Total nightmare to live with can it ever actually be ok ?

[ExhaustionSIeep]

How can it be ok if one partner is so emotionally demanding ?

Due to childhood abuse (mainly emotional occasional physical) and the lack of being or feeling loved and wanted there are some massive issues.
-desperate for attention and affection (if doesn’t get this then gets distressed)
-constantly seeking approval
-constantly seeking reassurance
-possessive

Is there any hope in a relationship like this can things be ‘fixed’ and work ?

No, they need to realise their own issues and work on themselves. You will not be able to fix them.

you could stay in a relationship with them but don't live together. then you both get your own space.

It depends on the other person and whether they feel able to provide that. I’d suggest that person seeks therapy though

Has he been like this ever since you got together?

Is it even worth trying to fix someone like this or do you just accept they have been damaged and try to make them feel as secure as possible ? Once they feel better then do things calm down a bit or is it to much to ‘maintain’
In every other way things are actually fine. It would be a waste to end a relationship/live apart through the fault of no one if that makes sense ? Also children involved so that would hurt like hell.
It is just draining to be the only source of well, everything because I think of the damage caused by not being loved or nurtured as a child

Is the person in individual therapy?

Unless they're actively working on their issues, and committed to that, then you're on a hiding to nothing.

A relationship won't cure what ails them. Love won't cure what ails them. And tolerating possessiveness etc in the name of them being "damaged" won't help them either.

Bad, abusive behaviour is bad, abusive behaviour wherever it stems from. It may not be a word you're ready to apply, but these things tend to get worse, not better. They get complacent you'll accept their behaviour, and resent when you don't, and the demands get bigger as the relationship goes on.

You can't fix another person.

You can’t fix someone else. only yourself.

You said this is a response to his (?) early life. But has he attempted to help himself at all and stayed with it?

And you said there are children involved. Would the current environment be beneficial or damaging to their childhood growth?

We’ve been through many many years of therapies individual and joint. I think tbh the damaged is so deep it can’t be helped but perhaps some of the learned responses can
For example , even a tiny criticism causes severe distress I could say for example I don’t fancy going out as don’t feel well or it’s too cold it is taken A’s your don’t want to spend time with me or be seen out with me as you’re embarrassed’ then tears and real distress (was repeatedly mocked as a child teen for everything so as a consequence clearly believes it’s the same)
It’s really real distress. Not abusive behaviour in any way, shape or form.
Possessive in a way that if this makes sense isn’t driven by selfishness or maliciousness more from absolute fear of abandonment and this does improve but that’s with a big effort to really give a lot of attention which can be exhausting

For a person so kind and lovely yet so clearly damaged it’s sad because it almost doesn’t feel like an adult relationship on an equal level and I’d love to have that and to not almost feel like a carer or an emotional crutch forever

It’s hard to see when there’s real severe distress as he will go off to hide this from the children. The desperation to be a good parent is also a massive pressure after what happened so there’s guilt there too about it all in case the children are affected.
Massive efforts go into plans (and overthinking) time with the children, activities with them and a very clear and desperate attempt to always spend equal time with each so they feel equally loved. It’s very very sad to see someone ripping themselves apart and analysing everything they do trying to not cause the harm that was done to them

But then needing so much emotional support is draining for me

Is it even worth trying to fix someone like this or do you just accept they have been damaged and try to make them feel as secure as possible ?

The most important thing is for you to realise you can’t fix them. They have to go and get therapy and fix themselves because no matter what you do, even if you were there 24-7 by their side, you’d never fix what’s going on inside their head. They have to talk to a professional and let them help them come to terms with what happened and realise they are now an adult and they can be ok.

Another person cannot fix or act as a “cure” for another person’s problems.

A relationship cannot fix another person’s problems.

Only that person can fix their own problems with help from the right support, be that changing their own behaviour, medical care or therapy.

It’s heartbreaking really. I’ve seen childhood photos and I can’t understand how someone can treat a child from a young age in a certain way and then this is the consequence. It makes me really angry

It’s definitely not ‘fixable’ how can you fix not being lived by your own mother and the issues that causes. I think there needs to be discussion over support as I can’t shoulder it all forever it’s exhausting but I need to somehow reassure him I’m not going anywhere

OP you sound lovely.
I suggest doing some reading on attachment theory. Maybe go to counselling as a couple if your partner doesnt want to go alone.
It sounds like they have an anxious attachment, they can't help that, but there are some things you can do to help them feel more secure (and that doesn't mean accepting bad behaviour). Ultimately though they also need to recognise and work on it themselves.
www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-freedom-change/201503/overcoming-relationship-anxiety-and-feeling-good-about-it%3famp

Thankyou
I will have a look at that link

Sorry Xposted with your last two posts.

What sort of therapy did you have?

For example , even a tiny criticism causes severe distress I could say for example I don’t fancy going out as don’t feel well or it’s too cold it is taken A’s your don’t want to spend time with me or be seen out with me as you’re embarrassed’ then tears and real distress (was repeatedly mocked as a child teen for everything so as a consequence clearly believes it’s the same)
It’s really real distress. Not abusive behaviour in any way, shape or form

I’m sorry I disgree. An adult repeatedly having a tantrum because they don’t get their own way IS abuse . Abuse is about control. They are controlling you because you know that if you ever disgree with them , a tantrum will result.

The other person is quite capable of saying to themselves

“ I notice that I feel the same way I did as a child when someone says no to me. However I’m now an Adult and I can have uncomfortable feelings and not act on them .

“I can also remind myself that the other person has agency and a right to choose what they want to do. They are allowed to feel tired or cold and that’s not an attack on me “.

It’s the same with the possessiveness. They are doing it to control you.

Just read your updates. Tough if he has already had counselling. Is he on medication for anxiety? Maybe this is more about anxiety than your relationship?

Has he seen a psychologist or counsellors?

I think maybe you need to do some cou selling yourself so you can put in boundaries and not feel like you are taking the support burden. His distress is his, not yours

I think then you have to accept that a certain level of his real distress is the "price of admission" in this relationship.

That sounds hard, but you can't live your life under the shadow of his childhood. He feels like he's rejected or whatnot - you say "you know that's not true" and carry on with what you were doing. He needs to be employing coping strategies, and you need to push it back on him to deal with.

Living like this will kill your affection for him.

Look into co-dependence maybe.

desperate for attention and affection (if doesn’t get this then gets distressed)

What does this look like, OP?
Do you mean sex?

It’s definitely not ‘fixable’ how can you fix not being lived by your own mother and the issues that causes.

You do a disservice to all those people who have had terrible childhoods and go on to lead happy lives.
It is fixable if you find the right therapist and if the person wants to fix themselves.

No not sex, just a hug or holding hands if out etc but he won’t initiate anything. Ever.
Won’t ask for a hug but gets upset when doesn’t get one like when comes in from work
Won’t initiate anything for fear of rejection yet is then upset it’s so confusing

It’s very childlike

Couples counselling (wasn’t v helpful)
Psychologist (did help a little but sue to work commitments had to stop I may look into if there’s weekend availability)

I'm afraid you are being manipulated. I understand where his need to do this comes from, but allowing it to continue is not healthy. It is also not teaching you children good things about their future relationships.
At the moment he is getting what he wants from this behaviour and I doubt it will stop until that "reward" is taken away.