Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Abusive ex has got in touch with adult DD

58 replies

LivingMyVestLife · 17/10/2019 19:42

I found out by accident today. She's 22 and lives at home. She'd used my laptop and left her emails logged in, when I went to close the page there was his name at the top of the page. I had a panic attack just seeing it. He was extremely violent, including while I was pregnant, and left when she was a baby. With the support of my family I threw him out. There followed a terrifying period during which time he repeatedly threatened to abduct her and kill me. He tried to once but the police arrived. Many other incidents and a panic button installed by police. They never charged him. We moved away and he gave up. The relevance being, I have virtually no proof. Do I tell her what he did? I read the emails - he blamed me for splitting up the family and she agreed. Would she even believe me? I'm in shock and so confused.

OP posts:
glitterfarts · 17/10/2019 22:31

I think you need to tell her everything, but at the end stress, really stress to her that she must never, ever tell her father where you live or work, as it would literally be life threatening to yourself, your DH and her siblings.

If she want's to be in contact, fine, but she is not to breach your privacy and if she has, she must tell you, so you can protect yourself, given his previous threats to kill you.

Really be clear, open and honest. She can decide, but you may need to set her free to go form her own opinion of him and let her come back to you in her time, as otherwise it could be really dangerous for you all.

RolytheRhino · 17/10/2019 22:35

I would pretend you don't know he's been in contact, sit her down and say that, now she's an adult, you feel that you owe her the full story about her dad. Say it's been brought on by someone on Mumsnet saying she feels she needs to find her father if she asks.

cometothinkofit · 17/10/2019 22:43

I agree with RolytheRhino

Original poster
LivingMyVestLife · 17/10/2019 22:56

That sounds like a good way to frame the conversation - thanks Roly. I'm currently most scared that she'll disbelieve me and run to him with the tale, causing some awful punishment for me. Over 20 years on and I'm still terrified of him. I have to make her understand how dangerous the situation might be for me.

OP posts:
helpmum2003 · 17/10/2019 23:13

Might it be worth seeking advice from police?

PumpkinP · 17/10/2019 23:21

This is why I think people should be honest with their children from the beginning. I don’t get why people aren’t. This is what happens, Now she may not believe you. A similar thing happened with a family member and now the boy lives with the abusive father and he thinks his mum is a liar.

wibdib · 17/10/2019 23:54

Might also be worth including your worries that he might at some point try to find you again, and that would mean going back to the police to get panic buttons in place, a marker against the address in case you have to call 999 in an emergency, say that just talking to her about it is something that is bringing back panic attacks and worry for you, which is silly because there's no reason to think that he should be in contact now rather than 5 or 10 years ago or 5 or 10 years in the future... but that now she is old enough to be told, she needs to understand how dangerous he was and could continue to be.

You also need to remind her that when you first met him, he was utterly charming to start with, that's why you fell in love and [insert good bit of relationship] but that as often happens in pregnancy, the male partner can come incredibly violent, as happened and you're just so glad that you both managed to escape alive. So that you start to set up the scene for her to realise that he can be charming and nice and kind if he wants to be but that soon disappeared...

Might be worth talking to Women's Aid and the local police (just their everyday number) to see if they can give you any advice on the situation too.

Dumptyhumpty101 · 18/10/2019 06:29

I eco what previous posters have said. You have to tell her the facts to make sure she is forearmed without telling her what to do.

How is her relationship with her step father? If it is better than yours is it worth asking him to be there for the conversation?

Original poster
LivingMyVestLife · 18/10/2019 06:58

Her relationship with her step father is excellent and they're close. We did discuss last night whether it would be better with both of us. I think it will be harder for her to write it off if it's not just me. But she might also feel we're ambushing her. She gets very defensive very fast and once the walls go up they normally stay up.

OP posts:
Original poster
LivingMyVestLife · 18/10/2019 07:07

Wibdib you make many good points there, thank you. Particularly about how charming and persuasive he can be. I tried Women's Aid so many times yesterday but they're so busy I couldn't get through. I'll keep trying today.

OP posts:
Itallt0omuch · 18/10/2019 07:14

I think I'd ask the stepdad to be in the house but the conversation should be you and her.

PrincessRaven · 18/10/2019 07:36

When women hide the truth this is what happens. They leave their kids and other women vulnerable

This, of course it needs to be age appropriate. Vindictive, manipulative people will do anything they can to hurt the people they have fixated on

Clangus00 · 18/10/2019 08:01

Good luck OP X.

Takethebullbth · 18/10/2019 08:10

OP you need to tell her the facts. My Daughters Father left us when she was 1, choosing never to see her again or pay child support. He was nowhere near as unhinged as your ex, just selfish. I never ran him down to her while she was growing up, as l guess I had hoped that eventually he would grow up & they would be able to have some kind of relationship. At 21 she went to visit him & her 4 younger half siblings. She returned a different girl. They had a massive falling out & once back she spat at me “why didn’t you warn me about what an asshole he is”. (Absolutely livid). I replied it had been 20 plus years ago & (I thought) not relevant to any relationship they might want to have. How wrong I was. My Daughter has not spoken to me for 5 yrs. Its a rock & a hard place situation but in your case, absolutely tell her what happened at that time.

Witchinaditch · 18/10/2019 08:57

Can a trusted family member tell her the truth? I find it hard to believe your daugther who you raised wouldn’t believe you if you just sat down and had an honest conversation with her.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 18/10/2019 09:04

Can a trusted family member tell her the truth?

That's actually a good idea, she's less likely to get emotive and hopefully it'll remove the doubt around the content being truthful it not. Especially if the person telling her has seen, and been involved with his behaviour

aweedropofsancerre · 18/10/2019 09:07

My eldest DS saw his biological father when he was 20. He had NC via court processes and I had to send his dad annual photos and update to him. When my DS was of age I explained the reasoning behind the court decisions, Said jt would always be up to him when he was older if he wanted to see him. When he did meet him his dad hadn’t changed, hadn’t got married , no more kids and still acting like he did in his 20s/30s. Gives him wads of cash and takes him out for pints. My DS hardly communicates with him and sees him like a distant relative. Your DD has probably created a fantasy in her head about her absent father. She is entitled to a relationship with him however she needs to understand the past and ensure she doesn’t put you at risk. Good luck

Original poster
LivingMyVestLife · 18/10/2019 09:14

I thought about asking my mother, who she's very close to, but I'm not sure I trust her to tell the whole truth. After the restraining order he called her while I was there. He read her parts of my affidavit and was laughing about how 'unbelievable' they were. Really graphic stuff that I could barely bring myself to tell my solicitors. He was such a convincing liar that he had me doubting myself sometimes. I think she was never quite sure of my account after that call. She facilitated contact between them behind my back for a while, until I found out. She wanted to pretend none of it had happened as she found it so distasteful.

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 18/10/2019 09:23

If you have any official documents or can get police reports do.

Basically you do need to inform her. But you are powerless as to what she does. But as a PP said do stress that she cannot compromise the family safety under any circumstances and that if she does she must tell you.

Aussiebean · 18/10/2019 09:30

I was going to say get your family to also talk about them needing to help you get away.

But maybe you mum isn’t the best for that.

My thought was that the more other people tell her what happened it may help with the doubt

aweedropofsancerre · 18/10/2019 09:44

Don’t get your mum involved, she can’t be trusted. I would be interested how her father managed to find her?

LollyBeebee123 · 18/10/2019 09:50

I grew up in a similar situation, although my mum stayed until I was 10 so I have my own memories of the abuse. She’s an adult and needs to know exactly what happened. She knows you and loves you, she doesn’t know him from Adam. She could even be in danger from him and indirectly putting you in danger too. Talk it through with her and tell her about your fear and worries.

NotStayingIn · 18/10/2019 09:56

I agree don’t get your mom involved. Get as much proof as you can. But ultimately all you can do for now is tell her knowing she will still go forth and meet with him anyway. And support her with that praying that slowly she will start to see the truth. Good luck OP.

wibdib · 18/10/2019 10:12

Remember too that your dd shares half her genes with her dad - she is going to be looking for similarities and differences...

So some things will be obvious immediately - hair colour, height, nose, eyes etc - but once those have been quickly ticked off, she may well be looking for other connections and if she has found him charming then that could be a big tick for him. If you then have to tell her that he’s a dangerous abusive ex who was threatening to kill you that’s a whole different thing to get her head around because it might cause her to have to look inside herself and worry that there might be some of that in her too. Much easier to believe what you have seen with her own eyes - a charming man - and think that’s who I’m related to.

RolytheRhino · 18/10/2019 11:36

I find it hard to believe your daugther who you raised wouldn’t believe you if you just sat down and had an honest conversation with her

This. If she takes the word of this virtual stranger over yours, you've got big problems. If I were you, I'd just state the facts clearly and ask if she has any questions.

Swipe left for the next trending thread