Separation- Husband does not want me to live somewhere in particular

[Sallyseagull]

My husband and I have had an almighty row and he is convinced the only answer is to split, I cant bear to live in the same house as him as itll break my heart.

My plan is to stay at my friends house 15 mins from mine, my husband wants me to go to my parents an hour away because he says the area my friend lives in is a hell hole. It's not the best, it's not the worst but hes using that excuse. I've said I dont want to go back to my parents as it's so far from friends, baby groups (our son is 18 months) etc. I just cannot go back to my parents as itll be hell. I'm also planning on sleeping at my friends but then coming back to my house during the day as itll be easier with my son so being close is much better.

Can he dictate where our son lives whilst we are splitting?

It's fuck all to do with him where you live! ABSOLUTELY NONE OF HIS BUSINESS.

DO NOT let him bully you. Tell him plainly that you will be doing as you wish and he has no say at all.

Don't engage.

When can you move out? Do it quickly. He sounds very controlling.

Oh but hang on....is the house owned? Or rented? You don't have to move out at all. You could get an occupation order if you both own it....even if it's his name on the deeds.

He is VERY controlling.

I've packed all my stuff, my sons toys and basically everything I need other than DS clothes as DS is napping in cot where all his clothes are.

I said I'm leaving when he wakes up but husband demanding he stays here longer as he wont see him otherwise so I will leave just before or after dinner as I cant just snatch son and run really.

I have also got our passports, not because I'm going to flee country but I just remember seeing somewhere here before to take important documents and that's the only thing I can think of.

We both own the house jointly. He wont move out and I cant bear to live with him.

Yes you CAN just leave! There's absolutely nothing stopping you. If he tries to stop you, call the police.

You can have him removed from the property. Especially if he kicks off when you leave.

That's not ideal of course. Are you planning to sell the house?

I just googled occupation order, I dont want to go down the route of domestic abuse for the sake of our son.

We will have to sell the house eventually. Hes claiming he cant afford to rent and pay mortgage on house as I dont work currently. Hes forgetting I know how much equity we have in either savings or stocks. I'm going to remind him of that when I go and say that itll be annoying to eat into savings but if he doesnt like me going to my friends then he can rent somewhere and I will move back into marital home.

Btw - thank you so much for answering so quickly, I really appreciate it.

Remember to transfer any half of all joint savings to yourself.

He doesn't want you to stay at your friend's house because you'll feel more free than staying at your parents. Controlling men don't like the thought of the woman having a bit of freedom or pleasure in life.

Don't forget birth certificates as well and any banking or financial documents.

You are doing amazingly well. I'm in awe.

Typically the main care giver to the child stays in the marital home. Are you sure you can;t work it so that he leaves and you stay?

I've got the birth certificate now, thanks. Mine is st my mums still.

I know usually I would be the one to stay and he go but he is refusing to and if I go it will, for once, put the ball in my court. I can't stay here, not just because I'm heartbroken but because I think it will become a very toxic environment if I do.

Angus unfortunately the savings/shares are in my husbands name. I'm financially fucked if he decides to block the credit card I have to his account.

Ok i know it's upsetting but I think you would be putting yourself in a vulnerable situation by leaving your house and finances uncertain. I think you should go to your Mums saying its a temporary thing and leaving some possessions behind then get some legal advice.

I've told him its temporary for now anyway as whilst I'm so upset I can't be here, I've already said to him its just for the times hes around and that I will be here during the day with our son (whilst he is at work). I haven't said its permanent but that in my head it's for 2 weeks and then I will re evaluate how I feel.

This is also why it makes much more sense to go to my friend's who is 15 mins down the road rather than an hour away at my parents.

I dont want to go down the route of domestic abuse for the sake of our son.

It's already abuse, you don't get to choose whether it is or not.

Facing up to what is really happening is hard but it enables you to respond appropriately, to trust your judgement, to identify what is and is not reasonable, and to obtain the right help from the right people rather than getting into a worse situation without the support you need.

And frankly, you can't protect your son if you're in denial about the risks he's facing.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

There is info on the Women's Aid website about which documents are important and what to do.

There's no shame in calling it what it is.

Set up a new bank account now - and siphon off your money before he cuts your card

Please don't fuck your son over by putting yourself in such a vulnerable position.

Your emotions are not permanent. Dont leave a house you own just because of how you feel.

Also how is it "for the sake of your son" that you dont report the abuse in your home? So you let your ex get off scott free, give him your house, and allow him unfettered access to your child, as a reward for him abusing you?

Think of what's best for your child. Don't allow your feelings to rule you. Stay put, call police if needed, dont give up your house

If it was me and there is a high enough limit on the cc I would transfer cash to my bank
Account for the same amount as half of the savings
As it’s his card he would be liable for it
I would do this in case he blocks the card or stops you from getting the savings

It's none of his business where you live. You need to see a solicitor because they can cut through the bullshit he will be feeding you. Controlling arseholes frequently lose their confidence when confronted with a solicitors letter. Trust your judgement.

Don’t leave - he won’t want to sell and it can be hard work and financially expensive with solicitors fees mounting up.
Do you think he wants you to be further away as he has another woman lined up who lives locally? Just a thought.
Don’t be controlled by him. It’s your child’s home.
Contact woman’s aid for advice.

He cannot tell you where to go. Go to your friend's. Prepare for him to completely try to fuck you over financially.

Also OP if you leave, you're making yourself intentionally homeless and won't qualify for help with housing from the council.

There'll be no record of any abuse...which IS occurring...at least financial. You should not be in the position of only having his credit card as your spending money...he's abusing you.

Stay. See a solicitor...pay on HIS credit card. Or get a free half hour. T