Narcissistic mother in law

[ismellofroses]

So just want to know if anyone has any experiences with this?

She isn't my mother in law just my bfs mum but god I'm really struggling with her!

My bf always does everything to please her even at the cost of my happiness?

Don't know what to do?

Buy the book,
When he's married to Mom.
By Kenneth M. Adams.

Some men are in denial, they know it's happening but don't want to confront it. If he's a people pleaser it will be difficult for him, but if you have his back you can help him.
Research narcissists.
I read a really good article on female narcissists by Melanie Tonia Evans.

Dr Ranani Durvasula has a brilliant book called - Should I stay or should I go, Surviving a relationship with a narcissist.
She is on YouTube. Her channel is good. Narc survivor. Sarah Speaks. Get the BF looking at this stuff.
Read up on mother enmeshed men.

You can get through this. I learnt about things way too late.

You are young and can put boundaries in place.

It's Dr Ramani Durvasula

Amazing. I will do as much research as possible and look at all these people and channels!

Thankyou! I'm hoping he just realises he shouldn't be doing these things for his mum at his age and that he can have his own life.

I think last night was a big wake up call for him

My honest advice to you, from personal similar experience, is to end the relationship. I love my partner dearly, but his mother has taken over our lives. I kept thinking it would be better if this or that happened, but it never is. We now have a DD who is our entire world, but trust me he'd unknowingly put his mother first almost every time.

Resentment only grows over time.

If I ever came out of this relationship I'd never get with another man who has a rocky relationship with his parents it mother.

Read your latest post and sincerely hope you can make him understand your point. Dealing with a MIL can be sticky, so I do hope you can both work through it.

Run.
I was in a relationship for 15 years (married for 7) with a man like this. He won’t change. It’s a lifetime of conditioning. My mental health took a serious battering over the years and I still struggle now - 2 years since divorce.
It’s hard to leave, I don’t mean to make it sound flippant but this really won’t get better. Maybe if he goes to counselling but will he admit to being so tied to his mum?
My ex was in a lot of denial even when faced with so many people on here saying the things that his mother did to me were evil.
It was a lost cause.
I wish you all the luck but don’t hang around too long if the signs aren’t good - it only gets worse.
Stay strong

It just seems so harsh to end the relationship because of his horrible awkward mother!

But I will plant the seeds in his head. And next time he tries to do something to please I will make him realise it's stupid as she will never be happy!

Looking for a positive - I think it sounds like your bf can see what’s happening.

I’ve been with DH for 10 years and it’s only in the last year (since we had a child) that he’s had an awakening to his mum’s manipulation and guilt. While before I was with a man who always seemed to be holding back a little bit from me (because of his guilt at ‘leaving’ his mother), I’m now left with a man wrecked with anxiety and sadness at his family situation, especially because he sees it all so clearly now.

I don’t know what our future will be like, because it seems the narcissist makes it that the person under their control has to break themselves to form a whole new self...and I don’t know if my DH is strong enough for that. The guilt and sadness won’t let him entertain NC and he’s still convinced he can make her see reason and see that she’s hurting him

I think in hindsight I’d leave. I’d find a partner with an uncomplicated mother. Not one who cried for days when she found out she was having boys, because she knew she wouldn’t ever be close enough to GC...the big red flags were there!

You are fighting a losing battle here.

You will always come second to his mother and he still seeks her approval. He is also far more afraid of her than he is of you and he would rather throw you under the bus to save his own neck.

His apologies to you are him merely paying you lip service to keep you quiet. His mother has done him a great deal of emotional damage and you will not be able to fix this or him.

Walk away now before you get ever more hurt by her and in turn him because he does not have your back here.

You are in a relationship with a man that you need to fix to make the relationship function properly.

If his mum is abusive then he will be affected by this, at best he will never be able to put you first (fear, obligation & guilt) at worse he will become like her. This is what you will struggle to believe as I am sure he is nice now, even if he doesnt care about your feelings sometimes.

You are young and if you tie yourself to a "problem" man that you have to fix to make you happy then you WILL miss out on the emotionally healthy men out there. When your life is full of pain, drama and conflict you will look at your friend's lives and envy those who have emotionally stable husbands.

This is what I did, took on a man who had an highly abusive mum. Of course I thought love would conquer all and he would get better but a massive warning is that HE isn't at the stage of knowing it is a problem. Without insight and motivation it will not get better.

If she is truly disordered then the impact on his emotional development will have been severely hampered. You often can't restore this development as brain structures have been affected and normal counselling doesnt work. Ex has years of counselling and nothing worked and it gets worse as they age. My physiologist said "troubled childhood, troubled midlife".

Ex had lots of good points, reliable, hard working and seemed to adore me but he inherited his mothers traits. Nurture or nature I am not sure however I never imagined he would have got so abusive as he did.

You may ignore the warnings as youth makes us optimistic and hopeful but in matter of love choose very, very wisely. A man's relationship with his mum is often the blueprint for female relationships. Ex hated women although it was not something he was very conscious of, he also had deep anger that he had to repress and that only came out when he had achieved some power through a career.

His mum was awful and I did feel sorry for him..it was the reason I stayed but love does not fix a bad childhood. Your bf has to work it out for himself as that gives him the best chance of recovering.

Thankyou for your replies!

I'm going to tell him what I think as he said last night his mum was being mum and just didn't talk to him when he went for dinner!
Is that a kind of abuse?

She always does it! Moans and gives him the silent treatment when he hasn't been around much so he tries to be around more and have dinner with them etc but then she just ignores him and doesn't talk!
He feels on egg shells around her all the time! It's horrible to watch!

I do get your points tho as he will turn out like her eventually!
Gutted tbh!

In my opinion, yes it's emotional abuse. My MIL is the same and my partner is always up the wall with guilt. It's really sadly had a huge impact on his life.

It's very harsh, but if I could visit younger me I'd be telling her to leave.

I hope he comes around and can break the cycle for you OP!

Thankyou!

I will see how me telling him what I think goes tomoro.

I have asked him to listen and not get defensive but we will see!

I just find it so sad how he is on edge around his mum...the one person u should be able to be yourself around

The PSTs are indicative of NPD behaviour. As is the eggshells comment.

If he usbt being abusive to you then no, he wont turn into his mum. At all.

It's a tough one. He needs to get out. Can you both not live together?

Check out Richard Grannon videos on youtube, he'll teach you how to deal with her, he knows all about narcs

Have you asked him how many other girlfriends have broken up with him because of his mummy issues?

Last night he just kept apologising. I said it's not his fault.

You do realise how he reacts is entirely and utterly up to him? Him rushing back to her, is his fault. Him not moving out of the house, is his fault. Every time he prioritises her over you, is his fault.

Wake up and smell the weeds...

I don't think I'm ready for him to move in yet. I have 2 little boys and own my house and don't want to share that yet!

I'll look at his videos 😊

Yes I guess your right as too his fault. But guilt is horrible

Someone once said to me: "Don't let your attachment to the good times blind you to the bad."

It sounds as though you will always need to manage this situation. You will always be dealing with his issues on it. You will always be accommodating her. You will always be trying to detach, when really you feel upset and bothered by it all.

Life's hard enough without all this. Even a good relationship has its difficulties: everyday rows, illnesses, redundancies, bereavements, etc etc. You really don't need all this extra shit on top.

Please don't underestimate the impact that having a mil like this can have on your relationship. And, please don't waste any more of your precious time; you will never get it back.

My problem is aswel I have a terrible need to help people

I'm hoping he just realises he shouldn't be doing these things for his mum at his age and that he can have his own life
He will never just 'realise'
He will need to be shown.
This has been drummed into him since he was born.
It's a learned way of how he deals with his mother.
Read with him.
Watch links with him.
Look into FOG Fear Obligation Guilt.
It will start to sink in for him but this will take a lot of work.
He will really struggle to put boundaries in place, even when knows what she is like.
It's a life time of pleasing a narcissist.
You don't just get over it easily.
He may also do well to get some counselling.

My problem is aswel I have a terrible need to help people

Good that you recognise that, just watch out that you might be codependent or an empath. You need strong boundaries especially if you have the potential of involving this man and his mother into your children's lives.

I think from what you have said he is unlikely to change (unless he is a teen or very early 20s). If he is past that ahe, this is him. Like him for it or leave him.

I didn't know as she didn't really show her true colours until we after got married.

After a few years, we moved away.

She was very upset about me taking her boy away. Said she never expected it from him.

Think of your children and what's best for them. Your relationship with this man child isn't it. Do the right thing and end it.