Have been married 30 years . When we met I was attracted to him as he was kind , loyal and adventurous . We travelled a lot together and had good careers , then became parents . We had got used to being just us and some deepish issues arose .
For example , I didn’t realise that once I had dc I wanted to be a stay at home mum . He resented this . He wanted an ‘ equal ‘ partnering terms of work outside the home , and wanted to each work part time and did not want to be the bread winner . On my part , having been brought up by relatives not my parents , I didn’t realise until after I had our first dc that I would feel I strongly wanted to stay at home . We went to counselling and appeared to sort things . I was still at the tail end of breastfeeding dc 1 and got pregnant with dc two. Dh did not tell me at the time , but he felt upset and angry because he felt “ totally fucked “ and would still have to be the breadwinner as we would have a toddler and a baby . He became withdrawn , quiet and I sensed anger but he said things were fine when asked . He , years later told me that he was in fact depressed at this prospect and felt angry and helpless but couldn’t tell “ a pregnant woman that “ .
So on we go .. after dc2 was born I stayed at home and he got promoted .
He said , again retrospectively , that he felt very apart from me at this time . He looked at a porn mag and I must admit I was so upset . I know a lot of people would say this is fine but as a mother with two tiny dc I felt humiliated . I have ( this so difficult to say ) a history of being sexually abused by a family member which made me feel a female used as an object and the porn use left me feeling that my dh used another female for gratification on a similar continuum .
I know my feelings may not be ‘ normal ‘. I said that I couldn’t cope with it .. it was k bottom line . He said he used it was he felt away from me .- which I utterly don’t understand .
I said of course he had the choice to use it but it wasn’t ok with me , bottom line . He said he decided not to use it again . I said if he did wish to then tell me but I had to be honest that it would be the end for me if he did .
A couple of years later I find a mag ( just a normal one ,) with a pic of a bare breasted woman in - my magazine in fact . .. some tissues next to it above the loo. Open and left there .
I know it wasn’t porn but I felt lied to as it felt similar .
It has affected my trust in him
.
I feel I should in some ways have left him
But I didn’t as two small dc and no job .
It’s harmed our relationship as I feel so fragile about it and that he would risk our relationship for that - I tried and tried to rationalise it and we also had counselling .
Since then it’s like the elephant in the room in our relationship . He says he genuinely didn’t consider it as porn .
I feel so terrible because the effects of the abuse is probably affecting and distorting something that other women would not see as a problem . Yes , we and I had counselling . It feels like a wound still . He has withdrawn as he used to and seems to have lost confidence . We have tried and tried . He says he loves me and wants us to be happy yet he won’t cuddle me or anything as he feels anxious now .
We are like flat mates.
I know we are both decent people who used to have fun and share things . We both feel sad .
We don’t know wether to split up or to try , somehow to improve things . We are not going to counselling again .