Would you sleep the night at your ex’s house if you had a partner?

[Cherryblossom200]

Hi all,

Just wondering, my ex is coming to stay at my house with my DD for a few days over Christmas. The DD is our child...

I’m curious as to whether he is with someone new. I don’t think I would do that if I had a partner.

"I feel it would do more harm to my DD’s well being if he pulled out completely. "

I really doubt it. She's met him once and what happens after this trip? He pisses off back to Oz for another 3/4 years?

I also wouldn't want to involve him in her bedtime routine. I think that would be really unsettling.

You're in denial . You keep saying this was your family's idea.

You are bringing in a stranger to take part in a bedtime routine ? You must be mad .

Would you sleep the night at your ex’s house if you had a partner?

So OP what exactly did you mean by this title ?

There’s an obvious conflict of interests here. You have hidden romantic interests in this man and the conflict has led you to reintroduce a man who has shown and is not showing any commitment to her.

Your haven’t been honest with yourself and
It really is unfair to reintroduce a main into your DD’s life who has bailed on her before and most importantly has to be ‘managed’ in the hope that he doesn’t do it again. The dangerous precedent you’ve setting here (if he can be bothered to maintain a relationship without your constant prodding) is your DD taking on your current role of cajoling and prodding.

Actually it was my family who suggested I have him stay.

I do value people’s opinions, do some degree on here. However, sometimes I think people take things a little too far on here. Calling me an liar etc without actually knowing the complete story. There are some parts I strangely enough don’t wish to share with a group of people I’ve never met.

I don’t like people suggested that I don’t have my DD’s best interests at heart. I have completed shielded her from her father, done everything on my own and never once begged him to come back. I am far from a doormat.

I am only human. Yes I do to some degree still have feelings for my ex. We have a child together. However after 5 years I have never shown him I am interested and maintained a safe distance, gently building up contact for my DD.

He asked if he could spend time with her at Christmas, not me. I have not cajoled I’m into making him spend time with us. That was entirely his decision.

Thanks for your advice. Some of it is giving me food for thought.

I think I’ll leave it there now 😊

I have completed shielded her from her father, done everything on my own and never once begged him to come back.

OP, I dont want to be a dick. But you arent. You know if you say he cant stay he will cancel. How is that shielding her? Having a father who does that kid of thing is more damaging that not having him at all.

Your entire post here is wondering about wether he has a partner or not. That's not about your dd or their relationship. That's about your relationship with him.

Just sent my ex a message telling him to not contact us again.

Thanks for the advice, I’ve taken it 👍

He asked if he could spend time with her at Christmas.

You do not have to comply with his request. I would not expose DD to this untrustworthy and unreliable man who pressured you to abort her, has ignored her for most of her life, didn’t even ask her name for 3 years, and has never offered emotional or financial support. However, if you are determined to allow contact, going to the theater is more appropriate than his staying in DD’s home and doing her bedtime.

Actually it was my family who suggested I have him stay.

But she's your daughter. You have to set her boundaries, no else. You really need to work on your own boundaries as well. You've posted about numerous other men you've briefly dated, or obviously wanted to date. Asking about them taking on the fatherly role for your daughter, how to discuss having more kids with them, and even moving to another country. Within months.

And trust me, he knows you're interested. You've posted about him countless time. It will be blatantly obvious to him.

Lots of us want the fairytale. But it will never be that unless you rein yourself in.

Well, that escalated quickly

How would he know I’m interested. I very much doubt he spends time on mumsnet. Plus friends who have read my messages to him have said that I always sound formal, and never deviate from my DD. It’s him which which tends to go off subject and I pull him back to my DD. I just post on here my thoughts, I don’t show that to him.

And please don’t go on about boundaries. I dated one guy briefly for a few months last year. That’s the only person I’ve dated in 5 years. I’ve been so single my friends and family are worried 😆

I’ve not introduced my DD to one man I’ve been with other than friends.

After my ‘brief’ unsuccessful venture into dating I took time to revaluations things and continue to stay single, I probably will always be single.

Category things escalate very quickly on mumsnet I’ve noticed. Lots of keyboard warriors 😆😆😆

Well, that's quite definitive.

Not sure why you didnt go down the route of just not letting him stay, then if he cancelled cutting contact with him.

But I do think, if you know he will be flaky on your dd, this is probably for the best.

Opinions can be blunt, but sometimes a reality check is needed.

@category12 meant you escalated things quickly by texting your ex and cutting contact with him! And they're right. If it's true.

You've done the right thing to be honest. He is literally just a sperm donor. I hope he isn't on the birth certificate.

To be very honest, I think if he had stayed over for any length of time, you'd have got your hopes up again about a relationship, which may or may not have been his fault. And you'd have probably ended up pregnant again. Best to keep things simple and see him as what he is: a sperm donor. He's good for nothing else. A decent bloke would have stayed. He ran away. That tells you all you need to know about him.

I have sent him a message ceasing contact. It’s a shame as he has stayed true to his word and maintained contact with my DD for two years. Keeping FaceTime calls with her. But like you have all said it’s not good for her. You’ve made me realise it’s better he isn’t in her life.

I’ve just explained he won’t be coming for Christmas and my DD is fine about it. She barely knew him, so better now than later.

You seem very dramatic, very all or nothing, op. I read your other thread a while back about a new boyfriend you were hoping would be a great dad to your dd and such, and you got pulled up short by people then. Are you aware of this tendency to run ahead of yourself and romanticise?

It really is best he stays away. He is just a stranger to your DD and he's still a stranger to you.

He's a bad guy. He ran away. Cowardly, irresponsible, deadbeat.
Having him around would just lead to endless disappointment for your DD. No one can make him be a father. He has shown in every way that he truly doesn't care.

How weird...most posters were just advising you not to have him actually stay with you, not that you should cut him off completely.