Total nightmare to live with can it ever actually be ok ?

[ExhaustionSIeep]

How can it be ok if one partner is so emotionally demanding ?

Due to childhood abuse (mainly emotional occasional physical) and the lack of being or feeling loved and wanted there are some massive issues.
-desperate for attention and affection (if doesn’t get this then gets distressed)
-constantly seeking approval
-constantly seeking reassurance
-possessive

Is there any hope in a relationship like this can things be ‘fixed’ and work ?

Xpost, as @Ketomeato, exactly that I was enabling him but once I stopped it got nasty pretty quickly.
I used to say the exact same to him "I am not your mother" but he couldn't shake himself out of the victim mentality.

For example , even a tiny criticism causes severe distress I could say for example I don’t fancy going out as don’t feel well or it’s too cold it is taken A’s your don’t want to spend time with me or be seen out with me as you’re embarrassed’ then tears and real distress (was repeatedly mocked as a child teen for everything so as a consequence clearly believes it’s the same)
It’s really real distress. Not abusive behaviour in any way, shape or form

No, sorry. Someone genuinely unable to distinguish to this extent or to have any semblance of adult reasoning would be unable to function - if he has a job where he has to interact normally with other adults, which is going to involve occasional disagreement or 'thanks but no thanks' interaction, if this utterly unworkable attitude is only shown to you - then yes you are being abused by him. Either as deliberate manipulation or through him consciously using you as a punchbag- a means of expressing all the things he couldn't back then. But yes, he can control it, unless he is either utterly non-functioning at the moment or has some genuine learning difficulty.

Op , tell me how life would be different for you and the children if your husband / partner was fixed? What would it look like ?

Totally agree with @QuentinWinters. Attachment theory is very illuminating on this. It could also be CPSTD. Pete Walker’s website is a good place to start on that.

He will need to put the effort in with therapy/helping himself too though. It does need to be the right therapy/therapist however. It might take trying a few different types of therapy and individuals. He has to want to.

if it’s attachment, then yes, people do get better. Some effort by them is needed, that’s an absolute baseline. One of the ways in which anxiously attached people do get better is by being in a relationship with someone who is secure- it shows them patterns of behaviour they never got to experience before. By this I do not mean it is your responsibility to cure him. I do mean that it helps and provides a good environment. It doesn’t replace the need for him to seek help for himself and stick at it. But it will be additional to that. Being a secure person in his life doesn’t mean trying to make up for his past and fulfill all his needs for him. It means showing him that not all people are as awful as the people in his childhood.

PTSD is a field that is making big strides recently, so there is hope there too.

In both instances, better doesn’t mean “totally cured, like it never happened”. It does mean much happier, healthier life, in a way that is unimaginable from the start point.

It’s definitely not ‘fixable’ how can you fix not being lived by your own mother and the issues that causes.

My mother didn't love me and I have a good life. I don't manipulate my husband or those around me because of my childhood. Unfortunately, some people have bad childhoods. It does not excuse his behavior. Your sentence stood out to me and suggests that you may, unknowingly, be part of the problem. The fact that you view it as unfixable suggests you think his behaviour is acceptable which is one of the reasons he is continuing. He is responsible for his behaviour.

I used to be like this, I was incredibly insecure. My boyfriend left me, and in time I had to realise that my behaviour was wrong. It was innate because of my childhood but I was forced to realise that this was/is unacceptable. Counselling helped and has changed my life.

You cannot fix him, if you stay then you are enabling his behaviour. I am sorry to say that the only way he stands a chance of changing, it by forcing him to see that his behaviour is unacceptable to you.

It shouldn't take him long to find a therapist, so there's not much you have to do in the meantime, or at least not for long.

I think you have to realise that his emotions are not your responsibility.

'Is it even worth trying to fix someone like this'

You can't yourself, you don't have the skills- even if you were a therapist, you wouldn't have the necessary distance.

So

1. Find him a therapist. He should be able to get an appointment for about a week's time. It'd be well worth the money by the sounds of it- I'm not earning but I prioritized it and it was worth it. If he doesn't get on with the first therapist, he can try another.

2. Whenever he starts going on in a way that you find hard work, just say 'I can't help you with this, you need to discuss it with your therapist.'

Job done! xx

What I would encourage you to consider is how he reacts when he isn't reassured? Is it passive aggressive until you come back into line or have you never fully stood up to him.

Attachment disorders can range from mild to full blown personality disorders so another factor is where he is on the scale. At the furthest point the person can almost be parasitic such is the need for reassurance and attention. Whilst he thrives you are depleted.

I naively changed my behaviour (along the lines that others are suggesting) however it caused Ex to become abusive as a way to reassert control. He was as I discovered later pretty far along the disordered scale and career success increased his level of entitlement.

Not getting his needs met (even when they were irrational) felt like such a threat that he resorted to conflict which is the lesson he learnt as a child. He actually thrived well in conflict since it was normal for him but it caused me to feel drained and then when it continued over a long period of time, physical ill health.

I would just advise caution as Ex was outwardly very gentle but underneath he had seething anger and a real hatred towards women. I suspect that women who are insecurely attached are less likely to become aggressive but this is more likely with men so womens experience will be different to men. Ex never felt he had a disapproprionate response as to him the threat was very, very real. Such as you making a comment about not going out.

The test of his ability to change is if he has genuine insight and knows that his behaviour is damaging and his empathy will cause him be motivated.
Please don't assume he has empathy as if it was not shown to him as a child it is an emotion that he will struggle with. Ex was good at pretend empathy "oh dear" type statements but his actions rarely matched his words so test his actions, not what he says. I stayed for longer because I felt he could be fixed and I thought he had the capacity for change. Both of those reasons were false.

Outside of this we should have had a great life, thriving children, wonderful lifestyle, physical attraction to each other and compatibility..hard to walk away from but I knew I was being harmed and he had started to triangulate the DC when I wasn't getting back into line.

How old are your children?

Shall we look at the real victims here right now and the impact of this toxic dynamic .....it’s your DCs.

They have an intense inappropriate DF - who has no blueprint of parenting but overwhelms them with his misguided mission to be the opposite of his DM.

This will be emotionally crushing for them - he has got it all wrong and he is not even working with you their DM in a parenting partnership. This is v disrespectful to you and damaging to them. Get him to read up on attunement.

Then they sense and absorb his emotional histrionics - so they have no secure base and will be anxious and insecure as the are bobbed about on the unpredictable high seas of the family home.

Then they watch their DM turning herself inside out to accommodate his “needs” - which are can never be met but you end up drained and exhausted - you can’t possibly be your best self to them - so they miss out.

All the while you are preoccupied with him - your finite emotionally energy is being sucked by this emotional vampire.....and you can’t have enough for your DC.

And there goes inter generational trauma.

The only one with a motive to change this dynamic is you. Read up on stuff and focus on you kids - stop enabling his manipulation which is short changing your DCs.