Abusive ex has got in touch with adult DD

[LivingMyVestLife]

I found out by accident today. She's 22 and lives at home. She'd used my laptop and left her emails logged in, when I went to close the page there was his name at the top of the page. I had a panic attack just seeing it. He was extremely violent, including while I was pregnant, and left when she was a baby. With the support of my family I threw him out. There followed a terrifying period during which time he repeatedly threatened to abduct her and kill me. He tried to once but the police arrived. Many other incidents and a panic button installed by police. They never charged him. We moved away and he gave up. The relevance being, I have virtually no proof. Do I tell her what he did? I read the emails - he blamed me for splitting up the family and she agreed. Would she even believe me? I'm in shock and so confused.

I think it might be better if you wrote it down in a letter. Keep it completely factual. Then you can have a more emotive conversation afterwards.

If she genuinely left her emails open on your laptop and his name was at the top, then she has no reason to be angry with you for knowing she is in contact with him.

My first thought was to get your mother to talk to her, but if she isn't so reliable, then I think you are going to have to broach it yourself. "DD, you left your emails open on on laptop the other day, and I saw your father's name. I know we have never really discussed why we split up. If you want to talk to me about how it happened from my perspective, then all you need to do is ask."

Wibdib you understand it so well. Ine reason I always froze up about telling her the truth was an educational psychologist telling me I had to just tell her he was young and silly or she would internalise everything that was bad about him. So I felt I couldn't tell her he was just young and silly, because that was a lie, but I couldn't tell her the truth either.

Even if you do tell she may say, well that was 2o odd years ago. But that's the risk you have to take, you tell her yourside and she decides what to do next. I expect the battle will continue, but hopefully soon it will settle, whether she chooses to see her dad or not.

I spoke to Women's Aid earlier. We discussed having the conversation with her, me and a counsellor/mediator present, and she thought Relate might be able to help. She also thought I should be able to get police records from the local station. With those and the court records I'll have some solid evidence. I'll give my account, apologise for leaving her in the dark and listen to what she has to say. I then have to respect her decision but make sure I keep myself safe. At the very least it will hopefully put her on her guard so she's safer. But she's an adult and I can't stop her having a relationship with him if she still wants to, once she knows the truth.

Whatever you do, don't mention Mumsnet specifically, say it came up with a friend/work colleague.
You don't want to risk the change she comes on here and manages to find this thread, as then she'll know you've read her emails and you're lying to her.
That will just feed into her belief that you're not to be trusted and you can't risk anything that will push her more towards her father

(risk the chance, not the change...)

Good luck livingmyvestlife. I can't imagine that you're going through but i wish you well.