Going it alone (or not?)

[Nogoodwithgoodbyes]

My friend recommended Mumsnet as she said many people reading may have been in my situation. I'd appreciate it greatly if any of you could offer up anything...

My H and I decided to separate last May but we have been living together ever since in separate bedrooms. We still do things together, like eating dinner, watching telly etc. In fact, we seem to be getting on better now than we ever did when we were having an intimate relationship.

The separation came about because we couldn't agree on where to live and I was upset with how he was treating me. It wasn't full-on abuse but he would lose his temper with me a lot and had started getting controlling around my habits. At the same time, he was always supportive of my career and had no issue with my independence...so confusing.

Anyhow, I've been looking for a place to live and I'm not sure I can go through with it. I find myself bursting out crying on the way home from work. I'm proper scared of going it alone and really not sure I have the strength to do it. I'm seeing a counsellor but it's only once a fortnight for financial reasons.

Right now, my H doesn't seem all that bad and I'm thinking of just rekindling almost daily. I still love him but I don't know if I could imagine being sexually intimate with him again.

How on earth did any of you get through this?

We've no DCs sadly and I think he may have been my last chance.

Thank you so much in advance. My friend (who has 5 DCs) says Mumsnet is great even if you don't have DCs, so I hope ye don't mind a non-mother gate-crashing.

Thank you. I'm slowly letting friends know what's happened but I find it very confusing as we're still living together. Although it's not all smooth-sailing, we seem to be getting on better than ever now as friends/housemates. Very confusing as it makes me wonder if we should give it yet another shot. I understand about embarrassment. I very much feel that way, especially when I think back to the wedding. It feels like a trauma. xx

That's because it is. The end of a marriage is just like a bereavement in many ways. Also, double torture as you're still living together and getting on. It's totally natural that you'd feel that way. I'm sure the Christmas period just makes it worse too. I was in your position at exactly the same time of year too. It was incredibly hard. I think it's good you're talking more about it. Important to remember why you have separated and why wanted out. Those things are still there. Please keep focusing on the positive things to come . And come they will xxx

Thank you so much. Sorry I'm only replying now. It's so true what you say about the reasons for separation. I cannot continue to just go back and forth for the rest of my life. I've spent so long thinking about this relationship and being upset by it. I just feel scared and stuck now. Thanks. I'll try to focus on better times ahead and will try to keep reaching out to friends (something I find difficult). I appreciate your perspective as you've been where I am. xx

Still here so don't worry about replying when you can. Stuck and scared is a horrible feeling so my heart goes out to you. I guess it's limbo. I was reluctant to reach out too (wish that I hadn't been in hindsight) Can you perhaps join your local WI? Might sound daft (maybe not) I joined my local one at the time I was going through the separation. It was a brilliant distraction and the amount of single and older ladies gave me perspective on my situation. Just a thought xx

Excuse my ignorance but what’s the WI?

Thanks for continuing to respond and post. I definitely have good days and bad days. The housing situation seems to have no immediate solution which is proving stressful. There’s talk of putting a deadline on my time in our current home in our separation agreement which scares the living daylights out of me. Sometimes I feel like the mediator is just not seeing my point of view at all. I’m agreeing not to take anything of his and all I ask is enough time to find accommodation & she keeps pushing for a deadline. I just hope it’ll work out soon. H and I are getting on ok for the most part so I hope it stays that way. Xx

Hey, the deadline sounds like a good idea tbh. You're not moving forward otherwise. Why not think of moving as new opportunities opening up. Think of how your life could change for better. Might not be immediate, but it will happen. Re children, there are options too - you could meet someone and still have kids, it's not too late. You could foster or adopt. There will be a period of sadness for a while which is only natural but surely you don't want to be stuck in your current situation forever?

www.thewi.org.uk/
Have you seen your own solicitor regarding seperating? Can you go to see one or. contact legal aid?

www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/en/articles/how-to-divide-your-possessions-on-separation/amp

Correct me if I am wrong but do you mean your ex is requesting you sign an agreement that you leave him with what were once shared assets and possessions during your marriage, and as he considers these things 'his' ? Or do you mean something completely different? Whatever you have signed as far as seperating legally from marriage may or may not acyually be considered a legal document. Also, why are you the one who has to find another place to live?
Have you paid for a rental property together or shared mortgage payments together over the course of your 10 year relationship? I may be right off the mark, but this sounds like financial control, where he considers shared assets or posessions as 'his'

Thanks ... it’s complicated but we are renting so it’s more his than mine & we live in a place that never suited me, so it makes sense I’d be the one to move. I just wish I wasn’t finding it so hard to find somewhere I can afford to buy or rent. Do you think a separating woman of my age moving in to a houseshare is pathetic?

As for assets etc, we maintained a lot of independence so it’s a case of you keep what’s yours & I keep what’s mine but he had much more than I do.

You are on the right track moving on from a financially controlling demeaning exhusband. I don't believe any living arrangement , houseshare, renting alone, or whatever, is pathetic and you should never judge your situation this way. This may be your anxiety taking, if so tell yourself- no I am not a pathetic seperating woman I am an amazing independent woman making choices for a wonderful, happier future!

I don't see you as a pathetic 40 year old seperating woman. I see you being brave and yes, scared, but still brave, to seperate from a long 10 year period of constant issues with a selfish exhusband

Your ex was belittling and starting to be controlling, and it appears he is financially controlling through witholding bank accounts and asets Especially as you mentioned you have fears for your health? Has your health impacted your ability to be a wage earner?
You showed heaps of commitment to the relationship through seeking counselling and working through things for many years. Time to put that same hard work ethic into your own life choices and change things up for a happier next ten years.

Can you please clarify what you mean when you say- you
" are renting so it is more his than mine? "

Oh just just the house was always more his home than mine for lots of reasons.

Thanks for the reassurance. I really appreciate this line:

‘ Time to put that same hard work ethic into your own life choices and change things up for a happier next ten years.’

"Daisy7754" you say you will always be alone yet none of us can predict the future. Maybe you are thinking of yourself without trusting your ability to love, to learn from mistakes, to move on with love in your heart for youself despite the heartaches or rejections and to share with others over failures as well successes. I hate that you feel so alone, and hope you can brighten your day with good friends or a special quiet outing or treat with your child xx

Could you move into a rented property that isn't exactly what you are loooking for but is good enough, for say a 6 or 12 month lease. This would take the pressure off until you find what you really want. I also think a move out date is a good idea as it will make you focus on your future and get things moving.

I did it. Best thing ever. I only had a part time job but boss took me on fulltime.

Several times you have mentioned children. I wonder how you would feel about sponsoring a child through one of the charities. You Would be helping a child in desperate need in say, Africa, and it just might bring a little warmth when you need it. Helping each other in reality.

I think your urgent step is to find a place to live. I mean this kindly but is it possible you are being too fussy. Of course you want somewhere nice Perhaps compromise just a little on your wants for a very temporary time. Can you take anything with you, a bed, bed linen, plots and pans etc. Scour charity shops for stuff, Gumtree. Friends may have extras they could give you.

A step at a time but you really need to get pro active.
You can do tnis. You can make it fun. Let friends help you in this.

Move if you want to move but seek solicitor advice first. you have rights throughout seperation and divorce.

Why doesnt the 'mediator ' mediate your ex husband out of the home and divide assests 50/50 ? instead of setting you a deadline to leave the marital home and claim you are not entitled to make a 50/50 claim on shared assets.

Thanks. I have been looking for rentals but I cannot afford to live alone & have had no luck with house shares so far. There’s a lot of demand. It’s urgent all right, I agree. The longer I stay here, the longer I delay getting on with my life.

Hi OP. How are you doing? Xxx

Thank you so much for your post. ❤️

To be honest, Christmas has been tough. My H and I did everything separately with our separate families but we have still been spending a lot of time together. I feel like I’m going insane because right now staying seems a lot better than going:

Pros of staying:
A place to live.
Security.
We have 2 beautiful pets together (who are related to one another & very attached to one another. One gets anxious when the other isn’t there. Separating them won’t be an option).
My H encourages me to pursue my dreams and be more active.
Even though he doesn’t support me exactly how I’d like to, I know he tries.
I know he loves me.
Cons
A colleague of H’s bitched about him to me recently (not the first person to). I hate to think of him not being highly regarded.
Our sex life was never good.
I haven’t seen it in a long time but all our troubles started because of H’s temper.
He has lied to me in the past-over silly things, not big betrayals but enough that it really hurt.

I feel like it’s too hard to move on. House prices are more than I can afford and every houseshare I find doesn’t work out (I think I’m just too old for a lot of people who are house sharing).

I feel stressed but am going about my life as though everything is OK. Help😔

Op,
I'm really sorry for not replying sooner. Off to bed but will do as soon as I can. I hope you're OK xxx

Not at all, thanks.