Going it alone (or not?)

[Nogoodwithgoodbyes]

My friend recommended Mumsnet as she said many people reading may have been in my situation. I'd appreciate it greatly if any of you could offer up anything...

My H and I decided to separate last May but we have been living together ever since in separate bedrooms. We still do things together, like eating dinner, watching telly etc. In fact, we seem to be getting on better now than we ever did when we were having an intimate relationship.

The separation came about because we couldn't agree on where to live and I was upset with how he was treating me. It wasn't full-on abuse but he would lose his temper with me a lot and had started getting controlling around my habits. At the same time, he was always supportive of my career and had no issue with my independence...so confusing.

Anyhow, I've been looking for a place to live and I'm not sure I can go through with it. I find myself bursting out crying on the way home from work. I'm proper scared of going it alone and really not sure I have the strength to do it. I'm seeing a counsellor but it's only once a fortnight for financial reasons.

Right now, my H doesn't seem all that bad and I'm thinking of just rekindling almost daily. I still love him but I don't know if I could imagine being sexually intimate with him again.

How on earth did any of you get through this?

We've no DCs sadly and I think he may have been my last chance.

Thank you so much in advance. My friend (who has 5 DCs) says Mumsnet is great even if you don't have DCs, so I hope ye don't mind a non-mother gate-crashing.

Are you absolutely sure you want to split from him?
Everybody goes through dry spells sexually in a relationship.

What are his feelings now on separating?

Why were you going to move house?
Maybe you could both go to relate and see if things can be sorted out.

If you do decide you don't want to be with DH anymore, it will be overwhelming in the beginning because it is a lot of change.
Do you have family and friends to support you through all these changes?

Take one step at a time.

Thanks for replying @lexiepuppy. I have some support from family and friends but I feel quite alone. My mother has asked what she can do and I don't know what to say really...we've never been too close.

To answer your question, no I'm not absolutely sure. There's much more to it all than a sexual dry spell. The relationship was really awful and it was one thing after another. I've been seeing therapists about the relationship for about ten years on and off and my H and I have been to counselling but it just highlights how differently we see everything.

It's just so confusing. Do I settle for an average-not-overly-connected-to-one-another marriage or do I take the plunge and separate? Neither seem like great options now...

Anyone?

When I split from my first husband, I made a list of everything I hadn't done because of him and set about doing them. It's time to put yourself first, respect yourself, believe in yourself.

I'd say you've delayed the usual grieving process of a breakup by staying living together. It doesn't sound like it's where you should stay if you've had so much therapy because of him already.

Thanks KellyHall. I think you probably nailed it regarding the therapy. It’s surely not normal to spend 10 years questioning a relationship. I’m just scared shitless to be honest. So many things are easier when married.

I have a question for any divorcees out there. How did you cope (once you moved out) with having no-one to go home to and talk about your day to?

Hello i think you are staying because of being scared to be alone. I get that - it is scary, but i think if you thought you would stay forever with him how would you really feel? When you were 70 and 80 would you be sorry? It is weird going home and not having someone to talk to - i remember finding it odd, but the upside is no one to think about - you can do what you like, when you like. I think if you’ve been unhappy for so long its not right. What about having a break then see how you feel? Someone once told me you should only be with someone who enriches your life and I think that is true.

By the way do you want children? Breaking free could give you the opportunity to meet someone wonderful to have a family with

I know this goes against the flow but I wish someone had said it to me. It's very hard to find someone new. I'm 45 now, and a single mum, which I never planned to be, and likely to be single the rest of my life. It's lonely and I'm worried about my health. If he's not too bad, I'd recommend staying. For better or worse, in sickness and in health it's good to have someone.

That sounds worse than average for you to have needed a decade of therapy because of it.

You're grieving. That grief won't progress and resolve while you still live together.

Linking to this because it sets out what healthy relationships look like, because your idea of "average" seems a bit unusual: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Do you have friends? Hobbies? Social activities? Things you'd like to do? Pets?

I wasn't married but was with someone for 8 yrs (4 living together) and it took me so long to walk away even though i knew it was the right thing to do I was terrified and would contemplate daily just staying.
I remember when I finally did it still thinking I've done the wrong thing and my dad said to me "sleep on it and come morning if the first thing you think of getting back together then do it". It wasn't, it felt like a blanket had been lifted and I was free. Yea it was scary at first living alone but I soon started to love the independence and being able to make decisions that suited me not someone else. Any life change is scary but once you've made the jump I think you'll be pleased that you did.
Hope everything works out

I left a 12 year relationship with 2 young kids. Left with nothing but a suitcase. It was a fucking nightmare. But i knew. when i finally got a flat and bought my own bed it felt like a dream. To know i was living my life for me and my kids, noone else. Not compromising my whole being for the sake of an idea i had of what family life should be. Im not going to lie.... it was the hardest thing ive ever done (after having had two kids with no pain relief, that was harder ha!) but it was also freeing and gave me so much power. Seriously, our minds make it seem a lot harder. If you had to do it... youd just go through the motions and you'll be greatfull afterwards.

Thanks for your messages.

I’m feeling pretty scared & down. Almost all my friends have children & I just feel I’ll be pretty alone with no man or kids! My H has some wonderful traits and I’m happy some of the time. I look back at the long time (13 years) I’ve spent with him & wonder how I got something so important so wrong.

As regards your original question, at the end of the day I mostly talk to myself. Sometimes the kids or friends, but not always appropriate. Absolutely no regrets about leaving, just wish it hadn’t been necessary. Hope things work out for you

Thanks

Hi OP. I hear you completely. I think similar to what the other posters have said. I walked away from a marriage I couldn't save after multiple therapy attempts. I notice you said that you couldn't getit right. It takes two to make a relationship work and it sounds to me like you've come to the end of the road for you. I've been in your shoes. Here's what I said to myself when the thought of going alone felt scary, uncertain and unfamiliar. What would scare me more? Trying a fresh start or living like this the rest of my life? I'm glad I (incredibly reluctantly - I still really loved my husband even when I asked for a divorce) chose to go. It's been lonely but with support and reaching out to friends and family I've survived and dare I say thrived. Do you have good friends who you can confide in? Maybe your Mum wants to be there? Talking to someone at the end of the day could be a pal? I've started all sorts of activities and made new friends too. Feel I'll hijack your thread if I carry on. I just want to reassure you that even if something's scary it can be done xxx

I'm proper scared of going it alone and really not sure I have the strength to do it
What exactly are you scared of OP?
Really look into that.
I've no doubt you are more than capable.
What do you really rely on his for?
Money? Company? Love?

None of us think we have the strength but you find it.
Start looking at moving out.
As a PP has said.
You haven't actually had to deal with the end of your relationship or grieve it at all.
Time to take a massive leap of faith.
YOU can do this!
Scary? Yes.
Liberating? Abso-fucking-lutely!!!!

Thanks for both of your messages ... yeah we go round & round. It was all decided that we’d split & now we’re getting on better, so I think I should ‘try again.’ When I married him, I really thought we’d make it but it became clear so quickly that we wouldn’t.

What am I scared of? The truth is I get on much better around people & I’m prone to loneliness & a bit of anxiety if I spend too much time alone. I guess I’m also scared of being alone & childless even though I do have hope I’d meet someone I’m more in tune with. I’m in therapy but it’s a slow process!

Gosh I really really appreciate your messages. It helps to know others have been there & it really really helps to read encouraging words. Thanks.

Bless you. I truly feel for you and send virtual hugs. What you said about getting on since deciding is exactly what happened with me and my exh. I think once the decision is made it's like a pressure cooker having the lid taken off. There were several times that I think we'd both have bottled out of going ahead and separating. I guess I just want to you to know that you're responding in a perfectly natural way and you can't be blamed for feeling the way you do. Sorry if I've missed it, how old are you? Xx

'I’m prone to loneliness & a bit of anxiety if I spend too much time alone.'

Until you've properly tried it at this time, you have no way of knowing how it might be, or of getting used to it.

My ex is my best mate! I still see him for all the activities you describe- coffee etc whatever, as much time as you want to spend with someone, but with none of the down sides of them taking you for granted, being controlling or whatever. If you think your hubby is that good a person, that's something you could do.

I like my space to myself so I can get a breather from everyone, even though I'm an extrovert.

One thing you could do is just stay over there whenever but have a platonic relationship. Set up your own place but stay there when you like. That way you get the best of both worlds- and if you want to you could try to gradually wean yourself off staying there. You might notice that when you have the option to go somewhere else, his behaviour is very different. But YOU will be in control of how much you see him.

Enjoy and please let us know how you get on xxxxx

I’m almost 40...the scary age for a childless woman! I take responsibility that I spent my fertile years in the wrong relationship. I know that’s not his fault and I haven’t even started exploring the heartbreak of all of that in therapy yet. It’d be too much right now.

Thanks for letting me know it’s normal to feel this way. The pressure cooker analogy is a good one. It’s timely because we planned a bit of a day together today & ended up having a horrible argument while on a walk. Really silly. I refused to take the bate though & said ‘stop it!’ Over & over as he was being controlling & mean to me. So, I cancelled our next activity; in the past I’d have gone along with it & acted like nothing happened. No more. But it makes me so so sad. I was looking forward to hanging out with him.

I’d like the idea of friendship but H thinks it’s all or nothing. Even though he reminded me with his behaviour today exactly why we need to separate I still struggle. Step by step I suppose. I’ve arranged to ring a friend later, so hopefully I’ll be able to open up to her a bit.

Hi, sorry I haven't been on earlier. I'm glad to hear that you stuck to your guns and didn't allow him to goad you or overstep your boundaries. It's incredibly hard but with more and more practice you'll be able to see that you just deserve so much more than his controlling and mean ways. 40 is no age at all. Granted it might be that you have to perhaps explore options regarding having children but it's absolutely not impossible. I understand how this is painful th o discuss or even think about. How was your conversation with your friend? Xxx

'I’d like the idea of friendship but H thinks it’s all or nothing.'

That really sounds like he's trying to 'force'/manipulate you to stay in the relationship.:( He might change his view on a friendship in future of course, but at the moment he's not entirely endearing himself, anyway.

' in the past I’d have gone along with it & acted like nothing happened. No more.'

Yay, well done. xx

Thanks so much for the messages. Ye make a lot of sense. Why do I find it so hard to detach? I have friends and family yet I feel so alone without him! I know it sounds pathetic but I wonder if I can live without him. I guess I need emotional support (more than a fortnightly counselling session can provide) and I get that from him. I also still feel so attached to him.

The chat with my friend was good. She highlighted how it’s natural to feel scared etc but that leaving is for my ‘higher good,’ as she put it. But I wish it felt better & less scary!! Maybe people always feel this way? Maybe no-one is 100% sure they’re doing the right thing at the time of leaving?

Your friend is totally right. It's a perfectly natural response. You've been with him for a long time despite knowing early it wasn't right. Have you asked yourself which is scarier? Going it alone (it doesn't sound like you'll be alone even if you're not with him) or staying in this relationship? I know you've said that you're looking for a new place. I wonder if you could perhaps consider a house share? Or taking in a tenant? That way you're not actually alone every evening. I don't want to sound like a walking cliché but I personally found joining a couple of clubs was a fab way to meet new people in similar situations. Outdoor swimming, the local WI (a fantastic and broad mix of lovely local women) some friends started a book club (more like a gin club in reality 🤣) all of these groups had their own spin off WhatsApp chat groups which buzz away every night providing hours of chat. Lonely is different to alone. There's always a lovely bunch of supportive people on here too. I think maybe if you start reaching out that could be a good first step? Xx

And you don't sound pathetic. Not in the slightest. It's a big move and I can't help but feel that your self esteem will have taken a bashing over the years. Maybe try to see it as an opportunity rather than a loss. If you confide in friends that you're feeling scared and need a hand hold, it sounds like they'll be there for you xx

Thank you so much. I think you’re right about reaching out to friends. I feel disloyal to H when I tell friends about the reality. Then I know that it’s really ending because I would never tell friends all those details about my marriage otherwise. I told another friend last night and she said she wasn’t that surprised as she thought he had been a bit intense. Other friends were shocked so I guess some people pick up on more than others. It’s scary as I know I really have to bust a move soon. Go it alone ... but hopefully not forever. I do wonder if I’ll ever have a nice, normal relationship! Fingers crossed I guess.