Forgiving Infidelity

[Louisa1986]

Hi All, I used to have an account on here years ago but am now back as I need some advice from outside perspectives.

I've been with my partner for 10 years. We've lived together for almost all of that time. He's a stepdad to my 12 year old son who has always called him Dad. Over the years, we've had our ups and downs. However, just last Saturday, I discovered that for the past 10 months, he's been on a swingers website, acting as a single man, and has had 6 meet ups in that time. It would have been more had the other parties showed. He had pictures on his phone and on his website profile - as graphic as they get - of the meet ups.

I am utterly devastated, horrified, angry, upset. With it being just a week old, everything is still so fresh and raw. Despite that though, I feel this deep longing to be with him, I physically hurt when I think that he's no longer with me (he moved out on Wednesday) and I just feel empty, hollow, and totally broken.

Now, I'm not making excuses for him but one of his biggest things in our relationship is my lack of affection. I spend more time telling him no or to get off me than anything else. After years of rejection, is it reasonable to expect him to go elsewhere? He said he never wanted a relationship with anyone else, it was purely about 'getting his rocks off'. In some ways, I view that as easier, because he has no emotional attachment to anyone else, but in other ways, he's thrown away our entire lives based on a few minutes of pleasure. In my view, he's chosen an orgasm over his family.

I'm curious what outside views are on this messed up situation please?

I spend more time telling him no or to get off me than anything else I may be wrong OP, but to me this conjures up an image of a man who is pestering you for sex. Are you sure it's not that rather than your "lack of affection"?

You actually have a very valid point there. Yes, it does often feel like I'm being pestered for sex. I have often wondered if he's got an addiction.

That's not forgivable. It is planned, utterly intentional emotional and physical (i.e physical pain, sleep deprivation, inability to eat and and physical shock) damage to you. He also deliberately and repeatedly risked giving you Syphilis and HIV...and the implications of both should you have become pregnant, not knowing what he was up to (google congenital syphilis).

Think on that for a moment. There are a growing number of strains of STDs that cannot even be treated by conventional antibiotics anymore. What if he gave you one of those?

Stay away from him for 3 months and allow yourself to grieve what he's done, then make think again before making any choice. Google "hysterical bonding" and don't make poor choices based on that phenomena. Do your choosing with a very clear head - clear of him.

The trust has now gone...you will never trust him ever again. I’m so sorry this has happened to you but as much as it hurts now you will get through it. I’d rather nurse my broken heart for a while than live a life with someone who I would never truly trust again.
Good luck and big hug to you. Stay strong x

He’s not an ideal role model for your son.

I think you should split it’s not a partnership,ye didn’t decide this, he did.

In my view, he's chosen an orgasm over his family.

Well yes, that is exactly what he's done. And he's done it because he knows he can.

He couldn't really be clearer in showing his contempt for you.

Are you going to accept this or are you going to bin him?

so what do you honestly think he is doing with his new single life...
crying over what he ahs thrown away of having free pass to swing away with no repercussisons.
Would you believe whathe says either way??

I think not

Reducing infidelity to sexual incompatibility or relationship issues and labelling ongoing extra-marital sexual relations as sex addiction - a sickness to be treated - ignores the fact that infidelity itself is abuse and ignores the role that infidelity plays in a larger pattern of abusive behaviour. Inherent in the act of infidelity is chronic lying, scheming, manipulation, blame shifting and duplicity which are all psychological patterns of abusive behaviour. In addition, the unfaithful spouse may be depleting the family bank account to pay for gifts and dinners for affair partners or for pornography and paying people who work in prostitution (financial abuse).

Furthermore, the unfaithful spouse can be routinely and negligently choosing to risk their marriage partner’s sexual health by potentially exposing them to sexually transmitted infections (physical abuse) with long term physical consequences, for example, HIV. This behaviour also knowingly takes away the faithful partner’s right to make decisions around their sexual health or actively practice safe sex.

This abuse of power (through secrecy) and control (through lies and manipulation), denies the faithful partner the ability to make their own informed choices. It also points to the unfaithful partner’s sense of entitlement expressed through their complete disregard for their partner’s wellbeing: blocking their partner’s prerogative to leave a faithless marriage, and tricking faithful partners into participating in a happy family pretence - a sham, a lie. The unfaithful partner knowingly remains in the one-up position, while the faithful partner ignorantly remains subjugated

Have a full read of this OP, it will be eye opening for you,
www.restoredrelationships.org/news/2016/10/14/infidelity-or-domestic-abuse/

Thanks all, you've highlighted some things to me I definitely need to look into. I appreciate all your words. This is just so damn hard, I can't get my head around how he could do that and then come home to me. Not only that, if I hadn't hacked his phone, I'd still be none the wiser. He admitted he didn't have the strength to tell me.

Thanks @ChuckleBuckles

I didn't get PTSD and need extensive therapy because I am a bit neurotic and the moon was the wrong pitch in the sky. Your extract tells it exactly like it is.

Infidelity IS ABUSE. Finding out how little you mean, the lack of connection and the hidden cruelty is the most traumatic thing that will ever happen to me.

It took me years to get over. Strangely, life is so much happier, less complicated and less upsetting without him ...

Didn't have the strength to tell you? What a load of bollocks! He didn't tell you because he didn't want you to know. He suspected you'd kick him out and he wanted to stay in his easy life and have those little adventures on the side.

That was quite an eye opening read - thanks for pointing that out. It totally makes sense.

He said he didn't want to leave me but because he wasn't getting the sex here, he disassociated sex and our relationship so he could still have me but also the thing he enjoys most - sex. He even went to sexual health clinics to get checked which stuck the knife in a bit further. Even more lies and deception. He put more effort into finding sex on that website than what he did trying to make us work. But, I can't help but feel guilty that me rejecting him for years has caused this. I'm so messed up.

He should have left you, he’s clearly unhappy.

Despicable to lie to you about it

We've both been miserable and unhappy for a while. Now he says he wants it to work. I'm so confused.

Is has never been easier to cheat than nowadays. The internet has seen to that. The genie is out of the bottle for him. Highly unlikely he will stop.

Do yourself a favour. If you allow him back your life is going to be one where you are on edge all the time. Where is he, what's he doing etc.

That's no life.

He’s selfish op.

I couldn’t live with a partner who didn’t want to have sex with me regularly. I would look elsewhere for the affection (and release) eventually. That’s fine. If your husband felt you weren’t having enough sex then fine. BUT a decent person would end a relationship first and not put their ‘loved one’ at risk of STIs and just the hurt. If sex was that important to him and I reiterate there’s nothing wrong with that, he should have explained that to you and then left to pursue getting his rocks off.
Lying and deceiving you to have his cake and eat it, is beyond selfish as well as cowardly and you’re better off without him.
I’m sorry he’s put you through this op.

Now, I'm not making excuses for him

You kind of are. It seems you're looking for someone to say yes it's normal for someone to do this to their partner based on the circumstances. It's not normal, is not acceptable and what he did is disgusting. He'd be out before he took a breath.

After years of rejection, is it reasonable to expect him to go elsewhere?

No. He could have ended it then gone and slept around. He chose to have his cake and eat it too. It's not reasonable to expect anyone to do what he did when in a relationship.

Now he says he wants it to work.

That's nice of him. Maybe he should have decided that before sleeping around. He has slept with god knows who and 6 are the ones you know about. That to me is unforgivable. You won't be able to trust him again, not fully, no matter how much you try.

Kinda sounds like he gets to call the shots here. He gets to decide if you try to work it out or not. Why don't you decide if it's OK by you or not and take it from there.

Thank you all for your thoughts. You are putting things into a really clear perspective for me. You're right about him wanting this on his terms. That is exactly what is happening.
The icing on the cake is that if we work this out, he wants us to indulge in this lifestyle as a couple. I don't think I can do that. He basically wants a swinging/dogging partner is how I view that.
I can't believe this is my life after a decade.

@Louisa1986

The icing on the cake is that if we work this out, he wants us to indulge in this lifestyle as a couple. I don't think I can do that. He basically wants a swinging/dogging partner is how I view that. I can't believe this is my life after a decade.

This is one of the most awful things I've ever read on here. OP, that wouldn't be "working it out" would it?!

His version of working it out is you not only accepting what he has done but then him continuing to do it by bullying you into a sex life you don't want! He is disgusting.

He has devestated you by having sex with other people and now wants to it in front of you.

He wants you to watch him have sex with other people. The fact he wants this must mean it's over surely?

He wants you to give up your boundaries, your security, your self confidence, your voice... he's not giving up anything at all!

NOBODY is worth this. Nobody.

You would be miserable for the rest of your life if you accept this. Please tell me you aren't even considering it, you don't have to live like that.

You're right, I would be miserable and I don't want to see him having sex with other women in front of me. When we first got together, he was very jealous and possessive, so this turnaround in his mindset to say he's all about my pleasure and wants me to have a good time is absolutely baffling.

So he's been jealous and possessive so you won't be in any situations where you could possibly look outside the relationship (in his view, not ok obviously) and once he trained you to behave accordingly he then himself started shagging other people, multiple other people, and didn't tell you.

He has essentially now issued you an ultimatum, he wants that lifestyle and he'll either do it with you or without you, either way you have to accept it. He seems so sure of himself from what you've said that he has forgotten there is a third option - you can split up.

OP do you have anyone IRL you can speak to about this too who could maybe help you figure out a plan to start thinking about how to leave so it feels a bit more real? I know it's so horrible it almost gets surreal at times.

You poor thing

He has moved out and we are split up at the moment. He thinks we need some space for a bit, and then look at maybe dating again, basically go back to square 1, but how am I ever going to live with this? It'll always be there, niggling in the back of my mind.
I don't really have an impartial person IRL to talk to about it because they all hate him so much for what he's done, makes their opinions biased. I'm starting to think though, after all of these fantastic replies and a good night's sleep, that my panic and fear of not being with him is hysterical bonding. I'm starting to even feel angry with myself that I didn't smash his stuff up and kick the hell out of him.

The icing on the cake is that if we work this out, he wants us to indulge in this lifestyle as a couple. I don't think I can do that.

Urgh, creep.
You don't owe him anything and the lack of 'affection' didn't make him go to find sex elsewhere. He wanted sex elsewhere it's nothing to do with what you have or haven't done.

Now with that being said he is really saying he hasn't done anything wrong and if you get back together he expects you to join in.. so he will never stay faithful to you again as he is still keen to shag other people.

Don't get back with him and find yourself someone who will not do this crap to you because it's not normal.

Thank you. You ladies are really speaking to my rational side, my head, which is what I need right now. My heart hurts and I can't trust it at the moment to make the right decision.

He told me that he has 3 bucket lists - one for life goals, one for family goals, and one for sexual goals. He named a load of fantasies that he has that he says he wants to experience because he's curious and he wants to know what they're like. For example, to have sex with a woman who can put her legs behind her head because he wants to know what that feels like.

He's extremely good at manipulating people and putting across persuasive arguments. My mum is convinced he's a narcissist.

Wow op.

Is he super handsome?

Only wondering how he’s going to get all these extremely fit and flexible (assuming if they can put their legs behind their head) women?

He’ll probably end up a sad, lonely old man instead.