Forgiving Infidelity

[Louisa1986]

Hi All, I used to have an account on here years ago but am now back as I need some advice from outside perspectives.

I've been with my partner for 10 years. We've lived together for almost all of that time. He's a stepdad to my 12 year old son who has always called him Dad. Over the years, we've had our ups and downs. However, just last Saturday, I discovered that for the past 10 months, he's been on a swingers website, acting as a single man, and has had 6 meet ups in that time. It would have been more had the other parties showed. He had pictures on his phone and on his website profile - as graphic as they get - of the meet ups.

I am utterly devastated, horrified, angry, upset. With it being just a week old, everything is still so fresh and raw. Despite that though, I feel this deep longing to be with him, I physically hurt when I think that he's no longer with me (he moved out on Wednesday) and I just feel empty, hollow, and totally broken.

Now, I'm not making excuses for him but one of his biggest things in our relationship is my lack of affection. I spend more time telling him no or to get off me than anything else. After years of rejection, is it reasonable to expect him to go elsewhere? He said he never wanted a relationship with anyone else, it was purely about 'getting his rocks off'. In some ways, I view that as easier, because he has no emotional attachment to anyone else, but in other ways, he's thrown away our entire lives based on a few minutes of pleasure. In my view, he's chosen an orgasm over his family.

I'm curious what outside views are on this messed up situation please?

Thanks ladies. You are really helping clear my mind and to see this from another perspective

Aderyn19 - my friends and family have never liked him, they've merely tolerated him because I was with him. You're right in what you say - I think my desperation to keep him at home was born from wanting to make the pain go away. Now he's been gone a few days, it's eased off alot, and I'm feeling like a huge cloud has been lifted. I'm certainly looking forward to where I'll be in a few weeks, and then months.

Hes not going to get away from this new life. Things can never go back to how they were OP, you will always know that your sex life isn't enough for him, so please, please don't make it easy for him to torture you by staying. FWIW, those swinging sites are complete echo chambers which normalise the idea that it's acceptable to 'share' your wife, like you would share any other possession. He probably thinks he can manipulate you into conforming.

That's exactly what he is trying to do. His exact words were 'How awesome would it be to have a Mrs that's into that?' and he also told me that if any guy says he doesn't want a gang bang, he's outright lying.

A gang bang is such an abusive thing to do to a woman. The fact he wants to do something like that is very telling. This is about him and other men owning women and using them sexually. I can’t find quite the right words but it’s not even about sex, sex is the weapon to cause harm. His true colours are shocking and disgusting. Sexual deviant indeed. Be careful of him OP, he’s a very nasty piece of work.

I did start thinking that when Fallingirl said about using women as props for his fantasies.
He keeps telling me that he's thinking of my pleasure and there's only 1 of him but this way I get much more. He doesn't understand that I'm quite content with just 1 person. Clearly, he's not.

I bet he doesn’t know what a clitoris is. Sorry to be so direct, but pleasure, WTF?

@Louisa1986

He doesn't understand that I'm quite content with just 1 person.

And remember that the 1 person you would be content with definitely doesn't have to be him!!

Unfortunately, he is rather good in the bedroom but then I suppose the last 10 months has given him ample practice time. I don't know how I'm going to even begin to trust anyone ever again, I feel like he's completely shattered my views on relationships, any relationship.