Going it alone (or not?)

[Nogoodwithgoodbyes]

My friend recommended Mumsnet as she said many people reading may have been in my situation. I'd appreciate it greatly if any of you could offer up anything...

My H and I decided to separate last May but we have been living together ever since in separate bedrooms. We still do things together, like eating dinner, watching telly etc. In fact, we seem to be getting on better now than we ever did when we were having an intimate relationship.

The separation came about because we couldn't agree on where to live and I was upset with how he was treating me. It wasn't full-on abuse but he would lose his temper with me a lot and had started getting controlling around my habits. At the same time, he was always supportive of my career and had no issue with my independence...so confusing.

Anyhow, I've been looking for a place to live and I'm not sure I can go through with it. I find myself bursting out crying on the way home from work. I'm proper scared of going it alone and really not sure I have the strength to do it. I'm seeing a counsellor but it's only once a fortnight for financial reasons.

Right now, my H doesn't seem all that bad and I'm thinking of just rekindling almost daily. I still love him but I don't know if I could imagine being sexually intimate with him again.

How on earth did any of you get through this?

We've no DCs sadly and I think he may have been my last chance.

Thank you so much in advance. My friend (who has 5 DCs) says Mumsnet is great even if you don't have DCs, so I hope ye don't mind a non-mother gate-crashing.

Some people definitely pick up on stuff a lot more than others in my experience. You've probably got so used to pretending too. Keep talking to them. Let them in. I made the mistake of feeling embarrassed and felt a failure. Go figure. When I dropped my guard I actually had so much support. You sound lovely. Why on earth would you be be single forever? Take some time for you. Try to get some things in the calendar to look forward to. A coffee or a walk with a friend. A cinema night maybe. Could be anything really. Reconnect with people and yourself. What do you think you're going to do living situation wise? Xx

Thank you. I can relate to feeling like a failure & embarrassed. I do feel that way around a lot of people who don’t know me that well & don’t know what’s happened yet. The thoughts of all of them finding out is daunting to say the least. Right now, getting some support from those who do know is important though. Sometimes I just can’t believe this is happening & I just want to hold on to him for dear life. Then other times I feel so free to finally have made this decision.

As for living sit, we’ve decided I’ll be the one to move out. I have been looking for a few months now but I haven’t found anything yet unfortunately. Fingers crossed.

Hold on to the times when you feel free. When you're still living together that's not great as it can feel like limbo which is horrible place to be. I'm definitely not the best person to advise on the practicals stuff but plenty of helpful people on here. Are you splitting fairly so that you're in a good position to buy? Have you taken legal advice on equity in the property etc?. Try not to be too concerned about what others think. I felt the same way and shouldn't have worried. The amount of people that told me how miserable they were in their own relationships once I "came out" was quite shocking. It does sound like you've got a good support network around you. I don't know you but can assure you that it does get easier. Some days are brilliant, some are bearable and some can be sad. Eventually though you have a lot more good days xxx

Please please don’t have a child with a man who controls you. It’s so good you’ve recognised this isn’t a healthy relationship before you’ve had any children. You deserve so much more x

Thanks to you both. The separation itself shouldn’t be too messy. I need to find accommodation though!

I know what you mean about children but I also find it very sad I haven’t had any but what will be, will be, I suppose! I know I’m doing the right thing by splitting but I find it lonely and so scary too. Some days really are better than others, as you said Totallyoutnumbered. Xx

Maybe rent first of all? I've moved from a house to a lovely apartment and don't miss a house at all now. It's maybe an opportunity for you to try something different? Keep us posted on how you're getting on. Always here to hand hold when you need it. Focus on the good days. There'll be many, many more of them to come xxx

Thank you so very much. Renting first might be an option all right but rent is crazy at the moment...I’m really hoping it’ll all work out. Even in the course of a day, there are highs & lows! It’s Good to know that others, like yourself, have gotten through it & come out stronger. X

I just wanted to thank every one who replied for your support on this. I was awake until 6am last night. The worry of not knowing where I’ll live and my marriage breaking down just really got to me. I really hope there won’t be too many more nights like that. I know it must get easier but right now, This is very difficult.

I'm here. I keep checking your thread so please keep talking. It's rubbish so I'm offering a handhold. No sleep makes you feel horrible in all kinds of ways. Can you get together with a pal today? Get some fresh air and a walk or some mild exercise to clear your head? And coffee! Try not to nod in the day so that you can hopefully sleep better tonight. Anxiety over your living situation is totally understandable. Living in a marriage that is over is really not helping how you feel. I can promise you that once you're out things will start to improve bit by bit. Your own space, decorate exactly how you want it or at least some lovely new bedding. How are things with your Mum? I know you spoke about her briefly before? I guess I ask because despite being 40 I wanted to reach out or run home when I was in your position only 2 yrs ago xxxx

Thank you so much. It’s reassuring to know you were in my situation so recently and it’s kind of you to offer support and advice. I’m really struggling at the moment.

I’m scared (so scared) of the level of sadness at moving out. Even though H and I have not worked, I still care so much about him. I even feel guilty for telling my friend the truth of our marriage. I just feel all over the place.

If I buy my own place, being in an unfurnished apartment on the first night alone is enough to make me want to curl up and cry. I think if I had DCs, I could imagine doing it for them but I’m struggling to summon the strength to do it for myself.

For anyone who is still reading, thank you.

To answer your question re my mother, it’s all quite distant (emotionally & geographically).

I honestly do know exactly how you're feeling and I just wish that you could see where you'll be this time next year if things progress. It does sometimes feel utterly sad and overwhelming. Can your friends offer practical support? I'm also wondering if you might benefit from speaking with your GP. I don't know you so hope that I don't offend you by suggesting that maybe you could benefit from some anti anxiety medication to get you through the next stage. I know you're seeing a therapist, have they suggested anything similar at all? Sorry to hear things with your Mum aren't good. Xxx

Here's hoping you manage a better night's sleep this evening xx

Thank you. This sentence means a lot:

‘I honestly do know exactly how you're feeling and I just wish that you could see where you'll be this time next year if things progress.’

Xxxx

It's true. Nothing is permanent. It feels like you're not able to see this though while ever you're still having to live together. I hope you're managing to sleep and spend plenty of time with your friends. How has your day been? Xx

Thanks so much for checking in. I slept last night & it made all the difference. I know the key is taking that big step and moving out. I know how painful it’ll be so I’m not looking forward to it but once that’s done, I can move on to the next phase.

I never knew how tough this would be but I try to believe a brighter future is ahead.

Keep focusing on that. Once you take the big step I'd recommend gathering your support network around you. Good friends kept me busy until I felt like I actually wanted my own space. I started a few new hobbies and joined groups which meant not sitting in every night. I now love going home to my dog (always happy to see me) watching exactly what I want on tv, eating whatever I fancy. Could be cheese and crackers, cereal or a takeaway! No need to check-in with someone else. It takes time, but keep reaching out to your friends. Glad you slept better too. Everything seems a bit easier after a good sleep xxxc

Thanks. That sounds lovely. Aw that’s so nice you have a friendly dog to come home to. I appreciate the advice. xxx

I went to a wedding which of course I should’ve known would be a ‘trigger.’ I was fine until I got back to the hotel room. I feel so dreadfully lonely & scared. I had been doing quite well but this has knocked me for six. How did I get it so wrong? How did I mess up such an important decision? I wish to goodness I hadn’t married & had a big event.

I don’t know what I expect anyone here to say. Any kind words, similar experiences or wisdom so welcome. I’ve another wedding in February. How do I do this?

Hello OP. I've been checking your thread. I'm sorry that you've had a big wobble. A wedding is never not going to be an emotional trigger especially being away from your home comforts too. Here to handhold and let you know that you're not alone. For what it's worth it's a totally natural response that you're experiencing. How are plans going with moving out etc? Can you arrange something nice to look forward to this week to help you focus on a positive? Xxx

Thank you so much. That’s probably what I need to do. Really try to focus on a positive.

I did so well ‘faking it’ at the wedding but it all hit home in a big way as soon as I left.

Moving out not going well despite my best efforts. Really hoping something good will come along soon. I’ve been out-priced quite a few times now so I just hope my luck will come through soon. It feels so scary.

Thank you so much.

Bless you. How are things at home? Be really kind to yourself however that looks for you. Can you have a meet up with your friend? Holding it together is bloody hard at times but a wedding is like torture so well done for even managing to fake it. I'm not sure I could have. Keep posting or inbox me if easier. I'll bump your thread and hope others come along with wise words and support. You can do this even if it doesn't feel like it sometimes. Xxx

Bump

Thank you so much. Yeah faking it for a wedding mightn’t be the wisest decision psychologically but I felt like it was the right thing to do for my friend (who knows nothing about my marital woes!).

That's incredibly selfless of you. I'd hope that friends will want to rally round and support you though. Have you told many people other than who you've already mentioned. A problem shared and all that. We may not be similar at all but once I'd got over the (unnecessary) embarrassment I'm s9 glad I confided in people. Even just someone checking in by text can be all the support you need xxx