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Original poster

Narcissistic mother in law

70 replies

ismellofroses · 20/10/2019 21:03

So just want to know if anyone has any experiences with this?

She isn't my mother in law just my bfs mum but god I'm really struggling with her!

My bf always does everything to please her even at the cost of my happiness?

Don't know what to do?

OP posts:
aweedropofsancerre · 20/10/2019 21:05

how long have you been together?

Original poster
ismellofroses · 20/10/2019 21:07

A couple of years

OP posts:
7yo7yo · 20/10/2019 21:08

You know what to do.
Leave.

ChocAuVin · 20/10/2019 21:09

Please don’t take this the wrong way, but “at the cost of my happiness“ sounds a tad self-regarding to me... at least without more context.

It’s his mum after all — what’s bothering you?

luckygreeneyes · 20/10/2019 21:09

Me. If I knew how awful it would be before we bought house and had a baby I’d leave.

lexiepuppy · 20/10/2019 21:13

Sounds like your BF is enmeshed with her narcissistic mother.
She will be a people pleaser and I guess she will be the golden child so she will be trying to keep her happy.

You will probably be viewed as a threat, as you are an outsider that she cannot guilt trip, control and manipulate.

The best thing you can do is go NC with her and tell your BF to do the same.

If you can't do that, introduce boundaries, like, we will see her for an hour, any problems use a code word, like , Fluffy kitten, which is code for I have to leave now!

You can stand In your power and pick her up on stuff, she won't like it and will retaliate, but it will get things off your chest.
Or the Narc favourite, you can flatter their ego and validate them. Then runaway to vomit in a bucket because you have been inauthentic to win the Narc MIL round.

Well done for having your BFs back.
Good luck!Flowers

Original poster
ismellofroses · 20/10/2019 21:22

So basically I don't know if she is a narcissist but god is she hard work!

Tonight has been annoying to say the least, me and my bf haven't spent much time together recently due to one thing or another, well he lives with his parents and his parents we're away this weekend so I spent the weekend at his.... (I can't normally do this when his mums there as she hates me for no reason, makes an atmosphere, says sly horrible comments, so now I don't go round so me or my bf don't feel
Awkward or uncomfortable) so had a real nice Friday and Saturday night....come Sunday afternoon when he thinks his parents are coming home he goes back home to be there for when they arrive home, they don't turn up so he comes to mine for tea and is on edge the whole time as he feels he needs to get back for when they get home. (He did ask them what time but they didn't answer) so he leaves mine at 8.30 gets home to find they are drunk and don't want to see him anyway so he ends up not spending any time with them which he has been trying to do all afternoon!

She is only happy if you are doing stuff for her....he's on edge all the time.
It's like he's looking for her approval but never gets it!

He's 24 so doesn't have to be at home for her! And sees her daily anyway

OP posts:
Original poster
ismellofroses · 20/10/2019 21:23

@luckygreeneyes you would of actually ended things with your bf because of his mother?

I'm hoping when he moves out I won't have to deal with her?

OP posts:
Original poster
ismellofroses · 20/10/2019 21:26

At the cost of my happiness meaning....he will always do anything to please her and make me stay at mine while he goes back to his just so it doesn't cause an atmosphere. It's horrible and he knows I hate it but she makes it so horrible I can understand.

I find it hard to please her and my bf all at the same time so have just stayed away so he's not put in that position

OP posts:
luckygreeneyes · 20/10/2019 21:53

@ismellofroses yep, absolutely. She’s a drama queen and the hero or victim of every scenario. Everything is difficult with her, especially now we have a child she wants to see.

Original poster
ismellofroses · 20/10/2019 21:58

@luckygreeneyes
Oh god! I was hoping it's just a phase with me but she has been like it with all his gfs doesn't like any of them even shouted at one in the face for no reason.

I just wish he would move out but he can't because of his dogs!

I'm not sure if I should say to him what I think his mum is like or keep my opinions to myself?

OP posts:
luckygreeneyes · 20/10/2019 22:01

Why can’t he? When is that going to change?

Honestly, she makes every occasion stressful and has caused probably 75% of our arguments over last 5years. It’s just too hard

lexiepuppy · 20/10/2019 22:41

Buy the book : When he's married to Mom.
it explains about mother enmeshed men.

He will continue putting her first. I left my ex narc husband because he always put his narcissistic/histrionic mother before me and the children.
It is a soul killing way to live.

My narc ex moved her into our house after his dad died with no discussion. His MIL caused so many problems that she made me suicidal!

I m out of it all now, but they will make you crazy. The best thing you can do is go NC.

lexiepuppy · 20/10/2019 22:44

I also left the Narc ex because he was a liar, cheat, manipulating abusive arsehole.
Just like his mother!

Original poster
ismellofroses · 21/10/2019 07:32

So really I'm doomed!

I told him last night he needs to learn to stop worrying about pleasing her! He said he will! So who knows!
I'm hoping last night would of made him realise!

If not? Do u not think it will work?

Shall I tell him what I think?

OP posts:
Daddystilllost · 21/10/2019 07:40

Yes absolutely!! Don't bottle things up. It's a slippery slope

lexiepuppy · 21/10/2019 08:04

If he can override that need to please his mother and not put her first, you will have a chance.
You need to put down boundaries with her.
Don't take any shit from her.
I wish I had been a lot stronger and stood upto her when she bullied me, my children and FIL.My ex narc MIL is a nasty bully.

I really think you do have some hope if you can get him to realise how she is affecting his life.

Your BF has your back. If you start getting too far into their crazy world, go NC and if your BF won't go NC or LC with her, I would consider walking away.

Sorry, but i am being honest.
Stay strong.Flowers

Original poster
ismellofroses · 21/10/2019 09:52

Okay!

Last night he just kept apologising. I said it's not his fault but I wish they appreciated the effort you make. He then said he was glad I could see it as he thought it was just him.

He asked what he could do.... so I said learn from this....stop putting her first when she clearly doesn't appreciate it!

Hopefully he will see if not yes I think it's enough for me to walk away. She is vile. Unless I'm helping her with the horses but that's not why I go round there! Even when I do she is never grateful!

OP posts:
lexiepuppy · 21/10/2019 10:17

You are knowledgeable of what you are taking on.
If you stay with your BF, the mother will be going nowhere and you will have to have those boundaries in place.

Read up on narcissists, watch YouTube videos. Sarah Speaks, Narc Survivor, Richard Grannon are all good.

They respond to flattery and validation.
But if you don't want to massage their enormous egos, go NC.

(I used to have horsesGrin and a dogGrin, but divorcing a narcissist means I have a lot lessSad).
But at least I don't have to put up with his abuse or his mother's!

luckygreeneyes · 21/10/2019 11:17

The only way we’ve survived is because DH had a lot of counselling to help clear the FOG

Kanga83 · 21/10/2019 11:30

Me. If I could have told my younger 20 year self to get out and take off the rose tinted glasses off I would. At 37 she's made my marriage suffer, my husband has horrendous anxiety that I blame her entirely for and she's refused to see our children for three years because DH doesn't speak to his younger brother who is the golden child. The time she did see my daughter she gave her milk (she had an allergy) and when she was in intensive care due to another issue when she was born turned up at the hospital wailing all about how she felt and how I was being dramatic with my daughters treatment. At my sons christening she cried that my boy didn't want to be held by her and that my daughter was scared of her and only wanted 'the other grandma' (first time she's met my son and hadn't seen my daughter in 15 months). The day she dies I will silently do a happy dance.

TheRobinIsBobbingAlong · 21/10/2019 11:34

Give him 6 months or so to show you he can make changes and start standing up to his mother/putting you first. If he's too weak (and your pp about him darting back home to be there for her return sounds like he's way too enmeshed) then get out now to save your own mental health. If he can't make changes now he never will. Don't kid yourself that it will all suddenly be hunky dory when he leaves home. These sort of parents don't let go when the offspring move out.

Belfield · 21/10/2019 11:53

I think you should just move on. saying to him that he shouldn't put in the effort because they don't appreciate it is not helping as it suggests if she appreciated it more then he should continue when really sitting waiting on his parents to come home when he is an adult is not really the norm. That is indicative of an enmeshed adult son. She will always come first. You deserve better.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/10/2019 11:57

I would be looking to exit this relationship now because he will always put his mother first. Their relationship is an enmeshed dance of codependency.

You cannot save him but you can certainly save your own self here from any more emotional pain at their hands.

Original poster
ismellofroses · 21/10/2019 15:12

What if I tell him to read up on narcissistic mothers?
If he knows what she is like may that help the situation?

I really love him so don't really want to walk out just yet. But if it gets much worse I feel it may be the only way

OP posts:
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