Total nightmare to live with can it ever actually be ok ?

[ExhaustionSIeep]

How can it be ok if one partner is so emotionally demanding ?

Due to childhood abuse (mainly emotional occasional physical) and the lack of being or feeling loved and wanted there are some massive issues.
-desperate for attention and affection (if doesn’t get this then gets distressed)
-constantly seeking approval
-constantly seeking reassurance
-possessive

Is there any hope in a relationship like this can things be ‘fixed’ and work ?

The person has a responsibility to fix themselves

In the meantime RUN LIKE THE FUCKING WIND.

Save yourself, save the kids and then maybe this guy will save himself

Life with that person will traumatise and damage all who are in proximity

Your kids especially

It’s confusing because you are being manipulated.

I had a shit childhood. I have strong feelings of rejection to the smallest slight . This is my issue and I deal with it - I don’t expect everyone in my life to pander to me.

I don’t have to act on my feelings.

Your partner doesn’t seem to have learned much from his therapy . You, on the other hand, have been very well trained to centre him in everything .

Your partner doesn’t seem to have learned much from his therapy . You, on the other hand, have been very well trained to centre him in everything.

Very much agree with this.

Please do find a way to go and see a good psychologist.

Massive efforts go into plans (and overthinking) time with the children, activities with them and a very clear and desperate attempt to always spend equal time with each so they feel equally loved. It’s very very sad to see someone ripping themselves apart and analysing everything they do trying to not cause the harm that was done to them

Oh the irony. All of the above to prevent others suffering the harm he had done to him and yet, his actions are causing a great deal of damage to everyone around him.

You appear to believe his actions are well intentioned but he needs to understand that there are a multitude of ways we can damage others and his behaviour is harming you all.

I feel there needs to be a conversation but I know I will have to have a good enough ‘introduction’ to it to try to reassure him that what sounds like criticism isn’t and that I love him but I do not think things can carry on this way.
Not that I’m going anywhere but that we need to get him some more help and I don’t want to replace me being his support with someone else that we need to find the way for him to somehow be his own support

0lga when you feel that’s at what do you tell yourself that helps ? I need him to have something he can say to himself till we get some real help in place perhaps ?

Fuck that shit.

A shit childhood is no excuse for making another person's adulthood shit.

You can't fix him and it's not your responsibility.

Look up some some on fear, obligation and guilt.

Hills. >>>>>>>>

I know his actions are well intentioned but they are completely wrong sometimes. He needs to re learn everything.
I’m just drained

The very fact that you can't speak up because of his reaction is worrying.
Yes it is a criticism. A valid one and he needs to own it. Don't sugar coat everything for him.

Good people can be abusive. I think theres this idea that to be abusive you have to be a terrible monster. But that's not true. He might not be abusing you with the specific intent of causing you harm but nonetheless he IS abusing you because your entire life is centred around him and his needs.

What about you? What effort does he make to help you achieve what you need? If you like alone time, does he facilitate that? If you are tired, does he step up? If you are emotionally struggling, does he support you?

If he is not willing to make ANY effort to overcome his issues then he is being abusive and you should run. And yes, that will hurt him but that is not your problem.

I also recommend that you have some therapy to work on why you are a rescuer and why you are prepared to accept being treated so badly. He's abusive because he's controlling you. He might not mean to but that's what he's doing and the only solution for you is to get out of the relationship before you end up damaged for life.

Maybe he can change his behaviour but he needs to be confronted with what he is doing first.
Tell him what he's doing and tell him that it's damaging you all.
Let him cry. He has worked out that tears and 'oh I'm such a bad person blah blah' stops others from challenging him. He's manipulating you.

I think I put up with it because we’ve know each other since we were teenagers and I saw what happened to him. I didn’t know when I first knew him, he seemed fine it was clearly some kind of act and then gradually it all cane out over a few months. I wasn’t even allowed in his mother’s house.

So I suppose in every sense of it I was a ‘rescuer’ but now, I’m getting tired

So you're the rescuer and he's the life long victim?

I can’t tell you what he can say to himself. He needs to work that out for himself. Because whatever you suggest will be wrong and won’t work because you don’t understand - isn’t that exactly what he will say ?

Then he will cry and say how lost and lonely he feels because you don’t get him and he’s a terrible person and maybe he should leave now. And you will hold him and reassure him of your love and tell him you will never leave and your will always be there for him and you go an get through this together .

Please tell me that you’ve not had this ^^^ conversation 1000 times?

That's a comfortable position for him to be in... not so good for you.

I suppose if emotional roles would be assigned it would be those
But I need something to change as it’s getting too difficult

0lga when you feel that’s at what do you tell yourself that helps ? I need him to have something he can say to himself till we get some real help in place perhaps ?

I hope Olga can help, but can I give my experience - I too had a shit childhood, my mum did not love me and she proved it over and over again. As an adult I felt rejection very easily. The very best thing I learnt in therapy was to understand that not everyone was my mother. This was a light bulb moment for me as I was viewing the world as if everyone was just like her.

In certain situations I repeat the mantra "This person is not my mother", it immediately calms me down, brings me back to here and now and allows me to act as an adult rather than the child.

God yes we’ve had that almost word for word conversation

Some harsh comments, as ever.

OP I really feel for you and your partner. He is manipulating you but I doubt he is aware of that fact. His childhood must have been a living hell for his current reactions to be so severe; poor poor man.

Counselling and therapy have to be the answer but I have no real advice to give on either of those. Could you maybe write him a letter outlining the problems and how they affect you and the children? That way he could read it slowly, piece by piece, and maybe not fly into a panic at what he perceives as criticism. Tell him in it, again and again, how much you love him and care about him and that you want him to be better for his sake as much as for yours and the family.

How does he cope at work? Does he accept criticism/directions there? I imagine he must do or he wouldn't last long in the workplace. How does he separate, in his head, criticism from employer to criticism from you when you are the one least likely to do him any harm and his employer is only interested in the work done, and not his fragile mental health so is inevitably a lot harder than you?

I sincerely hope you can find a way through this and get him the help he needs. Such a sad post

X posted again!

In the kindest way possible you’re stopping him from recovering because he never has to deal with the consequences of refusing to face and deal with HIS past. CBT would probably be helpful but it will also be the hardest work he will ever do and he has to want to do it whereas now he gets a nice cuddle and you’re exactly where he wants you.

You’re enabling him. You can’t change his behaviour, only yours.

I think you need to have the discussion where you see the tantrum through and calmly explain that this can't go on. Don't reassure him throughout it because his actions are trying to shut your discussion down. This is probably a learnt response. If he cries and deflects he won't hear criticism because he finds criticism terrifying and links it to rejection. He needs to hear it all through so that he starts to learn that criticism doesn't always lead to rejection.

I imagine it would be tough but if he cries you'd be best off just listening and saying I can see you find it difficult but it needs to be said and we need to work out what we can do about it because this situation can't continue.

Ultimately though I would be thinking of walking away if things don't change because it sounds really damaging, especially for your children, to live in this atmosphere.

OP, the science isn't yet clear but abusive childhoods can cause structures in the brain to be altered which are visible on scans so change can be very difficult if not impossible.

However why some people seem to recover whilst others isn't known so the cause is assumed to be genetics and nurture.

Counselling doesn't always fix these issues. Ex has years of counselling but he isn't capable of insight or genuine empathy and these are essential skills to recover. The building blocks have to be there but it absolutely isn't in all people.

The example of him needing affection but not requesting it - what happens, does he become morose or sulky?

The reality is your partner has to want to stop hurting/draining you more getting his needs met. This is the empathy part. If he was capable of empathy he could see the damage he is causing to you and it would be more important than his needs.

It is a bit like an alcoholic, choosing a drink instead of going home to a waiting partner.

I went to counselling and start to enforce boundaries. If he came in and I was busy I didn't fuss over him, we just got on with life. This caused him to get more aggressive but I still enforced healthy boundaries so it escalated his behaviour. He couldn't handle the power shift as had relied on the "control" of me to get his needs met. It was only after I got out did I realise the extent of control and how much I had changed behaviours to enable him to function. The fact that you are drained is an indicator.

If he was genuinely interested in healing he would be in counselling or searching for answers as there are so many sources of information out there. For example has he found Peter Walker Complex PTSD?

But I need something to change as it’s

Yes, you need to leave him. Nothing will ever change whilst you continue to enable him and allow yourself to be manipulated. I just hope that you will take on board what people are saying and realise you're are worth more than this crap.