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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

When nothing gets done at home...

56 replies

TheMinage · 18/10/2019 13:39

DH likes his free time to be just that... free. Yet, he wants to do all our DIY himself, he does not want to have to clean our house though, he makes no time for gardening,the garage is bursting at the seams. Our shower has been leaking for weeks and I'm still waiting for him to fix the dishwasher.

He's spent his entire life procrastinating and putting things off and now we're at a point in life where there are kids and other responsibilities so he can no longer keep ignoring things.

He doesnt tell me to do the housework, but by him not doing so, he leaves it all to me. He tells me this is not the case. As I also go to work and take most responsibility for the DCs, I have begun paying a cleaner. DH argues we can't afford this. But surely, if he's not going to do it this is the outcome? He just does not get it at all.

The handbrake isn't working properly on the car and he keeps saying he will fix it,but never makes the time, but a soon as I mention taking it to the garage, an argument erupts. The door also isn't locking properly and things keep beeping for no reason (pretty sure something is wrong with the electrics) but again, DH will not pay out for someone to look at it as he thinks he can fix everything himself (but never does).

The dishwasher was here when we moved in so it's not that we're living in luxury. I haven't used it in months to save money on fetting it fixed but I would really like to use it again. I've mentioned getting it fixed and DH says I have to wait for him to fix it to save paying someone else. It will never happen.
So what do I do?
We don't have a lot of spare cash, but surely some things need outsourcing if you're not making the time or you're too overwhelmed to do the jobs yourself?

DH doesn't get this at all and seems to think if we ignore everything, it will all just disappear.

I like things to work, I like a clean home, I like things to just tick over modestly. But the way things are is making me quite miserable and I feel trapped into accepting things being broken and disused with no control over getting things fixed.

Any thought?

OP posts:
ChickenyChick · 18/10/2019 13:41

Why does he get the deciding vote?

AbbieLexie · 18/10/2019 13:48

I would just pay someone to fix it. Prioritise my list of repairs / upkeep that is required and just begin working my way through it. There are plenty of jobs for him to do if he feels so strongly about it. I'd also be asking him why he can't hear what I'm saying!
My ex was like this. He would manage to fix/sort things that affected him. I ended up doing /fixing things and getting tradesmen in. Ex said he felt put down. One example I used was a special hanging thing that I'd bought over 20 years previous and I was still waiting for it to be put up.

Quartz2208 · 18/10/2019 13:55

yes why does he get to be in charge?

wishywashy6 · 18/10/2019 13:57

I'd take control and get it done yourself. Prioritise what needs doing first and tackle things one by one. If he complains with a "I said I'd do that" I'd calmly respond with a "Yep but you didn't so I got it sorted"
Any time he brings it up I'd just point out that you'll stop spending money on other people doing things the second he puts his words into action. Until then, you're getting shit done one way or another.
I'd also be inclined to do fuck all for him. Let him sort his own washing/ ironing/ cooking for a bit maybe it'll slowly hit home.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 18/10/2019 14:10

Stop seeing him as boss of you and your living conditions. Get stuff mended, stop doing his share of household work and take more control.

ravenmum · 18/10/2019 14:19

Possibly add a deadline: "I'll be phoning a plumber on Friday, if you want to do it yourself make sure to finish it by then".

He isn't asking you to do things, but are you 100% sure he doesn't actally think it's your job, so he's doing you a favour by even considering doing it himself?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 18/10/2019 14:20

Gosh that must be such a frustrating way to live!

Sod it, just pay and get these things. When he moans just be straight, 'I have waited for you to fix them for MONTHS, I can't live like this anymore. You won't help me with housework. You don't do the garden, I'm juggling everything and I'm drowning. From now on, if you don't fix something within a week, I'm paying someone else to do it.'

ravenmum · 18/10/2019 14:20

I do hope you are not parking the car on any slopes at the moment. People are regularly killed by faulty handbrakes.

Sexnotgender · 18/10/2019 14:23

Why is he master of the house?

Is he capable of fixing things?

I’d start paying for people to sort stuff out. If he complains tell him to bugger off.

He sounds a bit shit generally though.

pallasathena · 18/10/2019 14:25

He's not the boss.
You know it and you need to tell him firmly that he's a total flake and a terrible role model for any children you may have.
Why? because they will grow up thinking that males have total and utter entitlement to veto, control and make family life a misery.
And your kids will grow to understand that females are expected to put up, shut up and accept that carrying both the mental, emotional and physical load of coping is their predestined role in life.
You have a flaky twat for a partner OP.
I really think you deserve much better.

5LeafClover · 18/10/2019 14:33

Let him sort his own washing/ ironing/ cooking for a bit maybe it'll slowly hit home.

From experience, this does not happen.

Keep going with the cleaner. If he says you can't afford it, tell him that if you are going to stay married to someone who acts like an over-sized teenager you can't afford not to.

Do not underestimate the effect on you and your children of continually living with someone who treats your point of view on how you all live as not worth as much as his own.

wishywashy6 · 18/10/2019 15:22

*Let him sort his own washing/ ironing/ cooking for a bit maybe it'll slowly hit home.

From experience, this does not happen. *

That may well be true. In which case just stop doing things for him full stop. In addition to all the stuff I said before about taking control and not letting him dictate or have final say over everything

Batqueen · 18/10/2019 15:30

I agree with the giving him a deadline.
If he wants to fix it him himself, tell himself he has a month ( make sure it’s long enough that he can’t argue he hasn’t had time), then it gets fixed.

My dp is like this, he’s been putting off booking an electrician for six months. He sent a couple text messages so as fast as he’s concerned he’s made an effort.

Last conversation I reminded him that I have not asked him about any other of the major works needed as we’d agreed that this was top priority and it still hadn’t happened and I asked him 1. If it was on his list of jobs to do at work did he think it would have been sorted by now and 2. If it was on my list of jobs would it have been sorted by now.

He made the call and the electrician is booked.

Sunflowersok · 18/10/2019 15:42

These passive aggressive DPs are a nightmare. Give him ultimatums OP!

Lllot5 · 18/10/2019 15:48

He’s doing it to make himself feel important. He wants you to be reliant on him. He knows you can’t do it so his making you wait, he wants you to be grateful.

filka · 18/10/2019 15:52

Separate the regular weekly tasks from the one-off fixes. Write out a full list of what needs to be fixed, put it in order of priority for you (dishwasher sounds pretty high on the list), put a time limit on him doing each item before you will get it done by someone else.

Procrastinating is easier done than said. But I'm also pretty good at it.

After you've sorted out the fixes, you can look at the allocation of regular weekly tasks.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 18/10/2019 15:54

Absolutely stop doing anything that benefits him.

Book the car in for a repair. Book the dishwasher in for a repair. Keep the cleaner.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 18/10/2019 15:59

Hi OP..I too had a husband like this...now I don;t ask him for anything for myself I never have done but if something needs doing that I can;t and he says he can then I expect it done.I only ask once ..ie please can you mend the shower its not working right? I get yes of course I can its no problem.Ok then can you do it now please or by tomorrow at the latest? thank you .Yes of course...it never gets done.I dont ask twice I then get on the phone and find a plumber.get it fixed and take it out of the joint household account.Job done. You need to do the same.I am not into nagging nor am I into begging him.He either does it or someone else does but its getting fixed!! And he either likes it ,lumps it or fixes it end of! My time and efforts are as valuable as his.

Inappropriatefemale · 18/10/2019 16:00

Is your hubby a handyman? Otherwise how is he expected to fix a car that has something wrong with it and a leaky shower, one job is for a mechanic and the other a plumber!Hmm

DonPablo · 18/10/2019 16:04

Ask him for a solution.

This needs fixing. You say you'll fix it but don't. You won't pay for someone to fix it. How, and when, will it get fixed?

This sounds exhausting for you tbh.

Is he a cunt in other ways?

WizardOfAus · 18/10/2019 16:31

My husband is a joiner. He constantly gets calls from long-suffering women sick to fucking death who’ve lost patience waiting for their “handy” DP’s to fix something in the home.

The best calls, though, are from the women whose partners have actually “fixed” something, ie: installed new kitchen cupboards & they’re so off-level the plates and cups slide off the shelves.

Original poster
TheMinage · 18/10/2019 17:54

@WizardOfAus we also fall into that bracket! DH fitted the bathroom himself!

OP posts:
Catsick36 · 18/10/2019 18:29

I had one like that. He didn't have the skill to fix anything but wanted to fix it all. I got professionals in regardless.
Write a list of the most important things that need fixing. Start with the first one. Get quotes, get the money squirrelled away. Book them in don't tell husband. He won't even notice it's been fixed if you don't mention it again.

Catsick36 · 18/10/2019 18:35

I got all female trades people in to really step on the point

category12 · 18/10/2019 18:47

You need to get the car fixed. It's not safe. It needs doing for your dc's sake. Phone a garage tomorrow. He can fix it over the weekend and you can cancel the garage if he does. Although it doesn't sound like he entirely knows what he's doing, so even that wouldn't be good enough.

Tbh, you've got to stop letting arguments stop you. Somethings are too important.