Abusive ex has got in touch with adult DD

[LivingMyVestLife]

I found out by accident today. She's 22 and lives at home. She'd used my laptop and left her emails logged in, when I went to close the page there was his name at the top of the page. I had a panic attack just seeing it. He was extremely violent, including while I was pregnant, and left when she was a baby. With the support of my family I threw him out. There followed a terrifying period during which time he repeatedly threatened to abduct her and kill me. He tried to once but the police arrived. Many other incidents and a panic button installed by police. They never charged him. We moved away and he gave up. The relevance being, I have virtually no proof. Do I tell her what he did? I read the emails - he blamed me for splitting up the family and she agreed. Would she even believe me? I'm in shock and so confused.

Sorry if Parenting is the wrong section, I wasn't sure where it should go.

I'm sorry you're going through something so horrible. I've no advice, but Relationships might be a better area for this topic. It gets more traffic and there's bound to be people who can offer advice!

Thanks so much Callisto, I've just reported it to get it moved (I think that's how it works?).

What have you told her already. I would tell her your side of the story, but it is up to her if she keeps intouch with him.

That's the problem, I only ever told her, many years ago, that he hadn't been a good or kind person and that was why we didn't see him anymore. Probably a stupid thing to say. My family pretend it didn't happen and he's never mentioned. I've always been too ashamed to talk about it to anyone.

No what you said was age appropriate at the time (and not a lie, as he wasn't a kind person and wasn't nice to you). Maybe try and talk to her now though, as she's older now and needs to be armed with the facts to protect herself

This may sound stupid but could you not show her this thread.
I don't mean shuv it in her face, but as part of the chat that you are going to have to have.
She deserves to know the truth and it may not be easy for you, otherwise he gets to win by convincing her it was all down to you. I'm so sorry this is happening, how can you prepare for this happening? I guess you just have to hope they never turn up.
Hopefully she will see what he's like for herself.

I'm wondering whether I need to protect her, because he only ever attacked me, and I'm also scared she'll think I'm lying and hate me. I think she's always longed for a relationship with him and will disbelieve me to protect that.

He was very charming and convincing in the emails, and they've met up at least once. I feel so sick. But I'm also wondering if I need to separate out what is about me and what is about her.

I don't think she'd forgive me for reading her emails, and she'd have a point. I'm just so frightened of him still that I felt I had to find out what was going on.

Isn't there a law for women to request info on the relevant police records of men in their lives? It's mainly for women who get together with men who have abusive pasts, but I wonder if there's scope in your daughter's case as well, given the history? If there's any way she could apply for this, at least she would know it was real, because presumably there would be records of the panic alarm etc.

Isn't there a law for women to request info on the relevant police records of men in their lives? It's mainly for women who get together with men who have abusive pasts, but I wonder if there's scope in your daughter's case as well, given the history? If there's any way she could apply for this, at least she would know it was real, because presumably there would be records of the panic alarm etc.

DH has just offered to leave no stone unturned in finding any court record of the injunction. I had to do a sworn affidavit detailing his violent behaviour. Although I guess he could still say I made it up. DH is also worried he still has vindictive feelings towards me (he's never stopped stalking me on social media) and that I or our young children might be at risk.

You need to have a sensitive but frank conversation warning her of the risks, both to you, your existing family and to her. It will potentially be more difficult if you haven't had this open dialogue before now, but it's really important for her to be clear on the risks and then as a young adult she can consider her choices.

You're right, Wallow. I guess I'm just increasingly afraid that she'll go into complete denial and I'll lose her completely. DH agrees she's likely to put up every possible barrier to believing the truth. Has anyone out there ever had to do anything similar? How can I persuade her of the true version of events?

Yes tell her everything. Absolutely everything. When women hide the truth this is what happens. They leave their kids vulnerable. I wish you masses of luck but don't wait another minute. Even if she doesn't believe it all it should give her pause for thought.

I think you have to be factual and forget any attempt to persuade. She has already started forming a relationship with him so you need to avoid giving her an argument to rail against.

I'm sorry you went through that and I hope you're able to speak openly with your daughter.

I have had this exact conversation with my child, but I have kept this as an ongoing dialogue since he was young, to ensure I kept them safe. We tried supervised indirect contact (I set up an email I could monitor) at one stage but my child soon lost interest as they were disappointed. It sounds like you are worried about your relationship with your daughter, I would suggest that you empathise with her and how hard it must have been she hasn't had her dad around, and show you're coming from a place of compassion and love.

You may not be able to persuade her of the truth, however, if she pursues a relationship with him it's very likely he'll show his true colours sooner or later. Tell her everything, but I think you'll then have to leave it to her to go her own way, while keeping an eye to try and make sure she's safe.

I'm sorry you're having to relive all the shit this has brought up

It’s sickening that he blamed you for the break up and she agreed. I think she needs to know the whole truth, every detail. She’s old enough to know now.
I’m surprised she’s happy to live at home with you as an adult, but to dismiss you so readily in her email exchange with her dad.

Dave you've hit the nail on the head there. She's superficially civil and we get on well but underneath she's simmering with resentment. I try to make sure she can express it without feeling I'll get angry or argue, but I've obviously got it wrong as she still keeps it all bottled up. But I suppose that's what I've unintentionally modelled for her.

Wallow you make a good point about empathy. I think I need to take a few days to settle my own emotions so I can hear hers better. Thank you for all the advice.

Yes look after yourself, you've had a huge shock, sorry you're having to deal with this again.

Maybe instead of saying you read her emails, you could start to tell her the story of her Dad now that she is old enough to understand. You tried to protect her in the past but it's been a difficult thing to keep from her. Tell her your story.

Thank you for all the kind and wise responses. I don't know why but I was expecting to be told off. Just that compassion alone has been very calming.

I like the storytelling point, Comedy. It might help get the truth across if I just think of it as telling her my story rather than trying to pick out bits to convince her.