Forgiving Infidelity

[Louisa1986]

Hi All, I used to have an account on here years ago but am now back as I need some advice from outside perspectives.

I've been with my partner for 10 years. We've lived together for almost all of that time. He's a stepdad to my 12 year old son who has always called him Dad. Over the years, we've had our ups and downs. However, just last Saturday, I discovered that for the past 10 months, he's been on a swingers website, acting as a single man, and has had 6 meet ups in that time. It would have been more had the other parties showed. He had pictures on his phone and on his website profile - as graphic as they get - of the meet ups.

I am utterly devastated, horrified, angry, upset. With it being just a week old, everything is still so fresh and raw. Despite that though, I feel this deep longing to be with him, I physically hurt when I think that he's no longer with me (he moved out on Wednesday) and I just feel empty, hollow, and totally broken.

Now, I'm not making excuses for him but one of his biggest things in our relationship is my lack of affection. I spend more time telling him no or to get off me than anything else. After years of rejection, is it reasonable to expect him to go elsewhere? He said he never wanted a relationship with anyone else, it was purely about 'getting his rocks off'. In some ways, I view that as easier, because he has no emotional attachment to anyone else, but in other ways, he's thrown away our entire lives based on a few minutes of pleasure. In my view, he's chosen an orgasm over his family.

I'm curious what outside views are on this messed up situation please?

Lol that made me laugh. He's no CK model but he is good looking. He keeps telling me how he has it harder than me because he's the one who's lost his home, his life, everything. All that changes for me is him not being in the house.
The term 'sexually deviant' keeps running through my mind and I can't help but think that is him in a nutshell.

He's a selfish twat. Imagine, telling his wife he has a sexual bucket list he wants to fulfill with other women and wants you to be ok with that ... after being caught out for cheating on you. And then moaning how he has it harder than you now he's had to leave the home.

Tell him FOATFOSM. Sounds like you're well rid, tbh.

I'd not thought of it in that perspective...he's basically saying that sex is the most important thing to him, isn't he? I am having a dawning moment here that I wouldn't have had without all of you.
He says there is a difference between sex and love, which I agree, there is. But when you're with someone you love, why does that make it OK to have sex with other people? That's not love, that's indulging in lust and fantasies.

Oh my love he is GROSS! What terrible things to say to the woman he "loves". Even if he wasn't so awful, which he is, you are not sexually compatible or relationship compatible.

He said experimenting with sex in the way he wants is one of three sets of life goals. A third of what he wants in life. He is willing to sacrifice the other two thirds of goals for his sexual goals.

Hysterical bonding is a good shout, you are thinking out of panic at the moment as you can't imagine not being with him.

An element of this is probably fear of being alone / unwanted in general, not even about him as a person. I've certainly been in that headspace before.

But imagine being with someone who respects you and doesn't want to do things that upset you because they prioritise your feelings.

He has told you what he wants and it is in no way what you want. You can't compromise on him shagging other people - there is no middle ground, even if he was willing to compromise which he isn't.

Bringing you along to watch something you are devastated about is not for your pleasure. It's worse!

If you were married to an alcoholic who was slowly killing himself with drink then watching him drink wouldn't make that any easier, it would make it more difficult.

Please don't go back to him, even from what you've said he honestly makes my skin crawl!

Your mum is right.

This is absolutely disgusting:

The icing on the cake is that if we work this out, he wants us to indulge in this lifestyle as a couple. I don't think I can do that. He basically wants a swinging/dogging partner is how I view that.

As is the thing about the woman with the legs behind her head. Imagine telling your wife something like that. Run away from this pervert as fast as you can.

The fog is starting to clear and the more of you point out different perspectives, the faster it's clearing. Thank you all so much. I think I'm feeling so hopeless and such despair at losing an entire decade of my life that I can't see the woods for the trees.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, I can't imagine how you're feeling and shock is a huge part of it.

Have a look at sunk cost fallacy, I found it a really useful explanation for me staying in bad relationships and not ending them even when the other party had done something I previously thought I wouldn't forgive.

I didnt forgive, or forget, but I couldn't bear the thought it was all a lie and I'd wasted a huge chunk of my twenties.

Have a look and see if it might keep getting your head to make decisions over your heart (I know doing that probably feels impossible at the moment):

https://www.thecut.com/2016/12/why-people-stay-in-unhappy-relationships.html

That was really helpful, thank you so much for that! That is a huge part of my mindset which I, of course, realise is wrong.

You're welcome @Louisa1986

Counselling helped me massively, even saying out loud to a stranger what my ex had done over the years and watching the reaction on her face was a huge help to me.

It was the epitome of what the fuck and then we got down to business and starting working on rebuilding me or more accurately remembering who I was before.

I so hope you manage to stick to the split - you've done the hardest bit in getting him out of the home so please don't fall backwards.

I promise you if you cut ties there will be a moment the fog totally lifts when it comes to even considering a reunion. I still feel anxious when I think about what he did but I am happy every day I left.

Being single for a long while afterwards helped me too, I learned who I am not just who I am in a relationship and more importantly in that relationship.

I'm welling up now (with happy tears!) thinking about the morning after the day I definitely cut all contact and finally didn't have any second thoughts. I literally woke up GRINNING. Then I laughed out loud and thought what an absolute joke he was! I just laughed again writing that I never thought I'd get to that stage when I was still in shock and it was so raw.

You can do this and you're already doing one of the hardest parts now. Going no contact and committing to counselling is tough in the short term but fucking hell its worth it!

Sorry for banging on about me I just so wish someone who had been through it had spoken to me at the time!

No, don't feel sorry for going on about yourself, it clearly was a huge turning point in your life and I can only hope that I have a similar experience when I'm ready to. I'm pleased you're in a good place and free from torment.

God, what a fucking prick...a sexual bucket list...seriously? That's a shocking thing to say to you. He's trying to turn it around onto you again, i.e. if you loved him enough you'd let him fulfil this list because it's 'only' about sex. And the 'waah waah, poor me having it so much harder then you' can fuck right off. Damn right it should be harder on him, he's the one who fucked thus up...you did nothing wrong.

He's only thinking about himself, and living in a fantasy world. Imagine- you're not even particularly interested in shagging him, probably at least partly because he's a sex pest, and his solution is for you to go dogging etc with him! Talk about manipulative and deluded. He sounds awful. Hugs xxx

Don't you feel disgust at him OP? Sexual incontinence is very unpleasant. It would put me right off if I knew that about a man.

I got a small bit of revenge this evening. I've always wanted to try salsa dancing so with everything that's going on, I thought sod it, I'm going to give it a go. He turned up just as I was leaving and his face when I told him where I was going lol
When I came out of salsa, I had 4 messages begging me to ring him. He then proceeded to tell me that he misses me and he felt jealous thinking about me dancing with all those other guys.
It's a small pathetic thing, but I'm currently smiling.

Yay well done for you!! That's lovely news.

So he isn't comfortable with you DANCING with any men but he wants to SHAG other women. In front of you?! The hypocrisy is next level.

He's panicking because he knows you are starting to see this situation subjectively and he wants to have the "power card" again. That's why he's telling you that he's been jealous. He thinks it will make you think 'oh he does want me'.

This is one of your first opportunities to change the way you communicate in order to cut ties with him and move on. Practice makes perfect so start practicing now.

Do. Not. Engage.

Well done again for being brave and going somewhere you've always wanted to give dancing a go

(As in lovely news you went and it was fun not lovely news re anything he said afterwards!)

FFS I'm silly tonight! Meant to say:

He's panicking because he knows you are starting to see this situation objectively and he wants to have the "power card" again. That's why he's telling you that he's been jealous. He thinks it will make you think 'oh he does want me'.

So glad you're taking advice on board and not listening to this d*ck head. Jealous you are doing salsa 💃😂.
He's the one who met up with random women for sex and he has the cheek to say he's jealous of you DANCING.

Back his bags OP and do the cha cha dance whilst throwing his bags out the door. 💁🏻‍♀️
Actually don't even bag it, Chuck it on the floor.

He thinks of women as props for his fantasies, doesn’t he?

With the swinging and differentiating between sex and love, the sexual incontinence, the pestering, and the real kicker, his bucket list leg-woman. He sounds like an over excitable 14 year old boy.

You deserve an adult, op.

If he was a dog he'd be shagging your leg.

Agree fallingirl, it's very unattractive.

Lol that comment about the dog really made me laugh. I can't disagree with it either hahaha.
Fallingirl - I'd not thought about him viewing women like that, that's a really good point.
He said he's worried I'm going to get swept off my feet lol I am grinning this morning, a small victory but I feel its a mighty one that caused him some discomfort at least.

AFairlyHardAvocado - our entire relationship has felt like a massive power struggle, a hidden game of chess if you like. What you said was exactly what I was thinking myself.

Oh he's just disgusting

That's one of the worst things I have read on here. He's cheated, he's not really sorry as he wants to keep on doing it!! Yuck

I rarely comment on posts
But I had to

This is probably the worst thread I've ever read on here
Just no words really

I just hope some of the better replies here can make you realise how absolutely fucked this is and that you deserve so much better

And I hope you had fun dancing 💃

I think initially the instinct is to get everything back to 'normal' and make the horrible situation go away. That's why you have to beware of hysterical bonding - it gets in the way of being able to think clearly.
Your heart hurts because you are grieving what you thought you had. But he has turned out to be someone else entirely.
I think that if you can get through these early weeks, you will feel so much better.
I believe that sometimes infidelity is something a relationship can recover from, but absolutely not this kind. I think your mother might be right when she calls him a narcissist and I bet later on it emerges that your family and friends have never really liked him.