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Original poster

Would you sleep the night at your ex’s house if you had a partner?

95 replies

Cherryblossom200 · 17/10/2019 18:43

Hi all,

Just wondering, my ex is coming to stay at my house with my DD for a few days over Christmas. The DD is our child...

I’m curious as to whether he is with someone new. I don’t think I would do that if I had a partner.

OP posts:
TheStuffedPenguin · 19/10/2019 00:46

But you have all made me realise to forget about any romantic dreams I had

and there is what it is all about ....

prawnsword · 19/10/2019 04:17

Great so now your daughter will learn one day her dad not only abandoned her before she was born, he came over, tucked her in a few nights & then was able to fuck off again easily after getting a few nights playing dad & posing for pics. are you even considering your kid’s feelings here? Please protect your daughter’s feelings & at least you have acknowledged your motivation is based on a romantic fantasy

FridalovesDiego · 19/10/2019 05:06

My niece’s dad always stays over. He is part of our family. My sister’s new partner has no issue. No one gives a fuck if his girlfriend does, the relationship between him and his daughter is more important.

BinkyandBunty · 19/10/2019 05:20

It's fine to tell him you've thought about it some more and realised it could be really confusing and too much too soon for DD, so can he please go back to Plan A and book a B&B?

No reason he can't do bath and bedtime, then fuck off.

MsDogLady · 19/10/2019 06:12

My daughter would be very uncomfortable if a relative stranger was involved with her bedtime routine. That would cross her secure boundaries and result in confusion.

This massively disengaged ‘dad’ didn’t even ask what his child’s first name and birthdate were until she was 3 years old, and that was only after you had sent for his medical records.

I would return to the original arrangements.

Hesafriendfromwork · 19/10/2019 08:02

Tickets to the theatre for what? Please tell me its not for just you and him?

And that proves nothing about money. He doesnt pay for his child so he should have money to spare.

OP, you wanted him to stay and wanted to know if he was single, because in your head when he is there you will win him over. He will fall in love with you and want to be a real family.

You are setting yourself up for more hurt. It's not going to happen.

Best case scenario, is that he keeps popping over every few years and fhagging you while he is there.

Doesnt your dd deserve to get to know her dad without it being about your relationship with him? He coming to see her shouldnt be an opportunity for you 2 to have a fling or talk about getting back together.

This is about her relationship with him. Not your relationship with him.

SunshineAngel · 19/10/2019 08:07

If you have kids together it's different, as Christmas is a special time, and the parent that doesn't live with the child won't want to miss out. The first year my parents split up (bear in mind I was 24 ha ha) my mum invited my dad to stay for a few days over Christmas. We still spend Christmas together but he doesn't stay over, and I have no idea how/if this would play out when either of them get a new partner.. which has to happen at some point.

I do think it would be odd to do if there wasn't a child involved, but then again I know lots of exes are still friends, and split up for precisely that reason - because that's all they were in the end. If my partner wanted to stay with his ex, I would actually be okay with it, as I know there is no way on this earth anything would happen. If anything, she would try, but he would absolutely say no. They were together for 8 years but he admits they should have ended things after 2, he was just scared of being on his own.

So.. yeah.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 19/10/2019 08:10

How old is your DD? If she's under about 18 months, I'd say don't worry too much that you'll be "confusing" her by having a new person in the house for a few days. If you had an old (female) school friend coming to stay for the weekend, no one would be saying that your daughter would be mentally scarred or distressed by that.

If she's old enough to understand /form permanent memories, then be a bit more careful (and also bear in mind that this can be pretty young - my memories start from three, and some peoples may be younger). Also don't underestimate how good children are at picking stuff up - she will know that this is a big deal just from your emotions.

I suppose think carefully about what you think the benefits of this meeting are for your daughter. Realistically, she isn't going to have a close relationship with her father as she grows up.

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 19/10/2019 08:37

Thanks everyone. Like I said previously, it didn’t cross my mind to invite him to stay. Just something a few friends said, I was just trying to do the best for my DD and not thinking about me and him in the equation. I did take your comments onboard, spoke to my family about trying to work out a way to get out of him staying, but they know him very well, as do I. He more than likely will pull out all together, not because of the money thing but because he is just a bit odd about things. I won’t go into detail. My DD knows he is coming over to stay for a bit, I feel it would do more harm to my DD’s well being if he pulled out completely.

Nooo the tickets are for all three of us. I don’t feel comfortable him just going on his own with her.

OP posts:
LikeARedBalloon · 19/10/2019 08:52

He absolutely does not deserve to play dad and do the bedtime routine for a couple of nights....he sounds like an arsehole tbh. And to your daughter he is a stranger. She should be able to feel safe in her home, not have a strange put her to bed for a couple of nights and then piss off again! He can help with bedtime, if she wants him to, and then go back to his b and b. There is no need for him to stay with you....it will not benefit your daughter. I think your motives are misplaced.

Robin2323 · 19/10/2019 09:01

If he s likely to pull because you decided it's not really appropriate , ti have a strange man staying over - that sats it all.
A decent man would understand.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 19/10/2019 09:13

OP, you're not doing the right thing by DD by having what is essentially a stranger staying in her home, putting her to bed etc. Her home is her safe space. Would you do that with a new boyfriend who has only met her once? Being her birth father makes no difference when she doesn't know him.

Hesafriendfromwork · 19/10/2019 09:16

He more than likely will pull out all together, not because of the money thing but because he is just a bit odd about things.

So this man, will likely pull out of seeing his daughter if you tell him you arent comfortable.

Either you are making excuses to have him stay (which means this isnt about your daughter)

Or he is a twat of the highest order and is used to you rolling over and doing everything his way. Even above his own child.

He shouldnt be anywhere near her or holding a relationship with her, if he cancels plans to see her if he doesnt get his own way.

TooTrueToBeGood · 19/10/2019 09:21

I can't get away from the fact that, with all the things that are dubious here, the focus of your OP is whether he might have a girlfriend. Take that torch your carrying for him and flush it down the toilet. You say elsewhere you just want what's best for your DD. That's an outright lie. You're judt thinking about yourself and your unrequited love. What's best for your DD is not to be messed around by getting to know daddy who clearly doesn't give a flying fuck about her.

C0untDucku1a · 19/10/2019 09:28

Youve made the right decision. He is a shot person.

C0untDucku1a · 19/10/2019 09:29

I dont think it is fair people having a go at the op for hoping their might be some
Possibility of romance and a relationship. Op is probably imagining them as a family, not him as a boyfriend. I can understand that.

It’s no a good idea though, as he has treated you both appallingly.

Hesafriendfromwork · 19/10/2019 09:35

The problem is that pp is putting this dream above her daughters well being.

He demanded an abortion, fucked off to the other side of the world, visited once, Skype and doesnt pay for the child.

He will likely pull out of the visit if anything changes. Ita not in the daughter best interests to have a relationship with this man. But OP is putting her unrealistic dream in front of what's best for her daughter.

It's not going to happen. Dd doesnt need a man who turns up every few years and demands everything on his terms and then leaves her mother hurt all over again.

This has been going on years. OP needs to open her eyes to exactly what this man is.

readitandwept · 19/10/2019 11:40

spoke to my family about trying to work out a way to get out of him staying, but they know him very well, as do I He more than likely will pull out all together, not because of the money thing but because he is just a bit odd about things.

Come on. You went out for 4 months, back in 2014, then never heard from him for 3 years.

His original plan was a B&B anyway.

Can't believe you're letting your daughter be held to ransom by this guy. Or at least claiming it's about her.

Blueoasis · 19/10/2019 12:18

He's a sperm donor, not a dad. He doesn't deserve to get to stay over in his daughters house until he puts in more effort.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 19/10/2019 13:03

This is a tricky position for you, op - on the one hand, this guy sounds like a total waste of time as a father. Any energy you put into attempting to cajole him into meeting your DD, making it as easy and fun as possible for him, is likely going to be wasted - you could bend over backwards to make everything perfect, and it sounds like he still might decide he doesn't want to meet her. And even if he does spend a couple of days taking her to the park, so what? She doesn't need a father for a one off weekend. She needs parents in her life who are stable, put her first and would never, ever fuck off and desert her. Parents like you, op :)

On the other hand, I can see that you need to feel that you have done everything in your power to facilitate your daughter having a relationship with her father. If only so that, when she asks about him, you can honestly say that you never stopped him from seeing her.

This guy sounds like a flight risk - my bet is he's looking for reasons to bolt again. Do what you have to do so that you can rest easy with yourself that you did everything you could for your DD.

DarlingBuds19 · 19/10/2019 13:11

I’ve been monitoring it gradually, it’s been a long process to get to this stage.

Sorry but I thought your thread talking about him getting in touch and broaching the subject of having contact with your daughter was not actually that long ago (?)

DarlingBuds19 · 19/10/2019 13:15

If he's only met her once to date, with a bit of Skype etc the rest of the time (and he only came into her life relatively recently) - I really don't get why he's staying in your (and her) home.

Also it's really strange how you're focussed on whether he has a partner, and the ins and outs of whether he would stay if he did, and his his partner geeks about it if he died etc.
Seems like you're thinking about him, not your daughter.

DarlingBuds19 · 19/10/2019 13:16

*how his partner feels about it

DarlingBuds19 · 19/10/2019 13:18

He more than likely will pull out all together, not because of the money thing but because he is just a bit odd about things. I won’t go into detail.

It doesn't sound like a good idea to subject your dd to this man.

DarlingBuds19 · 19/10/2019 13:22

*DOES THIS MEAN HE'S SINGLE??"

Basically your ex is too tight for a hotel and thinks it would be fine to just mooch off you for a bit. And rather than thinking" wtf, this guy has no boundaries or any sense of how this might affect his daughter" you're thinking "hurrah, this must mean he's single, maybe he'll see how brilliant living with us would be and suddenly become the partner and father I've been longing for".*

In a nut shell.

It's so noticeable that the title of the thread focuses on him and his relationship status.

This guy seems flaky, irresponsible, unreliable, lacking integrity, I could go on ... And you seem to be a doormat for him, sorry.