumbag who will sell you out in a flash. He told his Ex that your MH problems meant you could not follow basic instructions. So of course she no longer trusts you around her DC.

She is not your problem, he is. Get rid.

Everyone knows you don’t post pictures of other people’s children on social media. It’s common sense. Apart from that she asked you not to and you still did it and did it a lot.

Wow, this place is a bit of a grotto for bullying isn't it?

Yeah, it can feel this way. Thing is, when someone posts something and most people think that person is wrong then you do tend to get post after post telling you how wrong you are. And that can be very difficult to read. Far more so than a private conversation with just one person telling you they think you are wrong. It isn't intended at all to be bullying - I am reasonably sure no-one wants you to feel bad - it is just that lots of people have read your thread, have an opinion and want to state their opinion.

Which is why the first response suggested that this is probably not the best way for you, in your particular situation, to get your advice. If you are prone to low moods or poor mental health then being the "victim" of what appears to be a pile on isn't good for you. Hell, it isn't good for anyone. But it happens simply because lots of people have read your post and have engaged with the issues you have voiced.

I think, if you have decided that you want to be committed to this relationship, that you need to think about how you can go about making it as easy as possible for your boyfriend and his ex to co-parent their child without friction and to do whatever you can not to get in they way of that. Because that is what is important here - the impact this will be having on their daughter.

Have you talked this through with your therapist? I think it would be useful for you to discuss your behaviour here and how it relates to your mental health issues. You sound very much like someone whose BPD is having a significant effect on their life. What makes you think you’re ‘in recovery’?

Sorry, you sound like hard work. My sympathies are with the ex here.

Your BF sounds a bit useless too.

Hi op, I think you were wrong to post pictures of your partner's child, even with his permission, when the mother didn't want that. It looks as though she tried to be cool with it but she isn't and it wasn't going to last.

In your shoes I would apologise to her and not do it again. There's really no need, you aren't going to die or even fret if you can't post those pics.

Seven months is not very long into a relationship - but you said you'd broken up with him anyway which I think is wise. It's all happening too soon. You'll be far less stressed without it.

Take good care of yourself

I don't think you can see what everyone else's is seeing. You need to find a way to step back and talk with someone in real life about the situation.

In the last 5/6 months so much has happened. It sounds like your boyfriends wife tolerated what you were doing with pictures but was, rightly so keeping an eye on you. You have pushed their agreed boundaries extremely quickly and forcefully.

I imagine its horrible for a parent to suddenly have a new adult in their child's lives who decides they know best and overruling the established routines.

You have possibly gone past any hope of repairing the damage you have done, but it's still worth trying to see this from another perspective for your own sake. You need a way to be less domineering.

OP all in all, regardless of who is right or wrong, this relationship is just way more drama than it is worth. Your partner uses your mental health against you, his ex does not want you to have the role you think you should have and will probably cause conflict as a result for as long as you stay together.

I do think you have become a bit too emotionally involved and shared your "discontent" over things that really aren't a big enough problem to merit you being offended (I am a step mum myself and have tbh never felt the desire to post pics of my SS on social media, and certainly not enough to kick up a fuss if his mum complained about it.)

If you want to play a blame game, I think there is fault on all sides.

-You are too involved and too upset by small things like posting photos

• the ex uses withholding contact as a weapon and expects to be able to impose weird rules on her ex (only flattering photos?)

• your partner doesn't respect you and uses your mental health against you.

But regardless of who is most unreasonable, it very much looks like leaving would be the best option for everyone because you three are not people that are going to rub along nicely and you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of dramas like this given your own nature and the nature of his ex. You will always want to be heavily involved and she will always fight you. Meanwhile, you'll be putting yourself through all of that just for a bloke who doesn't even treat you well.