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Original poster

When nothing gets done at home...

56 replies

TheMinage · 18/10/2019 13:39

DH likes his free time to be just that... free. Yet, he wants to do all our DIY himself, he does not want to have to clean our house though, he makes no time for gardening,the garage is bursting at the seams. Our shower has been leaking for weeks and I'm still waiting for him to fix the dishwasher.

He's spent his entire life procrastinating and putting things off and now we're at a point in life where there are kids and other responsibilities so he can no longer keep ignoring things.

He doesnt tell me to do the housework, but by him not doing so, he leaves it all to me. He tells me this is not the case. As I also go to work and take most responsibility for the DCs, I have begun paying a cleaner. DH argues we can't afford this. But surely, if he's not going to do it this is the outcome? He just does not get it at all.

The handbrake isn't working properly on the car and he keeps saying he will fix it,but never makes the time, but a soon as I mention taking it to the garage, an argument erupts. The door also isn't locking properly and things keep beeping for no reason (pretty sure something is wrong with the electrics) but again, DH will not pay out for someone to look at it as he thinks he can fix everything himself (but never does).

The dishwasher was here when we moved in so it's not that we're living in luxury. I haven't used it in months to save money on fetting it fixed but I would really like to use it again. I've mentioned getting it fixed and DH says I have to wait for him to fix it to save paying someone else. It will never happen.
So what do I do?
We don't have a lot of spare cash, but surely some things need outsourcing if you're not making the time or you're too overwhelmed to do the jobs yourself?

DH doesn't get this at all and seems to think if we ignore everything, it will all just disappear.

I like things to work, I like a clean home, I like things to just tick over modestly. But the way things are is making me quite miserable and I feel trapped into accepting things being broken and disused with no control over getting things fixed.

Any thought?

OP posts:
surlycurly · 18/10/2019 18:53

I had one like that too. He wanted to save money on all the things he could do, and yet he never ever did do any of them. And in the interim I was chief cook and bottle washer, trying to do more and more as he did less and less. I divorced him. Now I just pay a man. It's more expensive but ultimately cheaper than therapy and considerably better for my mental health.

Original poster
TheMinage · 18/10/2019 20:12

@surlycurly- cheaper than therapy!
Of course!
I am in therapy and have been for years. I've never thought of it this way! Thank you!

OP posts:
Mimilamore · 18/10/2019 20:18

I have exactly the same problem and have made do for years.... they do not change

Mimilamore · 18/10/2019 20:20

I don't have the money to book outside help and anything I do is dismissed, it is crap

surlycurly · 18/10/2019 20:26

Seriously, one should never underestimate how much money one can save by getting rid of a husband. Cost a fortune at the time but saved one in the long run. Hence my reluctance to get another one. And for goodness sake woman, get your dishwasher fixed! The only person losing out of that one is you!

prawnsword · 18/10/2019 20:27

He sounds lazy & entitled. Does he do much active parenting of children or are they just things that make him happy ? It’s pretty grim that he won’t get the car fixed. I think you need to take control & when he says he will do it make him agree on a time & if he does not meet this time then you will call in the professionals.

Graphista · 18/10/2019 20:29

I genuinely don't understand why so many women put up with crap like this!

If give him strict in writing deadlines for each job, you'll know what's a reasonable deadline FOR YOU and your budget.

Then if he hasn't done it by the deadline get someone in to do it, I think the idea of women tradespeople is excellent as I suspect he's exactly the type to be offended by this!

Does he pull his weight generally op? (Not at all surprised if not)

I'd say natural consequences too - don't be doing him any favours and eg as he's not fixed the dishwasher HE should be doing all the dishes!

Span1elsRock · 18/10/2019 20:33

DH is quite capable of DIY but lazy as fuck.

We now have a system where I ask once and remind once. If it doesn't get done, then I arrange for someone else and pay for it using his card.

It's amazing how much it has motivated him to do things........... Grin

No one made your DH the one in charge except for you. So take control. It will save you many grey hairs over the coming years.

Original poster
TheMinage · 18/10/2019 20:39

Nah. It's not about making him in charge.

Its the sulking afterwards when I go against the grain. Drags out for days. And the arguments infront of the children. I keep quiet for them. Ultimately though,I end up blowing up eventually anyway.

OP posts:
surlycurly · 18/10/2019 20:41

You have bigger problems here OP. I think you know that.

richtea12 · 18/10/2019 20:47

My DP's like this. Lots of jobs around the house that need doing but he gets irritated if I ask. When we moved into house nearly 3 ago it was perfect and now it's going downhill hill and I want it to be nice because I'm paying enough for it!

Collision · 18/10/2019 20:50

Just book the fixers in and tell him it’s cheaper than divorce.

And make him cook dinner.

category12 · 18/10/2019 20:51

Its the sulking afterwards when I go against the grain. Drags out for days. And the arguments infront of the children. I keep quiet for them

This is exactly about him being in charge, OP. He knows these things need doing, but if you take any control over it, he blows a gasket. That dynamic is totally about him being in charge. It's about you knowing your place and waiting on his timetable. It doesn't matter that it creates more work for you and you're struggling with things - that's what he wants, in fact.

I bet he gets the things he wants/needs doing done.

surlycurly · 18/10/2019 20:55

I suspect if you examine other areas of your life you'll find he controls you there too. Friends, nights out, money. I could be wrong but I'll put a tenner on not being. I could write the script for this.

birdsdestiny · 18/10/2019 21:04

Do not write him a list. Do not pay for these jobs to be done. Do not give him deadlines. If you are having to do any of these he is not a grown adult. His behaviour is awful. You deserve better than this man.

madcatladyforever · 18/10/2019 21:08

He is a twat and will never change. Start divorce proceedings.

Heartburn888 · 18/10/2019 21:26

Organise someone to come round and fix the dishwasher.

Definitely take the car to the garage. If he can’t be arsed to do it, it’s posing serious danger to whoever uses the car and other road users.

If he gets in strop, tell him he’s had ample time to fix these issues and enough is enough.

RantyAnty · 18/10/2019 21:44

You don't need his permission to do these things. His refusal to do anything will only cost you a lot more over time by letting the place fall apart. The water cost and waste from the leak, the drop in property value from untended gardens.

Start with the hand brake on the car as that's the most dangerous thing. Just book it in and get it done. Tell him after it's done.

Next the dishwasher and leak hopefully can be done at the same time.

Shut down his sulking by telling him to stop and to grow up. His sulking has got you trained to tip toe around to prevent it. Call it out every time and then ignore it, and he'll stop as it no longer works for him.

prawnsword · 18/10/2019 22:25

The silent treatment is a type of control tactic & abusive behaviour

Graphista · 18/10/2019 22:34

I agree he's a controlling arse and you'd be better off without him altogether. I find it very telling that you've said nothing about whether he pulls his weight in other ways

Mummybares · 18/10/2019 22:42

Ugh so annoying abd i so relate.
Just think, if you were single you'd do it yourself or get someone in so just do that and think of it as practice for your single life. It feels amazing when you see you arent as stuck as you think...you have options. And car, sort it out its dangerous !! 😲

TARSCOUT · 19/10/2019 01:31

Ah, my DP is exactly the same however just tell him eg painter is coming monday, secretly I think he like it that way!

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 19/10/2019 02:52

What exactly does he add to your life?

MrsTishellsNeckBrace · 19/10/2019 03:09

So the dishwasher is fucked - but it doesn't impact on him 'cos he's not washing up ? Not fixing that other leak is causing unseen damage too that will eventually cost shed loads to fix. As for the hand brake one day you might rely on that to save your and your families life - so that would be my number one fix to pay for, then the leak, then the dishwasher ( but I would be working on the dishwasher resolution myself in the mean time )If he's not dynamic in datelining the DIY he does not get to dictate it not being done at all. Does the dishwasher display a fault code you can research on the internet? I have fixed my own dishwasher a time or two using you tube. Before you mess about too much with other things plug a table lamp into your electricity socket to make sure it's not a bad socket( if there is no power to the machine) There is a lovely chap on the property etc section on here who is incredibly generous sharing his knowledge and time - his name is PigletJohn. Tell us on this thread the make model and problem and perhaps we can help locate a solution you might try yourself without the agro of relying on "In-action Man"

prawnsword · 19/10/2019 04:08

Maybe you should start calling your husband INACTION MAN every time he bleats on about his DIY dreams

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