Separation- Husband does not want me to live somewhere in particular

[Sallyseagull]

My husband and I have had an almighty row and he is convinced the only answer is to split, I cant bear to live in the same house as him as itll break my heart.

My plan is to stay at my friends house 15 mins from mine, my husband wants me to go to my parents an hour away because he says the area my friend lives in is a hell hole. It's not the best, it's not the worst but hes using that excuse. I've said I dont want to go back to my parents as it's so far from friends, baby groups (our son is 18 months) etc. I just cannot go back to my parents as itll be hell. I'm also planning on sleeping at my friends but then coming back to my house during the day as itll be easier with my son so being close is much better.

Can he dictate where our son lives whilst we are splitting?

Oh and he most certainly WILL cancel that card if you leave. He really will op.

He cannot tell you to go to your parents. He doesn’t get to dictate where you go. You need proper advice before you move out. Ring a solicitor in the morning

If I were you I’d stay put in the house and suggest he leaves. If he won’t, then put him in a different room. Do not give up your house. Stand up for yourself.

Sorry, things have been a bit crazy so not been able to come back to reply.

I did leave but made it clear in person and via text that its temporary till he finds a flat asap. He does seem to be wanting to move out asap but I don't actually trust anything he does or says so am aware this may be him bluffing.

I recently paid for something on the credit card I have to his account for something quite expensive which is solely for me. He told me to call the company to cancel and get money back, when I said they wont give money back as too late he then called them up and tried to get a refund himself. Company said no as order is in my name. His previous excuse was that he needed the money for rental deposit but that's not true as we have effectively around £70k in savings that he could use. Yet another example of how he tries to control me and I think its angered him that I stood up to him, said I'm not cancelling and getting money back.

I think jve decided that I will be going home sooner than I had originally said, i haven't told him yet but i will be going back tomorrow.

I had said to him I would rather go down the mediwtion route rather than solicitors to keep things civil, which he agreed, but now hes pulled the refund stunt I think mediatil will be a waste of time as hes already getting nasty.

What are your thoughts on mediation v solicitor? I dont know whether I should just get a solicitor to write to him to tell him he cant financially cut me off but I dont knowing that's even a thing?

Sorry for typos, quickly replying whilst on the run trying to sort things and keep my son happy in my friends house that isnt baby proofed so many can probably imagine it's quite stressful keeping him out of all cupboards etc!

Get back in that house asap and get legal advice. Solicitor. He sounds like trouble.

You can probably get an occupation order OP. He's being abusive in trying to keep you without funds. That IS abuse.

I'm definitely going back tomorrow after hes left for work and will message him when I'm back to let him know so it isnt a surprise to him in case that sets him off when he gets back... or shall I just go back and say nothing? Sorry, I feel I'm incapable of making such simple decisions now as I'm worried I'm doing the wrong thing.

I'm going to speak to a solicitor tomorrow get 30 mins free advice and if I like the tone of the solicitor I will instruct them tomorrow too. I think just sending him a formal letter from a solicitor saying they're acting for me could stop him being as petty as he has been as he will know someone is watching him.

Don't say anything. You don't want to set a precedent for having to "report" to him for things you do or choices you make.

Find out about an occupation order too. Prepare for anything OP. If he does ONE thing to make you feel afraid, call the police immediately. Keep your phone on you.

Ok, I'll just go home without saying anything.

I'm going to call the solicitor today too and try to get 30 mins consultation but with a view to have them write to him asap formally stating he cannot change financial matters/agreements between us etc.

Thank you for your help.

How are you now OP? Are you home yet?

I'm home and I'm ok.

I had left an online enquiry for a solicitor yesterday morning and just waiting for them to call me back, I'll give it another day and call them if they haven't.

Husband was ok when I got back, said I had misunderstood him when it came to him trying to get money back even though I know I hadnt misunderstood. Makes me so suspocipis that hes backtracking.

It was all very strange, at times it was almost as though none of this had happened and we were just normal.

Suspicious*

Yes, he's probably planning something else. Don't be surprised if he either tries to seduce you or talks about going on dates.

Ignore him as far as possible.

I have been. As soon as our son went to bed I left the room and stayed away from, I'll be doing the same for however long we have to live in this house together for. I dont trust him, his pettiness towards small situations just shows he cant be trusted.

Sallyseagull I was in a similar situation to you and I did just leave because I didn’t feel safe in the house.

As your husband has been abusive to you mediation wouldn’t be suitable as he would just use that to bully you. I would contact your local branch of women’s aid (much easier to get through to than the national helpline). They can help you with legal advice and it would also be evidence of abuse in case he turns nasty.

I hadnt thought of asking womens aid for legal help, thank you @siablue

They have solicitors who work with them and my local area has a free legal clinic. You also know you can trust them.

If you are a victim of domestic abuse you can get legal aid and they can help with that.

Oh and the lady from Women’s Aid told me not to tell my ex where we are. So if you change your mind and do move back out don’t tell him where you are going. X

I've been silly and not spoken to a solicitor yet. The one I wanted to go with hasnt returned my email asking for a call back so I'm going to call them as soon as they open tomorrow morning. I should have prioritised this but I've been weak and instead busied myself and my son.

Hes been verbally abusive towards me in front of our son again, lying about the argument we had previously libby saying he didnt block me from leaving the house etc. and that I punched out at him for no reason when I was pushing and shoving him to get away.

Hes already started telling me to stop spending money, which you all said he would.

I've almost called womens aid a few times today but I'm worried they'll think I'm wasting their time. I'm also scared about antagonising my ex.

Have you set up a new bank account?

I already have my own bank account but no money in it and I dont know how I can transfer any money into it as credit card is in his name and our savings are all in his name too.

I have no idea what to do.

They won’t think you are wasting their time. Give them a call. If you are scared of him that tells you everything you need to know.

There is a good book called why does he do that and that really explains why he behaves the way he does. It is hard to realise how bad a situation is when you are in it.

I don’t want to worry you but there is a way of silently calling 999. You need to register your number with them. Do that in case he does it again.

Where does child benefit go? Start with that getting transferred.... this will also help you for any future battles

Do you have a car? Wondering if you could use the card to buy a load of long life food that you could leave in your car or at your friend's house.
I would not continue to go after a solicitor who doesn't have time to call you back. Just get a new one.